


Heather Cubed

by sakurakyouko



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, High School, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Internalized Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Slow Build, Texting, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 77,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6556411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakurakyouko/pseuds/sakurakyouko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>green:</b> TAG URSELF IM HEATHERS RAMPANT DENIAL<br/><b>red:</b> [kinseyscale.jpg]<br/><b>red:</b> I’M THE STRAIGHTEST POSSIBLE SETTING</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Air Vents

**Author's Note:**

> edit (2/21/17) - it's come to my attention that some people are making fics inspired by this, and that's cool!!! i'm rly glad that i'm inspiring other people to write chat fics. and chat fics aren't solely my idea, so you don't need to credit me if you've been inspired to write a chat fic, that would be silly
> 
>  _but_ , if you incorporate similar formats or storylines on purpose, i'd appreciate it if you marked your fic as inspired by mine if it's posted here on ao3. i haven't been reading anyone else's heathers chat fics because i don't wanna accidentally steal their ideas, so idk if anything like that is happening, but i wanted to mention it because it's been on my mind
> 
> i don't wanna start drama by going around asking people to do this, because i could make a mistake and bug people who don't even know this fic exists, but i figured a note at the beginning of the whole story might help clear things up?? anyway thanks for reading, your support means the world to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> veronica is adopted by the heathers, martha is mother theresa, and jd is bad news™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chansaw may be slowgoing but we'll get there?? jd, kurt, and ram are only mentioned in this chapter, but will probably appear in later chapters if i end up continuing this
> 
> how.very.onica = veronica  
> hucklebettyfinn = betty  
> martha-dunnstock = martha  
> yellow = heather mcnamara  
> red = heather chandler  
> green = heather duke

**neartha, fartha, wherever you aretha**

_**Today**  10:50am_

**how.very.onica:** guys omg

 **how.very.onica:** you won’t believe this

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what happened

 **how.very.onica:** i ran into the heathers in the hallway  


**hucklebettyfinn:** WAIT AND THEY DIDN'T KILL YOU  


**how.very.onica:** yeah that isn’t even the best part though  


**martha-dunnstock:** VERONICA AVOIDED DEATH BY HEATHERS WHAT?  


**how.very.onica:** heather duke was throwing up i don't think the squad was at full force  


**martha-dunnstock:** Aw I hope she’s okay!!  


**hucklebettyfinn:** martha didn’t heather duke tell you to bellyflop off the old mill bridge like last week  


**martha-dunnstock:** Yeah :( but I figure she was just having a really bad day? She didn’t really mean it, we’ve known each other so long I don’t believe she could forget that  


**how.very.onica:** martha for new mother theresa rt if u agree  


**hucklebettyfinn:** rt  


**how.very.onica:** shit that only works in a big group chat  


**martha-dunnstock:** We need more friends  


**hucklebettyfinn:** R T ^^^  


**how.very.onica:** anyway yeah the heathers were out without a hall pass and ms fleming was chewing them out  


**hucklebettyfinn:** relatable  


**how.very.onica:** so i forged a hall pass for all of us and we got off scot-free  


**martha-dunnstock:** Wow!! That's so cool!!  


**martha-dunnstock:** That wasn’t sarcasm I mean it!!  


**how.very.onica:** but wait! there’s more!  


**hucklebettyfinn:** billy mays is dead  


**how.very.onica:** you know what betty i don't need this kind of negativity in my life  


**martha-dunnstock:** Lol!!  


**how.very.onica:** a n y w a y  


**how.very.onica:** the heathers were actually grateful enough that they’re letting me sit with them at lunch i didn’t know they were capable of emotions other than spite  


**hucklebettyfinn:** nah they have emotions they’re just conceited  


**how.very.onica:** tru they gave me a makeover in the bathroom to make me presentable enough to be seen with them lmao  


**hucklebettyfinn:** pics  


**martha-dunnstock:** Ooh, did they do like a before-and-after shot??  


**how.very.onica:** [imtoohot.jpg]  


**hucklebettyfinn:** HOT DAMN  


**how.very.onica:** sorry about the lighting i had to make sure the teacher wouldn’t see  


**martha-dunnstock:** CALL THE POLICE AND THE FIREMAN!! VERONICA YOU LOOK SO PRETTY AAAA  


**how.very.onica:** IKR IM LOOKING LIKE HELL ON WHEELS  


**hucklebettyfinn:** veronica is a car now  


**martha-dunnstock:** Like Transformers or like Cars?  


**hucklebettyfinn:** like cars lol life is a highway  


**martha-dunnstock:** Vroomonica  


**hucklebettyfinn:** omg

  
_hucklebettyfinn has named the conversation “vroomonica”._

_**Today** 11:06am_

  
**martha-dunnstock:** Nice  


**how.very.onica:** <3  


**how.very.onica:** ok shit teacher is staring me down puttign my phone away look for me in the cafeteria byeee

\--  


**heather cubed**  


_**Today** 11:08am_

  
**yellow:** So are we just not going to talk about heather

 **red:** we talk about heather entirely too much, heather

 **yellow:** Not /her/ heather, I mean you, heather

 **red:** excuse me

 **green:** are we dragging heather if so im in

 **yellow:** I have three words for you, heather squared

 **yellow:** Big

 **yellow:** Gay

 **yellow:** Crush

 **red:** i’m the straightest one here you lying bitch

 **green:** yea about as straight as kurt and ram

 **red:** YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU FAT UGLY HOE

 **green:** lmao ok let the record show im not the one who made it personal

 **yellow:** Guys stop, I just wanted to tease heather about veronica, let’s just calm down

 **red:** I'LL CALM DOWN WHEN I'M DEAD

 **green:** tag urself im death

 **red:** I'M YOUR COFFIN

 **yellow:** WhT

 **green:** heather that was the most nonsensical and gay thing youve ever said im howling

 **red:** YOU'RE IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME YOUR FACE IS AS STRAIGHT AS I AM YOU LYING CUNT

 **green:** TAG URSELF IM HEATHERS RAMPANT DENIAL

 **red:** [[kinseyscale.jpg](http://thesis2016.newpaltz.design/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/kinsey-scale.png)]

 **red:** I’M THE STRAIGHTEST POSSIBLE SETTING

 **yellow:** Guys, calm, down your teacher is going to confiscate your phones if you keep it up like this

 **red:** FUCK OKAY TRUCE I’LL RIP YOUR THROAT OUT AT LUNCH

 **green:** kinky

 **red:** DHOSJDGISNFGEINDGFISJBDHSJS

 **yellow:** G U Y S

 **green:** ok fine truce but until after school since veronicas at lunch with us and im not bitchy enough to out heather

 **yellow:** Okay, that’s probably the best I can ask for right now

 **yellow:** Speaking of veronica, should we add her to the group chat at some point

 **green:** i will pay u so much money if u put veronica in the chat right now

 **red:** NO

 **yellow:** Why

 **green:** y

 **red:** I’LL DESTROY YOujehdbsjns

 **yellow:** Heather, is heather okay

 **green:** hdidndjjd she got her phone taken away she was pounding the keys too hard so the teacher caught her im crying

 **yellow:** Oh my god

 **green:** this is the best day of my life my skin is clear my crops are flourishing heather got her phone confiscated until the end of the day

 **green:** id like to thank the academy

 **yellow:** See you guys at lunch, then

 **green:** yea see u at lunch if heather doesnt crucify me

 **green:** im not feeling the whole martyrdom thing but i could get on board w resurrection

\--  


**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:24am_

 **how.very.onica:** heather chandler keeps glaring at me please tell me i don’t have something stuck in my teeth or like a missing hairpin

 **martha-dunnstock:** You look great, Veronica! She might have an eyelash stuck in her eye or something, that could be why she looks so angry

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha isn’t the new mother theresa she’s the old one in disguise

 **how.very.onica:** truuu

 **hucklebettyfinn:** btw sorry martha i have to take a test so i won’t be sitting with you

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s okay!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, are we still on for The Princess Bride tonight?? Or are the Heathers borrowing Veronica for the evening too

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if they are it’s cool

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it’s not every day you get adopted by the school clique  


**how.very.onica:** idk but it’s lookin like i won’t make it  


**martha-dunnstock:** That’s too bad!! It’s okay though, hanging with the Heathers is pretty exciting so I don't blame you!!  


**how.very.onica:** speaking of the heathers, chandler just said something to me and i didn’t hear am i going to die  


**hucklebettyfinn:** she gave me a death glare just for walking past her in the hallway your ass is barbecue chicken my friend

 **martha-dunnstock:** Is it barbeque or barbecue?? I never know

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’ve seen it written both ways

_**Today** 11:31am_

**martha-dunnstock:** Guys??

 **martha-dunnstock:** :(

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay, I’ll just talk to you guys later

\--  


**heather cubed  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:34am_

 **green:** [redisgay.jpg]

 **green:** do u see this shit heather

 **yellow:** Yeah, that’s heather alright

 **green:** no oh my god shes making like hearteyes at veronica

 **yellow:** You do realize she’ll read all of this when she gets her phone back later, right

 **green:** let me live in the moment ok ill face divine judgment or whatever later

 **yellow:** That’s fair

 **yellow:**  I think veronica is making hearteyes at someone else though

 **green:** lmao what rly

 **yellow:** Yeah I’m not sure at who

 **green:** shit if shes straight heather might actually cry

 **yellow:** I’ve never seen heather cry I don’t think she has tear ducts

 **green:** lmao were about to see a miracle then

 **green:** veronica is heading over to some guy in the corner who tf is that

 **yellow:** That’s jason dean, he’s in my history class

 **yellow:** I think he’s new??

 **green:** im gettin that serial killer vibe from him do u think veronica would come back if i yelled at her

 **yellow:** Probably not, heather would kill you

 **green:** damn

 **green:** hes literally wearing a trenchcoat if he pulls out a gun u owe me $50 and u have to cover my medical bills if he shoots me

 **yellow:** He’s not going to shoot anybody, heather

 **green:** how do u explain the trenchcoat then

 **yellow:** … Shit you’re right

 **green:** u grab heather ill grab veronica lets get the fuck outta here

 **yellow:** We could go in the bathroom, block the door, and climb through the vents??

 **yellow:** Wait to hear shots though before going through the vents just in case he’s actually fine

 **green:** sounds good get heather ill meet u in there w veronica

_**Today** 12:11pm_

**red:** I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER

 **yellow:** They were just blanks

 **red:** WE LITERALLY CLIMBED THROUGH THE VENTS BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKBOY

 **yellow:** Come on, it was about time somebody scared kurt and ram

 **green:** besides we got ur phone back while the teachers were all distracted and veronica didnt get to talk to him for long

 **red:** :/

 **green:** speaking of veronica dont u think its time we added her to the chat

 **yellow:** Yeah I feel like climbing through vents together to escape an apparent school shooter counts as bonding

 **red:** fine but don’t freak her out

 **green:** k

_green has added how.very.onica to the conversation._

_**Today** 12:14pm_

  
**yellow:** Hi veronica

 **how.very.onica:** oh hey heather

 **green:** welcome to hell

 **red:** shut up heather

 **green:** lmao

 **red:** i don't need this kind of insubordination

 **yellow:** Heather I know what you're about to say but don't

 **green:** fuck u

 **how.very.onica:** so uh did you guys want anything or

_**Today** 12:21pm_

**how.very.onica:** um

 **yellow:** Sorry, nope, we just felt like you should be in the chat since crawling through air vents together probably makes you part of the group

 **how.very.onica:** oh ok

 **how.very.onica:** so uh

 **how.very.onica:** how do you feel about the princess bride

 **yellow:** Oh that’s one of my favorite movies

 **green:** good and pure

 **red:** i’ve never seen it

 **yellow:** HEATHER WHAT

 **green:** fuckig blasphemy do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars enter directly into gay baby jail

 **red:** HE A T HE r

 **green:** what

 **green:** oh lol shit

 **how.very.onica:** uh what’s wrong

 **yellow:** It’s okay, heather just hates monopoly

 **yellow:** A lot

 **how.very.onica:** really lol

 **red:** oh yeah we totally played strip monopoly at a party once

 **red:** someone ended up skinny dipping and getting like pneumonia i think

 **red:** i had to pay for the medical bills

 **red:** so i totally hate monopoly

 **red:** nobody is allowed to talk about monopoly

 **red:** ever

 **how.very.onica:** ok lol it’s cool i’ve just never known anybody having a strong negative opinion on monopoly like that

 **how.very.onica:** so tell me what board games aren’t vetoed

 **yellow:** Well we aren’t allowed to play the game of life

 **red:** heather won last time and started throwing all the money in the air and

 **red:** ugh

 **how.very.onica:** lol what did she do

 **green:** i played applause on my phone and started stripping

 **how.very.onica:** wow

 **red:** she means the gaga song not a sound effect

 **how.very.onica:** w o w

 **how.very.onica:** you guys are crazy do you do this weird shit all the time or am i just asking questions with crazy answers

 **red:** i’d say we aren’t that crazy

 **yellow:** Nope we’re nuts

 **green:** absolutely crazy

_how.very.onica has left the conversation.  
_

_**Today** 12:30pm_

**red:** WHAT THE FUCKFK YOU GUYS

 **red:** WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT

 **yellow:** I already lied about the monopoly and you dug yourself a hole there, then you’re the one that started detailing the game of life thing

 **yellow:** So I figured we owed veronica some truth, I’m not about to start a friendship on lies

 **red:** COME ON

 **green:** my face” heather chandler says to veronica sawyer

 **red:** REKNDUSKNDJDHFBKSHDHHFJJFHSKHDH

 **red:** I’M GOingn TO FUCkNG De s tROY yOU

 **green:** i could make a joke about anal but itd be too easy

 **red:** YOU’RE TOO EASY YOUF UCKING SLUT

 **yellow:** Heather, you're going to get your phone confiscated again

 **red:** FINE ASK VERONICA WHY SHE LEFT SO I CAN FIX IT

\--  


**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:30pm_

 **how.very.onica:** the heathers are nuts

 **martha-dunnstock:** What happened?? D:

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do they bottle the souls of freshmen and use them for occult rituals

 **how.very.onica:** they aren’t that brand of crazy they’re just really wild idk what to talk to them about since we don’t really do much

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sure we do!! Like watching The Princess Bride and

 **martha-dunnstock:** Um

 **hucklebettyfinn:** veronica’s right that’s all we do

 **hucklebettyfinn:** so what kind of crazy things do the heathers get up to

 **how.very.onica:** a lot of stripping and board games from what i can tell?????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** omg

 **martha-dunnstock:** Jeez!!!! That’s really crazy, you were right

 **how.very.onica:** heather duke is trying to make me go back in their group chat

 **hucklebettyfinn:** how much money is she offering  


**how.very.onica:** surprisingly none she’s trying to convince me that crawling through air vents together is valid basis for full clique indoctrination

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wtf when did you crawl through vents

 **how.very.onica:** they thought jd was a school shooter so they dragged me into the bathroom and when he fired blanks at kurt and ram we crawled through the vents

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh my gosh????

 **martha-dunnstock:** I figured the Heathers were troubled but I didn’t know they were that paranoid

 **hucklebettyfinn:** in all fairness he was wearing a trenchcoat

 **how.very.onica:** hey don’t be rude i’m friends with him now

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait how?? If the Heathers hauled you into the bathroom before he fired, how did you end up talking

 **how.very.onica:** he was staring at me so i went over to see what his deal was

 **hucklebettyfinn:** veronica

 **hucklebettyfinn:** dear, sweet, precious veronica

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that boy is bad news

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, I don’t want to think the worst of him without talking to him, but Veronica, he brought a gun to school  


**martha-dunnstock:** Even if he fired blanks, he could still have bullets on him  


**how.very.onica:** he would’ve been more than suspended if he had bullets

 **how.very.onica:** ok look i feel really bad talking about him behind his back so can i add him to the chat and you can talk to him for yourselves?? i have to deal with the heathers

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don’t think that’s a good idea

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nah nah we’re cool

 **how.very.onica:** :/ ok, if you’re sure. i’ll go talk to the heathers now

\--  


**heather cubed  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:36pm_

 **green:** she says she left because she didnt know how to respond and that were intense

 **red:** okay you’re off my shit list you can live for now

 **yellow:** Somehow I don’t doubt that you actually have a shit list

_green has added how.very.onica to the conversation.  
_

_**Today** 12:37pm_

**green:** welcome back to hell

 **yellow:** Sorry we’re so intense veronica, we’ll try to tone it down a little

 **how.very.onica:** yeah it’s ok i just didn't expect you guys to be so uh wild i guess lol  


**red:** oh have you heard wild by troye sivan it’s pretty good

_green has named the conversation “squad = h^3 + v”._

_**Today** 12:39pm_

\--

**heather cubed redux  
**

**Today** 12:39pm

 **green:** heather thats the gayest thing u couldve possibly said

 **red:** straight people listen to troye sivan

 **yellow:** Heather, you’re my friend and I love you dearly, but oh my god

 **yellow:** You are so bad at keeping your gayness on the down low

 **red:** EXCUSE ME??? THERE’S NO GAYNESS TO KEEP ON THE DOWN LOW YOU BOWLEGGED BITCH

 **green:** heather ure not fooling us ure literally the worst liar

 **yellow:** We don’t care that you’re gay, heather, you don’t need to deny it to us at least

 **red:** there’s nothing to deny  


**green:** then why do u keep denying it so vehemently in all caps

\--  


**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:43pm_

 **how.very.onica:** !! yeah troye sivan is cool!! sorry the teacher was looking my way so it took a little while to respond

\--  


**heather cubed redux**  


_**Today** 12:43pm_  


**green:** there is hope


	2. Donuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the heathers are having a party at heather chandler's house, there are donuts, and a lot of money is thrown around

**vroomonica  
**

_**Today** 5:23pm_

**how.very.onica:** help

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica are you okay??

 **how.very.onica:** the heathers are taking me to a party

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh that’s exciting!!

 **how.very.onica:** it’s in two hours

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do you need an excuse to bail on them

 **hucklebettyfinn:** we’re still watching the princess bride at martha’s later so

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah we’ll have plenty of snacks!! We’ll probably watch something different off of Netflix too

 **hucklebettyfinn:** can we watch grease live

 **how.very.onica:** oh shit man i love grease

 **how.very.onica:** idk i kind of want to go to the heathers’ party though?? i’m conflicted

 **hucklebettyfinn:** go for it we can hold off on grease until you can come hang out

 **martha-dunnstock:** We can just rewatch some episodes of Parks and Recreation!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yessssss

 **how.very.onica:** ok good if i need to bail on the heathers i'll text jd and he can bring me over to your place martha

 **hucklebettyfinn:** doesn't he have a motorbike

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh don’t forget to wear a helmet!!!! Motorbike accidents are really dangerous, you don’t want a head injury

 **martha-dunnstock:** Or any kind of injury really

 **how.very.onica:** lol dw martha it’s all good

 **how.very.onica:** ok heather duke is here to take me to chandler’s so they can pretty me up again or whatever i’ll update you when i get there

 **hucklebettyfinn:** alright

 **martha-dunnstock:** Bye, Veronica, have fun!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** but not too much fun ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:31pm_

**green:** ok i have heathers lady love so were heading over now

 **yellow:** Oh, I need to be picked up too!! Sorry, I didn’t think to ask you earlier

 **green:** ughhhhhhh ok whatever

 **green:** i gotta double back to get u but ill be there in like ten if i speed

 **red:** don’t be late i need to lay out food and booze and it’ll take ages without help

 **yellow:** It’s okay, heather, I can help you while heather does veronica’s makeup

 **red:** okay cool

 **yellow:** Also heather don’t speed, that’s a really bad idea

 **red:** record yourself doing a donut in the middle of a busy road without hitting any other cars and i’ll give you $40 heather

 **green:** were wearing seatbelts but this road is pretty empty so ill wait until were at heathers

 **yellow:** … I’ll record it when you get here if you give me half of the $40

 **yellow:** God help my soul

 **green:** make it $10 or no deal

 **yellow:** Okay $10, deal

 **red:** i’ll throw in an additional $20 if you can do it without throwing up

 **yellow:** Heather that was uncalled for

 **green:** lmao i dont even get motionsick just for that u have to reimburse me if veronica throws up in my jeep

 **red:** alright

 **red:** don’t be late

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
** ****

_**Today** 5:35pm_

**how.very.onica:** i can’t believe heather even has her car color coded

 **how.very.onica:** it’s a green jeep i can’t tell if it smells like hairspray or if that’s just heather

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ooh, we should watch Hairspray, Betty!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk if it’s on netflix but we can find it online

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sounds good!!! Also try not to have an asthma attack Veronica

 **how.very.onica:** i don’t even have asthma it just smells really bad lmao

 **hucklebettyfinn:** kurt kelly’s car smells like weed i mistook it for mine in the parking lot the other day

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh wow!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ye it’s kind of a miracle he hasn’t gotten busted yet

 **how.very.onica:** tru lol also heather duke is taking a detour to pick up heather mcnamara and she’s going so fast i think one of her earrings might have gotten ripped out

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wouldn’t she have reacted? That would hurt pretty bad

 **hucklebettyfinn:** maybe the heathers actually don’t feel emotion and they’re immune to pain?? i was so wrong omg

 **how.very.onica:** nvm her earring just got ripped out and she screamed something about prostitutes so she can feel pain, they aren't like cyborgs

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay, keep us posted, Veronica!! If even a car ride is this exciting, I can’t begin to imagine how interesting the party will be

 **hucklebettyfinn:** $5 says that veronica will end up leaving the party within an hour of it starting

 **how.very.onica:** you’re on loL WHAT THE FUCJJ

 **martha-dunnstock:** ARE YOU OKAY???

 **how-very-onica:** SHE JUST STARTED DOING A DONUT IN A BUSY INETRSECTION IM SCREAMIGN????? WH Y WOULD SHE DO THAT WITH A PASSENGER IN THE FFUCKIGN CAR THE HEATHERS ARE N U T S

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HOLY SHIT IM DEFINITELY GONNA WIN THIS BET…….

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:43pm_

**how.very.onica:** WHY DOES HEATHER DUKE HAVE A DRIVERS LICENSE

 **green:** excuse u im a great driver i didnt hit a single car doing that donut

 **red:** where’s the video

 **yellow:** I’m rewatching it to verify?? I didn’t hear any collisions but just to be sure

 **how.very.onica:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHY IS HEATHER LAUGHING SO HARD

 **green:** heather bet i couldnt do a donut on a busy road without hitting any cars so i had to prove her wrong u didnt die or anything so its cool right

 **red:** WAIT YOU DID IT WITH VERONICA IN THE CAR WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU HEATHER

 **yellow:** She said you had to pay her back if veronica threw up in her car and you said “alright”??? Did you not actually read what she said or

 **how.very.onica:** OK IM NOT EVEN THAT MAD ALL THINGS CONSIDERED ITS KINDA FUNNY IM JUST REALLY CONFUSED

 **green:** ok look u wouldve done the same if somebody offered you $40 to do something you already know u can do easily

 **yellow:** Technically it was $30 since you said you would give me $10 and why are we texting we’re all in the car except heather

 **red:** veronica are you okay

 **how.very.onica:** YEAH IM JUST LIKE DAZED

 **green:** heather send the video for heather and it might help veronica conceptualize or whatever

 **red:** yeah i still need to see evidence before i hand over my money

 **yellow:** [donut.mov]

 **green:** HAHAHA HOLY SHINT VERONICAS FACE AT :14 I KNOW U CAN SEE ME LAUGHING BUT HEATHER NEEDS TO KNOW TOO

 **how.very.onica:** ok 1) never do that with me in the car again 2) shint and 3) tru my face is pretty incredible there, no hard feelings

 **red:** okay when you get here the $40 is yours

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:46pm_

**how.very.onica:** this incident has brought new meaning to vroomonica im crying

 **how.very.onica:** [vroomonica.mov]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HAHAHAHA HOL Y S BHIT

 **martha-dunnstock:** Heather’s hair looks kind of like a duck at :42 lol!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** YOUR FACE AT :14 IS LIFE

 **martha-dunnstock:** Heather Duck?

 **how.very.onica:** omfg martha yes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** fav

 **how.very.onica:** anyway we’re going to heather chandler’s now so i’ll try not to die before we get there

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
** ****

_**Today** 5:48pm_

**red:** WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT WITH VERONICA IN THE CAR

 **green:** shes fine u even verified chill the fuck out

 **yellow:** I took heather’s phone away so she won’t crash so I’ll pass on complaints to her, I’m pretty sure the engine is too loud for veronica to hear over

 **red:** OKAY BUT IT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING EVEN IF SHE ISN’T MAD I AM

 **yellow:** Should I pass on what she said??? I think it will just make you angrier

 **red:** FUCKING T RY ME

 **yellow:** “Gay”

 **red:** SLJHVEFBFVSDLB IT’S HUMAN DECENCY AND BASIC CONCERN FOR A NEW FRIEND TELL HEATHER TO SHUT HER WHORE MOUTH

 **yellow:** I don’t think I will but you can yell at her in a minute we just pulled in the driveway

 **yellow:** Don’t scare veronica though

 **red:** 1-800-DID-I-ASK

 **red:** DON’T TELL ME WHAY TO DO

 **yellow:** Seriously calm down or she’ll think you’re angry at her instead of heather

 **red:** f i n e

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:22pm_

**how.very.onica:** ok heather duke just finished my makeup so i’m taking a breather before they whisk me away to set out like chips or beer or whatever people have at parties

 **hucklebettyfinn:** **heather duck

 **martha-dunnstock:** Lol, is this going to be a new friend meme

 **hucklebettyfinn:** your puns demand appreciation martha, you have a gift

 **how.very.onica:** is martha going to travel the world saving lives and making puns

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yes

 **how.very.onica:** ooh shit lmao i can hear heather chandler yelling in the other room i wonder if somebody broke something

 **hucklebettyfinn:** “THAT WAS MY BEST DIAMOND-ENCRUSTED CHIFFON SKIRT YOU DUMB BITCH”

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don’t think Heather is /that/ rich lol

 **how.very.onica:** oh i think heather is mad about the car donut thing lmfao she bet $40 that heather duck couldn’t do car donuts on a busy street without hitting anything

 **martha-dunnstock:** Jeez, that’s a lot of money to bet

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay but did heather duck actually manage it?? i didn’t notice the jeep hitting anything in the video ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **how.very.onica:** yup after the initial shock and confusion died down it was hilarious lol i’m legit impressed

_**Today** 6:26pm_

**how.very.onica:** ugh damn it i wish i’d brought headphones then i could drown them out

 **hucklebettyfinn:** rt

 **martha-dunnstock:** Rt

 **how.very.onica:** DAMN IT I WANNA ADD JD TO THE CHAT SO WE CAN DO THE RT THING PROPERLY IS THAT OK

 **hucklebettyfinn:** :/

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sorry, Veronica, I’d rather get to know him irl first

 **how.very.onica:** ok can i bring him over to your place when he picks me up

 **martha-dunnstock:** Uhhhhh

 **hucklebettyfinn:** he could sit with us at lunch on monday instead

 **how.very.onica:** yeah idk if the heathers would let me break away to sit with you guys but i can ask jd to sit with you regardless

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ummmm

 **martha-dunnstock:** He’s your friend, so it might get awkward with just me and Betty hanging out with him

 **how.very.onica:** tru i can see that being weird

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay we’re gonna have to talk to him eventually so it might as well be tonight idc anymore

 **martha-dunnstock:** If my parents found out that we snuck a boy in, though???

 **how.very.onica:** lmao jd is chill it’s not like i’m bringing him over to have an orgy we just wanna watch movies

 **hucklebettyfinn:** rt

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay, as long as he’s gone before 6am when my parents wake up I don’t mind

 **how.very.onica:** cool!! i think heather is calling me so i’m off to party prep

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you know i still have no idea which heather she’s talking about whenever she just says “heather” without a last name

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:34pm_

**how.very.onica:** where is heather

 **green:** im definitely not trying to find photos of baby heather for blackmail

 **how.very.onica:** lol have fun with that but you aren’t the one i meant, i mean our host

 **yellow:** She might be in the bathroom

 **how.very.onica:** which one this place is a mansion

 **green:** rt heather just keeps calling it a big house

 **yellow:** I’m not sure, a bathroom in general??

 **green:** what floor are u on veronica u could help me locate the juicy photo albums

 **how.very.onica:** lmao second floor but won’t heather see these messages

 **yellow:** I could take her phone and delete the messages before she reads them

 **green:** veronica meet me on the staircase to the third floor that’s where all the bedrooms are

 **how.very.onica:** ok sounds like a plan

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:20pm_

**how.very.onica:** there are so many people here what the fuck??? i’ve never seen half of them in my entire life the party has only been going on for twenty minutes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** either the heathers have weirdly huge social connections or everyone they invited brought extra people

 **how.very.onica:** yeah like ten extra people each lmao there are literally so many people

 **how.very.onica:** [hugefuckingcrowd.jpg]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** holy shit

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, do you know if Ram is there??

 **how.very.onica:** idk probably i think i saw kurt and they’re basically attached at the hip so

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay!! If you see him, can you tell him I say hi?

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha ram is gay

 **martha-dunnstock:** No he’s not, we kissed on the kickball field in kindergarten

 **hucklebettyfinn:** no he’s literally dating kurt he’s gay

 **martha-dunnstock:** He could be bi!!!!! Or poly or something!!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** as the resident bisexual in this group chat, i can say with confidence that ram is not only a fuckboy, but also monogamous and gay

 **martha-dunnstock:** There is no way he’s gay!!! That kiss meant something!!!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha it was kindergarten we were all kids experimenting with like dating

 **how.very.onica:** do you want me to like find ram and ask him if he’s gay

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yes!!!!! All of this speculation isn’t right

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it’s not speculation but okay

 **how.very.onica:** alright i’m gonna look for ram and film his answer so there isn’t any like debate, please don’t kill each other while i’m gone, just watch the princess bride like we planned

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:25pm_

**how.very.onica:** have you guys seen ram

 **green:** hes probably just having a drunken sloppy makeout session w kurt somewhere

 **how.very.onica:** i know but martha is like denying that he’s gay so i gotta ask him directly and film it to get proof™

 **green:** wtf shes a bitch

 **yellow:** She’s just /being/ a bitch, there’s a difference

 **green:** ok damn thats true u got me there

 **red:** i just found my phone again, thanks heather for hiding it like an asshole

 **yellow:** :3c

 **green:** i trained u well my young padawan

 **yellow:** Heather you haven’t even seen star wars

 **green:** angry nerds scared me away from it can i rly be blamed

 **red:** A N Y W A Y veronica, kurt and ram are in the first floor living room

 **red:** i can stall them until you get here if you want

 **how.very.onica:** cool thanks, try to keep them from getting too drunk so martha can’t say ram’s just a gay drunk or something

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:33pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Okay, I’m not angry anymore, me and Betty are okay now

 **how.very.onica:** did i just hunt down kurt and ram, willingly put myself between them and beer, and ask if ram is gay, for no reason

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nope she still wants proof :/

 **how.very.onica:** ok, is this proof enough

 **how.very.onica:** [ramisgay.mov]

 **martha-dunnstock:** :( Okay, you were right guys, I’m sorry, I was being a jerk

 **hucklebettyfinn:** can you bring us ice cream when you bail from the party veronica

 **how.very.onica:** it depends if jd is gonna be willing to make a pit stop at the gas station

 **how.very.onica:** btw i’ve stayed for over an hour so i won the bet

 **martha-dunnstock:**  actually  _hucklebettyfinn: $5 says that veronica will end up leaving the party within an hour of it starting_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lol nice try veronica the party started at 7 so you have to stay until 8 to win

 **how.very.onica:** nothing crazy has even happened yet but it’s been almost forty minutes, should i be worried

 **martha-dunnstock:** I probably would be, to be honest

 **hucklebettyfinn:** maybe the vroomonica incident and the air vent thing filled the crazy quota for the day

 **martha-dunnstock:** Or all of the crazy things could just be happening later on, as people get more drunk and rowdy????

 **how.very.onica:** that almost makes me want to stay really late

 **how.very.onica:** almost

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:40pm_

**red:** do you guys think veronica is having fun

 **yellow:** She kind of had fun chasing after kurt and ram and I know she had fun walking around the mansion with heather before everyone got here

 **red:** it’s not a mansion it’s just a big house

 **green:** its a fucking mansion what kind of house has three stories

 **red:** mine

 **yellow:** Anyway, we were talking about veronica

 **red:** right, right

 **red:** so veronica is having the most fun when she’s walking around??

 **yellow:** Yeah, that’s what I’ve picked up at least

 **green:** i dont think shes having fun now tho lmao she just keeps looking at her phone

 **green:** [veroniphone.jpg]

 **green:** whoever shes talking to is more exciting than this party i guess

 **yellow:** This is a lot bigger than the parties we normally have though so maybe it’s just the amount of people here that’s bugging her

 **red:** okay

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:42pm_

**how.very.onica:** idk what happened but the mansion looks a lot emptier now, i think literally everyone is gone

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what if the heathers aren’t using freshmen for occult rituals and they’re just using party guests instead

 **martha-dunnstock:** If that were a horror movie, I would watch it

 **how.very.onica:** same tbh

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay but really though i wanna see pics

 **how.very.onica:** [wherethefuckdideverybodygo.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, it definitely seems like people left??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** the party has only been going on for forty minutes why would everyone just up and leave so early

 **martha-dunnstock:** *x-files theme*

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:44pm_

**how.very.onica:** where the hell is everybody

 **green:** idk

 **red:** a lot of people were going onto the third floor which i forbid on the invitation so i kicked out everyone that was doing that

 **how.very.onica:** woah i guess a lot of people were going up there then

 **red:** yeah

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:45pm_

**red:** I DON’T THINK SHE’S BYUING IT WHAT DO I D O

 **yellow:** Well, at least you were honest about kicking out all your guests

 **green:** invite her to drink with us weve barely hung out so that could distract her

 **red:** that’s actually a pretty good idea wtf

 **green:** ure welcome

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:46pm_

**red:** you should come drink with us on the first floor veronica

 **how.very.onica:** !!! ok!! i barely got to drink anything when all the other people were hogging it so that sounds pretty awesome, i’ll be there in a minute

 **yellow:** Actually my legs kinda hurt, could we meet on the second floor for drinks instead

 **green:** lmao lazy but same pls come to the second floor im just sprawled out on the carpet here

 **red:** fine, second floor

 **red:** someone find kurt and ram though, i don’t want them to make out in a closet and pass out there where my parents could find them

 **green:** what parents i thought u just materialized

 **yellow:** Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your parents around

 **red:** they’re busy people

_**Today** 7:50pm_

**red:** i’m serious though locate kurt and ram and bring them to drink with us

 **how.very.onica:** it’s ok i found them on the stairs from the first floor to the second, they’re coming with me. your house is just huge so it’s taking a while

 **red:** oh

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:51pm_

**how.very.onica:** hey guys i think i’m probably gonna stay until like 9 or 10 and then i’ll be over, heather kicked a bunch of people out for going on the third floor where the bedrooms are so we’re gonna hang out and drink with kurt and ram for a while, i’ll keep you posted

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay!! My parents go to bed at 10, so if you want to bring J.D. in, you should show up a little after then

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if you forget to bring ice cream i’m disowning you

 **how.very.onica:** there will be ice cream dw

 **hucklebettyfinn:** fav

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay, see you then Veronica!!!

 **how.very.onica:**  byeee i’ll try not to get super trashed in the meantime


	3. Jailbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kurt is a stoner, ram makes everyone angry, and the Moment you've All been Waiting For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i neglected my homework for this but it was worth it. there is kind of a lot of drama and not very much happens event-wise but i think it's still good idk

**vroomonica** **  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:50pm_

 **how.very.onica:** Hey r u guys diwn 4. Threesum

 **hucklebettyfinn:** kurt we know that’s you

 **how.very.onica:** Hwo did u now it wa sme

 **hucklebettyfinn:** bad spelling made worse by drunken typos

 **hucklebettyfinn:** plus veronica doesn’t use regular caps

 **how.very.onica:** Gdo dam it

 **martha-dunnstock:** Give Veronica her phone back, Kurt

 **how.very.onica:** Hwy shuld i

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’ll tell the cops that you smoke weed

 **how.very.onica:** Ill tell evryoen ur a hhhhuuuuuguge slut

 **hucklebettyfinn:** thanks for the free publicity boo xoxo

 **martha-dunnstock:** Kurt, give Veronica her phone back

 **how.very.onica:** No fuck of u dumb btich ur a fucking WHALE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** kurt you fucking pothead give veronica her phone back

 **how.very.onica:** She nows i hav eit u fucking horr

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty, do you still have Heather McNamara’s contact info

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah

 **martha-dunnstock:** Send it to me privately, I’ll see if she can help us

 **how.very.onica:** FUCK U SAHMU IM GONNA TEXT EVRYOMNE SHE NOWS

 **hucklebettyfinn:** kurt i swear to fucking god

 **martha-dunnstock:** KURT NO

_how.very.onica has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:53pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** NOOOOOO

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FUCKING KURT

 **martha-dunnstock:** NO NO NO

 **martha-dunnstock:** N O

_martha-dunnstock has added how.very.onica to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:53pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Kurt please

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i won’t tell the cops you have weed

 **hucklebettyfinn:** keep the phone idgaf just don't message anybody

 **martha-dunnstock:** Please Kurt come on

 **how.very.onica:** To late

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FUCKING STONER PIECE OF SHIT WHO DID YOU TEXT

 **how.very.onica:** IDFK THE USERNMAE IS WIRED BUT THEY DIDNT SYA ANNTHJHGN

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHAT IS IT

 **martha-dunnstock:** THE USERNAME WHAT ISIT

 **how.very.onica:** 7.11.J.D

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKF UFKC UFCK

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHAT SHOULD WE DO I’M TOO SCARED TO MESSAGE J.D. ALONE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** IM ADDING HIM TO THE CHAT WE CNA REMOVE HIM LATER

_hucklebettyfinn has added 7.11.J.D to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:55pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** jd whatever veronica said to you it wasn’t her it was this piece of shit stoner kurt kelly i swear on my life

 **7.11.J.D:** I Know

 **how.very.onica:** Fuck u bety ur a ho

 **martha-dunnstock:** Kurt, stop

 **martha-dunnstock:** Just stop

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what do you mean you know

 **7.11.J.D:** It was Obvious

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m not mad at Her it’s Cool

 **hucklebettyfinn:** why do you type like that

 **how.very.onica:** Its becuse hes a fukcing fagggg

 **martha-dunnstock:** Kurt, you’re gay, why are you saying that

 **how.very.onica:** Im recliaming it fuck u str8 girl

 **hucklebettyfinn:** kurt shut the actual fuck up that isn't how reclaiming slurs works

 **how.very.onica:** Ok snice when r str8 girls, alowed to tell a gay guy whta he can and cant say fuck both of u

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha’s straight but i’m fucking pan you colossal asshole

 **how.very.onica:** I dont see anybdoy callimg girls fags ok its not ur fuckihn say

 **martha-dunnstock:** Then by calling J.D. a f*g, aren’t you just carrying on what homophobes are doing?????

 **how.very.onica:** Im to fucking drunk 4 this fuck all of u ill give the stpuid phone back r u hapy

 **7.11.J.D:** Kurt Kelly, if I run into you on monday, it Won’t be Pretty

 **how.very.onica:** UR FUCKING USPENDED ASSHOLE UR NOT GONNA SEE ME ANYWAY

 **7.11.J.D:** Get the Fuck out Kurt and give Veronica her Phone Back. Go Fuck Yourself

 **how.very.onica:** what the hell just happened, kurt cleared the chat history and left but his face was a weird combination of drunk, pissed off, scared, and turned on

 **hucklebettyfinn:** I FUCKING HATE KURT KELLYS EVIL STONER ASS

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HIS “I CAN THROW AROUND SLURS BECAUSE IM OPPRESSED” SWEATY DISGUSTING FUCKBOY WEED SMOKING ASS

 **martha-dunnstock:** I guess you could say his ass is grass

 **how.very.onica:** ok the swearing was jarring but the pun is great, ily martha

 **martha-dunnstock:** But really though, Kurt is objectively awful

 **how.very.onica:** i know but i’m not about to like personally piss off kurt, that would just make ram mad, and then everybody would be mad

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah whenever ram gets pissed off everyone ends up pissed off it’s like an evil aura it’s so fucking weird

 **7.11.J.D:** Sorry

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Sorry that was so fucking Stupid of me fuck now he’s gonna give You Guys a hard time on Monday I’m So Goddamn Stupid Fuck

 **how.very.onica:** woah woah hey jd it’s cool!!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** He’s going to tell Ram what happend which will make Ram mad and then Everybody will be Mad fuck fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 **how.very.onica:** JD JD STOP ITS CHILL idk what you did but idc, it can’t be that bad

 **7.11.J.D:** I Threatened him and told him to go Fuck Himself

 **how.very.onica:** like a specific threat or just like “Your shit is Rekt Kurt”

 **martha-dunnstock:** _7.11.J.D: Kurt Kelly, if I run into you on monday, it Won’t be Pretty_

_how.very.onica: UR FUCKING USPENDED ASSHOLE UR NOT GONNA SEE ME ANYWAY_

_7.11.J.D: Get the Fuck out Kurt and give Veronica her Phone Back. Go Fuck Yourself_

**how.very.onica:** oh shit

 **7.11.J.D:** I Knew that you would get mad at me Fuck I’m So Sorry

 **how.very.onica:** i’m not mad at you dw jd

 **7.11.J.D:** Sounds Fake but Ok……….

 **how.very.onica:** that was just an “oh shit” to the situation we’re in now i swear

 **7.11.J.D:** :/ Ok

 **hucklebettyfinn:** so is kurt gonna destroy all of our reputations or

 **martha-dunnstock:** He can’t do much harm to mine, it’s already rock bottom

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay fair but what about me and veronica

 **7.11.J.D:** SHIT

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCKF UFCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKK!!!!!!! VERONI C A IMM SO SOR RY ILL DO WHATEVER I CNAN TO SYOP HIM OK ILL COME VOER TO HEATHERS PARTY AND WE CAN CONFROTN HIM TOGETEHPR OK

 **how.very.onica:** jd it’s really ok please calm down don’t blame yourself

 **how.very.onica:** the heathers seem to like me enough that they’ll back me up over kurt and ram

 **how.very.onica:** i just have a feeling ok???? please trust me on this

 **7.11.J.D:** [[surejan.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/38fblIIrHLMPe/giphy.gif)]

 **how.very.onica:** i’m gonna bring heather with me to talk to them in case anything goes wrong

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, we don’t know which Heather you’re talking about when you don’t put an initial or their last name

 **how.very.onica:** oh lol shit sorry, they’re always just saying heather on its own so i guess it rubbed off ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **how.very.onica:** heather mcnamara will be coming with me

 **7.11.J.D:** Who

 **hucklebettyfinn:** the yellow one

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok, be Careful Veronica

\--

**heather cubed redux  
**

_**Today** 9:04pm_

**red:** WHERE DID VERONICA GO WITH HEATHER

 **green:** idk theyre not gonna fuck tho so chill out

 **red:** N E VE R

 **green:** seriously its. just heather

 **green:** id have thought ud rather have heather hanging out with her than kurt and ram

 **red:** they’re gay and monogamous

 **green:** yea so is heather

 **green:** OH LMFAO

 **green:**  URE RLY JEALOUS?????

 **green:** i told u shes not gonna do anything especially when she knows u like veronica

 **red:** i’m just going to ignore that last part

 **red:** heather is drunk

 **green:** barely

 **green:** for real im telling you she definitely isnt gonna do anything

 **red:** you have no way of knowing that

 **green:** yea i do

 **red:** how

 **green:** fidelity you dumbass

 **red:** HEATHER IS DATING SOMEONE??????

 **red:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **red:** SINCE FUCKING WHEN

 **red:** WHO

 **red:** YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME

 **red:** NO WAY IN HELL WOULD SHE GET A GIRLFRIEND WITHOUT TELLING ME

 **green:** well golly gee i sure wonder what behavior of urs could have ever made her think u hate gay people and dont like hearing about them

 **green:** maybe the constant angry denial whenever i tease u about veronica

 **red:** WHAT

 **red:** SHE CAN’T SERIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT I WOULD HATE HER I’M HER FRIEND

 **red:** JUST BECAUSE I’M STRAIGHT DOESN’T MEAN I HATE GAY PEOPLE

 **green:** …

 **green:** [[but-thats-none-of-my-business.jpg](https://imgflip.com/s/meme/But-Thats-None-Of-My-Business.jpg)]

 **green:** shes gonna see all of this when she gets back from not fucking veronica lol

 **green:** anyway y the fuck are we typing were the only ones in the room

 **red:** …………….

_**Today** 9:13pm_

**red:** WHATBTHEN FUCK WHAT THEHFJICK

 **green:** whaT OH MY GOD

 **red:** THEY'RE FUCKIGN DE AD TO ME FUCKING KURT AND RAM CAN EAT SHIT AND DIE FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCKBOY PIECES OF SHIT FUCK THEM FUCK THEM FUCK THEM

 **yellow:** Guys no, it’s not what you think

 **green:** i cant fucking believe this happened

 **green:** is this real fucking life

 **yellow:** (Btw we’re definitely having a serious talk about heather’s internalized homophobia later)

 **red:** IM TOING TO FUCKING MRUDER KURT AND RAM BYE

 **yellow:** WAIT HEATHER NO I CAN EXPLAIN!!!!!!

 **yellow:** IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

 **yellow:** HEATHER WAIT UP IT WASN’T KURT AND RAM

 **yellow:** IT WAS ACTUALLY MY FAULT

 **yellow:** STOP

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:15pm_

 **how.very.onica** : fucking ram’s stupid evil anger aura fuck

 **martha-dunnstock** : ??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what happened

 **7.11.J.D:** Are you Ok

 **how.very.onica:** … promise you won’t get mad

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i can’t promise shit what did you do

 **how.very.onica:** [blackeye.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** OH MYG OD

 **hucklebettyfinn:** VERONICA WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO TO YOUR EYE

 **7.11.J.D:** IM GOING TO KILL THEM

 **how.very.onica:** JD NOOOO ITS COOL I WAS THE ONLY PERSON PUNCHING ANYBODY

 **martha-dunnstock:** E X P L A I N

 **how.very.onica:** OK SO ME AND HEATHER LEFT THE ROOM TO GO FIND KURT AND RAM

 **how.very.onica:** AND WE FOUND THEM IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM JUST CHILLING OUT BUT THEN RAM LOOKED UP AND CAUGHT MY EYE. HE WAS FURIOUS

 **how.very.onica:** AND LIKE IDK ALL WHAT WENT DOWN IN THE CHAT SO I TRIED TO STAY CALM AND JUST APOLOGIZE???

 **how.very.onica:** DIDN'T WORK OUT BECAUSE KURT SAID SOMETHING BIPHOBIC AND RAMS FUCKING AURA IS A THING. SO I PUNCHED HIM IN THE NOSE

 **how.very.onica:** RAM LOOKED LIKE HE WANTED TO KILL ME BUT RAN OFF TO GO FIND A MED KIT THANK GOD SO HEATHER RUSHED FORWARD TO TRY AND SLOW THE BLEEDING UNTIL HE GOT BACK

 **how.very.onica:** SHE TOOK OFF HER CARDIGAN AND ELBOWED ME IN THE EYE IN THE PROCESS SO YEAH YOU DONT NEED TO KILL KURT AND RAM ITS ALL COOL

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay….

 **hucklebettyfinn:** put some ice on that shit oh my god if it’s that dark already that can’t be good

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Outside

 **how.very.onica:** WHAT???? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST

 **7.11.J.D:** I have a Motorbike

 **how.very.onica:** IT CAN'T BE THAT FAST?????

 **7.11.J.D:** I was Speeding it can go Pretty Fast

 **martha-dunnstock:** Did you wear a helmet???

 **7.11.J.D:** No Why

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh boy

 **martha-dunnstock:** J.D., I DON'T KNOW YOU ALL THAT WELL, BUT YOU SHOULD REALLY WEAR A HELMET WHEN YOU RIDE YOUR MOTORBIKE!!!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** martha

 **martha-dunnstock:** IT’S VERY UNSAFE TO GO WITHOUT ONE!!!! YOU COULD GET VERY SERIOUS HEAD AND SPINAL TRAUMA FROM A CRASH

 **how.very.onica:** martha

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHAT???

 **how.very.onica:** idk where kurt and ram are??? that can’t be good???

 **7.11.J.D:** Fuck they better not be coming Out Here

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:20pm_

 **yellow:** Okay, where is everybody??

 **how.very.onica:** third floor

 **green:** second

 **red:** first floor

 **yellow:** Can we all meet up on the second again

 **how.very.onica:** no

 **red:** what why

 **how.very.onica:** my ride is outside

 **green:** wtf if id known u had access to a ride i wouldnt have picked u up ;/

 **yellow:** Heather, don’t be rude

 **green:** nah

 **yellow:** :/ Where are kurt and ram???

 **red:** they left

 **yellow:** So early?? Really?? They usually don’t leave until past midnight

 **red:** they got bored

 **how.very.onica:** shit

 **how.very.onica:** sorry i really need to leave, thanks for having me over guys

 **green:** oh come on we barely even hung out

 **yellow:** Yeah veronica, if you don't have to leave right away we could invite your ride in??

 **red:** you can invite your ride in i don’t care

 **red:** veronica you guys can stick around however long you want

 **how.very.onica:** he might get murdered i need to rescue him bye

 **yellow:** I didn’t see you come down the stairs???

 **yellow:** MURDER??? WHAT??????

 **yellow:** VERONICA WHAT’S GOING ON

 **green:** THIS ISNT HOW THIS FRIENDSHIP WORKS VERONICA ONLY WERE ALLOWED TO WEIRD U OUT PLS COME BACK TO THE PARTY

 **how.very.onica:** there's a window open on the third floor with some bedsheets hanging out, so make sure you reel those in and lock the window, i don’t want you guys getting robbed

 **red:** DID YOU SERIOUSLY LEAVE MY PARTY LIKE A JAILBREAK

 **how.very.onica:** gotta motor ttyl

 **red:** VERONICA

 **yellow:** WHAT JUST HAPPENED

 **yellow:** VERONICA??????

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:24pm_

 **green:** im crying this was our fault we created a monster

 **yellow:** I’m so confused

 **red:** was i really that bad of a host that she had to climb out the window to get away from us

 **red:** she could have fallen and hurt herself and it would’ve been my fault

 **green:** heather u wonderful gay rose im up on the third floor and i can confirm she wouldve been fine because shes smart as hell

 **yellow:** It’s a mansion with three stories??? How would she have been alright

 **green:** [lawnmattress.jpg]

 **red:** is that

 **red:** is that my mattress

 **red:** on the lawn

 **green:** yea idk how she got it out the window but she positioned it well

 **yellow:** Her ride might’ve helped her position it

 **yellow:** But why are there lipstick stains on it

 **red:** what the fuck are you talking about

 **green:** uhh heather thats not lipstick

 **green:** heather y the fuck is there blood on ur mattress

 **red:** BFIEFHEIDJEVFUEJFJBFEUDJ FUCK

 **red:** veRoNIC A GOT HURT F CUK UFuKc IT S ALL MY FAuLT

 **red:** HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO HER

 **yellow:** It could have been her ride that was bleeding

 **red:** STILL

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:29pm_

 **red:** VERONICA THERE'S BLOOD ON THE MATTRESS ARE YOU ALRIGHT

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, kurt and ram punched my ride when he was positioning the mattress. it’s all good now

 **how.very.onica:** that’s why i had to leave in a hurry, since kurt and ram were leaving they were gonna see my ride and beat him up. he really pissed them off earlier

 **yellow:** Who is your ride???

 **how.very.onica:** martha’s brother, james

 **green:** martha doesnt have a brother, nice try hunty

 **how.very.onica:** ugh fine its jd, i didnt want to tell you since itd just piss you off

 **red:** do you like him

 **how.very.onica:** ??? yeah of course i like him why else would i be his friend

 **red:** okay

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:33pm_

 **how.very.onica** : we’re outside come let us in

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sorry, Veronica, my parents are still up!! Come back after 10 and we can let you in

 **7.11.J.D:** What if you let Veronica Inside now and I Break In later

 **hucklebettyfinn:** your entry ticket is the ice cream where is it

 **7.11.J.D:** What Ice Cream

 **how.very.onica:** shit

 **how.very.onica:** ok looks like we’re leaving to get ice cream is there anything else you guys want

 **martha-dunnstock:** Buy helmets!!! I can see you through the window and I can tell you haven’t worn helmets, please be safe!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok Anything Else

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk maybe like a slushie

 **how.very.onica:** you’re already getting ice cream why do you want two cold things

 **7.11.J.D:** Let Betty Live her Life

 **7.11.J.D:** So Ice Cream and Slushies and That’s It

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ye

 **how.very.onica:** ok see you later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: in this chapter i almost had jd crash his motorbike outside the mansion, but i couldn't find a way to play it off as funny and i figure the vehicular shenanigans last chapter would last us for a while in that department


	4. Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the heathers get drunk. jd and veronica engage in shenanigans

**heather cubed redux**

_**Today** 9:41pm_

**green:** heather arent u going to ask veronica if she got home safely

 **red:** no

 **green:** y

 **yellow:** Come on heather, don’t be petty

 **yellow:** Just because she left your party doesn’t mean we shouldn't check on her

 **red:** you do realize petty might as well be my middle name right

 **yellow:** Yeah, but you’re not unreasonable

 **green:** [eyes emoji]

 **red:** shut up heather

 **green:** no caps? is this what progress looks like lmfao

 **red:** :/ ANYWAY i’m not mad at her for leaving the party

 **yellow:** Why are you mad then????

 **red:** …

 **yellow:** I’m not a mind reader, heather

 **yellow:** Unless I took, like, a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I can’t tell why you’re mad

 **green:** tag urself im the meat cleaver

 **red:** … she’s clearly into jd

 **green:** idk about that

 **red:** _red: do you like him  
_

_how.very.onica: ??? yeah of course i like him why else would i be his friend_

**green:** heather thats. her pretty clearly saying she likes him as a friend

 **yellow:** Well, she could be dancing around the subject out of not wanting to admit a crush to us

 **red:** WHY WOULDN’T SHE WANT TO ADMIT SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO US :) :)

 **red:** : )

 **green:** chill with the passive aggressive smileys ok weve known her for literally a day

 **yellow:** Yeah, it would be unreasonable to expect her to trust us when all we’ve done today is freak her out by doing weird things

 **red:** heather noticed her checking out jd in the cafeteria earlier :)

 **green:** idk for sure if she was checkin him out aight jesus

 **green:** it was probably just him staring like a creep and her trying to see what was up

 **yellow:** We could always just ask her more directly?? I’m not sure if she would be honest with us but it’s worth a shot

 **red:** NO I’LL LOOK DSEPERATE

 **yellow:** Heather, you’re my friend, but caps lock makes you look more desperate than asking a simple question ever will

 **green:** JEKSYJDJSVFHJS IM SCREENSHOTTING THIS AND FRAMING IT IRL

 **yellow:** :3c

 **red:** hello 911 i’m being attacked??? yeah her hair looks like the neighbor’s dead poodle. yeah she has to use perfume from walmart because she blows all of her money trying to tame it. like it doesn’t help but at least she’s trying i guess

 **green:** [[whyualwayslyin.jpg](http://d236bkdxj385sg.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/why-you-always-lying-feat.jpg)]

 **yellow:** We all know my hair looks great, come on

 **green:** id also like to point out that not wanting to check on our new friend just because u think she likes a guy instead of u is rly shitty ;/

 **yellow:** Yeah, that too

 **green:** weve given veronica a lot of reasons to hate us already tbh

 **red:** oh shut the fuck up

 **green:** ok props for not telling me to go purge or something i genuinely appreciate that

 **red:** i’m still mad at you but you don’t need to thank me for that, i’m not that awful

 **yellow:** … So can I ask veronica if she got home alright

 **red:** go for it

 **yellow:**  Okay, I need a drink first

\--  
****

**vroomonica  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:48pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ok guys we’re at the gas station, do you have any last minute requests??

 **martha-dunnstock:** Nope!! I think we’re good, thanks so much Veronica

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wait do they have corn nuts

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, do you want some?? like what kind

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nah but i heard heather chandler likes them

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, good thinking, Betty!! Yeah, you could make it up to Heather Chandler for leaving her party early by buying her some Corn Nuts

 **how.very.onica:** hmm i’ll think about it ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **how.very.onica:** i’ve never actually had them so idk if they’re any good

 **martha-dunnstock:** They’re alright, I guess?? Not really my thing anyway

 **hucklebettyfinn:** same

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, idk if anyone has a really strong opinion on corn nuts one way or the other

 **7.11.J.D:** Corn Nuts are Disgusting

 **how.very.onica:** explain lol?? also where are you

 **7.11.J.D:** They just Suck

 **7.11.J.D:** And I’m By the Slushie Machine

 **how.very.onica:** why is this gas station so big

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that’s what she said

 **how.very.onica:** i want an “i survived the huge gas station” tshirt

 **7.11.J.D:** I think I actually Saw Something like That near The Front but I’m not Sure

 **martha-dunnstock:** If they don’t have one, I can make you one, if you really want it!!

 **how.very.onica:** y e s

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’ll pay you actual money to put “(that’s what she said)” on the back martha

 **7.11.J.D:** I want a Matching One

 **7.11.J.D:** For my Chauffeur Services and Also getting Punched in the Face

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk why you got punched in the face but fair is fair

_martha-dunnstock has named the conversation “Martha Dunnstock Seamstress Services - Open 24/7”.  
****_

_**Today** 9:52pm_

**how.very.onica:** <3 martha you’re the best

 **martha-dunnstock:** I know :)

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v**  
****

**_Today_** _9:53pm_

 **yellow:** Hey veronica, just wamted to make sure yo got hme safely!!

 **how.very.onica:** aww that's so sweet lol, i’m at a gas station right now but i’ll be headed over to martha dunnstock’s in a few

 **yellow:** Cool!! What are you guys gonna be doing

 **how.very.onica:** just watching the princess bride, and i think we’re gonna watch some parks and rec, and grease live?? i’ll have to ask what her and betty already got through

 **yellow:** Oh I loooove parks nd rec!! April is t he best

 **how.very.onica:** truuu

 **how.very.onica:** btw where are heather and heather

 **how.very.onica:** usually they’d burst into the chat by now and start bickering, it’s weirdly silent without them

 **yellow:** Theyre dribking and Im a little drunk alreay

 **how.very.onica:** ok ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i think we’re leaving for martha’s now so i’ll text you guys later, byeeeeee

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:07pm_

 **red:** heather

 **green:** im right nexg to u the fuck

 **red:** othehr one dumabss

 **yellow:** Presnet!!!! Third floor thoguh lol

 **red:** cool cool

 **yellow:** Did yuo open the wine wihtout me :(

 **red:** no

 **green:** yea

 **yellow:** :( Im coming down, saev some for me plaes

 **green:** ur e ggonna wanan stay up there hea ther lollll

 **yellow:** What why?????

 **red:** youd idn’t tell me uou had a GIRLFIREND

 **yellow:** I figured you werent reayd to talk abotu gay stuff??? Im sory

 **red:** i don’t c a re if yourre gay just ebcause i’m not

 **green:** thats ecxactly what were talkign abiut heather ur denial makes us feel like u dont want to hear about how gay we are

 **green:** separtately gay tho we arent datign

 **red:** it’ s NOT D ENIAL??? IM STRAIGHT

 **yellow:** Come onnnn heathehr :/ denial isntn pretty

 **red:** IM STRAIHGT

 **green:** heather u cant evn say the word “gay”

 **red:** …

 **green:** im literally rhgt next to u u fucj u cant ignore me that easy

 **green:** FCUK

 **green:** IT HAPPEEND ONCE INA DREAM SI ONTN HE MOVE

 **green:** BEEN THE RE DONE THAT PLS INTERCEPT

 **green:** ABFKSMFHISNFH

 **yellow:** RDue

 **yellow:** WHY AM I BEEN THERE DONE THAT WE KISSED LIKE ONCE IN SEIXTH GRADE

 **green:** EXACKTY

 **red:** shut thef uk up i left to pee thsi is bUllying

 **green:** U CAN ADDRES ME AS EAGLE 1

 **green:** NOBODY IS CURRENTLY DOING THAT IM TRGAICLALY SIBGLE…..

 **green:** HEATHER IS: IT HAPPENED ONCE IN A DREAM

 **green:** KURT, CODENAME: IF I AHD TO PICK A DUDE (TO MARYR FOR TAX BE NEFITS OFC)

 **green:** RAM IS EAGLE 2

 **yellow:** Who si veronica

 **green:** shit ure right idfkk

 **yellow:** I would say make ehr “currentlyd oign that” but heather would die

 **yellow:** We need less friejnds :(

 **red:** kurt and ram are otu fot eh club

 **green:** ok so veronica can be eagl e 2 and jd could be “if i ahd to pick a dude” ?? just for psoryerity i gues

 **yellow:** Psoeyryt

 **red:** stop tyrign to type long words we’re all druhk

 **yellow:** Posterity

 **red:** :/ showoff

 **red:** you can come drik with us now thouh i’m done beig psised

\--  
****

**Martha Dunnstock Seamstress Services - Open 24/7  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:17pm_

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hey Veronica, where are you??

 **how.very.onica:** WE FOUND A DOG

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WTF BRING IT HERE I WANNA PET IT…

 **martha-dunnstock:** NO!! WHAT IF IT HAS RABIES???

 **how.very.onica:** IT’S OK, WE’RE JUST TAKING IT TO THE SHELTER SO IT DOESN'T GET HIT BY A CAR AND DIE OR SOEMTHING

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ;( does it have dog tags

 **how.very.onica:** idk

 **how.very.onica:** OMG IT’S MS FLEMIGNS DOG???

 **martha-dunnstock:** I always thought she was more of a cat person

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nah i think she’s allergic

 **martha-dunnstock:** Any time she mentions Moonbeam Starshine, all she does is complain about him… :(

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok Stoplight so we’re Almost to the Shelter we should be Over in 10

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what if you speed

 **martha-dunnstock:** DON’T SPEED!!!!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** we have helmets now, it’s ok!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** It would be Like 6 if we Speed but I Don’t Want To

 **hucklebettyfinn:** worst bad boy ever

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh don’t let the ice cream or slushie melt

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Still Frozen

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you know what nvm jd is my new best friend

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sorry Veronica, you’ve been replaced!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, shoot, we should stop texting you so you don’t crash

 **martha-dunnstock:** Stay safe, you guys!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok

_**Today** 10:29pm_

**7.11.J.D:** We’re Outside

 **hucklebettyfinn:** alright i’ll open a window on the first floor so you can get in and come upstairs, veronica knows the way

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WHY DO YOU STILL HAVE MOONBEAM STARSHINE

 **how.very.onica:** we’ve claimed him as our own

 **7.11.J.D:** Is Now a Bad Time to mention Reginald

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHO IS REGINALD????

 **7.11.J.D:** We got a Cat At the Shelter

 **7.11.J.D:** He’s Moonbeam’s Replacement

 **how.very.onica:** ok if we’re keeping moonbeam we have to change his name, there’s no way i’m torturing an animal by continuing to call him moonbeam starshine

 **hucklebettyfinn:** call him olly olly oxen free

 **martha-dunnstock:** How about Pufflesnoot the First??

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt Martha

 **how.very.onica:** i like pufflesnoot

 **7.11.J.D:** Put “Pufflesnoot Protection Squad” on the Back of Our Shirts too Martha

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sounds good to me!! Now let’s watch some movies

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wait but how are you going to plant reginald in ms fleming’s house before she realizes pufflesnoot is gone

 **how.very.onica:** jd

 **7.11.J.D:** Home Invasion is an unfortunate Skill to Have but it’s the Cross I have to Bear….

 **martha-dunnstock:** … Don’t get arrested

 **how.very.onica:** alright guys, phones away, it’s time to fucking PARTY

 **hucklebettyfinn:** same

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:23am_

 **red:** VREONCIA

 **red:** VEROFKMICAAA

 **how.very.onica:** what

 **red:** whatt if i todl you you hav preytth eyes veorinc

 **how.very.onica:** ?? they’re just brown lol but thanks?? i think??

 **red:** veronicica i like yror hai r too it/s sosososo very

 **how.very.onica:** aw that’s so sweet

 **red:** noooo like itss so very. you don't t get it

 **how.very.onica:** if all drunk heather does is compliment me then you should get drunk more often omg

 **how.very.onica:** you should probably turn off your phone though, i don’t want you to say something you’ll regret ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **red:** vreoenica you’re so nicce…… i think i’ll do taht thanhjs

 **how.very.onica:** have fun, heather

 **red:** :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pufflesnoot the first is a black and white shih tzu and reginald is a black and white shorthaired cat. also i almost made this chapter way more angsty and dramatic but i want to keep it pretty comedic (for now at least) so i let them chill


	5. 325 Sub Way, Milford, CT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the politics of dogsitting, guessing games, betrayal, and subway. also ram

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:42am_

 **red:** heatherrrr

 **green:** what

 **red:** not you, other heather

 **green:** we rly need to be clearer about which heather we mean its getting annoying ;/

 **yellow:** Sorry, I was showing mr stinson my homework

 **yellow:** What’s going on??

 **red:** who is your girlfriend

 **green:** come on heather u didnt get her to tell u when she was drunk what makes u think shell spill now

 **red:** power of friendship ???

 **yellow:** Lol, nice try, heather

 **yellow:** I’m not going to slip up, I hid it from you for three months just finn

 **green:** … ok

 **green:** hdksFHSJBFHSKBF SHIT FUCKBOY ALERT

 **red:** is it kurt or ram this time

 **green:** ITS RAM HE WANTS ME TO PUT HIM IN SQUAD = H^3 + V

 **red:** ??? do it?? what’s the problem

 **yellow:** I thought we kicked him out of the club friday night

 **yellow:** I could’ve sworn we did

 **green:** ure right lmao it was when i was doing the parks and rec ref

 **green:** _red: kurt and ram are otu fot eh club_

 **green:** so i take it u were jk

 **red:** uh duh

 **green:** damn it

 **yellow:** Damnit

 **yellow:** Add ram to the other chat, I guess

 **yellow:** ;////

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:46am_

 **yellow:** Heads up, veronica, gay football player incoming

 **how.very.onica:** which one

_green has added ramsweeneytodd to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:47am_

**how.very.onica:** ugh why

 **green:** idk ys it always gotta be me adding people to the gotdamn chat

 **ramsweeneytodd:** hey rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrronicaaaaaaaaa

 **how.very.onica:** euthanize me i can practically hear the bad r-rolling

 **ramsweeneytodd:** dont be like that, ull hurt there feeeeeliiiiiings

 **how.very.onica:** whose feelings

 **ramsweeneytodd:** … idk somebodys

 **green:** what do u want ram if u just wanna harass veronica u can do it irl

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ill pass thx i feel like keeping my balls attached

 **yellow:** Ugh, what do you want

 **ramsweeneytodd:** my aunts dog is missing so shes making me ask everyone if theyve seen him around

 **red:** and you're actually doing it because …???????

 **ramsweeneytodd:** shell right me out of the will if i dont and i really want her sofa

 **red:** fair

 **ramsweeneytodd:** theirs also a cat in her house for some reason idk how it got their but we wanna find a new home for it too

 **yellow:** Ram, please go back to third grade

 **green:** get out of here grammar gestapo

 **red:** [eyes emoji]

 **red:** ram do you have any pictures of the dog

 **red:** or are we just going to hold hands and sing kumbaya until the dog comes back

 **ramsweeneytodd:** [[moonbeam.jpg](https://www.shihtzuadvice.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Training-Shih-Tzu.jpg)]

 **ramsweeneytodd:** its an old pic but she said it should be recognizable

 **how.very.onica:** hahaha yup i’ve definitely never seen that dog in my life

 **how.very.onica:** sorry ram, hope you and your aunt find it soon hahaha

 **how.very.onica:** ha

 **ramsweeneytodd:** :/ well if your sure

_ramsweeneytodd has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:50am_

\--  
****

**Martha Dunnstock Seamstress Services  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:50am_

 **how.very.onica:** DNSKXBJSMD DID YOU GUYS KNOW RAM IS MS FLEMING’S NEPHEW

 **martha-dunnstock:** ?????????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WTF RECEIPTS

 **martha-dunnstock:** HOW DIDN'T I KNOW THAT????? I BASICALLY STALKED HIM SINCE FIRST GRADE?????????????

 **7.11.J.D:** SHWKDHUSKSLDNDHSKSS THERE IS N O W AY I’M GOING TO SURVIVE B ABYSITTING P UFFLESNOOT AM I

 **hucklebettyfinn:** *titanic pennywhistle solo*

 **7.11.J.D:** THIS IS N OT A TIME FOR J OKES B ETTY MY L IFE IS O N THE L INE

 **how.very.onica:** heyheyhey chill!!! you’re not gonna die jd

 **7.11.J.D:** Sounds Fake but Ok

 **how.very.onica:** anyway receipts _ramsweeneytodd: my aunts dog is missing so shes making me ask everyone if theyve seen him around_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** alright i know ram lives across town so as long as we’re careful we should live probably

 **7.11.J.D:** Someone Else will Have to Take Pufflesnoot Overnight

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i would volunteer but my parents are literally so nosy

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it’s a miracle they still think i’m straight

 **how.very.onica:** rt

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt

 **martha-dunnstock:** I would say “rt” but we all know I’m the only straight one

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, not to speak for J.D. though!!! I shouldn't assume anything like that

 **7.11.J.D:** Nah you’re Right

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha dunnstock: mother theresa, master seamstress, and the lone het in the group chat

 **7.11.J.D:** The Hetero Representation we Deserve

 **how.very.onica:** lol anywho my parents are also nosy, so martha you gotta take pufflesnoot duty overnight

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don’t know, you guys…

 **7.11.J.D:** [[pufflesnoot.jpg](http://oi63.tinypic.com/21liy68.jpg)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** !!! I take it all back, I’ll host him overnight

 **how.very.onica:** praise

 **martha-dunnstock:** :)

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha is the only human under the age of like 25 that can make a smiley face not look passive aggressive anymore

 **martha-dunnstock:** :)

 **hucklebettyfinn:** :) sweaty

 **7.11.J.D:** :)

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jd no offense but never do that again it makes you look like a serial killer

 **7.11.J.D:** :(

_**Today** 11:34am_

**7.11.J.D:** I’m taking Pufflesnoot to Subway

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WTF OMW

 **7.11.J.D** : What the Fuck Betty Please find your Chill

 **hucklebettyfinn:** NEVEBR IM ALWAYS A SLUT FOR SUBWAY ILL SEE YOU INA MINUTE

 **martha-dunnstock:** BETTY???

 **martha-dunnstock:** SHE ISN’T KIDDING, SHE JUST SPRINTED OUT THE DOOR

 **hucklebettyfinn:** SORRY MARTHA GOTTA MOTOR I’LL GET YOU A COOKIE OR SOEMEHTJNG

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO SIT WITH?????

 **martha-dunnstock:** :(

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:33pm_

 **red:** HEATHER WHO THE FUCJJ IS YROU GIRLFIREND I’M LOSJG MY MIND

 **yellow:** Oh my god fine, please chill, her name is hillary

 **red:** DBDUWHDGEJDNSBDH WTF THERE ISN'T A FUCKIGN HILLARY AT WESTERBURG

 **red:** WHAT SCHOOL DOES SHE GO TO???????

 **yellow:** She lives in Illinois

 **red:** HOW THENF UFCK DO YOU MEET SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN ILLINOIS……….

 **green:** internet dumbass

 **yellow:** She’s kind of famous??

 **yellow:** Like she’s on tv a lot, so you might know her

 **red:** WHAT’S HER LAST NAME I GOTTA CYBERSTALK THIS BITCH…. NOBODY IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR A HEATHER

 **yellow:** Clinton

 **red:** FHEOJFHEKFMDHOFNDHFJFN

 **yellow:** :3c

 **green:** bitch u thought!!!!!!!

 **red:** i hate both of you

 **green:** love u boo  <3 xoxo

\--  
****

**Martha Dunnstock Seamstress Services  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:04pm_

 **how.very.onica:** jd did you get me anything from subway earlier

 **7.11.J.D:** No You Never Asked ???

 **how.very.onica:** ok this friendship is over you’re dead to me

 **7.11.J.D:** …

 **how.very.onica:** dFHSIJFH SHIT I WAS KIDDING….. DON’T HATE ME

 **hucklebettyfinn:** sorry veronica jd is my new best friend now

 **how.very.onica:** BETRAYAL

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jd’s name in my contacts is “subway buddy” now

 **7.11.J.D:** Say Goodbye to your Precious Subway  >:)

 **how.very.onica:** i lost a friend to social justice……… ;(

 **7.11.J.D:** Correction: Subway Justice™

 **hucklebettyfinn:** checkmate sjws

 **martha-dunnstock:** :/ I’m still mad about earlier, you guys…

 **how.very.onica:** ok, in my defense, the heathers were being icy as fuck today so you wouldn't have wanted to sit with us anyway

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yes, I would’ve!!! It would be better than eating alone in the corner like a loser again

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK Please Tell Me you’ll Still Take Pufflesnoot Tonight

 **martha-dunnstock:** I have half a mind not to :/

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m sorry for not inviting you along but i’m not sorry for going to subway

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i want my ashes scattered in front of subway hq when i die

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay, we all know Betty’s union with Subway is sacred, so I’m not that mad about you running out… But I still wish that somebody had invited me to Subway or to their table, you know?

 **how.very.onica:** yeah that’s fair

 **hucklebettyfinn:** sorry martha

 **7.11.J.D:** I Technically did Nothing Wrong but I feel Guilty Anyway

 **martha-dunnstock:** :)

 **martha-dunnstock:** Subway Justice has been served!

_how.very.onica has named the conversation “Subway Justice”._

_**Today** 3:12pm_

_7.11.J.D has named the conversation “Subway Justice™”._

_**Today** 3:12pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** respect jd’s intellectual property or i’ll call the internet police on you!!!!1111

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:07pm_

 **red:** heather

 **yellow:** N O

 **red:** ;/

 **green:** ok let heather live at least give her ur gf’s first initial

 **yellow:** B

 **red:** WTF IS IT BEATRICE THAT CHEAP HOE WHO TRIED TO STEAL MY HANDBAG LAST YEAR

 **green:** wtf kind of backstabbing traitor do u think heather is

 **yellow:** Yeah, it’s not beatrice

 **yellow:** I do have standards, you know

 **green:** DBISHFSJFBFJ I ALMOST WISH I WERE FRIENDS WITH BEATRICE JUST SO I COULD SEND HER THAT SCREENSHOT……….

 **yellow:** Don’t

 **green:** u think i have her contact info??!?!? lmfaoooooo what kind of traitorous bitch do u think i am [laugh-crying emoji x5]

 **red:** a big one

 **green:** ok damn u got me there

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:16pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ok i don't trust your silence wtf are you doing

 **green:** playing guessing games pretty much

 **how.very.onica:** i’m kinda surprised heather hasn't outlawed those either lol

 **yellow:** Same, but she’s so nosy that it works to her advantage most of the time

 **green:** shes gonna see these messages tho

 **yellow:** On it

 **how.very.onica:** was friday just so crazy that you guys are burnt out or something?? guessing games are pretty tame compared to everything on friday

 **green:** yea friday was wild enough to last us for a while i think we met the crazy quota for the month

 **how.very.onica:** i like the change of pace ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ i just want to have a normal senior year from here on out

 **yellow:** I hope we don’t jinx it

 **green:** probably just did [eyes emoji] damn it veronica

 **how.very.onica:** whatever lol see you guys tomorrow

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:23pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Martha Are you Awake

 **7.11.J.D:** Martha I’m Outside with Pufflesnoot

 **7.11.J.D:** M

 **7.11.J.D:** A

 **7.11.J.D:** R

 **7.11.J.D:** T

 **7.11.J.D:** H

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you’re fired as my best friend

 **how.very.onica:** jd oh my god just break into her house she and her parents sleep like rocks

 **how.very.onica:** just don’t let the neighbors see you or anything

_**Today** 5:32am_

**martha-dunnstock:** DID J.D. REALLY BREAK INTO MY HOUSE???????????

 **7.11.J.D:** Yes now Quiet or you’ll Wake Betty and Veronica Up

 **martha-dunnstock:** WE’RE HAVING A SERIOUS TALK LATER, J.D.!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** What Time do your Parents Go to Work

 **martha-dunnstock:** 8:00, a.m. not p.m.

 **7.11.J.D:** Cool I’ll Come Get Pufflesnoot Then

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:12am_

 **red:** heather

 **yellow:** If this is about my girlfriend, you can get her name on my deathbed

 **red:** no it’s actually not about her this time

 **green:** [[surejan.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/38fblIIrHLMPe/giphy.gif)]

 **red:** stop it’s too early for dead memes

 **green:** [[i-aint-get-no-sleep-cause-of-yall.gif](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/987/545/bec.gif)]

 **yellow:** Free me

 **red:** an y way

 **red:** … okay i lied i’m asking about your girlfriend again

 **yellow:** I’m never telling you her name

 **red:** yeah but you could tell me other things like hair color or something idc

 **green:** damn ok im giving heather credit for once thats actually a good idea

 **yellow:** Okay fine, you can ask three questions about her a day

 **yellow:** But make them smart questions??? Like it’s too easy if you just ask about appearance or like “what’s the last letter in her first name”

 **red:** deal

 **yellow:** Also, I don’t care if veronica knows I’m gay so we can use the squad chat for this

 **yellow:** We remembered to kick ram out of the chat, right

 **green:** he left on his own for once

 **green:** so anyway thats two for three heathers who will readily admit gayness to veronica

 **red:** fuck off

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:56am_

 **yellow:** Just to bring you up to speed, veronica: I’m gay and I have a girlfriend, but heather c didn’t know until recently

 **yellow:** So, we’ve made a guessing game out of it to see if she can figure out who it is

 **how.very.onica:** omg that’s great

 **how.very.onica:** i would play too but that’s your business lol i’ll just spectate

 **green:** take notes ms heather nosy chandler

 **red:** in third grade you got a door slammed into your face when you tried to eavesdrop on the principal

 **green:** ok listen

 **how.very.onica:** this sounds like an adventure and a half

 **green:** i swear to god she hid weed somewhere in the office it was my MISSION TO FIND IT THIS IS BULLYING

 **yellow:** There wasn’t any weed

 **green:** but if there was it wouldve made such a badass headline

 **how.very.onica:** “local fetus heather duke busts principal for weed, becomes heiress to nefarious drug operation”

 **green:** see this one gets it

 **green:** im gay too veronica dont let heather m upstage me

 **how.very.onica:** lol nice

 **how.very.onica:** ugh shit ram wants me to let him back in the chat, should i

 **red:** sure

 **green:** no

 **yellow:** No

 **how.very.onica:** ok my heart also says no but he’s so annoying, i gotta if i want him to leave me alone

_how.very.onica has added ramsweeneytodd to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:02am_

**ramsweeneytodd:** why was martha dumptruck walking my aunts dog this morning

 **how.very.onica:** it’s dunnstock

 **red:** how the fuck should we know we don’t talk to her

 **ramsweeneytodd:** veronica doze so why was she walking my aunts dog

 **how.very.onica:** idk it was probably somebody else’s dog??? i know martha doesn’t have one but her neighbors have like five million

 **ramsweeneytodd:** add martha to the convo

 **how.very.onica:** ok jesus give me a minute

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:07am_

 **how.very.onica:** RAM SAW MARTHA WALKING PUFFLESNOOT BEFORE SCHOOL AND HE’S DEMANDING TO TALK TO HER SEND HELP

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HDKSNDUSKDBDJSN SHIT

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 **martha-dunnstock:** You could add him to this chat instead???

 **how.very.onica:** WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT JD IS HERE RAM WOULD KILL HIM

 **7.11.J.D:** I P RIZE MY L IFE MARTHA LET ME L IVE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay tbh jd could just not talk and ram would never realize

 **martha-dunnstock:** I still want backup, you guys

 **how.very.onica:** he wants me to add you to the heathers’ group chat so you would have me

 **martha-dunnstock:** Nooooo no no no, I don’t want the Heathers judging me

 **how.very.onica:** ok that’s fair, jd and betty don’t talk

 **hucklebettyfinn:** why can’t i talk

 **how.very.onica:** he’ll think something is fishy

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah because there is

 **how.very.onica:** yolo bitches

_how.very.onica has added ramsweeneytodd to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:09am_

**ramsweeneytodd:** i wont question your weird group chat name but why did you add me here

 **how.very.onica:** because yolo

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hi Ram!! Why did you want to talk to me?? :)

 **ramsweeneytodd:** why were you walking my aunts dog this morning

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, I didn’t know Rebecca was your aunt??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** my aunt is ms fleming and i know she isnt your neighbor

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ohh, this is just one big misunderstanding, I’m so sorry!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Rebecca’s dog must look like your aunt’s. I was walking Oreo because Rebecca got knee surgery, but even little dogs need exercise!!

 **ramsweeneytodd:** i almost feel bad

 **how.very.onica:** wtf i didn’t know you had a conscience ram

 **ramsweeneytodd:** fuck off dont think ive forgotten that you punched my boyfriend in the face

 **how.very.onica:** no sympathy for biphobes [kiss emoji]

_ramsweeneytodd has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:11am_

**7.11.J.D:** [[The-Evil-is-Defeated.jpg](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/DF6iVTBvgu0/maxresdefault.jpg)]

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:43am_

 **green:** if kurt keeps saying ching chong im gonna kill him

 **how.very.onica:** i’ll hide the body

 **yellow:** Veronica, you don’t even have a car

 **red:** don’t be fucking rude

 **yellow:** So why is kurt being a racist dickbag again??

 **green:** idk something were talking about in class probably

 **how.very.onica:** why don't you know this

 **red:** neither of us pay attention in any of our classes ever

 **green:** ok he just put his fingers by his eyes and pulled the skin to make them look like slats is this the fucking 90s yikes

 **yellow:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **how.very.onica:** this is some next level fuckboy shit

 **red:** okay fuck this douchebag for real him and ram are out of the club

 **green:** thank GOD

 **green:** ok thats it he just drew on his hand with yellow highlighter im dragging this dumb shit to the seventh circle of hell and back byeee

_**Today** 10:49am_

**green:** FUCK THIS

 **yellow:** What happened

 **red:** they both got detention for an hour after school

 **yellow:** What the fuck, why did heather get detention???

 **how.very.onica:** wtf

 **green:** i called him white devil trailer trash and apparently thats comparable to calling me (and i quote) kim jong hoe

 **yellow:** SHIT

 **yellow:** I’M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THE BUS HOME

 **red:** priorities

 **yellow:** HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON THE BUS HEATHER????

 **red:** no but it can’t be that bad

 **how.very.onica:** the bus is hell

 **green:** yea dont erase heathers struggle with public transportation

 **red:** [[I’m-A-Nice-Fucking-Person.gif](http://oi66.tinypic.com/143gugw.jpg)]

 **yellow:** [[surejan.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/38fblIIrHLMPe/giphy.gif)]

 **red:** this is HARASSMENT

 **red:** WA IT FUCKKKKK I DON’T AHVE A RIDE

 **yellow:** You could always take the bus to hell with me

 **how.very.onica:** actually i think jd has a sidecar for his motorbike??

 **how.very.onica:** so like if i ask him he could bring it and you could hitch a ride with us

 **green:** wtf i want a joyride in a sidecar

 **how.very.onica:** sorry heather lmao there's not enough room

 **yellow:** You could always give heather a lapdance lmao

 **green:** what kind of animal do u take me for im at least a third dinner date kind of gal pal

 **how.very.onica:** oh if you see betty sprint out the door at lunch can martha come sit with us

 **yellow:** :/

 **green:** ew

 **how.very.onica:** ://// she’s my best friend since diapers, don’t be fucking rude

 **red:** yeah martha can sit with us, i don’t care

 **how.very.onica:** cool, if betty doesn't sprint out can she come too

 **yellow:** Yeah

 **green:** bettys alright yea

 **red:** sure

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:03am_

 **how.very.onica:** guess who just secured an invitation to the heathers’ table for one betty finn and one miss martha dunnstock

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wtf why

 **martha-dunnstock:** That’s so cool!!! Thanks, Veronica!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** [[cryingseal.jpg](http://oi65.tinypic.com/34obh38.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** jd at least you don't have to eat radioactive garbage from the cafeteria

 **7.11.J.D:** Yup I get to eat Radioactive Garbage à la 7/11

 **how.very.onica:** come on you love it there, it’s literally part of your username

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok True

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hey, J.D., can you bring me a slushie after school??

 **7.11.J.D:** Sure

 **martha-dunnstock:** Thanks a bunch!! I’ll pay you back, don’t worry

 **hucklebettyfinn:** can you get me one even though i’m broke

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah Whatever

 **hucklebettyfinn:** sweet, thanks new best friend

 **how.very.onica:** btw jd can you bring your sidecar?? heather duke got detention so heather chandler doesn't have a ride, i said she could come with us

 **7.11.J.D:** Uhh Idk where the Sidecar Is But I can Look

 **how.very.onica:** awesome

 **7.11.J.D:** She has to Hold Pufflesnoot Though

 **how.very.onica:** that's fair

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:17pm_

 **red:** where are you veronica

 **how.very.onica:** i’m at the front of the school waiting for jd, he’ll be here in like ten

 **red:** okay

 **yellow:** It smells like sw eat and I watn to d ie

 **how.very.onica:** same

 **yellow:** No lietrally my gilfriei nd just broke u pwith me

 **red:** SDHWKDHUD WH AT THRNEUFK

 **how.very.onica:** what the fuck

 **red:** I’LL KILL HER SHOULD I KILL HER

 **yellow:** Ple a se don’t kill her I’m jsut uspet she did it ofe r TEXT

 **yellow:** WHILE I’M ON TH E BUS

 **how.very.onica:** wtf that's so shitty

 **red:** FUCK THE GUESSING GAME DO I KNOW HER WHO IS THIS BITCH

 **yellow:** I’LL TELL YOU KF YOU PR OMISE YOU WON'T DO ANYHTTING CRAZY

 **red:** i’ll do crazy shit with permission now WHO IS THIS BACKSTABBING WHORE

 **yellow:** B etty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... then who was phone????  
>  i'm already working on the next two chapters so they should be up quicker than this one. also ram was almost a musical theater nerd but i decided against it in the end


	6. Kidpocalypse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revenge™, featuring questionable life choices and the football gays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the longest chapter i've written i'm screaming

**squad = h^3 + v**

_**Today** 3:19pm_

**red:** BETTY IS NOT I VITED TO OUR TABLE ANYMORE FORGET THAT EVIL IRRELEVANT BI TCH

 **how.very.onica:** ok betty really fucked up and breaking up over text was not alright

 **how.very.onica:** but she’s my friend so i’m not gonna pretend i’m cool with you straight up calling her a bitch

 **red:** okay you’re right

 **red:** she still can’t sit with us though

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:21pm_

 **red:** okay heather my ride is here so i’m pretending to be calm but i want you to know that i’ll ruin that piece of shit, veronica’s friend or no

 **yellow:** Don’t ruin her

 **red:** why not

 **yellow:** Basic morals??? Plus veronica will hate you if you do, and I’ll hate myself for letting you

 **red:** alright fine, let’s hold off plotting betty’s demise until heather gets out of detention

 **yellow:** No, no demise, heather

 **red:** she hurt you?? i’m not about to let that slide?????

 **yellow:** I’m not saying we should, I want some petty revenge, I just don't want to do anything that could seriously hurt her

 **red:** wait did you think i was actually going to kill her??

 **yellow:** You said you were going to?? What else was I supposed to think heather

 **red:** it’s a figure of speech, i just want to pull a dumb prank on her to make her feel bad that she ever hurt you

 **yellow:** Okay, glad we’re on the same page

 **red:** do you want ice cream or thin mints or something, i can have red dawn drop me off at your place and i can go get some from that convenience store

 **yellow:** Please

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _4:04pm_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** hey jd you’re coming back to school tomorrow right

 **7.11.J.D:** Yes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if i paid you would you be my bodyguard tomorrow

 **7.11.J.D:** It Depends on What the Job Entails

 **hucklebettyfinn:** skipping your classes and following me around all day to make sure the heathers don't jump me

 **7.11.J.D:** Why What did you Do

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, what happened??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i broke up with heather mcnamara so they’re probably out for my blood

 **how.very.onica:** you did it over text, even i think they're kind of justified

 **7.11.J.D:** What the Fuck Betty

 **hucklebettyfinn:** look if i did it in person heather would’ve cried and that's basically a homing signal for the other two to find her and pounce on me

 **martha-dunnstock:** Did you at least tell her why you broke up with her????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i said i needed space

 **how.very.onica:** ohhh my GOD BETTY WTF

 **7.11.J.D:** Betty that is So Bad

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i knoww but if i told her the truth it would've made her feel worse

 **hucklebettyfinn:** the real problem is that i just wasn't invested and that would make her feel like she doesn't deserve love or something

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty Louise Finn, you apologize to Heather McNamara right now, or so help me God!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** N OO i gotta save face you feel me???? like i can apologize in a few days but if i do it right now the heathers will think i’m just trying to keep them from murdering me instead of actually feeling sorry

 **martha-dunnstock:** /Do/ you feel sorry?

 **hucklebettyfinn:** …

 **7.11.J.D:** Whatever I’ll Be your Bodyguard tomorrow Betty

 **7.11.J.D:** Veronica if I Get Detention For Skipping you should Get a Ride with The Heathers

 **how.very.onica:** ok i can try to play damage control for betty too, you fucked up really bad but you're still my friend

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i feel so loved

 **martha-dunnstock:** Speaking of love, how is Pufflesnoot??

 **how.very.onica:** he’s chilling in the sidecar with heather, it’s hella cute actually omg

 **how.very.onica:** [heathersnoot.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, doesn't she know that Ms. Fleming’s dog is missing? What if she puts two and two together D:

 **how.very.onica:** nah it’s cool, she disowned kurt and ram

 **how.very.onica:** so like even if she figures it out i doubt she would tell ram about it

_**Today** 5:52pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Hey, we all have Mr. Stinson for pre-calculus, right??

 **how.very.onica:** yeah

 **martha-dunnstock:** What’s the answer to number 17 on the homework?

 **how.very.onica:** i got 101 but i’m not sure if you’re supposed to round up from 100.6 or not

 **martha-dunnstock:** Thanks!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Also, J.D., you can bring over Pufflesnoot early tonight! My parents are eating out for dinner, so if you can be here before 7, you won’t have to break in

 **7.11.J.D:** Sounds Good

 **7.11.J.D:** Don’t take Pufflesnoot Out for a Walk After 6 Tomorrow Morning Though

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why not??

 **7.11.J.D:** Ram is on some Weird Fitness Regimen so he Jogs Around Town at 6

 **martha-dunnstock:** Aw, okay :( I can wake up a little early each day to take him out for a walk, but it’ll be dark out

 **how.very.onica:** as long as you don't trip or get kidnapped it should be fine lmfao

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh jd do i have to pay you to be my bodyguard or can you do it for free

 **7.11.J.D:** I can Do It for Free

 **hucklebettyfinn:** alright good because my work hours are so shitty that i couldn’t pay you decently for like a week

 **hucklebettyfinn:** did we have french homework veronica

 **how.very.onica:** i think my class is behind yours so idk

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well shit

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v**  
****

_**Today** 6:20pm_

**green:** my parents just dragged me for like two hours straight for getting detention im lucky to be alive

 **red:** rt

 **yellow:** Heather, please read your messages

 **green:** ok

_**Today** 6:24pm_

**green:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **how.very.onica:** don’t kill her, i know she fucked up but i can get her to apologize

 **red:** yeah veronica is right

 **green:** wtf no

 **how.very.onica:** like idk if she feels bad about it but like she’ll come to her senses soon????

 **red:** wait what the FUCK SHE BROKE UP WITH ACTUAL GOLDEN RETREIVER HEATHE R MCNAMARA AND SHE DOENST EVEN FEEL FUCKIGN BAD ABOUT IT??? WHAT KIND OF SOULLESS M ONSTER?????????

 **green:** veronica idk how to tell u this but ur friend is. literally the devil incarnate

 **green:** like she broke up with heather mcnamara. HEATHER MCNAMARA

 **green:** SHE IS A TINY GENTLE DAFFODIL???? AND BETTY JUST STEPPED ON HER LIKE TRASH

 **green:** ERGO BETTY IS TRASH AND SHES DEAD TO ME

 **yellow:** Stop insulting betty, I’m mad at her and I’m upset but it was probably my fault to begin with

 **green:** WTF N O HEATHER URE A BEAUTIFUL GEM

 **how.very.onica:** i know betty fucked up and she's totally in the wrong, but i can get her to realize she’s being an asshole ok

 **how.very.onica:** trust me

 **red:** yeah, listen to veronica and heather m, heather

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:29pm_

 **red:** i lied don't listen to veronica betty is going DOWN

 **green:** ure so twofaced im crying

 **yellow:** Well I mean she /is/ a gemini

 **green:** DNWKNDHSKS ROASTED

 **red:** it’s not roasting if i agree [eyes emoji]

 **red:** anyway

 **yellow:** Please don’t do anything serious to betty, just put phlegm in her drink or something

 **green:** y

 **red:** what about prank calls

 **green:** ok prank calls i can get on board with if we make it rly crazy

 **yellow:** Idk, it depends on what you mean by crazy

 **green:** like calling her at work and asking to throw a birthday party for like a million kids with no notice

 **green:** so she has to run around like an idiot setting everything up only for no kids to arrive

 **red:** FCDHKJNGEBFHVFJDNV THAT’S THE BEST IDEA YOU’VE EVER HAD WTF

 **yellow:** SHE WORKS AT A MATTRESS STORE????

 **green:** E V E N B E T T E R

 **yellow:** IDK IF THEY WOULD EVEN TAKE A CALL LIKE THAT SERIOUSLY??

 **red:** D O IT

 **yellow:** NO NO SHE ISN'T WORKING TODAY

 **green:** WTF WHEN IS SHE WORKING NEXT

 **yellow:** TOMORROW FROM 5 TO 9 I THINK ONLY LIKE ONE OTHER PERSON WILL BE WORKING WITH HER

 **red:** I’M LIVIGN

 **red:** WE SHOULD COME TO MY HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW SO THEN WE CAN ALL BE THERE

 **green:** we should strap a camera onto kurt or ram and send them to the store to see if she actually sets shit up

 **green:** wait no both omfg then we can get multiple camera angles eudjsbdjdjn

 **yellow:** After you called kurt “white devil trailer trash” in class today???

 **red:** wave a can of beer under either of their noses and they’ll do pretty much whatever you want, i don’t think they care

 **green:** were making this fucking happen

 **yellow:** Okay, I’ll text the both of them, how much beer do you have heather

 **red:** [somuchbeer.jpg]

 **yellow:** Oh my god, that’s enough to fuel five kurts and rams for like a month

 **green:** i love life

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:36pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Do You Ever just Think About Fate

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jd it’s only 9pm

 **7.11.J.D:** Good Point Tbh

_**Today** 12:02am_

**7.11.J.D:** So how about Fate

 **how.very.onica:** go to sleep

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s only Midnight

 **how.very.onica:** yeah on a school night go to bed

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh my sweet summer child

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i don’t go to bed until 1am at the earliest

 **7.11.J.D:** I just Pass Out Randomly

 **how.very.onica:** ok fine if you’re gonna stay up please do it in a different chat, some of us are trying to sleep

 **hucklebettyfinn:** welp you heard the cranky old woman jd it’s time to be cool in a different chat

 **7.11.J.D:** I think I’m the Oldest Actually

_**Today** 5:41am_

**martha-dunnstock:** SOS SOS

 **7.11.J.D:** What Happened

 **martha-dunnstock:** I think I twsited my ankle I tripped on a 7/11 cup

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK SHIT WHERE AR EYOU

 **martha-dunnstock:** corne r of lehmann and waters

 **7.11.J.D:** STAY FUCKIGN CALM I’LL BE R IGHT T HERE

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m c alm it just hurts reallly bad

 **7.11.J.D:** ST AY FUCKI G N CA L M

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m calm??? Plea se don't crash your motrobike????

_**Today** 6:27am_

**hucklebettyfinn:** WTF MARTHA ARE YOU OKAY

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yup! J.D. took me to the hospital, I’m back at home now. I don’t think I’ll make it to school today, though :(

 **how.very.onica:** oh shit that's too bad!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s actually kind of nice!! Now I have time to work on those t-shirts

 **7.11.J.D:** [[ElmoRise.gif](https://m.popkey.co/c9abd8/De10r.gif)]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jd are you still gonna be my backup today

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK W HO’S G OING TO W ATCH P UFFLESNOOT

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m staying home today so I can!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Thank God

 **hucklebettyfinn:** praise martha

 **how.very.onica:** all hail

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:16am_

 **red:** you know, betty is in our gym class, we could just jump her and save our resources

 **green:** u just dont wanna give kurt and ram ur beer

 **red:** …

 **yellow:** We aren't jumping my ex-girlfriend

 **green:** yea the prank call will be more satisfying come on

 **yellow:** Besides, she probably got someone to make sure we don't go after her, even if I wanted to it wouldn't be worth it

 **red:** ;//////////

 **yellow:** /Besides,/ veronica would hate you

 **red:** literally did not even ask

 **yellow:** You know I’m right though

 **red:** … yeah fine

_**Today** 8:33am_

**green:** shes been staring at us for twenty minutes can i tell her this isnt a museum

 **yellow:** Yeah

 **green:** wait what the hell

 **yellow:** ???

 **red:** trenchcoat just stormed in here like it’s the fucking bastille instead of study hall

 **green:** ok ok he sat down by betty and hes glaring at us

 **yellow:** Did she seriously get him to be her bodyguard??????????

 **yellow:** What the fuck

 **yellow:** She can't seriously think we would hurt her, right

 **green:** it could be some dumb intimidation tactic idfk

 **red:** as if we’d be scared by some lone wolf beta douche smh

_**Today** 9:02am_

**red:** okay i have english with her next, if i pull her into the girls’ bathroom away from jd i could freak her out

 **yellow:** NO

 **green:** seriously heather im not bailing u out on assault charges

 **green:** be cool the prank call will be worth it

 **red:** f i n e

_**Today** 11:32am_

**red:** did veronica seriously just say that

 **green:** wait what i missed it

 **yellow:** She just said she’s not picking sides, that's fair heather

 **red:** i guess

 **red:** FUCKKFK

 **green:** mmm watcha sayyy

 **red:** I CANT BELIEVE SHE JUST WENT TO SIT WITH BETTY

 **red:** HWO DO WE GET HER TO COME BACK….

 **yellow:** Step 1: stop being petty about them staying friends

 **green:** ok u know theres no way in hell well ever make it past that step

 **yellow:** Should I just go and talk to them

 **green:** N OOO I WANNA PRANK CALL BETTY PLS DONT BE REASONABLE

 **yellow:** Can I talk to her after the prank call

 **green:** eya at that point idgaf do whatever

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:23pm_

 **martha-dunnstock:** The shirts are done!

 **martha-dunnstock:** [shirts1.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** [shirts2.jpg]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** OMG YOU MADE ONE FOR PUFFLESNOOT

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re a Saint Martha

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yep! Pufflesnoot didn't want to sit still when I got his measurements, though, so if it looks a little wonky, that would be why

 **martha-dunnstock:** :)

 **martha-dunnstock:** Thank you!!

 **how.very.onica:** i’m never taking mine off wtf

 **how.very.onica:** you even added little patches for our friend memes???

 **how.very.onica:** i’m gonna cry this is beautiful

 **martha-dunnstock:** If you can get to my house after school, you can pick them up then

 **how.very.onica:** sounds great omg

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i have work at 5 so if we want to hang out after that i can’t stay long

 **hucklebettyfinn:** plus homework ugh

 **how.very.onica:** yeah i have a heaping pile of shit to do for chem

 **7.11.J.D:** Don’t we All Though

 **hucklebettyfinn:** don't remind me

_**Today** 1:34pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** okay it’s a small miracle that jd hasn't gotten yelled at once the entire day for following me around

 **martha-dunnstock:** Maybe the teachers just don’t notice him??

 **how.very.onica:** he wears a trenchcoat inside, i think they’d make a point of noticing him

 **how.very.onica:** shit, no offense tho jd

 **7.11.J.D:** None Taken it’s Weird to wear a Trenchcoat Indoors I Know

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why do you wear that thing all the time anyway?

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Comfortable

 **7.11.J.D:** Betty can Confirm This

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah it’s weird it’s heavy enough to keep you warm when it’s cold but it’s light enough not to set you on fire when it’s hot

 **martha-dunnstock:** :o That’s interesting!! I wonder what it's made of

 **7.11.J.D:**  Angst

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:49pm_

 **green:** where the fuck are u guys

 **yellow:** Sorry, I had to run copies for mr vallín, I’ll meet you at the jeep in a few minutes

 **green:** what about other heather

 **red:** i’m in the backseat?????

 **green:** when the fuck did u get there

 **red:** like ten minutes ago???

 **green:** ok in my defense i was listening to gaga

 **yellow:** Lol gay

 **green:** ikr isnt it great

 **green:** we texted kurt and ram about the call right

 **yellow:** Yeah

 **yellow:** I did it yesterday after heather sent the beer picture

 **green:** ok cool hurry ur ass up so we can go to heathers and make the call

 **red:** doesn't she start work at five

 **green:** shit ure right

 **yellow:** Yeah, we can find something to do while we wait though

 **yellow:** I vote for glee

 **red:** … anyway

 **green:** heather is a bad gay

 **red:** i’m not gay and glee is garbage

 **green:** nice alliteration

 **yellow:** Go home, ms fleming

 **yellow:** We all know glee has its issues but it’s our trash

 **yellow:** If nothing else, watch it to make it up to me for making revenge on my ex about you????

 **red:** okay i can't even argue with that

 **red:** wait won’t she recognize our number or voices

 **green:** we can use a blocked number i doubt theyd try to track us

 **yellow:** We could always just use an accent or something to hide our voices, too

 **red:** can i be the one to talk

 **yellow:** Sure, knock yourself out

 **green:** as long as i get to script it

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Blocked Number → Estevez Mattress Emporium  
**

_5:18pm_

**EME:** Hello and welcome to the Estevez Mattress Emporium, this is Dennis, how can I help you?

 **BN:** … Hey, can I speak to Betty?

 **EME:** Yep, one moment please.

 **BN:** … Hello? … Dennis...?

 **EME:** Hi, this is Betty?

 **BN:** Great. I was wondering if you host birthday parties?

 **EME:** … Is this some sort of prank?

 **BN:** No, I’m-- I’m serious. My son Jimmy-- he’s a great kid, you know-- and we, we recently bought a mattress from your store, and he hasn't stopped jumping on it since. So I was wondering if you could potentially host a birthday party for him there.

 **EME:** I…

 **BN:** [incomprehensible mumbling] I’m sorry, if it isn’t any trouble, could you put a manager on the line? I feel like-- like this might be something the manager should handle, my bad.

 **EME:** No, I’m a manager, I’m just… not certain what to tell you, miss.

 **BN:** Sorry, this was… I never should have called. This was a mistake--

 **EME:** No, no, it’s, uh. We could try to host a birthday party, I guess? It depends on how many kids will be there and when you’re scheduling it. And, like, this is a mattress store, so we don't really cater, so I think you’d have to hire a separate caterer.

 **BN:** Oh, we don't have to worry about catering, we can just give them water from your break room… So that’s a yes to the party?

 **EME:** … The break room?

 **BN:** Yeah, so that’s a yes to the party?

 **EME:** I mean, I guess, how many kids will be there?

 **BN:** About, uh… Excuse me, I need to double-check, um…

 **EME:** I’ll wait.

 **BN:** … Ninety-eight.

 **EME:** Excuse me?

 **BN:** There should be ninety-eight kids.

 **EME:** That’s… alright, I’m going to ask one last time, is this a prank call?

 **BN:** No, I’m sorry, Timmy’s just a popular kid, you know how it goes. He goes to a big school, everyone wants to talk to him…

 **EME:** … Yeah. So that’ll be ninety-eight kids?

 **BN:** Yeah, that’s right.

 **EME:** OK. [sigh] When do you plan to hold it, again?

 **BN:** Oh, uh, would-- would today be possible? In about an hour?

 **EME:** … Um… I think I could do two hours, probably. But uh, not one.

 **BN:** It’s fine, I think two hours should be OK. I can just update the other parents on Facebook?

 **EME:** Great.

 **BN:** Are you alright, Betty? You sound a bit tense.

 **EME:** Just-- just peachy, miss. I don't think I caught your name?

 **BN:** Oh! Silly me, my name is-- Walker, Kim Walker.

 **EME:** Alright, Miss Walker, your party will be ready in two hours.

 **BN:** Thank you so much.

 **EME:** Thank you for your service, we hope to hear from you again soon at the Estevez Mattress Emporium.

**Call Ended**

_5:23pm_

\--  
****

**Gay Club  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:25pm_

_kurtkellyclarkson has added ramsweeneytodd, red, green, and yellow to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 5:25pm_

**kurtkellyclarkson:** Hey guys me n ram r outside the mattres place

 **yellow:** Good, we just got off the call with her

 **red:** set up your cameras and mics and go in

 **red:** also i’m not gay

 **ramsweeneytodd:** i have the most acurate gaydar in the hole school dont play dumb

 **green:** ixnay on the aygay

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** What dose that mean r u trying to diss my bf

 **yellow:** No kurt, she’s telling you both to shut it about the gay thing

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ohhhhhhh, closet case. gotcha

 **red:** I’M NOT IN THE CLOSET THERE IS NO CLOSET IN TEH EQUATION I’M FCUKING STRAIGHT

 **green:** a n y w a y

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Rite so betty is running around like a idiot with that dennis kid from the school paper

 **yellow:** Wait, we have a school newspaper???

 **red:** fuck, dennis is another one of veronica’s friends

 **green:** he is??? ive sure as hell never seen them talking

 **red:** well they were friends in middle school

 **yellow:** You were friends with beatrice in middle school

 **red:** good point, never mind

 **ramsweeneytodd:** their hauling all the mattresses to the back of the store

 **yellow:** Turn on your cameras

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Fuck of we already did

 **red:** yeah but we said to go inside, numbnuts

 **ramsweeneytodd:** we tried the doors r locked

 **green:** im crying this is great

 **yellow:** I just can't believe she didn't recognize heather’s voice??? You were so obvious

 **red:** i was using an accent like you suggested so how about you fuck off sweetpea :)

 **yellow:** “Suburban mom” isn’t an accent?????

 **green:** to be fair it could probably be considered a dialect

 **ramsweeneytodd:** “susan hold my handbag im about to smack a bitch”

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** “I NOW THEIR WERE POT BROWNIES AT THAT BAKESALE U TWO DOLLAR HORE”

 **green:** hey only were allowed to fuck around ure on watch

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** We don't have to take this u now we could just leave

 **yellow:** Think of the beer

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ok u got us their, well stay

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Speaking of beer betty sat down i think she's drinking

 **yellow:** I’d get drunk too if I thought 98 kids were gonna invade my workplace

 **green:** im still screaming about that i mouthed “19 maybe” and heather thought i said 98

 **red:** LIPREADING IS HARD

 **ramsweeneytodd:** i think shes texting now

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:33pm_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** kill me someone just called and asked us to host a birthday party

 **how.very.onica:** at a mattress store?????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** for 98 KIDS

 **how.very.onica:** JFSKHFNSJFUHF WHAT THE FUCKJ WHO EVENN DOE S THAT

 **7.11.J.D:** It Had to Be a Prank Call

 **hucklebettyfinn:** SHE KEPT TALKING ABOUT HER KID IN ANNOYING DETAIL IT’S REAL

 **martha-dunnstock:** When is it??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** IN 2 HOURS I HAD TO TALK HER DOWN FROM ONE

 **martha-dunnstock:** OH MY GOD

 **7.11.J.D:** S OMEBODY F REE B ETTY

_how.very.onica has named the conversation “Free Betty”.  
****_

_**Today** 5:35pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Is that a reference to Free Willy??

 **how.very.onica:** IT IS NOW

 **martha-dunnstock:** Isn’t that indirectly calling Betty a whale though???????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** IDC EITHER WAY I NEED TO BE FREED

 **7.11.J.D:** Wait How Long does it Take to Set Up a Mattress Store for a Party

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ngl like ten minutes we just had to move the mattresses to make room but I NEED TIME TO DRINK AND EMOTIONALLY PREPARE

 **how.very.onica:** what about refreshments?? or like goodie bags for the kids or whatever

 **hucklebettyfinn:** she just wants us to give kids access to the break room to get water

 **martha-dunnstock:** That sounds like the worst birthday party ever, what was this lady even thinking??

 **7.11.J.D:** Well Probably not the Worst Ever but I Get what you Mean

 **hucklebettyfinn:** dennis is having a crisis in the corner poor dude

 **how.very.onica:** wait i think i knew a dennis in middle school

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yup, he’s on the school paper now

 **7.11.J.D:** Wait We Have a school Paper

 **how.very.onica:** same jd

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FUCKING DENNIS WANTS TO BUST ME FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING FUCK YOU BUDDY YOU'RE GETTING THE WORST PRESENT FOR STAFF SECRET SANTA THIS YEAR

 **martha-dunnstock:** Tag yourself, I’m Dennis

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Betty

 **how.very.onica:** i’m the alcohol

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m dead inside because like

 **hucklebettyfinn:** there's a reason i work at a mattress store instead of babysitting

 **hucklebettyfinn:** and that reason is that i hate kids

 **how.very.onica:** kids are cool after the age of like five but after they turn 11 they're assholes

 **martha-dunnstock:** Do you know how old the kids are??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** no but there's 98 of them

 **7.11.J.D:** Kids are Alright They're just Loud Small People

 **how.very.onica:** yeah but do you wanna herd 98 kids around a small building to keep them from breaking anything

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m a babysitter and even I wouldn't want to deal with that :(

 **how.very.onica:** for just $1 a day you can save betty from chasing 98 kids around a mattress store

 **martha-dunnstock:** In the aaaarms of the aaaaaangel

 **7.11.J.D:** What the Fuck I want Money Too

 **how.very.onica:** for an additional buck a day you can save jd from whatever he needs saving from

 **martha-dunnstock:** Brain freeze from all the slushies, maybe?? Lol

 **7.11.J.D:** No It’s to Help me Fund my Slushie Habit

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you say that like it’s cocaine

 **7.11.J.D:** Who needs Cocaine

 **7.11.J.D:** Just Freeze your Brain

 **how.very.onica:** jd’s new hot mixtape “straight outta 7/11” now available on itunes

_martha-dunnstock has named the conversation “Straight Outta 7/11”.  
****_

_**Today** 5:51pm_

**7.11.J.D:** Straight Outta about 20 Different Cities me and My Dad Move a Lot

 **7.11.J.D:** … I Never Said That Ignore Me

_**Today** 6:57pm_

**7.11.J.D:** Betty are you Ready for Death

 **hucklebettyfinn:** waht do yuo me an

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s three minutes until Kidpocalypse, are you ready

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FCUK

 **how.very.onica:** same

 **martha-dunnstock:** How is Dennis faring???

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk let me chekc

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FICKIGN DENNIS DTICHED ME HE DIDN T EVEN CALL ANYOBE IN

 **7.11.J.D:** He’s getting Dog Shit for Secret Santa

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ew, but then Betty would have to transport it

 **how.very.onica:** just get him a slip of paper that says “fuck you” and sign it from one of your other coworkers

_**Today** 7:10pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** noboyd is here yet execpt kurt nd ram but they've been outsidie snice like??? 5?????? Idkk

 **how.very.onica:** sometimes god intervenes

_**Today** 7:30pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:**  taht was defiintely a parnk call i feel dumb nwo

 **7.11.J.D:** Trace the Call

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it's as bolcked numbr fkuck

 **martha-dunnstock:** I think you could still trace it?? I’m not sure how but I know it's possible

 **how.very.onica:** oh my god it was the heathers. it had to be

 **how.very.onica:** brb dragging them

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:33pm_

 **how.very.onica:** I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND IT WASN'T COOL

 **red:** i don't know what you’re talking about at all veronica

 **how.very.onica:** DON’T PLAY DUMB I KNOW YOU PRANK CALLED BETTY AT WORK

 **green:** ok but it was funny and nobody got hurt

 **yellow:** Yeah, we had kurt and ram there keeping watch, so if anything went wrong then they could help

 **how.very.onica:** ok it was kind of funny and betty even seemed amused but STILL

 **red:** if nobody got hurt and even betty thinks it's funny then what's the problem

 **how.very.onica:** it’s the principle of the thing????

 **red:** i don't get what you mean, nothing bad happened

 **how.very.onica:** of course you wouldn't get it, you don't have any principles

 **green:** DNKSBDKSND SHIT BOY THIS TEA IS SCALDING

 **red:** HEATHER YOU’RE DESD OT ME

 **yellow:** I’m staying out of this because I got what I wanted, and I’m making nice with betty now, but heather d, knock it off

 **green:** bye felicia [peace sign hand emoji]

_green has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 7:36pm_

**how.very.onica:** ANYWAY, carrot top, the principle of the thing is YOU SHOULDN'T FUCK WITH MY FRIENDS

 **red:** DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUSTBCALL ME CARORIT TOP WTBAT THE FUCK

 **how.very.onica:** IS THAT HONESTLY WHAT YOU'RE FOCUSING ON????? ARE YOU REALLY THAT SHALLOW?????

 **yellow:** Okay, I know I said I was going to stay out of this, BUT… yeah, like a kiddie pool

 **red:** DWILFNEJNFNSJFJDHKDNFHKEJFUEKSHFK

 **red:** WHAT DO YUO EVEN W ANT FROM ME

 **how.very.onica:** IDK???? AN APOLOGY????

 **red:** I'LL APOLOGIZE TO YOU BUT NOT TO THAT SKANK

 **yellow:** BETTY ISN'T A SKANK, SHE JUST FUCKED UP!!!!! AND WE’RE TALKING IT OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! SO BOTH OF YOU KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT THE FUCK NOW

 **red:** BUT HEATHER

 **how.very.onica:** COME ON I’M NOT ABOUT TO LET THIS GO

 **yellow:** WE DON'T NEED YOU TWO WHITE KNIGHTING FOR US?????????? I’M GLAD YOU CARE ABOUT US THIS MUCH, BUT IT REALLY ISN'T THAT BIG OF A DEAL!!!!!!! SO CHILL THE FUCK OUT SO I CAN GO BACK TO LIVING MY CUTE AND DRAMA-FREE LIFE

 **yellow:** BOTH OF YOU APOLOGIZE TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO MEAN IT, JUST DO IT SO WE CAN MOVE ON

 **red:** sorry

 **how.very.onica:** i’m still pissed but sorry for saying you have no principles

 **red:** and calling me carrot top

 **how.very.onica:** and calling you carrot top

_yellow has added green to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 7:39pm_

**green:** ok whatd i miss i want screenshots and i want them now

 **yellow:** Veronica called heather “carrot top”

 **red:** and then heather dragged us

 **green:** S C R E E N S H O T S

 **how.very.onica:** [screenshot.jpg]

 **green:** im proud of all of u for being so ruthless :’-)

 **how.very.onica:** sorry my mom said i gotta go home right now immediately

 **yellow:** Shameful

 **green:** whatd i do

 **red:** you put a nose on your emoticon

 **green:** i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now

 **yellow:** NO OLD MEMES!!!!!!

 **green:** [[trollface.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/xn4cYl4.jpg)]

_red has removed green from the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 7:44pm_

**how.very.onica:** such savage wow very meme

 **red:** i feel more betrayed by this than the carrot top thing

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:46pm_

 **red:** _how.very.onica: such savage wow very meme_

 **red:** i can't believe this is the girl i’m crushing on

 **yellow:** !!!!

 **red:** WAiti FUCKCKK I NEVE R SAID THAT I WA S PSOSESED

 **red:** FshldnsjkddhskjdHFKSJHFKSJDHDHJDN

 **red:** NEVER TELL ANYONE WHAT YOU JUST READ NO SCREENSHOTS N OTHING

 **green:** yea ok were proud of u u tiny gay

 **red:** IM N O T G AY

 **yellow:** Baby steps, heather, baby steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter has been in the planning stage for like a week already but i'm looking forward to writing it, expect it within the week or two


	7. everything goes to shit™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jd has an all-around shitty day. veronica & co help out where they can, with some help from Side Characters™

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, sorry this chapter took so long! i had to deal with finals, but it's summer now, so i'll have a lot more free time. to make up for how long this took, i've made a [playlist on 8tracks](http://8tracks.com/heathercubedfic/chameleon-boy) for jd
> 
> that isn't the only reason it took me so long, though; this is still primarily a humor fic, but i've introduced some more serious stuff, so a lot of time was spent trying to find a balance between the two. if i wrote anything insensitively or if the pacing/mood is weird, let me know and i'll do my best to fix it
> 
> tw for parental abuse (implied throughout the chapter, but brought in explicitly for one character near the end). this will also be referenced in future chapters, but i'll provide warnings for whenever it comes up
> 
> edit (1/23/17) - 8tracks has succumbed to the evils of capitalism but you can listen to playlists with even more cool songs on the [Official H^3 Spotify™](https://open.spotify.com/user/heathercubedfic)

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:31am_

 **7.11.J.D:** Fair Warning I feel like Shit Today so if I’m More of a Dick than Usual That’s Why

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that sucks

 **how.very.onica:** you're not a dick jd

 **martha-dunnstock:** Aw, that's too bad :( Why don't you stay home??

 **7.11.J.D:** Is that a Joke @Both Of You

 **martha-dunnstock:** No??? If you’re not feeling well, you should stay home

 **7.11.J.D:** Not Happening

 **martha-dunnstock:** If you’re worried about missing anything, I could pick up your homework from your teachers at some point!

 **7.11.J.D:** No I’m Going to School

 **how.very.onica:** seriously dude it's chill if you need a day off

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m down for skipping school

 **7.11.J.D:** My Dad isn't very Understanding

 **how.very.onica:** ok i feel that rt

 **7.11.J.D:** Plus skipping School after being Suspended is Just About the Worst Idea I’ve Ever Heard come On

 **martha-dunnstock:** That’s fair, I guess… Just don't work yourself too hard, alright?

 **7.11.J.D:** Sure Whatever

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:37am_

 **how.very.onica:** ok i know you guys don't like jd but i’m worried about him

 **red:** yeah same i’m worried about him BRINGING ANOTHER GUN TO SCHOOL BUT WITH ACTUAL BULLETS THIS TIME

 **how.very.onica:** heather come on

 **red:** DON'T YOU D A RE SAY I'M OVERRAECTING

 **how.very.onica:** i wasn't going to?? that was fucked up of him but he’s still my friend and i’m still worried about him

 **green:** whats the deal

 **how.very.onica:** [screenshot.jpg]

 **yellow:** I don’t understand?? There isn't really much to be worried about, he's just having a bad day, he’ll get over it

 **how.very.onica:** maybe but like

 **red:** he’s fine

 **how.very.onica:** he’s really not, he’s always tearing himself down like this and it's really worrying me

 **yellow:** I make self-deprecating comments all the time, it’s not that big of a deal

 **green:** ok no im with veronica on this

 **green:** i dont trust that “sure whatever” thats shady as hell

 **how.very.onica:** THANK you, do you know anyone that has multiple classes with him that could keep an eye on him for me

 **yellow:** Well, if you're really that worried, I have history with him

 **how.very.onica:** ?!?!?! WTF GIVE ME THE DEETS

 **yellow:** Nooo, I mean I have history /class/ with him

 **green:** damn

 **red:** i’m telling you, mr. rebel without a cause is fine

 **green:** did u google james dean movies to make that ref

 **red:** [[gtgchicken.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/700728727919919106/zIGmXCk6.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** this isn't funny, i’m seriously worried

 **red:** fine fine we’ll get eyes on him

 **red:** i know that martha dumptruck has english and gym with him, and heather m has history (class) with him

 **how.very.onica:** **dunnstock

 **green:** so well just need like 5 more people at most

 **yellow:** I’m on it

 **yellow:** Being a cheerleader gives me an in with everybody, so

 **how.very.onica:** thanks so much, you guys

 **yellow:** I can put everyone in a group chat so you can get all their findings in one place

 **how.very.onica:** no creepy levels of surveillance tho, i just wanna make sure he doesn't do anything

 **green:** like what

 **red:** like blowing us all up

 **how.very.onica:** oh shut up

 **red:** his dad is big bud dean construction???? he’d have the means to get supplies

 **green:** ok normally id say go all in and roast his ass but just this once heather lay off

 **yellow:** Yeah that was too far, don't joke about that

 **red:** i wasn’t joking??????

 **red:** sorry?????????

 **how.very.onica:** the question marks aren't very convincing

 **red:** okay fine, i still don't trust that trenchcoat-wearing fuckboy but i’m sorry for being an ass when you're worried about him

 **how.very.onica:** apology accepted

\--

**Jd Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:45am_

_yellow has added how.very.onica, norunninginmylobby, martha-dunnstock, and ramsweeneytodd to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 7:46am_

**norunninginmylobby:** Who are you people?

_yellow has changed restrictions on how.very.onica, norunninginmylobby, martha-dunnstock, and ramsweeneytodd.  
****_

_**Today** 7:46am_

**how.very.onica:** WHY IS RAM HERE COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMEBODY ELSE

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ;) u know u love me

 **martha-dunnstock:** What’s going on??

 **yellow:** I’ve gathered you all here today to keep an eye on jd

 **norunninginmylobby:** Who?

 **yellow:** Jason dean

 **norunninginmylobby:** Trenchcoat boy?

 **how.very.onica:** yeah

_yellow has named the conversation “Trenchcoat Watch”.  
****_

_**Today** 7:48am_

**martha-dunnstock:** I don’t know, I don’t feel right about this…

 **how.very.onica:** martha no don’t leave me

 **yellow:** I could always bring in kurt in her place, he’s in their gym class too

 **how.very.onica:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** :/ I guess I’ll stay, but can I tell J.D. about this afterwards??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** r u kidding dumptruck do u want him to shoot u

 **yellow:** Deep breaths, veronica, count to ten

 **norunninginmylobby:** WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

 **how.very.onica:** veronica from middle school, martha dunnstock, and ram sweeney the linebacker

 **norunninginmylobby:** Why can’t I leave this chat?

 **yellow:** Sorry dennis, I put restrictions on everyone so you can’t ditch this chat, I’ll take it off once the school day’s over

 **martha-dunnstock:** So I’m trapped either way????? :(

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ugh shoot me

 **how.very.onica:** tempting

 **ramsweeneytodd:** kinky

 **norunninginmylobby:** LET ME OUT OF HERE!

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:34am_

 **red:** so how’s fuckboy watch going

 **how.very.onica:** stop calling him a fuckboy, you don't have to pretend to like him but if you're gonna insult him at least get the classification right

 **green:** yea hes a lone wolf doucher the fuckboy aesthetic is totally different

 **yellow:** What’s the fuckboy aesthetic

 **green:** idk sweaty football jerseys

 **green:** socks with sandals

 **red:** socks with sandals are more “my family owns a country club on a yacht” aesthetic

 **how.very.onica:** ok you can't make that joke you live in a mansion

 **red:** it’s a big house

 **yellow:** We’ve been over this already

 **green:** ok fine peak fuckboy aesthetic is weed and beer artfully arranged in the shape of a dick

 **green:** anyway hows lone wolf doucher watch going

 **how.very.onica:** nothing yet, dennis has his first hour but he's probably still pissed from earlier

 **red:** what happened

 **yellow:** I have everyone on quarantine so they can't leave the chat till the end of the day

 **red:** offer him an interview for his paper

 **green:** lol with who

 **red:** don't know don't care, offer an interview with me if that'll make him talk

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:40am_

 **yellow:** Dennis, I’m sorry you're trapped in here, I can get you an interview with heather chandler as a favor

 **norunninginmylobby:** Why would I want an interview with her? If you were actually sorry for trapping me here, you would let me out.

 **how.very.onica:** would a donation be better

 **norunninginmylobby:** I’d take the donation, but it would have to be a hefty one. We blew the last of our budget for the month on pizza last week.

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why did you spend so much money on pizza??

 **norunninginmylobby:** We had to bribe some of the freshmen into investigating some things around the school for us. They may be tiny, but you wouldn't believe how much they eat.

 **norunninginmylobby:** How big of a donation are we talking about?

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:43am_

 **how.very.onica:** he’s asking for money

 **red:** WTF

 **yellow:** Veronica offered a donation, dennis didn't ask for shit

 **red:** W T F

 **how.very.onica:** HEATHER YOU NARC

 **green:** fight the power

 **yellow:** :3c

 **red:** fine how much does the little pissant want

 **yellow:** He’s asking us how much you'd want to give, it would have to be a lot though

 **red:** how’s $60 cash

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:45am_

 **how.very.onica:** how about $60 cash

 **norunninginmylobby:** That should be fine.

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don't trust how quiet Ram is…

 **ramsweeneytodd:** excuse u dumptruck some of us r trying not too fail history

 **how.very.onica:** stop calling her that

 **norunninginmylobby:** I’m staying out of this.

 **ramsweeneytodd:** lol y r u defending a truck with such a wide lode

 **ramsweeneytodd:** u were cool in freshmen year y did u turn into such a bitch

 **how.very.onica:** it’s called maturity, doubt you would know anything about that though

 **yellow:** Hello, 911, I just witnessed a murder

 **ramsweeneytodd:** im still breatheing dyke

 **martha-dunnstock:** Dial back on the slurs a bit, Ram

 **ramsweeneytodd:** fuck u dumptruck and all of ur dumb friends

 **martha-dunnstock:** My friends aren't dumb! They're just gay

 **yellow:** Where’s life alert when you need them

 **norunninginmylobby:** I sincerely hate all of you, but I love money.

 **yellow:** Rt

 **how.very.onica:** rt

 **ramsweeneytodd:** rt

 **how.very.onica:** so what's jd doing

 **norunninginmylobby:** He’s had his headphones in since he arrived, but he’s doing a worksheet or something.

 **martha-dunnstock:** I feel mean for saying this, but I didn't expect J.D. to actually do his classwork??

 **yellow:** Well, he did get suspended for a few days, plus being betty’s bodyguard yesterday

 **ramsweeneytodd:** he shouldve been fucking expeled

 **how.very.onica:** yeah ok, you're just salty because you had to bleach the urine stains out of your pants

 **ramsweeneytodd:** dont fuck with me sawyer

 **how.very.onica:** oh, wait, you probably had your mommy do that for you!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** square up, asshole!!!

 **yellow:** Knock it off, you can kill each other later

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ;/

 **norunninginmylobby:** HE’S BLASTING SOME WEIRD SCHOOL SHOOTER MUSIC!

 **norunninginmylobby:** I’M SO TIRED OF THIS WHITE NONSENSE!

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:52am_

 **7.11.J.D:** Ugh

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what

 **7.11.J.D:** Papa Roach is On and I Have No Skips

 **7.11.J.D:** I am Not that One Kid from 2002 Pandora

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you kinda are tho lol

 **7.11.J.D:** Whatever Fuck this Emo Trash I’m going Back to Indie Music

 **martha-dunnstock:** What kind of stuff do you listen to??

 **7.11.J.D:**  Idk maybe Tigers Jaw

 **martha-dunnstock:**  Oh, I can't say I’ve heard of them, are they any good??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i googled them and they're categorized as emo so it's really not much of a change

 **how.very.onica:**  jd is an emo confirmed

 **7.11.J.D:**  Stop Dragging me like This

 **hucklebettyfinn:** does anyone remember back in middle school when i was into botdf

 **7.11.J.D:** What Does that Stand For

 **martha-dunnstock:** Breaking Out of the Deadly Fumes??

 **how.very.onica:** banana oxygen toilet death fuck

 **7.11.J.D:** Bisexual Otters That Die Frequently

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m crying

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it stands for blood on the dance floor and my scene phase was so ugly

 **martha-dunnstock:** I might still have pictures at my house??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** GDISBCGSJ BURN THEM

 **martha-dunnstock:** WAIT YIKES!!!

 **how.very.onica:** ????

 **martha-dunnstock:** PUFFLESNOOT IS ALL ALONE

 **how.very.onica:** FFFFCUK

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WE’RE BAD DOG PARENTS

 **how.very.onica:** IF ANYTHING YOU'RE HIS AUNT BUT S H I T

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:01am_

 **norunninginmylobby:** Alright, he just put his head down and made a weird high-pitched screaming noise. If class weren't ending in a few minutes, I would be afraid for my life.

 **norunninginmylobby:** Just letting you know.

 **how.very.onica:** oh suck it up buttercup, you’re getting your cash

 **norunninginmylobby:** I don't have any more classes with him, so can I leave this chat now?

_yellow has changed restrictions on norunninginmylobby.  
****_

_**Today** 9:03am_

**yellow:** Be free

_norunninginmylobby has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 9:03am_

**martha-dunnstock:** [[gottagofast.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/506/223/2ab.gif)]

 **how.very.onica:** wait so that means ram is in all of jd’s other classes except gym??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** no, were not in the same english class

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh yeah, I forgot me and J.D. both have Ms. Fleming third hour!!

 **yellow:** How do I know your schedule better than you do, we aren't even friends

 **martha-dunnstock:** Maybe we should be!!

 **yellow:** …………… /Sweetheart/

 **how.very.onica:** watch it heather [eyes emoji]

 **martha-dunnstock:** What did I ever do to you, Heather?? :(

 **yellow:** … Nothing really, I guess

 **yellow:** It’s just weird since you and heather (duke) had that falling out in sixth grade

 **martha-dunnstock:** I guess I can understand that… :(

 **ramsweeneytodd:** is this trenchcoat watch or the lonely hearts club

 **yellow:** Chill, ram, he’s just sitting in the corner with his headphones in again

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:17am_

 **red:** i feel bad i need to do something nice for veronica

 **green:** flowers

 **yellow:** What if she’s allergic?? Try chocolates

 **green:** no shell think ure calling her fat

 **red:** THOSE ARE ROMANCE CLICHÉS IM NOT G AY

 **green:** what about money

 **red:** NO SHE’LL THINK I’M TRYIGN TO BUY HER FREINDSHIP

 **green:** well damn idfk

 **green:** carry her textbooks????????

 **green:** wait fuck all her classes are super far out of the way

 **green:** ok just apologize and ask if theres anything u can do to make it up to her

 **red:** chandlers don't grovel

 **green:** apologizing isnt groveling carrot top

 **yellow:** Carrot top is only funny when veronica says it

 **green:** cant argue with that

 **red:** … so i should apologize to veronica??

 **green:** yea do it in person tho so like at lunch

 **red:** i could offer her a favor maybe

 **green:** ooh smart

 **yellow:** Yeah, then she can decide what you should do to make it up to her

 **green:** we should just call this the veronica counseling chat tbfh

 **red:** NO WE’Ve BEEN HE ATHERC UBED SINCE WE LERANED EXPONENTS

 **green:** ok fine our sacred friendship history or whatever will be preserved

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:03am_

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh my God

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why did nobody mention his black eye???????

 **how.very.onica:** oh that could be from kurt and ram at the party last week

 **yellow:** Yeah I thought it was from the party

 **martha-dunnstock:** But he didn't have one yesterday??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** black eyes dont last that long

 **how.very.onica:** WTF THEN WHAT MONSTER D ID THIS

 **martha-dunnstock:** SHOULD I ASK???

 **ramsweeneytodd:** r u actuly this dumb jfc

 **ramsweeneytodd:** no one wants too admit they got there ass kicked

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:05am_

 **yellow:** Attention all heathers, ignore the gym teacher ranting at us, jd has a nasty black eye and it isn't from kurt and ram, time for action plan green

 **green:** dibs on upperclassmen

 **red:** DNSKDNDJSK NOT FAIR I DONT WANT TO TALK TO SHITTY LITTLE FR ESHMEN AND SPOHOMORES

 **how.very.onica:** lmfao you seriously have coded action plans?? what's action plan green

 **yellow:** Asking around to find out what’s up

 **how.very.onica:** what would action plan red be lol

 **red:** that one’s confidential

 **green:** weve never actually done that one but it means different illegal shit depending on the shade of red

 **red:** H EA T H E R

 **yellow:** Rip heather duke: she never found the weed stash

 **how.very.onica:** you guys are nuts i’m crying

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:08am_

 **red:** WE NEED TO TONE DOWN THE CRAZY WE’L SCARE VERONICA AWAY

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
** ****

_**Today** 10:08am_

**how.very.onica:** in a good way tho it’s a good brand of crazy

 **how.very.onica:** oh speaking of crazy

 **how.very.onica:** don't tell kurt or ram but me and jd found ms fleming’s dog so we’ve adopted him as our own, his name is pufflesnoot the first

 **red:** MARRY ME

 **red:** NDJSDHSJDJDHJDJSWUJ

 **red:** SHKSHDUSLHXUSXK

 **red:** IN A FR IE ND w AY

 **how.very.onica:** i don't think you need the tax benefits lmfao you’re already loaded

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:09am_

 **green:** IM CRYING

 **yellow:** YOU’RE LUCKY SHE’S SO OBLIVIOUS HEATHER

 **red:** I M G O N N A D I E

 **green:** THATS THE GAYEST U CAN GET WITHOUT JUDY GARLAND AND FUCKING ELLEN IN A ROOM

 **green:** AND SHE S TI LL HASNT NOTICED

 **yellow:** MY RIBS

 **red:** WHRIWHDGSIDJHSSOLCMCJSYSISKDN

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:12am_

 **how.very.onica:** anyway i was gonna ask if any of you could keep him for us?? like properly with a kennel and a bed and everything

 **red:** I COULD

 **red:** SORRY CAPS

 **red:** I JUST REALLY LOVE D OGS

 **how.very.onica:** same

 **how.very.onica:** he’s alone at martha’s right now but me and jd can go pick him up after school and bring him over to your place

 **red:** YE AH SURE

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:14am_

 **green** : Y ARE U LIKE THIS

 **red:** I DONT’ NEED TO ASK IF SHE WANTS A FAVOR FROM ME ANYMORE SO WHO’S THE REAL FUCKING WINNER!!!!

 **yellow:** HEATHER I CANT BELIEVE YOU JUST ADOPTED A DOG

 **red:** I HAVE THE SPACE AND MY PARENTS ARE NEVER HOME

 **red:** i mean except for when they are

 **red:** … shit

 **green:** rip heather chandler: she adopted a dog out of the kindness of her heart

 **green:** ps: by kindness we mean utter gay thirst. she was so gay god bless her soul

 **yellow:** We’ll get troye sivan at your funeral

 **green:** ok time to play tennis and die

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:17am_

 **how.very.onica:** i got the pufflesnoot situation sorted out btw, heather chandler’s gonna take him in for us

 **hucklebettyfinn:** thank god

 **hucklebettyfinn:** can the heathers actually support a living creature tho

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, Heather Chandler basically lives alone, doesn't she?? So she probably has to take care of herself. Like I think she has maids but??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** she probably does have maids

 **hucklebettyfinn:** like didn't she have a huge house

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah It was a Mansion

 **hucklebettyfinn:** goals tbh

 **martha-dunnstock:** Same

 **7.11.J.D:** Are the Heathers Going to Martha’s to Get Him or are We Supposed to Drop him Off

 **how.very.onica:** i figured we could drop him off

 **7.11.J.D:** K

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:20am_

 **how.very.onica:** [K.jpg]

 **how.very.onica:** MARTHA CHEER HIM UP NOBODY TYPES “K” UNLESS THEY'RE PISSED OR UPSET

 **martha-dunnstock:** I have some pictures of pufflesnoot on my phone!! Should I show him those??

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, bless you martha you're a godsend

 **ramsweeneytodd:** tf kind of name is pufflesnoot

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, he’s my neighbor’s dog, the one that looks like Ms. Fleming’s??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** still a dumb name lmfao

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:24am_

 **how.very.onica:** martha almost blew our cover with pufflesnoot to ram i’m crying

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FEUSBDGJSBCGSJ

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WHY WERE YOU TALKING TO HIM ANYWAY

 **how.very.onica:** he has us trapped in a group chat with him and he won't let us out until after school

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hey, I think I covered up my mistake pretty well!!

 **how.very.onica:** ok but if you hadn't hsjdgskdnsgm

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that could've been so bad omg

 **7.11.J.D:** Try Not to Incur the Wrath of the Football Team

 **how.very.onica:** says the guy who’s managed to piss off the quarterback and linebacker in his first week at westerberg

 **7.11.J.D:** You did the Same Thing

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah but veronica’s known them since like kindergarten

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that was the first week you knew them

 **7.11.J.D:** Is this Attack J.D. Day because it’s Not Cool

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ?????????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that wasn't an attack it was banter

 **martha-dunnstock:** **That wasn’t /meant as/ an attack, it was /supposed to be/ banter. /Your feelings are valid, though, and I’m sorry/

 **hucklebettyfinn:** uh yeah what martha said

 **how.very.onica:** _em·pa·thy /ˈempəTHē/ (noun) - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another._

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WHDJSBUDMSBDH

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ALRIGHT I HAD THAT ONE COMING

 **7.11.J.D:** Yes you Did

 **7.11.J.D:** Also Buy your Own damn Sub Sandwich Next time you Want One

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FUCK

 **hucklebettyfinn:** BABY COME BACK!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL. ON. MEEE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** I WAS WRONG

 **hucklebettyfinn:** AND I JUST CANT LIIIIVE WITHOUT YOU

 **7.11.J.D:** Isn’t That the Song From the Swiffer Commercial

 **martha-dunnstock:** What commercial??

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ll try to Find It at Lunch

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:32am_

 **how.very.onica:** alright he’s not depressed enough to not recognize a song from a swiffer commercial

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don't think depression has anything to do with that… :/

 **ramsweeneytodd:** yea thats more weather or not ur fuckin tonedeaf

 **ramsweeneytodd:** or actual deaf

 **how.very.onica:** well closed captioning is a thing so they'd be able to recognize lyrics

 **how.very.onica:** whatever, point is he’s fine at least for a little bit

 **ramsweeneytodd:** i dont even give a fuck abt the guy y am i here

 **martha-dunnstock:** Heather McNamara’s limited list of contacts??

 **yellow:** I heard that you were talking shit :3c

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sorry, I take it back!!!! I bet you have a really lengthy list of contacts

 **yellow:** Lol carry on

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:26am_

 **red:** okay where do you buy kennels and dog food and stuff

 **green:** uhhh the pet store

 **green:** (fucking duh)

 **red:** i’ll ignore the attitude and instead ask where the pet store is

 **green:** do u even go outside

 **red:** ???? yes???

 **green:** theres literally a pet store a block from ur mansion

 **red:** since when??????????

 **yellow:** It’s been there for as long as I can remember

 **red:** what the fuck

 **green:** ill introduce u to ur environment after school

 **red:** fuck off

 **green:** ok so i guess u want to walk home??

 **green:** wanna hitch a ride with veronicas pet school shooter again????

 **red:** N O PLEAS EDON’ T DTICH ME

 **green:** this is the closest were ever gonna get to mutual respect lol

 **green:** its cool tho i love to see how petty we can get

 **red:** same

 **yellow:** Same

 **yellow:** Veronica’s hair is cute today

 **green:** do u want to die

 **yellow:** Why are you calling me out like this ;(

 **green:** [eyes emoji]

 **yellow:** NVM HEATHER KICKED MY SHIN

 **red:** did it hurt

 **yellow:** UM YE A H YOU’RE WEARING HEELS TODAY!!!!

 **red:** SHSVAJMDGSJSDB NURSE’S OFFICE. NOW.

 **green:** IM LIT ERAL LY CRYIGN

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:35am_

 **how.very.onica:** uhhh where are you guys going and why is heather d crying

 **green:** WBCYSKDBMJDKSN

 **green:** HE ATENE R C FORGO T SHES WEAR INGN HEEELS AND KICKED HETAHER M IM SOBNIGN WERE GOUNGN TO NEUSES

 **green:** NRUJSNS

 **green:** NU R S E S

 **yellow:** It hurt really bad at first and it’s bleeding a little, but like, I’m pretty sure it’s fine

 **red:** STOP TEXTING MROE WALKING

 **how.very.onica:** how can heather m type so well when she's walking in the halls, with a battered leg at that

 **green:** GODLEN RTEIRVER MAGI C

 **yellow:** Heather d keeps tripping because she’s laughing too hard, somebody help her??

 **how.very.onica:** should i sit with betty, martha, and jd then while you're gone

 **red:** AABAMBDJSNXBSN

 **red:** YE AH SURE

 **green:** IV E FLALEN AND I NC ANT GETDJH UP

 **red:** W E A K

_**Today** 11:54am_

**how.very.onica:** you guys missed it omg betty fell off her seat laughing at a swiffer commercial

 **yellow:** Not the revenge I ordered, but the revenge I deserved

 **green:** tag urself im betty

 **red:** of course you are

 **how.very.onica:** well yeah, you pretty much just busted a rib laughing at heather m getting kicked in the shin

 **red:** if it's the commercial i’m thinking of then i’m the broom

 **yellow:** Heather, you’re a human saltshaker

 **how.very.onica:** HJSBSUDJSBD THIS IS TRUTH

 **red:** first person to photoshop my face onto a saltshaker is uninvited to my next party

 **green:** good theres too many sleasy college guys at ur parties ill just have them all photoshop ur face onto saltshakers

 **yellow:** But that requires actually talking to them

 **green:** gross nvm

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:_ _20pm_

 **ramsweeneytodd:** hes just gonna be sitting for the rest of the day til gym y am i still here

 **martha-dunnstock:** Fairness??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** NO DENNIS GOT TOO LEAVE Y CANT I

 **how.very.onica:** dennis put in his time lmfao

 **yellow:** Plus we had to bribe him with actual money to stay quiet, if we didn't let him leave he could've just taken the money and ran

 **ramsweeneytodd:** what if i want money

 **how.very.onica:** HONEY…….

 **yellow:** SUGARPLUM… GUMDROP……..

 **martha-dunnstock:** [[surejan.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/38fblIIrHLMPe/giphy.gif)]

 **ramsweeneytodd:** seriosly whats stopping me from going up too ur little fag and telling him rite now what ur doin

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yikes, back to the slurs again I see

 **ramsweeneytodd:** s e r i o s l y

 **yellow:** Brb getting popcorn

 **how.very.onica:** heather you're the worst backup ever

 **yellow:** You think I’m joking????? Popcorn is happening

 **ramsweeneytodd:** how

 **yellow:** I asked to use the bathroom, but I’m taking a detour to the staff lounge

 **martha-dunnstock:** But it’s always locked??

 **yellow:** Also nabbed the keys when I grabbed the bathroom pass from Minehan’s desk

 **how.very.onica:** relatable

 **martha-dunnstock:** But we just got out of lunch like half an hour ago???

 **yellow:** Heather chandler kicked me but forgot she was wearing heels so I had to go to the nurse, I missed lunch

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ohhhhh!!! That’s too bad :( I hope you enjoy your popcorn!!!!

 **ramsweeneytodd:** any way

 **how.very.onica:** do you want a bribe ram??? like idc i’ll find a way to get you whatever as long as it isn't super illegal

 **ramsweeneytodd:** damnit

 **ramsweeneytodd:** i was gonna ask for weed for kurt

 **how.very.onica:** ok i still lowkey hate you both but that's gay and i can respect that

 **ramsweeneytodd:** thx

 **yellow:** Stop being nice to each other, I got popcorn so I could eat and watch you be petty

 **martha-dunnstock:** Heather Duke is really rubbing off on you, huh??

 **ramsweeneytodd:** lol shes doin what exactly

 **how.very.onica:** go back to the nuclear waste dump of a frat house you crawled out of

 **ramsweeneytodd:** im trying

 **yellow:** Ram, report

 **ramsweeneytodd:** dudes still sitting in the corner idk what u expect him too do too be emo in a public place

 **martha-dunnstock:** He could start crying or something

 **ramsweeneytodd:** tf kinda fag just starts crying in a public place

 **yellow:** This fag

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ok its different for girls tho girls can cry where ever and its no big deal but a dude cries in public and its a big target on his winey ass

 **how.very.onica:** well gee i wonder why……….

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, stop trying to tear Ram into tiny little pieces. Ram, stop being such a huge jerk

 **yellow:** That’s a tall order, martha, lmfao

_**Today** 12:56pm_

**ramsweeneytodd:** [[boyhebouttodoit.jpg](http://i.imgur.com/QqFbn4i.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** WHAT HAPPENED

 **martha-dunnstock:** ????????

 **ramsweeneytodd:** he reached into his backpack and i thot he was gonna grab a gun but he was just getting a textbook

 **yellow:** Lol, same ram

 **how.very.onica:** ;/

_**Today** 1:34pm_

**ramsweeneytodd:** OK I SERVED MY FUCKIN TIME LET ME OUT

_yellow has changed restrictions on ramsweeneytodd.  
****_

_**Today** 1:34pm_

**yellow:** Okay leave

 **how.very.onica:** GOOD RIDDANCE MOTHERFUCKER

 **ramsweeneytodd:** EAT SHIT SAWYER

_ramsweeneytodd has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:35pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Since I twisted my ankle, I’ll be sitting out, so I can give nonstop updates if you need me to!!!

 **how.very.onica:** god bless

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:38pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Freese can Suck my Ass

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lmfao what’d he do

 **7.11.J.D:** He Made me Change into Gym Clothes

 **how.very.onica:** WTF HE NEVER YELLS AT ANYONE????

 **martha-dunnstock** : ?!?!?!?!

 **7.11.J.D:** He just Hates me I Guess

 **7.11.J.D:** I Kept the Trenchcoat Though he can Pry It Out of my Cold Dead Hands

 **hucklebettyfinn:** go get em tiger

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wait have you ever seen hsm 2

 **how.very.onica:** betty no don't spam the group chat with hsm lyrics again

 **martha-dunnstock:** Last time you did that, Betty, I was in a test... I got in so much trouble :(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you're in gym class now tho i WONT ALLOW MYSELF TO BE UNJUSTLY CENSORED IN THIS WAY

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HEY BATTER BATTER HEY BATTER BATTER /SWING/

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Confused

 **hucklebettyfinn:** (I GOTTA JUST DO MY THING)

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HEY BATTER BATTER HEY BATTER BATTER S W I N G

 **7.11.J.D:** WHAT’S GOING O N

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ILL SHOW YOU THAT ITS ONE AND THE SAME

 **hucklebettyfinn:** BASEBALL DANCING ~*~same game~*~

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ITS E AS YYYY

 **hucklebettyfinn:** S T E P U P T O T H E P L AAAAAAAAAA Te

_how.very.onica has removed hucklebettyfinn from the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:44pm_

**how.very.onica:** i’ll deal with the consequences of that later

 **7.11.J.D:** Speaking of Consequences it’s Probably Time to Deal with Kurt

 **how.very.onica:** WHAT NO

 **how.very.onica:** N OOOOOOOOOOOOO

_how.very.onica has added hucklebettyfinn to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:45pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** START SWINGIN (I WANNA PLAY BALL NOW N THATS ALL THIS IS WHAT I DO)

 **how.very.onica:** BETTY JD WANTS TO VOLUNTARILY TALK TO KURT

 **hucklebettyfinn:** (AINT NO DANCE THAT YOU CAn sHWTF N O WHO ELSE IS SUPPOSED TO GO TO SUBWAY WITH ME

 **hucklebettyfinn:** JD GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:47pm_

 **how.very.onica:** MARTHA WHATS HE DOING

 **martha-dunnstock:** HEATHER, ADD BETTY TO THE CHAT

 **yellow:** ??? OKAY????

_yellow has added hucklebettyfinn to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:48pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** ???????????????

 **how.very.onica:** ILL EXPLAIN THIS CHAT LATER BUT YOURE HERE SO MARTHA CAN GIVE US THE DEETS

 **martha-dunnstock:** I CAN’T MAKE OUT WHAT THEY'RE SAYING, BUT THERE’S A LOT OF YELLING

 **yellow:** GET CLOSER THEN????????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** AAAAAA

 **martha-dunnstock:** OKAY, IT’S A LOT OF SWEARING, YIKES

 **how.very.onica:** D E E T S

 **martha-dunnstock:** UM, A LOT OF SLURS FROM KURT

 **martha-dunnstock:** J.D. IS REALLY ANGRY, BUT I THINK HE’S TRYING TO KEEP CALM?? HE HASN’T YELLED AT ALL

 **how.very.onica:** ok lowkey proud of jd but GET HIM OUT OF THERE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** KURTS GONNA EAT HIM ALIVEEEE

 **martha-dunnstock:** AND THERE ARE THE HOMOPHOBIC SLURS

 **yellow:** Like what

 **martha-dunnstock:** UMMM, F*G AND F*GGOT ARE GETTING A LOT OF MILEAGE

 **martha-dunnstock:** OH MY GOD

 **martha-dunnstock:** KURT CALLED J.D. A FAIRY. I DIDN’T KNOW A PERSON COULD LOOK THAT ANGRYyyyyydjshdibsjNhhfmbdGDSJDBDDKDGS

 **martha-dunnstock:** H O L Y C R A P

 **hucklebettyfinn:** .W T F HAPENED

 **how.very.onica:** MARTHA WHATS GOING ON YOU NEVER KEYBOARD SMASH

 **martha-dunnstock:** I WOULD SAY IT’S WARRnted XHUSHDKSNDJ

 **yellow:** LMFAO WHAT HAPPENED

 **martha-dunnstock:** J.D. JUST MADE OUT WITH KURT TO MAKE HIM ANGRY

 **hucklebettyfinn:** DBSKDBEJUFBDJDJVJSBCYENFBDGS,BC

 **yellow:** SCREENSHITJEDD IMM CRYOIJGN

 **how.very.onica:** OH MY GOD????????

 **how.very.onica:** GET POOR JD SOME MOUTHWASH??????????????

 **yellow:** SCREENSHOTTED. SCREENSHOTTED. NONE OF YOU ARE FREE OF SIN

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:52pm_

 **yellow:** IMF CUKCOGJNG

 **red:** WHATD YAPENED DO WE NEED TO GO INTOT HE VENTS AGAIN

 **green:** WHERES THE DRAMA [clapping emoji x4]

 **yellow:** [screenshot1.jpg]

 **yellow:** [screenshot2.jpg]

 **green:** Y E SSSSSSS

 **red:** OKAY I HATE THE KID BUT IF THERE’S ONE THING I CAN RESPECT IT’S PETTINESS ON THIS HUGE A SCALE NDGSUDBSH

 **green:** if kurt goes after jd for real then ill try to stop him

 **green:** seeing as hes the football gay id marry for tax benefits maybe hell listen to me

 **yellow:** IF KURT DOESNT KILL HIM THEN RAM WILL

 **green:** rams a follower hell do anything for kurt so if i can get kurt to chill odds are hell get ram to chill

 **yellow:** Is this your backup plan for anything kurt and ram related

 **green:** pretty much yea

 **red:** good. it’s devious. i can get behind a plan like that

 **green:** ok brb while i run damage control

_**Today** 2:07pm_

**green:** ok casanovas fucking doomed kurt is still pissed and rams probably ten times worse

 **green:** id tell veronica to have him ride home in bettys car in case they try to jump him on his motorbike idk if they would but its possible

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:08pm_

 **yellow** : I had heather duke run damage control but kurt and ram are still pissed

 **how.very.onica:** fuck!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** fuckkkkkk rip jd

 **martha-dunnstock:** Is there anything we can do to make sure Kurt and Ram don't try to beat him up???

 **yellow:** Have him ride with betty today, escort him around town, that kind of thing

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:11pm_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** hey jd wanna ride home with me today

 **7.11.J.D:** Not Really

 **7.11.J.D:** Thanks Anyway though

 **7.11.J.D:** Plus What would Happen to my Bike

 **how.very.onica:** i could drive it to yours

 **7.11.J.D:** You can’t Drive

 **how.very.onica:** ummm actually sweaty :) i can drive, i just don't have my license

 **martha-dunnstock:** VERONICA M. SAWYER YOU ARE NOT DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** veronica doesn't have a middle name

 **martha-dunnstock:** I know, the “M” stands for “My Friend”!!!!! WHo I really don’t want to get arrested for something dumb!!!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** OUCH way to drive the nail into my heart martha B( fine

 **7.11.J.D:** Do You have Any Other friends That Can Drive

 **how.very.onica:** idk i can ask the heathers if they know anyone who could

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:14pm_

 **how.very.onica:** hey, do you guys know anyone who could drive jd’s motorbike to his place after school?? since he’s riding with betty

 **green:** heather m can’t drive so she can’t

 **green:** i have to drive her sorry ass home so i cant without abandoning her on the bus and leaving my jeep at school

 **green:** but heather c has her license shes just lazy

 **red:** HONESTLY SO RUDE

 **green:** so will u drive the guys stupid motorbike home or not

 **red:** ;///

 **red:** fine, veronica remember that you and jd need to take the dog to my house

 **green:** **mansion

 **how.very.onica:** ok first we’ll drop off martha at her house and grab the dog, then head to jd’s to pick you up and drop jd off, then drop you off, and finally betty can drop me off and go home

 **yellow:** So much driving wtf

 **green:** thatll take like an hour rip

 **red:** i can pay for the gas money

 **how.very.onica:** ok cool!! thanks a bunch

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:18pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ok betty you’re gonna have to play chauffeur so jd doesn't get murdered

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ?? i know that already

 **how.very.onica:** no but you’re gonna be hauling us around for like an hour dropping people off and picking people up

 **hucklebettyfinn:** I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS……

 **how.very.onica:** heather chandler’s paying for gas money, you have to take martha to her place and i can go in for pufflesnoot

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay

 **how.very.onica:** then we’ll drop off jd and pick up heather chandler from there, she’s going to take jd’s motorbike to his house

 **how.very.onica:** then we’ll drop her and pufflesnoot off, then you can drop me off and go home

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well if heather is paying for gas then whatever

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i get to choose the music though

 **how.very.onica:** deal

 **7.11.J.D:** Holy Doubletexting Batman

 **7.11.J.D:** Does Alpha Heather know How to Hotwire A Bike or Does She need Keys

 **7.11.J.D:** Never mind Martha just Hit Me I’ll Hand Over the Keys

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:22pm_

 **how.very.onica:** jd can give you the motorbike keys after class, heather

 **red:** okay

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:23pm_

 **martha-dunnstock:** Uhh, J.D. kind of winced when I hit him… I didn’t put any force into it, it was a weak slap on the arm, so I think it might be bruised? D:

 **how.very.onica:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if we ever find out who did this i wanna personally deck them in the face

 **yellow:** I don’t even know or like jd all that much and even I’m getting protective

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it could be a side effect of just being in a chat with us

 **yellow:** Lol

 **yellow:** Okay seriously though, I’m disbanding this chat, I think it’s served its purpose

_yellow has changed restrictions on how.very.onica and martha-dunnstock.  
****_

_**Today** 2:27pm_

_how.very.onica, martha-dunnstock, and hucklebettyfinn have left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 2:28pm_

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
** ****

_**Today** 2:40pm_

**how.very.onica:** HELP BETTY WONT STOP PLAYING THE BASEBALL SONG FROM HSM 2

 **yellow:** Godspeed

 **green:** wait sHIT STOP TEXTING HEATHER WILL TRY TO CHECK HER PHONE AND CRASH SHES KIND OF A SHITTY DRIVER

_**Today** 2:46pm_

**red:** i resent that ;/ i’m a great driver

 **green:** yea ok sure hon keep telling urself that when im the one who did a donut in a busy street without hitting anyone or dying

 **yellow:** And literally never stops texting while driving, but by some miracle never crashes

 **green:** thanks for the backup boo [blowing kiss emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** that’s pretty gay. i love it

 **yellow:** My hobbies include being gay and being friends with other gay girls

 **green:** rt

 **how.very.onica:** rt

 **red:** i’m straight

 **how.very.onica:** [surgical mask emoji]

 **green:** same

 **how.very.onica:** oh how did action plan green go

 **green:** nobodys willing to brag about it so its nobody at westerberg

 **green:** should we bother asking around at the other schools

 **green:** it could be someone over there

 **red:** nah

 **how.very.onica:** yeah i don't think he’s really been socializing, idk if he’s even been to that side of town, so i wouldn't

 **green:** so who did it

 **yellow:** Whoever it was, they beat him up pretty bad, his arm’s bruised enough that it hurt when martha weakly slapped it

 **green:** heres a crazy idea: why dont we just ask him

 **red:** don’t be stupid, nobody wants to admit they got their ass handed to them

 **how.very.onica:** i can try asking?? like i could call him later tonight

 **red:** i think it's dumb but if you think it’s worth a shot then whatever

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:52pm_

 **green:** methinks the lady doth protest too much

 **red:** oh go shove hamlet up your ass why don't you

 **yellow:** Do you mean the play or the character, one is more plausible than the other

 **red:** both

 **red:** okay my ride’s here time to dash

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
** ****

_**Today** 3:12pm_

**red:** i hate high school musical now i’m so glad i’m out of that hell vehicle

 **how.very.onica:** betty loves high school musical almost as much as subway

 **red:** she’s ruined it for me forever

 **yellow:** It’s true, she has a poster signed by half the cast

 **green:** y only half

 **yellow:** Idk I never asked

 **how.very.onica:** betty says it’s because she only asked the girls, the hat guy, and corbin bleu

 **green:** if that aint me

 **red:** how did she even meet them

 **how.very.onica:** apparently she sent a letter to a teen magazine saying she had swine flu, asked for a signed poster from those cast members, and they provided

 **green:** ok bettys a traitor and all but thats literally something i would do im crying

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Veronica Sawyer → Jason “J.D.” Dean**

_4:54pm_

**VS:** Yo, I haven’t gotten a chance to talk to you properly since lunch, what’s up?

 **JD:** Nothing really, besides the obvious “the football players are going to streak across my lawn or something for pissing off Kurt,” like a fucking moron--

 **VS:** Hey, you aren’t a moron, OK? I mean, making out with a guy with a boyfriend to piss him off isn’t a smart thing to do, but it doesn't make you a moron. He’s a moron for pissing you off in the first place.

 **JD:** Oh, no, Kurt’s a moron alright, it’s just that I’m about equally stupid.

 **VS:** [sigh] J.D.--

 **JD:** Fuck, there I go again. Making you mad! Like a moron!

 **VS:** You’re not a moron! Why do you keep saying that?

 **JD:** Because I’m a fucking idiot, Veronica!

 **VS:** [sigh] OK, look, do you want me to come over there? I--

 **JD:** No!

 **VS:** Dude, I can come over there right now, it’s no trouble. We can hang out, watch a movie, keep watch for angry nude football players-- whatever you want.

 **JD:** Don’t come to my house. It’s-- if my dad finds you here--

 **VS:** Oh, shit, he’s one of those?

 **JD:** Those?

 **VS:** Like, those weird parents that assume that leaving a guy and a girl in a room together is like a guaranteed spot on 16 and Pregnant. Is he one of those?

 **JD:** I-- yeah, no girls in the house, ever. It’s annoying as hell, but uh… I’ll live.

 **VS:** I could just sneak in? Like, Martha’s parents are the same, but you snuck in to hang out with us and it was fine. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?

 **JD:** No, seriously-- Veronica, please, don’t come to my house. Unless I invite you over, I don't want you vaulting through my window. Because-- I’ve, I’ve had practice sneaking into places, right? And it’s-- I don’t want you to get hurt trying, or like, make too much noise and let my dad know you’re here. It’s too risky.

 **VS:** Fine, what if you came over here? Then the jock assholes will have your dad to contend with.

 **JD:** Veronica, drop it.

 **VS:** Why is it such a big deal? I just don't get what the problem is.

 **JD:** [deep inhale] Veronica, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later-- [door slamming open]

 **VS:** J.D.?

 **JD:** H--hey, sport, glad to see you’re doing your homework?

 **??:** Cut the crap, Jason. Why am I getting calls from these limp-wristed faggots?

 **JD:** What?

 **??:** Don’t play dumb with me. Some asshole called me a minute ago telling me you were making out with his son’s boyfriend.

 **JD:** Dad, I don’t know what you’re talking about-- it must’ve been a prank call, yeah? Just a stupid prank call from somebody trying to make me out to be some sort of… fag.

 **VS:** [sharp inhale]

 **??:** What was that?

 **JD:** What was what?

 **??:** You play dumb with me one more time and I’m gonna slap you upside the head. What was that noise?

 **JD:** I don’t know-- Dad, I don’t know-- [slap, followed by sharp inhale]

 **??:** Tell your fucking friends not to prank call here again or you’ll be out of this house so quick, you won’t know what hit you.

 **JD:** Yes Dad.

 **??:** Now do your homework, Jason. If I hear one more noise from up here, you're gonna regret it. [door closing]

 **VS:** J.D.--

 **JD:** [whispers] Fuck, she was on the line… Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck--

 **VS:** J.D., you need to get the fuck out of there, oh my God-- I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll-- I’ll make it up to you, get the hell out of that house and come over here. I can get you somewhere to stay, Heather Chandler has space--

 **JD:** [whispers] No, it’s-- it’s fine, I can go stay with... family. A few towns over, there’s a German settlement-- do you take German?

 **VS:** French.

 **JD:** [whispers] Alright, there’s a German settlement, Ich Lüge, just a few towns over. I have some family there that’ll take me in.

 **VS:** I just-- oh my God.

 **JD:** [whispers] I have to go, he’ll hear me talking. Don’t worry about me.

 **VS:** That’s kind of impossible right now.

 **JD:** [sigh] Bye.

**Call Ended**

_5:08pm_

_\--_  
****

**squad = h^3 + v**  
****

_**Today** 5:08pm_

**how.very.onica:** ok ok fucking hell

 **yellow:** What’s going on

 **green:** ???

 **how.very.onica:** jd’s moving

 **yellow:** Shit, that’s too bad

 **red:**  fuck

 **green:** y

 **how.very.onica:** it’s not really my business?? it’s sure as hell not yours either

 **how.very.onica:** like he's not going far, i think he’ll still be at westerberg, he’s just moving in with some family

 **green:** where do they live

 **how.very.onica:** uhh some german place a few towns over, ick loug or something

 **green:** ich lüge oh my fucking god

 **how.very.onica:** sorry, i don't take german, i didn't know how to spell it

 **green:** no oh my fucking god ich lüge means im lying he doesnt have family to stay with he just wanted u to think he did

 **how.very.onica:** FUCK

 **red:** talk to him tomorrow, if he actually needs a place to stay i can take him in

 **how.very.onica:** THANKS

 **how.very.onica:** BUT STILL /SHIT/

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:11pm_

 **yellow:** HEATHER ADOPTING A DOG IS ONE THING BUT TAKING IN A PERSON???

 **red:** dude needs a place to stay, i have space, it’s not like i need to personally take care of him

 **green:** u dont even like the guy????????

 **red:** it’s the principle of the thing

 **yellow:** Heather, this is so weird

 **red:** i know but do i care???? don’t push it, i have room so he can stay with me if he wants

 **green:** saint heather

 **red:** ***heather the decent fucking human being

 **red:** don't give me shit for this, i’m not just doing it for veronica you know

 **yellow:** I’ll take the lack of keyboard smashing as honesty


	8. Tarjay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> featuring tarjay, useless anecdotes, increasingly ridiculous nicknames, portals, and drunkenness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning of the chapter starts off with some stuff in german, french, and spanish, but there are translations in the endnotes. any other parts throughout the chapter with stuff in other languages are given translations directly after. if any of it is incorrect lmk!!
> 
> there's also one short part that casually references duke's bulimia recovery, but if you'd like to skip it then scroll down to 11:52am when you see the line "rly dodged a bullet there"

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:14am_

 **how.very.onica:** hey did you guys see jd in the halls or anything

 **yellow:** Nope

 **green:** nein in deiner haut will ich jetzt nicht stecken

 **red:** oh my god we get it you can speak german

 **green:** meide die ungläubige

 **how.very.onica:** casse-toi, ta mère suce tous les ours dans la forêt

 **red:** la mort craint, vous craignez, je vous déteste

 **yellow:** NO ENTIENDO

 **how.very.onica:** lol anyway i’m gonna ask some more people if they've seen him

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:20am_

 **how.very.onica:** hey did anyone see jd in the halls or anything

 **hucklebettyfinn:** no why

 **how.very.onica:** he isn't answering my texts but i have to talk to him

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sorry, Veronica, I haven't seen him either… :(

 **martha-dunnstock:** You could always ask Dennis?

 **hucklebettyfinn:** dennis is still the worst coworker ever but like yeah

\--  
****

**Trenchcoat Watch  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:24am_

_how.very.onica has added red and norunninginmylobby to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:25am_

_how.very.onica has changed restrictions on norunninginmylobby.  
****_

_**Today** 8:26am_

**norunninginmylobby:** NO!

 **how.very.onica:** dennis i’m not gonna trap you here and make you surveil anybody again, i just need a minute of your time

 **norunninginmylobby:** What the hell do you want?

 **red:** don't talk to her like that fucko, either you can answer her questions and run along to old navy to buy yourself some sweater vests and pocket protectors or i can take my money back

 **norunninginmylobby:** You don’t intimidate me, Heather Chandler. You’re just a mean, petty, and shallow girl who thinks senior year social status is the deciding factor for your future.

 **red:** you’re right but like………. i also have the linebacker and the quarterback at my disposal :)

 **norunninginmylobby:** Oh no, I’m so afraid! It’s not like I can kick them in the nuts and run or anything!

 **how.very.onica:** down, heather, dennis is fine

 **red:** i’m not your dog sweatpea

 **how.very.onica:** whatever, i just want to know if jd’s in class today

 **norunninginmylobby:** Yes? Why wouldn't he be?

 **how.very.onica:** ok cool thanks dennis

 **red:** go to hell, you big bang theory cast reject

 **norunninginmylobby:** I’ll meet you there.

 **red:** i’m gonna be on the throne sipping your tears out of a juice box, honey, don't kid yourself

 **norunninginmylobby:** Alright, damn, I’ll give you that one. That was a good one.

 **red:** toodles, bitch

_how.very.onica has changed restrictions on norunninginmylobby.  
****_

_**Today** 8:31am_

_red and norunninginmylobby have left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 8:31am_

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:35am_

 **red:** i’m pretty proud of my roast tbh

 **green:** show me screenshots or something u asshole

 **how.very.onica:** _red: don't talk to her like that fucko, either you can answer her questions and run along to old navy to buy yourself some sweater vests and pocket protectors or i can take my money back_

 **yellow:** Tag yourself, I’m the pocket protectors

 **green:** im "dont talk to her like that fucko"

 **how.very.onica:** i’m “or i can take my money back”

 **red:** i feel so loved

 **green:** [[hatebringsustogether.jpg](http://oi67.tinypic.com/2ptrs7n.jpg)]

 **yellow:** I’m both of the teacups simultaneously

 **green:** those are mugs get out of here u second class citizen

 **yellow:** HDKSNM I ASSUMED THEY WERE TEACUPS

 **how.very.onica:** where's the picture of the soulful zebra from lion king 2

 **red:** [[zebra.jpg](http://smg.photobucket.com/component/Download-File?file=%2Falbums%2Fv625%2FTheUnknownSoul%2F1Urongodeception.jpg)]

 **green:** u two are so in sync its almost scary

 **yellow:** Honestly the rudest part of all of this is that I’m kovu instead of kiara in this situation

 **green:** ok but u get to lion marry kiara

 **yellow:** True nvm

 **how.very.onica:** anyway jd didn't skip school so i’ll talk to him at lunch

 **red:** if he needs a ride to my house he can come with us in heather’s jeep

 **green:** stop inviting strange people into my car ;/

 **yellow:** Heather, for the last time, it’s not a house, it's a mansion

 **green:** yea that too its not normal to have three stories honey boo boo child

 **red:** literally never say that again

 **how.very.onica:** the three stories thing or honey boo boo child

 **red:** the phrase “honey boo boo child” is banned from this chat

 **yellow:** Alright

 **yellow:** Fair is fair, I guess

 **red:** i’m putting my phone away, i have actual work to do

 **yellow:** Okay

 **green:** ok

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:42am_

 **green:** HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD

 **yellow:** HONEY BOO BOO CHILD

 **yellow:** HONEY BOO BOO CHILD

 **green:** HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD HONEY BOO BOO CHILD

 **yellow:** HONEY BOO BOO CHILD

 **red:** NEXT TIME YOU SPAM ME MAKE SURE I DON'T HAVE NOTIFICATIONS ON????? I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS?????

 **yellow:** Damn

 **green:** at least im not the amateur who was only sending one honey boo boo child at a time

 **yellow:** STOP DRAGGING ME WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS

 **green:** we drag heather too much its ur turn

 **red:** leave heather alone she’s delicate

 **green:** kk fuck yall im going to mcdonalds for lunch and im not bringing anything back with me

 **yellow:** WTF

 **green:** ok fine hmac gets chicken nuggets but only a 4 piece

 **yellow:** :(

 **green:** OK 6 PIECE

 **yellow:** :)

 **red:** WHA TABOUT ME

 **green:** u just eat my fries anyway u dont even eat what i buy u

 **red:** it's the principle of the thing

 **green:** ok fine u get a big mac and a milkshake but u have to give the big mac to bender

 **red:** who

 **green:** jd it was a breakfast club ref but u missed it so no milkshake

 **red:** FCUK

 **yellow:** Wait, I thought bender wore an overcoat, not a trenchcoat

 **green:** … anyway

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:21am_

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok ignoring All of my Texts is Boring What do you Want Veronica

 **how.very.onica:** since you need a place to stay, i was going to tell you that heather chandler has a lot of room at her place so she could take you in

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, what happened?? Why does J.D. need a place to stay?? D:

 **7.11.J.D:**  DON'T T ELL ME YOU T OLD THAT O VERGLORIFIED B ARBIE WHAT H APPENED

 **how.very.onica:** jd nooo i didn't tell her anything!!!!!! i just said you needed a place to stay and she offered up room

 **7.11.J.D:** I TOLD YOU I’M S TAYING WITH F AMILY

 **how.very.onica:** heather duke speaks german, i know you lied

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what in the actual fuck is going on

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK

 **how.very.onica:** i’m not mad!! trust me, there would be a lot more caps lock if i were mad

 **7.11.J.D:** Still Fuck

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ll Think about the Offer but That’s All I can Promise

 **how.very.onica:** ok

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, what’s going on??????

 **how.very.onica:** just what i said, jd needs a place to stay

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah but why

 **7.11.J.D:** My Dad is an Asshole that's All I’m Saying on the Matter

 **hucklebettyfinn:** :/ okay

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, did you guys hear they’re giving out pie for a dollar at lunch today??

 **how.very.onica:** WTF I WANT SOME

 **hucklebettyfinn:** hold up, is it a dollar per pie or a dollar per /piece/

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m not sure, I’ve heard it both ways

 **7.11.J.D:** What kind of Pie are they Selling

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, people are saying all kinds of things, so some of it is just rumors

 **martha-dunnstock:** But the ones I’ve heard most often are blueberry and apple

 **7.11.J.D:** I need to save Money so if Someone could Get an Apple Pie for me at Lunch That would be Cool

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i don't get paid for shit at work but my lunch account is loaded, my time has come

 **7.11.J.D:** Thanks

 **hucklebettyfinn:** np my dude!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Don’t forget that it’s Friday, so it’s Princess Bride Night!!!

 **how.very.onica:** yesssss

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh can we watch a bunch of disney movies too?? i’m in a disney mood

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sure!! Bring the DVDs for the ones you want to watch :)

 **how.very.onica:** can't we just find them online

 **hucklebettyfinn:** mistake

 **martha-dunnstock:** VERONICA M. SAWYER WE ARE NOT WATCHING DISNEY MOVIES ILLEGALLY!!!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** BESIDES, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VIRUSES THOSE WEBSITES HAVE??????

 **7.11.J.D:** If Casa de Heather doesn't work Out for Me can I join In

 **martha-dunnstock:** Of course!!!!!!! Just make sure to come in after my parents are asleep

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:33am_

 **how.very.onica:** alright jd is at least considering staying with heather

 **red:** okay

 **how.very.onica:** you said your parents are busy a lot, right??

 **red:** yeah, like as long as rick astley can get his own food i don't think they would notice, half the guest rooms always have the door shut anyway

 **yellow:** Rick astley????

 **red:** he wore a trenchcoat in the rickroll video

 **green:** grasping at straws i see

 **red:** FUCK OFF IT WAS BETWEEN THAT AND CALLING HIM THE TNETH DOCTOR AND I DON'T HATE MYSLEF ENOU GH TO MAKE A DOCTOR WHO REFERNECE

 **how.very.onica:** you could've called him kurt cobain or like inspector clouseau

 **green:** tf is inspector clouseau

 **how.very.onica:** the guy from pink panther

 **yellow:** That’s almost as big of a reach as rick astley

 **how.very.onica:**  i know B(

 **how.very.onica:** oh i’m gonna sit with betty, martha, and jd today, we’re having pie

 **yellow:** Looks like it’s just me and heather c then

 **how.very.onica:** wait what about duke, where’s she going

 **green:** im going to mcdonalds

 **red:** ;/

 **green:** look u fucked up ur own chance at getting a milkshake dont blame me hunty

 **red:** i'll pay you

 **green:** nvm ure absolved of sin

 **how.very.onica:** lol, anyway, you guys could come sit with us if you want

 **yellow:** That would be nice!!

 **yellow:** I’m not sitting next to betty or martha on principle, but that’s still nice

 **how.very.onica:** i thought you and betty made up??

 **yellow:** Yeah we’re chill, but we’re still exes, so it's gonna be a little weird for a while

 **how.very.onica:** that's fair ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **red:** do i have to talk to lemony snicket

 **how.very.onica** : ok at this point if you guys just throw out a random name, i’m gonna assume you mean jd

 **red** : so do i have to talk to him or not

 **how.very.onica:** i mean, being nice to him might convince him to go stay with you, so it’d probably be a good idea

 **red:** damn

 **red:** i don't really do nice but i guess i can dial down on the pettiness

 **green:** stop the presses people heather chandler has elected to be less petty

 **red:** i’ll take a rain check on dragging you within an inch of your life for that

 **yellow:** If jd is going to stay with you, does that mean we aren't having a party tonight??

 **red:** i wasn't planning on having one anyway but if he moves in we’ll probably have like an impromptu housewarming

 **green:** we could set the mansion on fire

 **red:** WHY THE FUC KWOULD WE DO THAT

 **yellow:** Aesthetic

 **green:** itll be like DO IT FOR THE VINE JD

 **green:** jd chucks a grenade through the front door

 **how.very.onica:** YSIANMDNSYKSMSH MAYBE DONT DO ARSON BUT A NORMAL HOUSEWARMING WOULD PROBABLY BE COOL….

 **green:** btw i want updates while im gone theres no way im missing out on heather trying to be nice

 **red:** I KNOW HOW TO BE NICE

 **yellow:** Okay we all know that’s a blatant lie

 **yellow:** Any niceness on your part is either accidental or just basic polite behavior

 **red:** … okay you're right but STOP UNDERMNIGN MY AUTHORITY

 **yellow:** No! :3c

 **how.very.onica:** what happened to not being petty

 **red:** RAIN CHECK ON THAT UNTIL LUNCH

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:46am_

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what's up

 **7.11.J.D:** MY S AX AND MY B IKE ARE S TILL AT MY D AD’S

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, you have a saxophone????

 **7.11.J.D:** WELL NOT A NYMORE HE PROBABLY S OLD IT AND T OOK B ACK THE B IKE

 **how.very.onica:** shit that's awful wtf

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i could pay for your lunches until you save up enough for a new motorbike

 **7.11.J.D:** THANKS I G UESS

 **how.very.onica:** oh that reminds me, heather chandler and heather mcnamara are gonna sit with us at lunch today

 **hucklebettyfinn:** whyyy

 **how.very.onica:** heather duke is going to mcdonald’s and i’m sitting with you for pie, so it’d be awkward with just two people at their table

 **martha-dunnstock:** That sounds fair to me

 **martha-dunnstock:** Also, J.D., I can pay for the other stuff like dinner and snacks!! You could get breakfast through the school meal program

 **7.11.J.D:** Fuck I’m Going to need a Job

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well do you have any like marketable skills

 **7.11.J.D:** Not Really

 **martha-dunnstock:** Did you ever repair your motorbike?? Maybe you could look into working at an auto repair shop????

 **7.11.J.D:** That’s Actually a really Good Idea

 **martha-dunnstock:** Good luck!! :D

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wait how’d you get to school today without your motorbike

 **7.11.J.D:** I have Feet so I Walked

 **how.very.onica:** but you live halfway across town??????

 **7.11.J.D:** I don’t Live there Anymore Though now Do I

 **how.very.onica:** take the sass down a notch, mister

 **7.11.J.D:** Fight me Morticia

 **how.very.onica:** SHit WHO TOLD HIM ABOUT MY GOTH PHASE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you, just now

 **how.very.onica:**  RIP ME

 **7.11.J.D:** I was just Remarking on the Amount of Black you Wear

 **how.very.onica:** ok it's gotten less since i started hanging out with the heathers, at least i actually wear color now

 **martha-dunnstock:** Dark blue isn't much of a change…

 **how.very.onica:** fine i’ll start wearing different shades of blue

 **hucklebettyfinn:** mark my words, we’re gonna get you on what not to wear

 **7.11.J.D:** Come On her Taste in Clothing isn't That bad

 **martha-dunnstock:** Plus the Heathers are a pretty good fashion influence!! I mean, Veronica’s stopped wearing scarves indoors, and they got her to stop wearing the monocle

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok First of all Yikes

 **7.11.J.D:** Second of All Y IKES

 **how.very.onica:** YOU WEAR A TRENCHCOAT STOP BULLYING ME

 **7.11.J.D:** IT’S C OMFORTABLE

 **how.very.onica:** SO ARE SCARVES!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** YOU W ORE A M ONOCLE

 **how.very.onica:** I’M STILL GROWING OUT OF A HIPSTER PHASE, I’M SEVENTEEN, I’M ALLOWED TO DO DUMB SHIT

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok Truce

 **how.very.onica:** yeah truce

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Still telling The Heathers All about your Goth Phase at Lunch

 **how.very.onica:** NOOO

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ohio’s made jd so savage i’m screaming

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, he was always kind of savage. I mean, after all, he did have a motorbike when he got here

 **hucklebettyfinn:**  prooooobably shouldn't let that loss sink in more than it should

 **7.11.J.D:** :(

 **how.very.onica:** chin up, jd, at least you're getting pie out of this mess

 **7.11.J.D:** True

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:24am_

 **green:** so hows the nerd table treating u

 **yellow:** It’s alright, things aren't too awkward between me and betty so we’re chatting

 **red:** dunnstock keeps staring at me i’m about to go off

 **green:** DO IT HEATHER FILM IT

 **yellow:** Noooooo, normally I’d go along with this plan but veronica invited us over here, if we start shit it won't reflect well on us

 **green:** since when have we ever cared about that come onnn

 **yellow:** Since making a good impression on billy the kid is all that stands between him and homelessness

 **red:** okay shit i’m with heather on this one, also good nickname

 **yellow:** Thanks

 **green:** ok fine but if he ends up staying with heather we get to throw him the craziest housewarming party ever

 **red:** we’re never hiring the circus troupe again

 **green:** but y

 **yellow:** Don't you remember what a disaster that was??

 **green:** yea but it was cool

 **green:** nvm i just remembered how they drank all the punch

 **green:** u have to admit it was kinda funny to see a bunch of clowns just lounging around sipping fruit punch at a little girl’s birthday party instead of performing

 **red:** that fruit punch was mine goddamn it

 **yellow:** Okay betty’s left to apparently escort jd in the lunch line

 **yellow:** What’s up with that anyway

 **red:** what’s up with what

 **yellow:** Like, is jd broke??? Did big bud dean construction go under???

 **green:** nah thatd be on the news

 **yellow:** Then why does he need a place to stay??? And money too??

 **red:** not our business

 **yellow:** Well, it’s about to become our business if jd moves in with you

 **red:** i have money and space, it's seriously not a big deal

 **red:** and oh my FUCKING GOD CAN SOMEBODY DISTRACT DUNNSTOCK HER SHIFTY EYES ARE PISSING ME OFF

 **yellow:** On it

 **yellow:** ???? I guess she just wanted to compliment your lipstick???

 **yellow:** Why did you and her ever have that falling out, again, heather?? She seems nice enough

 **green:** tbh i dont even remember but im sure mini me had her reasons

 **red:** wasn't that around the time you started hanging out with kurt

 **green:** yea and then i ditched kurt for u two because he started hanging with the skater kids

 **green:** wait no i was a skater kid for like a month and then i went to u guys

 **green:**  rly dodged a bullet there lmao i dont think the world would ever be ready for a heather duke that smokes weed and does kickflips

 **red:** how the fuck are you typing so much, aren't you in the drive-thru

 **green:** the line was crazy long so im eating inside

 **yellow:** Are you alright??

 **green:** yea i dont have the calorie counts memorized anymore so like thats progress

 **yellow:** Yeah, that's good to hear

 **green:** i still feel a bit shitty tho tell me whats up on ur end

 **red:** jd and betty are back, they brought pie

 **red:** martha’s stopped gaping at me like a fish so that's nice

 **red:** veronica’s… veronica-ing

 **yellow:** Okay we should probably stop texting, it’ll look rude

 **green:** byeee [blowing kiss emoji] ill look at cat vines or something idk

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:52am_

 **how.very.onica:** heyy, now that jd’s officially moving into chez chandler, do you guys need help setting up anything for like a party???

 **red:** nope

 **how.very.onica:** ok! also i don't wanna assume anything so are me, betty, and martha invited

 **red:** having /someone/ around that jd already trusts to put him at ease sounds like a good idea, so you’re obviously invited

 **how.very.onica:** but what about betty and martha

 **red:** don't they have that weird movie night thing

 **green:** yea

 **yellow:** From what I know, they have it every friday and they've never skipped one

 **how.very.onica:** we skipped one freshman year because betty got her tonsils out

 **how.very.onica:** but like i think they'd rather come hang out with us??

 **red:** okay i’m not gonna lie, i don't know or particularly like betty or dunnstock, so i don't really want them there

 **how.very.onica:** :/ well i appreciate the honesty

 **yellow:** Besides, it could get kind of overwhelming??

 **yellow:** Like, you know we’re naturally overwhelming people, so I wouldn't want to make that even worse with extra people

 **how.very.onica:** ok that's a good point, i can agree to that. i’m not missing movie night at martha’s though, i’ll have betty come get me

 **green:** i could give u a ride over there if betty gets lazy and im not drunk

 **how.very.onica:** really??? thanks, that's actually really nice of you :o

 **green:** im a good driver its nbd

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:55am_

 **red:** i don't know what kind of angle you're working here but you better watch your step :///

 **green:** the angle im working is “occasionally useful friend” im not flirting

 **red:** i don't believe you

 **green:** y would i lie about that i literally dont care enough to

 **green:** and dont be ungrateful i got u a milkshake

 **red:** i know, and it was a good milkshake, but like…….. you've never been a reliable or dependable person

 **red:** so you have to have some ulterior motive wtf are you doing

 **yellow:** Heather, she's a lesbian, not a siren

 **yellow:** She’s not about to lure veronica into her jeep to make out behind your back while we entertain your new roommate

 **red:** THERE'S NO GOING “BEHIND MY BACK” VERONICA IS JUSTA F R I EN D

 **yellow:**  Heather is also just her friend??? Nothing's going to happen????

 **red:** F INE WHATEVER

 **green:** btw WTF DO U MEAN ABOUT KEEPING IT FROM GETTING OVERWHELMING I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA MAKE IT CRAZY

 **yellow:** We can play drinking games and do things that don't involve property damage

 **green:** property damage is FUN THO

 **red:** the most property damage you've ever done is break a vase

 **yellow:** Okay, that vase was in a museum, though

 **yellow:** I remember she also spilled juice on a painting that day

 **red:** okay i take it back, you have street cred again

 **green:** i probably have street cred just from being kurts friend in sixth grade

 **yellow:** Anyway, we are NOT causing any property damage at heather’s mansion!!!!!! We’re just going to drink and have a good time, and not freak jd out

 **green:** buzzkill

 **red:** we need to go to target after school and pick up some food

 **yellow:** Tarjay

 **green:** yess tarjay lets fucking gooooo

 **red:** we just need a six pack of like coke and some chips probably

 **yellow:** Can we get salt and vinegar chips

 **red:** ?? sure??

 **yellow:** #blessed

 **red:** we’re bringing jd and veronica with us too, should we ask if they want anything

 **green:** yea probably

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:01pm_

 **red:** veronica add han solo to the chat

 **how.very.onica:** ok that nickname doesn't even make sense lmao

 **green:** thats star wars indiana jones right

 **yellow:** Yeah

 **red:** he shoots guns!!!

 **how.very.onica:** lmao, i’ll add Jim

 **how.very.onica:** **him

 **green:** is that what the j stands for

 **how.very.onica:**  ummmm it actually stands for juanita :) :)

 **yellow:** The only logical answer

_how.very.onica has added 7.11.J.D to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 12:04pm_

**7.11.J.D:** No

 **green:** chill out commissioner gordon we just wanna know if u guys want anything from tarjay

 **7.11.J.D:** What the Fuck is Tarjay

 **yellow:** It’s target, we’re going there after school to get some snacks

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Good thanks

 **red:** you're coming with us to the store anyway since we’re driving you, so if you change your mind it's whatever

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok

 **yellow:** What about you, veronica???

 **how.very.onica:** i could go for some pepsi tbh

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:06pm_

 **red:** i’m morally compromised

 **yellow:** It’s not like she’s asking you to mix pepsi and coke together, she just wants you to buy her like a can

 **red:** but………… pepsi…… is shit……… i can't stand by and allow a friend do this to herself……………..

 **green:** ok listen u let me drink three cans of monster before an ap test i think u can let this slide

 **red:** it was two and a half you big baby

 **green:** it was m o n s t e r

 **red:** yeah i know but this is pepsi

 **yellow:** I don't see what the big deal is??

 **yellow:** Like, pepsi and coke taste really similar

 **red:** gET THE F UKC OUTTA MY HOUSE

 **yellow:** I’M NOT IN YOUR **MANSION??? I’M IN STUDY HALL?????

 **green:** [[david-tennant-3D-glasses.gif](http://i.imgur.com/k9F6pLz.gif)]

 **red:** AND YOU!!!! YOU COME INTO MY HOUSE!!!!! ON THE DAY MY ROOMMTAE IS TO BE MOVED IN!!!! AND YOU OFFER ME A FUCKIGNGN D OCTOR WHO GIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **green:** ITS THE FIRST THING THAT CAME UP ON GOOGLE HOW ABOUT U MCFUCK OFF

 **red:** THE AMOUNT OF DISODISEIDNECE IS STUNNING

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:09pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ??????

 **green:** heathers morally opposed to pepsi but idc ill buy u some

 **how.very.onica:** ok thanks!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Can I Leave now

 **yellow:** Yeah sure

_7.11.J.D has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 12:10pm_

**how.very.onica:** random people screaming from several rooms away is my favorite public school aesthetic

 **red:** yeah :)

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:11pm_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WHY IS HEATHER CHANDLER SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF SHE'S BEEN AT IT FOR LIKE TWO MINUTES STRAIGHT

 **martha-dunnstock:** That’s Heather screaming??????

 **7.11.J.D:** That is one Impressive Lung Capacity

 **hucklebettyfinn:** IKR

 **hucklebettyfinn:** AND LIKE RELATABLE BECAUSE I TOO HATE FRENCH CLASS BUT WHY

 **how.very.onica:** lol oops, i asked if she could buy me pepsi from target and heather duke said she could

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh my god, /that's/ what the screaming was about???

 **how.very.onica:** yeah i guess heather just really, REALLY hates pepsi

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wowww

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:12pm_

 **red:** TRAITORS!!!!! YOU'RE DEAD TO ME!!!!!

 **yellow:**  IT'S JUST PEPSI

 **green:**  PLS FIND UR CHILL

 **red:** IT’S NOT ABIUT THE PEPSI THAT’D BE RIDICULOSU YOU’Re UP TO SOMETHIGNN AND I DON’T TRUST IT

 **green:** IM LEGIT NOT

 **yellow:** If you’re really that suspicious, I can act as a chaperone whenever heather and veronica are together to ensure that nothing’s up?????????

 **green:** IDEC AS LONG AS HEATHER STOPS SCREAMING

 **red:** DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIfe fCUKCKIDHEODSMNCBHSGXSk

 **green:** ahh the sweet sweet keyboard smashing that indicates heathers phone has been confiscated

 **yellow:** Sooo should I assume that's a yes to me chaperoning you and veronica

 **green:**  probs but she might wanna do it herself

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:15pm_

 **yellow:** Heather got her phone confiscated for screaming like a lunatic

 **how.very.onica:** rip

 **yellow:** So you just want pepsi???

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, i’ll eat pretty much anything so that’s all i need specifically ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **yellow:** Okay

_**Today** 1:27pm_

**green:** this one time i went to a summer camp and i knew nobody there so the girls in my cabin tried to prank me by telling me there was a snake in my bed

 **green:** joke was on them there actually was a snake and i threw it at them lol

 **how.very.onica:** omg

 **how.very.onica:** that's a great story, but why are you telling us this

 **green:** the group chat is too quiet im too used to heather yelling at us

 **yellow:** Rt

 **how.very.onica:** rt

 **yellow:** At least there's only like an hour left before heather gets her phone back

 **green:** plus tarjay

 **yellow:** Plus tarjay

 **how.very.onica:** and the party!!

 **green:** ok honestly to be tbh im more excited for tarjay than i am for the party

 **yellow:** Yeah, we need to make excuses to visit tarjay more often

 **how.very.onica:** lol why do you say tarjay

 **yellow:** It’s target with a bad french accent, I think it's a white mom thing

 **green:**  my white mom repertoire also includes scrapbooking

 **green:** im kinda shit at it but like im getting there

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, at least you're trying?? lmao

 **yellow:** Oh, when we're at tarjay should we get any games??

 **how.very.onica:** it would be funny to see a bunch of drunk kids trying to navigate a puzzle game, so maybe portal

 **yellow:** I was thinking board games, lol, but do you need a console for that one???

 **green:** nah u can use a console but it also works for pc

 **how.very.onica:** i think betty or martha might have a pc copy we could borrow, let me ask

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:33pm_

 **how.very.onica:** hey do you guys have a pc copy of portal

 **martha-dunnstock:** Nope, sorry!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, why

 **how.very.onica:** imagine drunken heathers (and me and jd) trying to play portal

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh Jesus is This what You and the Heathers Normally do

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay i’m in, you just need to borrow my copy right

 **how.very.onica:** @betty yup, i can bring it back to you either when you come pick me up tonight or on monday

 **hucklebettyfinn:**  kay

 **how.very.onica:** @jd nah, last time it was just drinking

 **martha-dunnstock:** Besides, you only started hanging out with them last Friday, so there isn't really much of a “normally”

 **martha-dunnstock:** As well as the obvious fact that the Heathers are kind of… out there?

 **martha-dunnstock:** So I don't think the word “normal” would apply

 **how.very.onica:** yep they're nuts

 **how.very.onica:** they've been pretty nice to me lately though, especially heather duke

 **martha-dunnstock:** Really??

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, i think she's actually a lot nicer than she puts out

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ehhhh

 **hucklebettyfinn:** heather duke is sneaky, she might just be trying to get something

 **how.very.onica:** like what

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk

 **7.11.J.D:** She could be Trying to get on Heather Chandler’s Good Side by being Nice to You

 **martha-dunnstock:** Not to be mean or anything, but…

 **7.11.J.D:** This is going to Be a Doozy

 **martha-dunnstock:** Heather Chandler has a good side???? :0

 **how.very.onica:** heather chandler’s an ok person, i just don't think she really gets the whole right vs wrong thing

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt

 **hucklebettyfinn:** rt

 **how.very.onica:** and she's kind of full of herself, and she keyboard smashes too much

 **how.very.onica:** but she's nice enough to me overall?? she said i have good bone structure, and she drunk texted me that i have pretty eyes and hair

 **martha-dunnstock:** Stop me if I’m overstepping a boundary here as a straight person, but isn't that kind of a gay thing to say??

 **how.very.onica:** well, it can be, but it's hard to tell with girls, we run on casual compliments

 **how.very.onica:** besides, i’d rather she be straight up and tell me she likes me, i don't wanna assume anything and create a big awkward mess

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do you like her??

 **how.very.onica:** kinda, she's pretty but i want to get to know her a little better

 **7.11.J.D:** Speaking as your Friend if you Need me to Step Out of the Room so you two can Flirt I’m Down

 **how.very.onica:** thanks! but i think if anybody should be spending extra time with heather for now it should be you, since you're gonna be roommates

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok

 **hucklebettyfinn:** so i’m picking you up from there when you text me??

 **how.very.onica:** yeah

 **hucklebettyfinn:** should i drop off the copy of portal at heather’s after i drop off martha, or do you want to come with me and i can drop you off there

 **how.very.onica:** we’re going to target so i’ll text you when we get back to the mansion, you can drop it off there anytime after that

 **hucklebettyfinn:** alright

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:39pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ok i’ll text betty when we get back from target and she’ll drop off her copy of portal

 **yellow:** Yesss

 **green:** gott sei dank

 **how.very.onica:** dank memes

 **green:** nein i have german next so im just practicing some basic shit, that means “thank god”

 **yellow:** I have spanish next, but I suck so I’m not even gonna bother

 **green:** ure not that bad

 **yellow:** I only know how to say some colors and “I don't understand”

 **green:** its september u just started the class

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, don't beat yourself up over it, you'll get better

 **yellow:** :/ If you’re sure

_**Today** 1:56pm_

**yellow:** The teacher called on me and asked me what the word for apple is and I said “mañana”

 **green:** so whats the matter

 **yellow:** Mañana means “tomorrow,” I should’ve said “manzana”

 **how.very.onica:** at least those words are similar, it seems like an easy mistake

 **yellow:** I feel dumb anyway

 **green:** ok last year the teacher was showing us how to describe a thing in german so the person ure talking to would know wtf u mean even if u dont know the word

 **green:** so like the example she gave us to figure out on our own was “cat”

 **green:** and i yelled out “sie scheißen im boxen” (they shit in boxes)

 **how.very.onica:** omgggggg

 **yellow:** Okay that does make me feel better, thanks

 **green:** always happy to make an ass of myself for friends [peace sign hand emoji]

_**Today** 2:35pm_

**red:** i’m back, congrats on not tearing each other apart while i was gone

 **green:** speed ur ass over to the parking lot were all waiting

 **red:**  DAMN IT I WANTED SHOTGUN

 **yellow:** You should’ve called it earlier, then

 **how.very.onica:** it's not that big of a deal, i can move

 **red:** NAH WHATEVER IT'S FINE

_how.very.onica has added 7.11.J.D to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 2:47pm_

**how.very.onica:** where the fuck is everybody, how did we manage to split up so fast

 **yellow:** Oh, sorry, I’m at starbucks

 **red:** me and brendon urie are in the toy section

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok that's the Nicest Thing Anyone has Called me Ever

 **red:** don't sweat it

 **green:** lol im checking out stationary i already grabbed ur pepsi veronica

 **how.very.onica:** oh ok!! i’ve been wanting to get a new journal so i’ll come over by you, duke

 **red:** omw i just remembered i desperately want to get some pens, i need to write to my great-aunt

 **7.11.J.D:** Should we All just Go By the Stationary

 **green:** yea

 **yellow:** I’ll be there in a sec

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:16pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ok we’re back at the mansion, bring on the portal

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do you know what portal is about

 **how.very.onica:** there are puzzles and a robot with a pretty voice who calls you stupid

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sounds about right!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Isn't there Something About Cake

 **how.very.onica:** oh yeah, i can't believe i forgot about that lol

 **hucklebettyfinn:** the cake is a lie

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, I thought it wasn't

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ?? could've sworn it was

 **7.11.J.D:** Actually I think Martha’s Right

 **martha-dunnstock:** The cake was shown in the end credits!!!

 **how.very.onica:** we’ll see ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **martha-dunnstock:** So, Veronica, what time are you coming over??

 **how.very.onica:** idk it depends on how fun the party is, if it’s boring then probably 7, but if it’s fun assume anytime after 10

 **martha-dunnstock:** Okay!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Keep us posted though if anything changes!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** keep us posted in general tho, i wanna hear about drunk heathers portal shenanigans

 **how.very.onica:** i’ll do my best lol

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ll Fill In if Veronica Forgets

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, tell Pufflesnoot we miss him!!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** He’s a Dog

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, what's your point

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok Ok I’ll pass On your Pufflesnoot Love

 **how.very.onica:** the heathers have decided 3pm is too early to get drunk and play portal so we’re just gonna paint our nails, and probably get high off those fumes in the process

 **hucklebettyfinn:** put on dragon tales in the background

 **7.11.J.D:** What’s That

 **how.very.onica:** is it on netflix

 **martha-dunnstock:** I just checked, it is :)

 **how.very.onica:** but why

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if you're gonna do anything, you might as well do it while watching a weird kids’ cartoon

 **7.11.J.D:** That’s Fair but I’ve Never Seen it before will That Take Anything Away from the Experience

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don't think so, Dragon Tales is pretty easy to enjoy

 **how.very.onica:** wasn't there that one random old dragon who spoke spanish?? i think he was like their grandpa or something???

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok I’m emotionally Invested Already

_**Today** 5:02pm_

**how.very.onica:** HEATHER IS CRYING SEND HELP

 **martha-dunnstock:** D: Which one??

 **7.11.J.D:** Yellow

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wtf why

 **how.very.onica:** SHE DECIDED SHE REALLY LOVES DRAGON TALES BUT THE REST OF US WANT TO CHANGE IT, WHAT DO WE DO

 **hucklebettyfinn:** distract her with pufflesnoot or something while you put on a new show?? idfk i’m not her handler

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if that fails try booze

 **how.very.onica:** heather says it's still too early for booze so dog it is

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, which Heather????? It's really hard to follow who you mean :(

 **7.11.J.D:** The Red one

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you're her new roommate, how do you not know her last name

 **7.11.J.D:** Stop Sassing Me I don't Have to Take You to Subway

 **7.11.J.D:** … Does it Start with a C

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah

 **7.11.J.D:** Ohhh the one you were Talking About Earlier with the Drunk Texts

 **how.very.onica:** yup

 **how.very.onica:** we’re watching lilo and stitch now, turns out heather mcnamara loves this more than dragon tales

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ohhh godddd prepare for buckets of tears she really, REALLY loves that movie

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:34pm_

 **green:** dude stop glaring at me

 **red:** i’m not glaring, i’m just staring fiercely in your direction

 **green:** that is literally the exact google definition of glaring

 **red:** …

 **green:** IM NOT EVEN SITTING NEXT TO HER CHILL OUT

 **red:** okay listen

 **green:** look im not trying to steal veronica from u or anything so i dont get what ur deal is

 **red:** VERONICA’S HER OWN PEROSN THERE’S NOTHING TO STEAL FROM ME

 **green:** then y are u acting like im about to make out with her and ure about to smack me for it she isnt even my type

 **red:** WHY ARE YOU BEING SO NICE TO HER IT’S SUSPICIOUS

 **green:** ok did u notice me taking heathers phone

 **red:** YOU TOOK HER PHONE??

 **green:** yea but u didnt notice so guess what

 **red:** WHA T

 **green:** if im being sneaky ure not going to notice so the fact that ure suspicious of me over veronica means im not up to anything there

 **red:** … okay, fine, i believe you

 **red:** but why are you being so nice to her

 **green:** gee idk maybe im literally just trying to be nice to my new friend

 **red:** okay, that's the part i still doubt

 **green:** im not that much of an asshole am i

 **red:** no, like i believe that it's partially true that you're just being nice, but there's something else going on

 **green:** jfbsgdj ill tell u some other time but pls trust that im not into veronica

 **red:** fine, and delete this conversation from heather’s phone if you want

 **green:**  that was the plan

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:12pm_

 **red:** wehre teh fuck did evreybdoy go

 **green:** bahtroom numbre 5 mlilion floor 2 i neded to pee is that a crmie

 **yellow:** I’m waitng for the bathrrom

 **7.11.J.D:** Im’ in Hekl aka First Floor Kitcehn

 **how.very.onica:** i’m just in the other room setting up the game?? why is everyone so drunk already?????

 **green:** were all lihgtweights but i excepted betetr from tall dark nd shady

 **7.11.J.D:** Fukc Off

 **red:** so ar ewe goanna plag portal or what

 **green:** givje us a minute jesus crhist

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**Today** 7:16pm

 **how.very.onica:** everyone’s drunk except me

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ripppp have you started playing the game yet

 **how.very.onica:** we just started now, heather has the mouse

 **martha-dunnstock:** Which one :/

 **how.very.onica:** sorry, heather /chandler/ has the mouse. heather duke is offering me booze, she’s my favorite heather at the moment

 **martha-dunnstock:** Drink responsibly!!!!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Or at least, as responsibly as you can while drinking illegally…

 **how.very.onica:** yeah yeah, ok /mom/

 **how.very.onica:** for real tho, i feel like at least one of us should stay sober, so i’ll do it since the others are. all drunk already

 **how.very.onica:** “so when do we get to shoot things” - mac

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lmao, soon, you just gotta make it through the tutorial levels

 **how.very.onica:** heather chandler just tried and failed to put the box on the only button in the room like five times, heather duke is in control now

 **how.very.onica:** “this elevator is sexy” - duke

 **how.very.onica:** fuck we gotta actually figure shit out now

 **how.very.onica:** “this portal shit makes my head hurt” - jd

 **martha-dunnstock:** Tag yourself, I’m J.D.

 **how.very.onica:** “that’s just the booze nimrod” - chandler

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lmfao i’m chandler

 **how.very.onica:** HDIWNDYK EVERYONE JUST STARTED SCREAMING “GUN” BECAUSE THE GUN IS DOWN THERE SAME

 **martha-dunnstock:** How are you guys getting through the tutorial levels so fast??

 **how.very.onica:** heather duke is a weirdly coordinated and smart drunk

 **how.very.onica:** WE GOT THE GUN

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [clapping emoji x5]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Good job!!

 **how.very.onica:** “cool can we kill the pretty voice with this thing now” DUKE IS ME

 **how.very.onica:** “DON’T KILL HER WE’RE GETTING MARRIED” - MAC

 **martha-dunnstock:** OMG

 **how.very.onica:** “OK SHE’S EXTRA DEAD NOW” - DUKE

 **how.very.onica:** “fuck you robot i’m gonna lick the operational end of the device” - chandler

 **how.very.onica:** ok i’m just gonna fill you in on everything funny later at martha’s, jd’s getting annoyed at me for texting when i should be helping

 **hucklebettyfinn:** rip

 **martha-dunnstock:** Have fun :)

_**Today** 11:41pm_

**how.very.onica:** betty come pick me up

 **hucklebettyfinn:** alright

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:03am_

 **red:** why did veroncia have to goooo

 **green:** the mvoie night thign at marthas

 **red:** nooo but lik e she left us for tehm so we must not eb fun enoguh

 **yellow:** She’s knwon them logner so it makes sense that she’d rather go over there than babgsit our drunk asses

 **red:** soemobe make jd stop crying

 **yellow:** Your roommtae, your probe,m

 **red:** fuckkkkk

 **green:** besdijes cant u relate u were clinging onto her arm like an ocotpius when she left

 **red:** DBSKDBEHDKB DIE

 **red:**  DONT'T LTIERALY DIE BUT STOP REMNIDING ME

_**Today** 12:10am_

**red:** okay yuo can come ba ckin now

 **yellow:** What are we gonna do now

 **green:** netflix prorbably

 **red:** sounds good ot me

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:58am_

 **red:** vreonica we miss youuuu

 **how.very.onica:** lol thanks

 **red:** yo ushould hang out withj us more fotnen

 **how.very.onica:** fotnen??

 **red:** kfyen

 **red:** of t e n

 **how.very.onica:** ohh, yeah i should!! i had a great time lmao, you guys just need to stop getting wasted before me

 **red:** no prosmies

 **red:** promosies

 **red:** fuckign alcohl

 **how.very.onica:**  best way to get rid of it is to sleep it off

 **red:** mmaky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that chansaw only happens when heather is drunk dgskndhsk
> 
> nein in deiner haut will ich jetzt nicht stecken - no sucks to be u  
> meide die ungläubige - shun the nonbeliever  
> casse-toi, ta mère suce tous les ours dans la forêt - fuck you, your mom sucks [off] all the bears in the forest  
> la mort craint, vous craignez, je vous déteste - death sucks, you all suck, i hate you  
> no entiendo - I don't understand
> 
> this chapter was originally going to include more trenchcoatscrunchie roommate antics, but since it got so long, that's been pushed up to chapter 9


	9. Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> party aftermath, cheer tryouts, a lot of sneaking around, and at long last, the trenchcoatscrunchie roommate antics. also free-range, organic, hand-grown, fair trade d r a m a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took f o r e v e r holy actual shit, july keeps throwing wrenches in my plans,,,, but the chapter is finally up now so hallelujah and all that
> 
> every new chapter i have to add a tag that makes this fic seem darker than it is asfdjsgdj
> 
> there are some more references to child abuse in this chapter, and there's a vague description of a panic attack and dissociation, idk if that's something to look out for but there you go. as always let me know if anything is written inaccurately or offensively and i'll try to fix it

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:17am_

 **red:** fuckkkk it’s too early to be alive

 **green:** same

 **red:** where are you

 **yellow:** I’m in one of the guest rooms

 **green:** idk i woke up in a closet

 **yellow:** You’re a disaster

 **green:** [[dont-be-fucking-rude.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/91sW2yLJRHcE8/giphy.gif)]

 **yellow:** Don't tell me how to live my life sweaty

 **green:** i can and will

 **red** : where’s jd

 **green:** fuck if i know

 **yellow:** Last I remember, he was in one of the other guest rooms???

 **green:** btw wtf made man of steel cry yesterday

 **green:** like i was just being facetious saying it was about veronica he seemed rly upset

 **yellow:** You know, I think I heard him hiccup “veronica” a few times??? So maybe it really was about her leaving??

 **red:** i’m not telling, i’m putting him in the group chat now so don't ask him either unless you want your asses flambéed

_red has added 7.11.J.D to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 9:19am_

**red:** where are you

 **7.11.J.D:** First floor Kitchen Concocting some Hangover Cures

 **red:** fuck that, just get me some drano and end it all

 **yellow** : About me

 **7.11.J.D:** Uh

 **7.11.J.D:** The Front Door just Opened

 **red:** it’s the maids, just make your way up here and you can hole up in my room until they leave

 **7.11.J.D:** With or Without Drano

 **red:** ha ha smartass, the actual hangover cures

 **green:** so should i stay in the closet

 **green:** literal not figurative my parents already know im gay as hell

 **yellow:** Lol, I’d probably make your way up here too

 **yellow:** Like, your presence isn't suspicious like jd’s (no offense)

 **7.11.J.D:** None Taken

 **yellow:** But it’d probably be best not to let the maids find you hungover and surrounded by buckets or clothes

 **green:** yea its not a supply closet

 **7.11.J.D:** So does Green Heather Routinely end Up in Closets Every Saturday

 **yellow** : Nope, she’s usually waking up on the staircase

 **red:** FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW

 **yellow** : ?????

 **red:** TH AT’S NOT THE MAIDS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THIS BITCH

 **7.11.J.D:** OK BUT W HY

 **green:** who the shit is it then

 **yellow:** ???????????

 **red:** MR CHANDLER IS IN THE BUILDING THIS ISN’T A FUCKIGN A DRILL PEOPLE!!!!! CHOP CHOP!!!!!!

 **red:** I ALWAYS SKIP THE SATURDAY MRONING TRIP TO GRANDMA’S BUT THE OLD MAN ALWAYS PROWLS THE PLACE TO TRY AND DRAG ME ALONG ANYWYA

 **green:** im too hungover for that much caps lock this early

 **yellow:** So your parents are around sometimes????

 **red:** FUCKGIN DUH BUT THERE’S A REASON I DON'T TALK ABOUT IT

 **red:** THEY’RE KIND OF SHITTY PEOPLE

 **7.11.J.D:** O PEN THE D OOR

 **green:** like how shitty

 **green:** are we talking “no heather u cant borrow the yacht this weekend” shitty or “i drink the fermented tears of kittens at cocktail parties and my coat is lined with 101 dalmatians” shitty

 **red:** WE DON’T EVEN OWN A YACHT ASGDJGAJSN

 **7.11.J.D:** IS THAT R EALLY WHAT YOU C HOOSE TO F OCUS O N

 **yellow:** WHY ARE YOU BOTH TYPING???? YOU’RE IN THE SAME ROOM NOW???

 **red:** MR CHANDLER MAY BE GETTING OLD BUT HE HAS EARS LIKE A GODDAMN BAT

 **red:** I’M GONNA HIDE JESSE JAMES IN THE WARDROBE, YOU TWO PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP

 **yellow:** ENJOY NARNIA I GUESS???

 **green:** do u think i should fake snore to rly sell it

 **yellow:** NO

 **red:** SHUT UP HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** It Smells like Madonna Died in here

 **yellow:** Madonna is my thing, it’s probably more along the lines of marilyn monroe

 **green:** y are there any dead celebrities at all in heathers wardrobe

 **red:** LESS TYPING MORE FAKE SLEEPING

_**Today** 9:26am_

**yellow:** WHOSE PHONE IS RINGING

 **green:** ITS NOT ME

 **7.11.J.D:** IT ISN’T M INE

 **red:** MOTHER OF SHIT

 **red:** WHAT DO I DO

 **green:** ANSWER IT

 **yellow:** NO DON’T ANSWER IT, YOUR DAD WILL KNOW YOU’RE AWAKE

 **7.11.J.D** : WHO’S C ALLING

 **red:** VERONICA

 **7.11.J.D:** PICK IT U P

 **yellow:** DON’T

 **green:** IGNORE HEATHER

 **yellow:** I CAN’T BE SILNCED STOP SMOTHEIRNG ME WITH TEH SUTPID PILLOW

 **green:** N E V E R

 **red:** MAJORITY RULES I’M ANSWERING IT

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Veronica Sawyer → Heather Chandler**

_9:27am_

**HC:** [pants] Hey… Veronica…

 **VS:** You sound out of breath. Don’t tell me you’ve been making out with your pillow?

 **HC:** No! Are you kidding me?

 **VS:** [laughter] Joking, joking. How’s the hangover treating you?

 **HC:** I’m feeling about as good as I ever will. You?

 **VS:** I’m good. Me, Martha, and Betty went through, like, a huge stack of Disney movies.

 **HC:** I haven't seen any Disney movies in ages.

 **VS:** Oh, man, that’s too bad… OK, the lack of chattering in the background is freaking me out a little. Where are Thing 1 and Thing 2?

 **HC:** Fast asleep, in the guest room. I think Duke passed out on the floor in a puddle of her own drool. [distant, muffled banging sound]

 **VS:** What’s that?

 **HC:** Nothing, Tweedle Dee or Tweedle Dum probably knocked something off the nightstand.

 **VS:** O… K… So, how’s J.D. handling the move?

 **HC:** [distant, muffled banging sound] For the love of… [rustling, whispers] Shut the fuck up! [aloud] You were saying?

 **VS:** You know, you should probably cover the receiver when you're hissing at someone to shut up.

 **HC:** … Darn.

 **VS:** So who’s the young whippersnapper making all that racket, disturbing poor Granny Heather?

 **HC:** You’re older than me, smart-- mouth.

 **VS:** [snorts] Darn? Smart mouth? Golly gee, Heather, you’re sure off your rocker, you wild animal you.

 **HC:** [whispers] Fuck off, I can't swear out loud or Mr. Chandler will hear.

 **VS:** Gotcha. But for real, who’s over there?

 **HC:** Fox Mulder. You know, from X-Files? Wears a trenchcoat? Come on, don’t tell me you haven't seen X-Files.

 **VS:** X-Files nicknames now? Nice. Makes me feel like a secret agent. Do I get to be Scully?

 **HC:** Sure. I think Mulder’s cooler, though. He’s-- he’s, uh, he's more stable.

 **VS:** Is that a dig at my personality, or are you saying J.D.’s doing good?

 **HC:** The second one, that’s gotta be my favorite season.

 **VS:** Wait, is your dad in the room with you?

 **HC:** He gets around, you know. Kind of all over the place, everywhere at once. All-hearing, all-knowing, blah blah, spooky, whatever.

 **VS:** Your dad is lurking around?

 **HC:** Exactly. Honestly, Ronnie, you would not believe everything I have to put up with. It’s ridiculous. Like… I overhear things like, “oh, what if Mulder took a trip to Narnia?” Give me a break already!

 **VS:** J.D. is… in a wardrobe? Really?

 **HC:** Yes. I’m so glad you’re hearing me out here. Like, how is this my life?

 **VS:** [laughter] Yeah, I think it's a small miracle that I’m understanding this code shit at all. Do you have to do this often? Like, basically talking in code so your dad doesn't overhear?

 **HC:** Well, I don't know about that. I think the real bad guy is her mother.

 **VS:** Your mom’s an asshole?

 **HC:** Ugh. I’ll show you some other time, alright? I don't think I could do the whole story justice over the phone. Some things you just have to see for yourself to believe it.

 **VS:** … OK. Do you need to go?

 **HC:** No, no. Sorry for getting pissy, we can keep talking if you want. I feel like I gave you a whole lot of information you didn't ask for, though.

 **VS:** Don’t sweat it, it’s no big deal. So, are Duke and McNamara actually asleep, or are they just pretending?

 **HC:**  Sure as my name is Heather.

 **VS:** Why, though? Like, they're your guests, and not ones that parents would be dubious about.

 **HC:** OK, give me a second. Uh… [sigh] I got nothing. Should I just say it?

 **VS:** Probably?

 **HC:** [whispers] My parents go visit Grandma every Saturday. I lock myself in my room so they think I’m asleep, so I don't have to go. If I have two guests awake in the next room, then they’ll figure I’m up too, and they’ll make me go.

 **VS:** That’s it? You’ve got two friends playing opossum and one in the wardrobe, just because you don't want to visit your fucking grandmother?

 **HC:** It’s not like that! [whispers] Believe me, I have my reasons.

 **VS:** Fine, I won't push it. But only because you’ve taken in J.D. and Pufflesnoot.

 **HC:** [long pause] … OK, the coast is clear, Mr. Chandler’s gone. I just saw his car pull out of the driveway.

 **VS:** Why do you say Mr. Chandler instead of Dad or something?

 **HC:** It’s a long story, let’s save it for another time.

 **JD:** [distantly] Veronica’s still on the line? I thought you were going crazy and talking to yourself.

 **HC:** Eat shit.

 **VS:** Can you put me on speaker?

 **HC:** Sure, whatever. [button beeps, rustling]

 **JD:** Greetings and salutations.

 **VS:** Yo, J.D., how’s my favorite gunslinger?

 **JD:** Better, now that I’m out of the wardrobe. Jesus Christ, what kind of industrial-strength perfume do you have on your clothes?

 **HC:** [distantly] Hey, blame the maids, not me, Tex. That’s the weird detergent you’re smelling.

 **VS:** Shouldn’t you be telling two certain someones to stop pretending to sleep?

 **HC:** [distantly, fading out] Yeah, yeah, whatever…

 **VS:** Take me off speaker?

 **JD:** [button beeps]

 **VS:** Tell me straight: how was the party?

 **JD:** It was fine.

 **VS:** [disbelieving silence]

 **JD:** I’m telling the truth!

 **VS:** [extended disbelieving silence]

 **JD:** … OK, the Heathers were fine, the party was fine, but I’m not. Are you happy now, counselor?

 **VS:** Drop the attitude, J.D., I’m just trying to be a friend. You know, friends? We help each other out?

 **JD:** You know, that’s kind of funny, because I don’t seem to remember asking for your help. Maybe I don’t need it after all. You can stop wasting your time, Veronica! Good day!

 **VS:** J.D.!

 **JD:** Conversation’s over, babe.

 **VS:** “Babe?” Are you fucking serious right now? J.D., don't you dare hang up the phone.

 **JD:** [distantly] Says you and what army?

 **VS:** J.D., you’re being so immature--

 **JD:** Oh, so now I’m immature, huh? Just tell me you hate me already. Come on, I know you do. Spare me the fucking heartbreak.

 **VS:** Hate you? What the fuck?

 **JD:** You’d rather spend time with Betty and Martha than with me, right? That’s why you left?

 **VS:** I left because I’ve never missed Princess Bride Night, that doesn't mean I fucking hate you--

 **JD:** Oh, does it?

 **VS:** Yes! J.D., you're one of my best friends--

 **JD:** One of them?

 **VS:** Uh, duh?

 **JD:** … You don't need to keep lying to me, you know. I'm a big boy, I can take it!

 **VS:** What the hell are you talking about?

 **JD:** Do I have to spell it out? Really? Wow. [sigh] You. Hate. Me.

 **VS:** I do not!

 **JD:** Do too!

 **VS:** I’m not gonna play this little “duck season, rabbit season” game with you, J.D., get real.

 **JD:** [aside] Was it really that obvious? Damn.

 **VS:** J.D., listen to me. Why would I land you a place to stay away from your sack of shit, asshole, abusive--

 **JD:** This conversation’s done!

 **VS:** \--father, just to ditch you as a friend? Why would I do something like that for someone I hate? Come on, tell me.

 **JD:** Fuck. You.

 **VS:** J.D.--

 **JD:** Lalala, I can’t hear you! The “end call” button is calling out to me!

 **VS:** J.D., I swear to God--

 **JD:** “Hang up the call, J.D.! Come on, you can do it! I believe in you!”

 **VS:** J.D.--

 **JD:** [mocking falsetto] J.D.! J.D., I swear to God!

 **HC:** [distantly] What the fuck are you doing?

 **JD:** Nothing!

 **VS:** J.D., please--

 **JD:** [mocking falsetto] J.D., pl--

 **VS:** JASON!

**Call Ended**

_9:38am_

\--  
****

**the “veronica fucked up” cleanup crew**  
****

_**Today** 9:39am_

_how.very.onica has added hucklebettyfinn and martha-dunnstock to the conversation._  
****

_**Today** 9:39am_

**how.very.onica:** i really fucked up

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what did you do

 **martha-dunnstock:** ??? What’s going on??

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why are you texting us? Didn't you just go outside to make a call?

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, i went outside to make the call, then everything blew up in my face, and i fucked up, so now i’m heading over to try and make it right

 **hucklebettyfinn:** where are you going

 **how.very.onica:** heather chandler’s mansion

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you can't drive though, do you want me to come down and take you

 **hucklebettyfinn:** like i gotta go home soon anyway so

 **how.very.onica:** i’m taking the bus

 **hucklebettyfinn:** N OOOOO

 **martha-dunnstock:** VERONICA, YOU HAVE SO MUCH LEFT TO LIVE FOR!!! DON’T SUBJECT YOURSELF TO PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** I’M COMING DOWN THERE RIGHT NOW AND IF YOU’RE ON THAT BUS WHEN I REACH THE DOOR I’M COMING AFTER YOU

 **how.very.onica:** ughhhh

 **martha-dunnstock:** Let me know how it goes, okay???

 **how.very.onica:** sure thing, martha, i swear i’ll bring you up to speed later ok

 **martha-dunnstock:** Stay safe, you two… !!

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
** ****

_**Today** 9:43am_

_red has removed 7.11.J.D from the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 9:43am_

**red:** i don't suppose you could tell us why one second jd was yelling in the third person, in a falsetto, and now is just kind of sitting there breathing heavily and staring at his hands

 **how.very.onica:** ok it’s really not my place to dish out all the information

 **red:** well the only person qualified to is having some sort of breakdown in my bedroom so

 **how.very.onica:** it is really aggressively not my place

 **yellow:** We can't get him help unless you tell us what you did to freak him out

 **green:** like rly it cant be that bad

 **how.very.onica:** it’s pretty fucking bad you guys, i’m on my way over right now to try and apologize

 **red:** that's probably literally the worst thing you could be doing, don't bother

 **how.very.onica:** well i need to do /something/ about it

 **red:** just go home. i’ll see what i can do

 **green:** so should me and heather go home too

 **yellow:** I’m already heading downstairs

 **red:** yeah, go home

 **green:** are u sure u can handle this on ur own heather

 **red:** what the hell kind of roommate would i be if i couldn't

 **how.very.onica:** idk, an average one??

 **red:** chandlers don't do average

 **how.very.onica:** … can we drop off a slushie for him

 **red:** why

 **how.very.onica:** he likes slushies so maybe having one would like?? cheer him up or something?? idk

 **red:** uhh sure?? i guess???? either ring the doorbell and leave it there or have someone else bring it in

 **how.very.onica:** betty can do it, i’ll stay in the car

 **red:** okay

_**Today** 12:22pm_

**how.very.onica:** do you think it's ok for me to text him now

 **red:** he's still kind of shaken up so i wouldn't bring up the argument, just ask him how he's doing and carry on like nothing happened

 **how.very.onica:** i need to apologize eventually tho

 **red:** he doesn't seem ready to forgive you yet so just talk to him like you normally would

 **red:** you can apologize later

 **yellow:** Are you guys still gonna hang out with me at cheerleading tryouts

 **green:** yea

 **red:** what

 **yellow:** I’m the captain, I have to judge tryouts

 **red:** shit, i’m gonna have to pass but i’ll make it up to you, swear on my life

 **yellow:** Eh, it isn't that big of a deal, it's fine

 **green:** nah its kind of a big deal

 **red:** yeah i know, it's just that i have other shit to handle

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:26pm_

 **how.very.onica:** hey, does anyone know where to find the answer to number 5 on the english thing fleming gave us

 **7.11.J.D:** Sparknotes

 **how.very.onica:** cool, thanks

_**Today** 12:30pm_

**how.very.onica:** uhhhhh where on sparknotes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** how is english your best subject

 **how.very.onica:** idk, fleming’s practically in love with me, she thinks i’m brilliant

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, you are, didn't you score crazy high on an IQ test last year??

 **how.very.onica:** well, yeah, but like

 **how.very.onica:** i’m just good at taking tests, actually applying this malarkey is where it gets me

 **7.11.J.D:** Did you Actually just Say the word Malarkey in Casual Conversation

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, throwing around words like “malarkey” just proves our point that you're smart

 **how.very.onica:** ok ok fine, i’m smart

 **7.11.J.D:** So Use your Big Brain and Learn how to Use Sparknotes

 **how.very.onica:** this is a personal attack

_**Today** 12:54pm_

**7.11.J.D:** Look at this Ugly Picture I took of Heather

 **7.11.J.D:** [uglypic.jpg]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jd’s done the impossible, folks

 **hucklebettyfinn:** he got an ugly picture of heather chandler

 **martha-dunnstock:** And lived to tell the tale!!! Lol

 **martha-dunnstock:** How did you do it???

 **7.11.J.D:** I just Snapped It When she wasn’t Looking

 **martha-dunnstock:** It was really that easy????

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah

 **hucklebettyfinn:** fucking incredible

 **how.very.onica:** nice lol

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:55pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Veronica Hates me

 **red:** okay 1) no she doesn't, 2) wtf i didn't know you could name chats with only two people in them, and 3) honestly, veronica doesn't hate you

 **7.11.J.D:** [screenshot.jpg]

 **red:** i don't follow

 **7.11.J.D:** That Response wasn't as Enthusiastic as it Could’ve Been so she must be Pretending to Care to Spare My Feelings

 **red:** why would veronica ever do that

 **7.11.J.D:** She Would if she Secretly Hated me which she Does

 **red:** okay let's say hypothetically that veronica /did/ hate you

 **red:** why would she treat you any different than she treats kurt or ram

 **7.11.J.D:** Pity

 **red:** or she genuinely gives a shit about you as her friend

 **7.11.J.D:** Well now doesn't That sound Fake as Shit

 **red:** if you don't wanna believe me that's fine and fucking dandy, but don't be an asshole to me when you're the one who roped me into this conversation

 **7.11.J.D:** Don't you have Something to be Doing

 **red:** uh yeah, cleaning up after your inconsiderate ass

 **7.11.J.D:** Excuse Me

 **red:** the kitchen looks like ground zero

 **7.11.J.D:** There was like Two Containers on the Counter it’s Not that Bad

 **red:** you left three cupboard doors open and you spilled something on the floor

 **7.11.J.D:** Whatever I’m feeding Pufflesnoot and Then I’m taking him Out for a Walk

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:07pm_

 **yellow:** There’s like nobody here ;/ I hate when people are late

 **red:** i blame the underclassmen

 **yellow:** Actually, the only people on time are us and the underclassmen

 **how.very.onica:** i blame not the underclassmen but rather a society that tells its youth that the answers are on the mtv video games

 **green:** wtf are u talking about

 **how.very.onica:** lol, fleming gave us some weird eulogy to read for extra credit the other day, i’m making fun of one of the lines

 **how.very.onica:** any juniors or seniors showing up fashionably late??

 **green:** uhh that girl courtney is here

 **how.very.onica:** country club courtney??

 **red:** why specify that it's country club courtney, there's only one courtney at westerberg

 **green:** maybe there are courtneys at other schools teaming up with her to make a rival gang of courtneys to boot us from the top of the food chain

 **yellow:** What the fuck

 **red:** this isn't the outsiders, honey

 **green:** ;(

 **yellow:** Whatever, I should probably get this thing rolling

 **how.very.onica:** i can't really imagine mac ordering around a bunch of baby cheerleaders, it's a weird mental image

 **red:** how

 **how.very.onica:** like i can't reconcile gentle and pure dumpling heather mcnamara with strict cheer captain à la disney original movie

 **green:** lol u would lose ur mind if u were here cheer captain mcnamara is terrifying

 **red:** ngl i have no idea how she does it, but it makes me proud

 **yellow:** I just have a lot of pent-up rage : 3 c

 **green:** ASGDJSNDHSJ IM CRYING U SHOULDVE TOLD ME U WERE GONNA DO THAT I COULDVE FILMED IT

 **how.very.onica:** SHIT WHAT DID SHE DO

 **yellow:** I yelled at the girls to line up in alphabetical order

 **green:** DONT SELL URSELF SHORT U BASICALLY UNHINGED UR JAW AND ROARED AT THEM LIKE “ALRIGHT GIRL SCOUTS LISTEN UP I WANT UR PERKY LITTLE BUTTS LINED UP IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER IN THE NEXT THIRTY SECONDS OR IM ADDING A MANDATORY IMPROV DANCE ROUTINE TO FINISH OFF EVERY LAST ONE OF UR TRYOUTS IS THAT CLEAR”

 **how.very.onica:** AGDISBDGSJSN FAVE

 **red:** ATTA GIRL :’)

 **yellow:** I would've sworn a lot more but we have our coach supervising, so

_**Today** 1:32pm_

**yellow:** Tears tally: freshmen, 8; sophomores, 2 (I’m proud of them); juniors, 11; seniors, 5

 **red:** the juniors need to step up their game

 **how.very.onica:** wait what does that mean

 **green:** its how many times heather made someone cry by grade

 **how.very.onica:** isn't that sort of a mean to keep track of

 **yellow:** Hey, I comforted all of them right after, it's fine

 **yellow:** I just knock their egos down a peg so they remember who’s captain

 **green:** yea if they make the team it keeps them from trying to do anything stupid or fancy that injures people

 **how.very.onica:** ohh, that makes sense i guess

 **green:** anyway check out my face i feel hot today

 **green:** [[selfie.jpg](https://www.instagram.com/p/tBOq6OJ0V3/)

 **yellow:** Okay you look nice, but less selfies, more helping me usher out the girls

 **red:** you’re wearing black and white???? really???

 **green:** yea what about it

 **red:** black and white are for weddings, funerals, and middle school choir boys

 **green:** ok if im a middle school choir boy then so be it lmao i can already do a falsetto lets go sing to old people and drink juice boxes

 **how.very.onica:** your hair looks nice!!!

 **how.very.onica:** and where did you get glasses like that :o wow

 **yellow:** Magic

 **yellow:** Now hurry up and move your ass, heather, some of these girls are getting lippy with me and you have the better comebacks

 **how.very.onica:** the true meaning of friendship

\--  
****

**Straight Outta 7/11  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:46pm_

_hucklebettyfinn has named the conversation “Subway Justice™”.  
****_

_**Today** 3:46pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** we’re all too gay (except martha) to have the group chat name be “straight outta 7/11” for this long

 **martha-dunnstock:** That’s true

 **martha-dunnstock:** So how is everyone’s Saturday going?????

 **7.11.J.D:** Well I’m not living on the Streets so Things Could be Worse

 **martha-dunnstock:** I hope things get better for you soon!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Thanks Martha

 **how.very.onica:** i’m doing homework, so getting murdered would be pretty cool right about now

 **hucklebettyfinn:** rt

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt except I’m Not doing Homework

 **martha-dunnstock:** You should!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** I will Eventually

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if you explained the sudden homelessness thing to your teachers i bet they'd let you skip homework for like a week

 **7.11.J.D:** I Could but Also I could Die

 **7.11.J.D:** And you Know Ms Fleming she’d start a Fund for Me or Something

 **martha-dunnstock** : Would that be such a bad thing though??? It would help you pay for food, and you could put some of it toward replacing your motorbike

 **7.11.J.D:** I don’t appreciate Handouts

 **how.very.onica:** plus it's ms fleming, people would avoid donating just because they hate her

 **martha-dunnstock:** :/

 **how.very.onica:** you know i’m right tho

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, well, that doesn't mean I have to like it

 **hucklebettyfinn:** we should probably stop dwelling on negative shit before one of us gets pissed off or like overly sad

 **martha-dunnstock:** Do you mean depressed????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah that's the word

 **7.11.J.D:** Good Plan

 **hucklebettyfinn:** … now what

 **how.very.onica:** idk

 **7.11.J.D:** Why are we so Bad At This

 **martha-dunnstock:** How is Pufflesnoot????

 **7.11.J.D:** He’s Living like a Rockstar

 **hucklebettyfinn:** does that include the heavy drugs and sex scandals or

 **how.very.onica:** AGDKSBDUSNSGJS BE TYT WAHT THE FUCC

 **martha-dunnstock:** BEATRIZ LUCILA FINN!!!!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** YOU CAN’T GUILT ME LIKE THAT I HAPPEN TO LIKE MY FULL NAME

 **martha-dunnstock:** >:(

 **7.11.J.D:** [knife emoji]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** LMFAO DAMN

 **how.very.onica:** APOLOGIZE FOR SLANDERING PUFFLESNOOT’S PURE NAME

 **hucklebettyfinn:** SORRY NOT SORRY GSKAVSJSN

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:30pm_

 **green:** ohhhhhh my goddddd i hate the apple store so much u dont even know

 **yellow:** What’s going on

 **7.11.J.D:** I just Realized that I’m Still in this Chat From Earlier so uh I’ll Go

 **red:** mmkay

_7.11.J.D has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 7:31pm_

**green:** anyway my dads phone battery sucks major ass so were in my own personal hell trying to get it fixed

 **red:** it’s the apple store, it can't be that bad

 **green:** three kids from three separate families are screaming and so help me fuckin god if they set off the baby in the corner im gonna declare war on apple for letting this happen to me

 **green:** and the lights are too bright this place is tiny and cramped like u rly dont need this many lights

 **yellow:** Lmao, but you woke up in a closet this morning???

 **green:** yea but it was a walk-in closet it was practically a kids bedroom

 **red:** you know, jj abrams would have a fucking /field day/ filming in an apple store, think of the lens flare

 **green:** whos that

 **yellow:** Get out of my house

 **yellow:** Begone

 **yellow:** Leave this place

 **yellow:** [Scar from lion king voice] run away and never return

 **red:** stop making lion king references they're only funny when they aren't overused

 **green:** listen u know i dont know star wars so if it's a star wars thing im lost

 **red:** jj abrams directed the new star trek movies and most of the shots are in the ship which is white so the lighting causes lens flares and jj thinks they're cool or something

 **green:** same thing

 **yellow:** Technically no, but he /is/ directing the new star wars movie, so

 **green:** see this is y i need u guys to tell me these things

 **red:** it was star trek tho not star wars

 **green:** either way i wasnt a space kid i was a dinosaur kid jurassic park was my shit

 **yellow:** Is that why you like the color green so much???

 **yellow:** Like I always just assumed it had something to do with your third grade weed hunt

 **green:** lmfao if anything the weed hunt was because i like the color green and im a natural born detective

 **yellow:** As opposed to a detective cloned in a test tube????

 **green:** [surgical mask emoji] outta here with that space shit

 **red:** jurassic park did cloning

 **green:** …

 **green:** [[gtgchicken.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/700728727919919106/zIGmXCk6.jpg)]

 **green:** wait i can settle this

 **yellow:** ??????

 **yellow:** What are you talking about

 **yellow:** OH

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:36pm_

 **green:** veronica were u a space kid or a dinosaur kid

 **yellow:** S AY SPACE SAY SPACE SAY SPACE

 **green:** STOP SKEWING MY RESULTS U FUCK

 **red:** your /scientific/ results???? :)

 **green:** LISTEN HERE U LITTLE SHIT THIS IS A CTAEGORICAL OPINION SURVEY IF ITS ANYTHING ITS MATH

 **yellow:** MATH IS BORING AND GROSS

 **yellow:** AND YOUR SURVEY SUCKS BECAUSE SPACE IS BETTER

 **how.very.onica:** oh shit lol i like both

 **yellow:** FUC

 **how.very.onica:** i can ask the subway justice™ crew to weigh in tho

 **how.very.onica:** btw this space vs dinosaur discourse is good

 **how.very.onica:** it’s always nice to see people talking about the real hard-hitting questions B)

 **green:** y didnt u just use the sunglasses emoji

 **yellow:** Stop questioning veronica’s life choices

 **how.very.onica:** yeah this is honestly such a toxic space you guys B(

 **how.very.onica:** idk if i can handle this sort of judgment B( B(

 **red:** so are you gonna ask dork squad or what

 **how.very.onica:** oh yeah

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:39pm_

 **how.very.onica:** quick, the heathers want me to settle something, were you space kids or dinosaur kids

 **hucklebettyfinn:** space

 **7.11.J.D:** Dinosaur Kid

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh man, I was neither of those… D:

 **how.very.onica:** ok thanks anyway!! [thumbs up emoji]

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:42pm_

 **how.very.onica:** alright we have one vote for space, one for dinosaur, and one for neither

 **yellow:** HA

 **red:** SUCK ON THAT DINOSAUR HOE

 **green:** MCFUCK OFF I THOUGHT VERONICA WAS GONNA SAY DINOSAUR SO ITD BE A TIE

 **green:** AND IM STILL STUCK IN THE APPLE STORE ALL BECAUSE APPARENTLY MY DADS PHONE BATTERY IS ACTUALLY A POTATO

 **how.very.onica:** wait really lmfaooo

 **green:** IT WAS A FIGRUE OF SPEECH AGDKSNYFKSNGFKDN

 **yellow:** I thought it was a portal reference

 **red:** there weren't any potatoes in portal???????????

 **yellow:** The second one has a potato

 **red:** T HERE’S A SE COND ONE?????

 **yellow:** Yeah??????

 **red:** IFT OMORROW WEREN'T SUNDAY AND WE DIDN'T HAVE HOMEWORK WE WOULD SO BE PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW JUST SO YOU JNOW

 **green:** ok so i guess were making an impromptu trip to gamestop on the way home friday

 **how.very.onica:** so heather’s mansion is home now?? lol

 **yellow:** It might as well be, we’re there all the time

 **how.very.onica:** ok knowing you guys i have no idea how much of an exaggeration that is

 **yellow:** Tbh we just kind of show up randomly with no warning on weekdays, and we constantly make plans for friday nights

 **yellow:** Like we normally clear out before like 9ish on saturday mornings though, so we had no idea about the weekly trip to grandma chandler’s [eyes emoji]

 **red:** i already apologized for forgetting let me live

 **green:** never

 **yellow:** I’m gonna hold this grudge until the day I die

 **red:** alright i’d be pissed off right now but i’m too proud of your pettiness

 **green:** im pettier than the pet store right by ur mansion u werent remotely aware of

 **red:** FHSIBFUWKDBSJDNN

 **how.very.onica:** ahhhhh the signature heather chandler keyboard smash, feels good feels organic

 **yellow:** Makes me feel right at home

 **red:** GET OUT OF HERE YOU HIPPIES

 **green:** wow the next generation of town hippies is so promising it gives me faith in humanity again

 **how.very.onica:** nah we could never replace ms fleming

 **how.very.onica:** like we’re annoying but i don’t think we rival lady phlegm, she's on a whole different level

 **yellow:** Who are you calling annoying :3c

 **how.very.onica:** [[gtgchicken.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/700728727919919106/zIGmXCk6.jpg)]

 **yellow:** >:3€

 **green:** the thrill of the chase

 **red:** more like furries in the wild

 **how.very.onica:** i’m not a furry, you furry

 **yellow:** Sounds like something a furry would say

 **green:** BSKSMYDJWNS OK BUT THAT REMINDS ME KURTS LEGIT A FURRY

 **how.very.onica:** REALLY???????

 **yellow:** WHAT THE UFKC

 **red:** GDKSBDUWKGDISNDHDM TAHT SOUNDS FAKE BUT I WANT IT TO BE TRUE SO BAD

 **green:** ok let me backtrack its a rumor being spread by mathletes so idk the truth factor but im pretty sure kurt googled furries once in my presence

 **how.very.onica:** i watched this thing the other day that was talking about memories, and like false memories can be created after an incident if something is suggested to you

 **how.very.onica:** so your brain could’ve made that memory to back up the kurt being a furry thing after you heard the rumor

 **yellow:** I’m going to pretend I didn't read those last two messages and bask in the glory of kurt being a #confirmed furry

 **red:** tag yourself i’m mac

 **how.very.onica:** come on, you can't tell me that you honestly think ram would date a furry

 **green:** maybe ram doesn't know

 **how.very.onica:** there's no way ram /wouldn't/ know, they hang onto each other like baby koalas, or those sticky things you get from the dollar store and throw at the walls

 **green:** that simile was weakened by the add-on but the first part was good i give u a c

 **red:** veronica why do you want to deprive us of friendly neighborhood furry kurt kelly so much

 **how.very.onica:** it would be really funny if it were true, but gossip and rumors are just mean, we could be ruining his reputation

 **red:** [[nofunrobot.jpg](https://eveningthescore.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/no-fun.jpg)]

 **yellow:** I thought you hated the guy???

 **how.very.onica:** i dislike him, but i don't want him to get pushed around for having a weird hobby, especially if it isn't even true

 **green:** oh relax hes got ram to be his human shield if the rumor gets out of hand

 **yellow:** And if shit really hits the fan, we could back him up

 **how.very.onica:** ok, ok, that's fair

 **red:** [[barney-stinson-confetti.gif](http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/nph-clap.gif)]

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:55pm_

 **green:** that was gay

 **red:** HOW IS USING A HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER GIF GAY

 **yellow:** Neil patrick harris is a gay icon

 **red:** HE’S STRAIGHT THOGUH

 **green:** in what world

 **yellow:** Heather, he has a husband and two kids

_**Today** 9:27pm_

**green:** some say that if u listen closely u can still hear her screaming

 **yellow:** I’m screenshotting this for when they get married in seven years

 **red:** WE’RE NOT GETTING MARRIEC BECUAUSE I'M NOTGAY

 **red:** ND HWY IST HAT NUEMBR SO PRECISE

 **yellow:** I feel like neither of you will want to get married too soon in the relationship, so you’ll end up making everybody wait forever for the actual wedding, even though we all know you’re basically soulmates

 **green:** u put way too much thought into that one text im yelling

 **red:** GDTSKFTISNCTSOKDYSOEMGXISK

 **red:** YOU TWO ARE MY LEAST FAVORITE PEOPLE

 **yellow:** Are we really worse than kurt and ram????

 **red:** okay no but WHY ARE YOU PULLING ON MY DICK

 **green:** ive heard a lot of weird heatherisms over the years and i pride myself on being able to translate them quickly

 **green:** “fuck me gently with a chainsaw” is simple enough its just like “oh come on” or “uve gotta be shitting me” and “pillowcase” is another way to say someones a pussy

 **green:** but what in the ever-loving fuck does that even MEAN ADFHAKCHSKL

 **yellow:** It’s not that hard to understand, I got it

 **green:** WTF IS IT

 **red:** don’t tell her, let her stew in the failure for a few minutes

 **green:** FUCK U

 **yellow:** Lol it’s just a way to say “what are you playing at, asshole”

 **green:** THEN Y NOT JUST SAY THAT

 **yellow:** Aesthetic

 **yellow:** Anyway what are the answers to the study guide

_**Today** 9:53pm_

**yellow:** [[don’t-be-fucking-rude.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/91sW2yLJRHcE8/giphy.gif)]

 **red:** i shared them on google drive

 **yellow:** Oh okay, thanks

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:14am_

 **7.11.J.D:** Um

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh God Please be Awake

_**Today** 2:17am_

**7.11.J.D:** Sorry in Advance

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **7.11.J.D:** HEATHER

 **red:** WHAT DO YOU WANT

 **7.11.J.D:** S ORRY BUT S OMEONE IS I N THE M ANSION

 **red:** THE FUCK

 **red:** SHTI

 **red:** THAT’S MRS CHANDLER WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE

 **7.11.J.D:** I’M J UST AS C ONFUSED AS Y OU A RE

 **red:** FUFCK

 **red:** HIDE UNDER THE BED, PUT YOUR PHONE ON SILENT, I’LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT’S SAFE

 **7.11.J.D:** WOULD IT R EALLY BE T HAT S ERIOUS IF I’M F OUND

 **red:** JUST DO IT YOU STUBBORN LITTLE ASSHOLE

_**Today** 5:43am_

**red:** okay it should be fine now

_**Today** 5:46am_

**red:** WAKE UP SLUTBAG

 **red:** SHITHEAD

 **red:** DUDE

 **red:** GSDHGUYDIGUWEBDSKFJOFM

 **red:** i’m gonna start playing troye sivan at full volume in 3

 **red:** 2

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m up I’m Up jesus Fuck

 **7.11.J.D:** Why was your Mom Here so Early Anyway

 **red:** okay never call her my mom again, but mrs chandler keeps freakish hours going to like cocktail parties and fancy dinners for her company 24/7

 **red:** like she normally doesn't show up until about now so this is weird

 **7.11.J.D:** why do you refer to your parents like that

 **red:** because they're barely a mom and dad, they're never around and when they are they just try to make me miserable

 **red:** so they get to be called parents on technicality but anything nicer is stretching it

 **7.11.J.D:** I Wish that my Dad was Around Less Tbh

 **7.11.J.D:** Actually if he could just Drop Dead that would be Awesome

 **red:** what brand of evil is big bud dean anyway

 **7.11.J.D:** I don't want to Talk about it

 **red:** if you change your mind let me know, i’m a horrible bitch but i can keep a secret

 **7.11.J.D:** And What is That supposed to Mean Exactly

 **red:** it means i’m not about to go around and tell everyone you want big bud dean to be big bud dead

 **7.11.J.D:** Um Thanks

 **7.11.J.D:** I Think

 **7.11.J.D:** I noticed A Lot of Crosses in this Guest Room what’s Up with That

 **red:** if you weren't my new roommate i’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but this is probably something you should know, so

 **red:** my parents are really religious, but not the good kind

 **7.11.J.D:** Children of the Corn Religious Carrie’s Mom Religious Or What

 **red:** i haven't seen either of those, they kind of police what i watch

 **7.11.J.D:** Is That why you haven't Seen any Disney Movies in A While

 **red:** yeah, i’ve only ever watched them at duke or mac’s houses

 **red:** okay based off of google i’d say they’re milder versions of carrie’s mom

 **7.11.J.D:** Sorry if I’m Prying

 **red:** it’s fine, you’re living here now so i’d rather spill it all now than have them catch you trying to be nancy drew

 **7.11.J.D:** Can’t I be Encyclopedia Brown or Something

 **red:** no

 **red:** wait nvm you do have a weird resemblance forget that "no"

 **red:** HIS NAME WAS LEROY???????

 **7.11.J.D:** Let’s Do this LEEROYYYYYY JEEEENKIIINS

 **red:** never speak to me again

_**Today** 7:21am_

**7.11.J.D:** Where’s the Shampoo

 **red:** in the shower…???????????

 **7.11.J.D:** Well it’s Not Here

 **red** : which bathroom are you in

 **7.11.J.D:** Perv

 **red:** I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU LOCATE THE SHAMPOO NOT YOUR G SPOT GET OVER YOURSELF

 **7.11.J.D:** Lmao

 **7.11.J.D:** First Floor

 **red:** well that explains it

 **red:** we don't use the first floor bathroom, it’s two flights of stairs away from the bedrooms

 **red:** christ, where’s your common sense

 **7.11.J.D:** The Second floor bathroom Didn’t Have a Shower

 **red:** which means that you should go to the third floor bathroom

 **7.11.J.D:** I Hate this Stupid Labyrinth Hellhole

 **red:** honestly? me too

_**Today** 7:43am_

**red:** if you're not out of the shower at this point you better run

 **7.11.J.D:** Find your Chill Maybe

 **red:** no i’m not joking literally run mrs chandler is back, she’s getting ready for church at 9

 **7.11.J.D:** [[naked-and-afraid-title-card.jpg](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/bc/Naked_%26_Afraid_logo.jpg)]

 **red:** YOU HAD TIME TO GOOGLE THAT BUT NOT TO PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON AND RUN???

 **7.11.J.D:** My Clothes Are in the Dryer on the Second Floor

 **red:** SO GRAB A TOWEL

 **7.11.J.D:** WHAT IF SHE N OTICES IT’S G ONE OR MY C LOTHES IN THE L AUNDRY R OOM

 **red:** I’LL SAY IT WAS IN MY ROOM, AND SHE HASN’T BEEN IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM IN LITERAL YEARS

 **7.11.J.D:** MAIDS T HOUGH

 **red:** … shit

 **red:** go to the guest room with the towel, lock the door so her hungover ass doesn't walk in thinking it’s the master bedroom, i’ll sneak down and get your clothes

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:47am_

 **red:** please tell me one of you knuckleheads moonlights as a spy

 **green:** i wish i had the stealth for espionage lol i cant sneak for shit

 **yellow:** I think I could do well in that sort of job, the cheerleading might give me a leg up on combat techniques :0

 **how.very.onica:** why are you all up so early, it’s sunday

 **yellow:** WE WILL NEVER SLEEP

 **green:** ‘CAUSE SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK

 **red:** FINE I’LL FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_  ** _8:_ _03am_

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ve been Sitting here in a Towel for like Twenty Minutes Where Are You

 **red:** i’m on my way up there still, idk if mr chandler is here or not so i can’t make any sound just in case

 **7.11.J.D:** :/ there's No Way you've been Sneaking for the Whole Twenty Minutes

 **red:** fine, you want honesty? i had to get dressed and make sure i look good before retrieving your shit

 **7.11.J.D:**  What the Fuck Why

 **red:** some of us take pride in our appearance around here!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Not That much Pride Though

 **red:** whatever, open the stupid door

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:09am_

 **red:** invite me somewhere so i don't have to go to church

 **how.very.onica:** oh, i didn't know you were religious???

 **red:** i’m not, my parents are, which is why i don't want to go

 **green:** whats with ur parents suddenly being around did they get fired

 **yellow:** They’re ceos, I’m not sure they /can/ get fired

 **yellow:** Hold on, let me google it

 **how.very.onica:** you could probably come over to my place to study or something if you want??

 **how.very.onica:** oh, and jd too, if he can sneak out without being seen

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:11am_

 **yellow:** [[it’s-happening-the-office.gif](https://az616578.vo.msecnd.net/files/2016/05/03/6359789184378759591864135695_635977326325831674496257884_omg%2520its%2520happening.gif)]

 **green:** IM SCREECHING

 **green:** ok thats a lie but IM SCREECHING FROM THE HEART

 **red:** SKSBDYSKN SHUT UP I NEED TO STAY COOL

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:13am_

 **red:** YES!!! that would be AWESOME LET’S FUCKING STUDY

 **how.very.onica:** cool! i’ll let my parents know

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:14am_

 **red:** so how good are you at sneaking around

 **7.11.J.D:** Welllllllll

 **red:** i’m gonna take that as “i’m great at it, heather, why do you ask”

 **red:** you’re gonna need to sneak out and meet me at my car by 8:20, we're going to veronica's to study

 **7.11.J.D** : I can Do It in a Minute

 **red:** the faster you go the more likely it is you’ll fuck up, be smart about it

 **7.11.J.D:** K

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:16am_

 **green:** LETS FUCKING STUDY

 **yellow:** That’s my new favorite thing heather’s ever said in her entire life

 **yellow:** My pores are clear, the sun is shining, heather is really gay, everything is how it should be

 **red:** NOT. GAY.

 **red:** TALKING TO MRS CHANDLER NOW DON’T TEXT ME.

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:34am_

 **how.very.onica:** [[caveman-spongebob.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/736589204696772608/iIPa_ArU_400x400.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** when a cute girl and your only close guy friend show up at your house early and you haven't even put on pants

 **7.11.J.D:** Sorry

 **hucklebettyfinn:** stop saying you’re not wearing pants when you’re just wearing pajamas, this is deceit

 **how.very.onica:** my pjs right now are underwear, checkmate sjws (subway justice™ warriors)

 **martha-dunnstock:** ?????? Why?????

 **how.very.onica:** our air conditioning sucks

 **7.11.J.D:** Uhhhh We can Come back Later

 **how.very.onica:** nooo it’s fine, i’ll just be a few minutes

 **how.very.onica:** … ok maybe twenty if i’m honest

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Cool we can Walk Pufflesnoot in the Meantime

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ooh, can you bring him over by my house???? I’ve been missing him!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[crying-seal.jpg](http://oi65.tinypic.com/34obh38.jpg)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty, you can come over too, if you want!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nahhh then i’d have to get dressed and drive over there, and not get eaten alive by werewolf little red riding hood

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i just miss pufflesnoot

 **7.11.J.D:** I didn’t Expect to Read the phrase “Werewolf Little Red Riding Hood” Today but I didn't expect to Shimmy Down the Gutter Either

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHY ARE MY FRIENDS SO RECKLESS?!?!?!?!?!?!

 **7.11.J.D:** I want to Die All Day Every Day

 **7.11.J.D:** … Joke

 **martha-dunnstock:** That wasn’t very funny :/

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeahh that was a little bit fucked up

 **7.11.J.D:** Fuck Please don't be Mad At Me

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m not

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, neither am I, we’re just worried about you

 **7.11.J.D** : *concern.exe processing…*

 **7.11.J.D:** *virus detected: concern.exe is a malevolent virus. reject concern.exe?  > yes / no*

 **hucklebettyfinn:** stop being a jerk, i’m actually putting in an effort to be empathetic

 **7.11.J.D:** Martha we’re heading Over

 **martha-dunnstock:** :/ okay

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:48am_

 **red:** so dunnstock tells me you’re being a jackass

 **7.11.J.D:** Martha wouldn't call Anyone a Jackass

 **red:** i’m paraphrasing

 **red:** at any rate why are you being such a dick

 **7.11.J.D:** I wasn't Hugged Enough

 **red:** ha ha that's so funny, not

 **red:** i’m just trying to get you to stop being an insufferable prick to everyone you encounter for no reason :)

 **7.11.J.D:** What’s Your excuse then

 **red:** ouch that hurts my non-existent feelings ;( you really got me backed into a corner now

 **red:** you can't outsmart the mythic bitch of westerberg

 **7.11.J.D:** Really Now

 **red:** fucking duh

 **7.11.J.D:** A little Birdie Told Me you Missed the word Myriad on the Vocab Quiz last Week

 **red:** cool! what the fuck does that have to do with anything!

 **red:** ohhhhh hold the phone, you almost had me there but i’ve got you all figured out now, douchebag

 **7.11.J.D:** Fight Me

 **red:** that's just it, you keep making people angry so they’ll back away because god forbid anyone tries to actually help you

 **red:** that's why you were yelling at veronica yesterday

 **7.11.J.D:** Fuck You

 **red:** that's why you keep being a douchebag to your friends

 **red:** hell, that’s why you keep pissing off kurt and ram, you want to seem like the big dog when you’re a mini fucking schnauzer

 **red:** and that’s why you’re trying to get under my skin right now

 **red:** but it's not gonna fucking work, because i can read you like one of duke’s dusty old paperbacks

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m not fucking Scared of You Heather

 **red:** my point is i know exactly why you're being a fuck, so you can stop trying to scare /me/ off, mmkay? :)

 **7.11.J.D:** Why are you Such a Megabitch

 **red:** because i can be

 **red:** alright, we can pick this up later, it’s study time at veronica’s now

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re the Worst

 **red:** actually i’m the best

 **red:** come on, we shouldn't keep veronica waiting [blowing kiss emoji]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) sorryyyyy
> 
> 2) "but h^3 author," you say, "why is the chapter titled mirror if there wasn't even a mirror mentioned?" i'm trying to draw like a million parallels between certain characters so i felt "mirror" was appropriate, like reflections and stuff ?? idk
> 
> 3) this story takes place in september 2015 so that's why they're referring to the force awakens as though it hasn't happened yet. idk if tfa was announced by then but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ that's as far as my dedication to keep the timeline will probably go
> 
> 4) next chapter expect heather chandler angst for real this time, the groundwork is laid so it's Soon


	10. It'll Be Very

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some good things happen but heather chandler suffers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since this chapter took approximately twelve years (aka just over a month), i made [two](http://8tracks.com/heathercubedfic/moments) [playlists](http://8tracks.com/heathercubedfic/dog-days) in addition to this chapter to make up for the wait
> 
> tw for: undetailed references to a past suicide attempt (haven't been warning for suicide thus far considering the source material, but i figure this warrants a warning), as well as parental abuse and self-blaming by a victim
> 
> edit (1/23/17) - 8tracks has succumbed to the evils of capitalism but you can listen to playlists with even more cool songs on the [Official H^3 Spotify™](https://open.spotify.com/user/heathercubedfic)

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:55am_

 **red:** don’t say i’ve never done anything nice for anyone

 **green:** lol whatre u talking about

 **red:** i’m camping out in ronnie’s bathroom so she and jd can fix whatever happened yesterday with a heart-to-heart

 **yellow:** Oh, that’s good!!! Heather does have a soul, everybody

 **red:** yeah i know it’s a miracle, whatever, but it’s so /boring/

\--  


**the “veronica fucked up” cleanup crew  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:17am_

 **how.very.onica:** ok me and jd are cool now!

 **martha-dunnstock:** !!! Good!!! What happened in the first place, though?????

 **how.very.onica:** let me bring you up to speed

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh you don't have to bring me up to speed, i’m not interested in drugs, thanks

 **how.very.onica:** betty,,, you’re the worst,,,,

 **hucklebettyfinn:** let me make jokes, it's the only thing that makes me feel alive

 **martha-dunnstock:** What about High School Musical, though

 **hucklebettyfinn:** and high school musical

 **martha-dunnstock:** And what about The Princess Bride??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** and the princess bride

 **martha-dunnstock:** And Subway????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[you-got-me-there.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/624/612/635.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** ANYWAY yesterday me and jd were arguing on the phone because he thought i was lying, so i called him by his first name so he’d know i was serious, right

 **how.very.onica:** but to say the least jd really, really didn't appreciate that because reasons, so

 **how.very.onica:** we talked it out just now though so everything’s good

 **how.very.onica:** i won’t say his first name again and i’ll try to reassure him of our friendship more, and in return he’ll let me know when he’s upset and try to trust that i’m being honest with him

 **martha-dunnstock:** What did he think you were lying about??? :/

 **how.very.onica:** ehhhh brb let me check if that’s ok for me to share

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[jeopardy-waiting-music.mp3](https://youtu.be/73tGe3JE5IU)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty, don't be rude!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **how.very.onica:** betty stop being a shit or i /will/ punt you into the fountain the next time we go to the mall

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’ll just drive you to a different mall

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica’s gonna get her driver’s license eventually!!  >:)

 **how.very.onica:** A N Y W A Y jd didn’t believe me when i said i don't secretly hate him

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait what??? Why would he think that??? D:

 **how.very.onica:** he took me leaving the housewarming party early to mean that i hated him and liked you guys better

 **how.very.onica:** idk he’s my friend so if he needs me to remind him of that from time to time i don't have a problem with it

 **hucklebettyfinn:** so should we disband this chat

 **martha-dunnstock:** I think that’d be a good idea, yeah

_hucklebettyfinn and martha-dunnstock have left the conversation.  
_

_**Today** 9:25am_

\--  


**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:38am_

 **7.11.J.D:** What the Hell are you Up To

 **red:** homework????? i’m sitting right next to you, you can just look over my shoulder

 **red:** and why text me, i’m right here

 **7.11.J.D:**  I Figured you would Appreciate some Discretion

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re being Shady

 **red:** shady???? don’t insult me, if i have a problem with somebody i fucking let them have it

 **red:** so let me have it, don't dance around it like a pillowcase

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re Sneakier than you’d Have People Believe

 **7.11.J.D:** What do you Have To Gain from Leaving The Room Earlier so Me and Veronica could Talk It Out

 **red:** [[i-can’t-read-suddenly-i-don’t-know.gif](https://m.popkey.co/872a52/ZpYK7.gif)]

 **7.11.J.D:** Answer the Question don’t Dance Around it like a Pillowcase

 **red:** ooh damn ;( you really got me ;(((((

 **7.11.J.D:** Fucking Seriously

 **red:** fine, fine, i just don't want my roommate being a mopey and annoying little bitch, i hope you're happy now

 **7.11.J.D:** You Hesitated for Too Long Liar

 **7.11.J.D:** There’s Something More to it

 **red:** okay /okay/, fine, i was helping you out because you're veronica’s friend, if you’re both pissed at each other it’s tickets to shitsville for all of us

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **red:** what do you mean “no” that’s the truth

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Still just a Part Of it

 **red:** well shit, what do you want, a written confession???

 **red:** “i, heather chandler, am the zodiac killer”

 **7.11.J.D:** Help Me Out here Did you Do it because you Like Veronica and Helping Us will put Her in a Good Mood so you can Hit On Her or Something

 **red:** waht the fuck no

 **red:** i’m straigth

 **7.11.J.D:** Cut the Crap Heather I’ve already Proven you Can’t Lie to Me but stop lying to Yourself it’s Pathetic

 **red:** EAT SHTI YOU FREAKY EMO FKUC

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok I’ll Hold Off for Now I’m pretty Sure Veronica Thinks you’re Having a Stroke Calm Down

 **red:** die

 **7.11.J.D:** Trust Me I’ve Tried

 **red:** … sorry

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Fine I get the Feeling that You’ve tried Too

 **red:** conversation time is over

\--  


**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:44am_

_how.very.onica has removed red from the conversation.  
_

_**Today** 9:44am_

**how.very.onica:** i’ll pay for insubordination or whatever later, i’m kinda worried about heather

 **green:** y

 **yellow:** What did she do

 **how.very.onica:** she was just texting someone and she got really pissed off

 **green:** thats normal

 **how.very.onica:** no i know, but then afterwards she looked really spooked

 **yellow:** Spooked??? Heather chandler??? What kind of sorcery

 **green:** ok yea thats weird

 **yellow:** Do you know who she was texting

 **how.very.onica:** no, but jd was also texting, so either they were talking to each other about something they didn't want me to hear or they’re just both in the same group chat

 **yellow:** Idk who’d be in a group chat with them so the first one sounds likely to me

 **green:** should we do anything about it

 **how.very.onica:** i don’t think we should confront her about it, it might be best to just leave it alone for now

 **how.very.onica:** she can talk to us on her own terms or we can ask her about it together if we need to intervene

 **green:** sounds like a plan

 **yellow:** I’m gonna make out like you removed heather on accident so she won’t get angry

_yellow has added red to the conversation.  
_

_**Today** 9:49am_

**yellow:** Watch what you’re pressing, veronica, you just removed heather

 **how.very.onica:** lol whoops

\--  


**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:22am_

 **7.11.J.D:** So Have you Attempted

 **red:** fuck off

 **7.11.J.D:** Work with me Here

 **red:** no, i’d be at sleepaway bible camp braiding some rando’s greasy mop right now if i had

 **7.11.J.D:** But you’ve Thought about it

 **red:** can we go back to you interrogating me about why i’m sneaky, i like that better

 **7.11.J.D:** Fine

 **7.11.J.D:** Tell me Honestly do you Like Veronica

 **red:** i mean, not romantically because i like boys but she's my friend, yes

 **7.11.J.D:** Name One boy you Like

 **red:** troye sivan

 **7.11.J.D:** Heather

 **red:** he has great music

 **7.11.J.D:** Heather come On

 **red:** does veronica like you

 **7.11.J.D:** We Both know I’m Not a Very Good Judge of That

 **red:** romantically though

 **7.11.J.D:** I Barely trust that she’s my Friend Heather how would I Know

 **red:** what if you hypothetically asked her

 **7.11.J.D:** Why would I Do That I don’t Like her that Way

 **7.11.J.D:** Ohhh You want Me to ask for Your Benefit

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **red:** … if i were hypothetically asking you to do that i’d hypothetically bring up that I HELPED YOU OUT SO HWY THE HYPOTEHTICAL FCUK N OT

 **7.11.J.D:** Is This what the Sneakiness was About

 **red:** it’s not sneaky, we’re roommates, we should help each other out

 **7.11.J.D:** That sounds Pretty Sneaky to Me

 **red:** okay, here’s me hypothetically asking you up front: can you do this for me in this hypothetical scenario

 **7.11.J.D:** There’s Nothing Hypothetical about this but Whatever Helps you Sleep At Night I guess

 **red:** hypothetical thanks

 **7.11.J.D:** If Veronica wants to Know Why I’m Asking What should I Say

 **red:** idk you’re on your hypothetical own

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re Overusing that Word it’s Basically Devoid of All Meaning

 **red:** go hypothetically fuck yourself

\--  


**Call Transcript  
**

**Jason “J.D.” Dean → Veronica Sawyer**

_11:35am_

**VS:** J.D.? You were just here, is something up?

 **JD:** Fuck, I’m bothering you, aren't I? I’ll call you back later, it’s not important.

 **VS:** Hey, remember what we talked about? It’s OK, seriously. You can call me or text me whenever need to talk to me about something. So what’s up, is something wrong?

 **JD:** [inhale] No, nothing’s wrong. Which obviously sounds fake, but… it’s not urgent.

 **VS:** So…?

 **JD:** I’ll get to the point. This is also gonna sound fake as shit, but uh, trust that I’m being honest?

 **VS:** Sure can do.

 **JD:** Right. [clears throat] Fuck, I just hate talking on the phone, but I figured it would go quicker like this, and… whatever. I’m asking for an acquaintance. That also makes it sound fake, it’s true though. I’m rambling. Fucking…

 **VS:** Take your time, man.

 **JD:** Do you like me?

 **VS:** Of course.

 **JD:** [aside] I’m an idiot.

 **VS:** No, you’re not.

 **JD:** I meant the question in a different way, I should’ve phrased it differently. My acquaintance wants to know… if you have a crush on me.

 **VS:** ... Oh. Oh.

 **JD:** I swear the question is actually from an acquaintance, we’re friends but I don’t like you that way--

 **VS:** Yeah, no, no, I only like you as a friend.

 **JD:** Thank God.

 **VS:** So… is the acquaintance cute? What are they like?

 **JD:** Well, her personality needs some work, but uh, people like her well enough, I guess?

 **VS:** What’s her personality like?

 **JD:** Sneaky. Way too sneaky.

 **VS:** [laughs] Whoever she is, she’s gonna hate you. You’re such a bad wingman.

 **JD:** Hey, it’s true, she is sneaky. I don't know her that well, but I’m pretty sure her personality is one big cover.

 **VS:** A cover? For what?

 **JD:** I don’t know. But-- I don't mean that she’s a two-faced bitch. I mean that she’s nicer than she wants people to think. She feels like she has to be sneaky.

 **VS:** You say you don't know her very well, but I think you’ve still got a pretty good read on her, J.D.

 **JD:** Thanks. … Well, I’m gonna go. Thanks for humoring me.

 **VS:** Keep me posted on that acquaintance, alright? She sounds like a pretty cool person.

 **JD:** OK. Bye, Veronica, see you at school.

 **VS:** See you!

**Call Ended**

_11:46am_

\--  


**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:47am_

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re Welcome

 **red:** so what did she say

 **7.11.J.D:** She doesn't Like me That Way and she’s Interested in you

 **red:** WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HER

 **7.11.J.D:** I said an Acquaintance Wanted to Know if She had a Crush on Me

 **7.11.J.D:** And Then I Talked you Up but I Left your Name Out of It

 **red:** W H A T D I D Y O U S A Y

 **7.11.J.D:** That you’re Nicer than you Try to Seem

 **red:** WATH THE FJCK

 **7.11.J.D:** Should I be Sorry

 **red:** NO BTU TWHAT THEUFCK

\--  


**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:53am_

 **red:** I’M LIGHTING MYSELF ON FIRE

 **green:** DONT DO THAT

 **yellow:** I’M CALLING 911

 **red:** D ON’T I MEAN I’M DOING IT IN SPIRIT

 **yellow:** WHY

 **red:** IN A HPYOTHEITCAL SCENARIO I HAD JD ASK VERONICA IF SHE HAD A CRUSH ON HIM AND SHE HYPOTHETICALLY SAID NO AND HE HYPOTHETICALLY TALKED ME UP

 **green:** WHAT

 **yellow:** I’M ALSO LIGHTING MYSELF ON FIRE WHAT THE HELL????? I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU???????

 **green:** Y DOES IT HAVE TO BE SUNDAY WE NEED TO FUCKING CELEBRATE

 **yellow:** WE COULD ALWAYS SKIP SCHOOL

 **red:** WE’RE NOT GETTIGN SHITFACED ON A SUNDAY NGIHT TO WAKE UP HUNGOVER ON A MONDAY

 **green:** what has responsibility done to u heather its like i dont even know u anymore ;(

 **yellow:** We’ll just throw our own party then

 **green:** ok it /is/ sunday tho ur dad is home so hows that gonna work out

 **yellow:** Are your parents home??

 **green:** yea

 **green:** we should probably scrap this idea for now huh

 **red:** nah

 **yellow:** I thought you were vetoing the idea of a party, though

 **red:** i gotta thank jd somehow, don’t i???? we’re just saving the booze

\--  


**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:03pm_

 **red:** how good are you at picking locks

 **7.11.J.D:** Very Good but Why

 **red:** i need you to break into the shed and grab like two hoses

 **7.11.J.D:** Why

 **red:** come on, it’ll be very

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Still Confused but Ok

\--  


**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:05pm_

 **red:**  exactly how long is a store bought slip and slide

 **green:** google it

 **yellow:** What are you doing

 **red:** okay

 **red:** fuck it’s too short on its own

 **red:** duke can you go to walmart or something and get me some huge tarps

 **green:** no

 **red:** i’ll pay you

 **green:** [cash eyes emoji x5] omw

 **yellow:** WTF ARE YOU DOING

 **red:** oh i’ll need a kiddie pool too, a deep one

 **red:** stop questioning me, it’ll be very

 **yellow:** ???????????????

\--  


**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:09pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok I Got the Hoses Now What

 **red:** connect them to the shower and sink on the third floor

 **7.11.J.D:** Should I Turn On the Water

 **red:** wtf no, don’t turn it on yet, are you crazy

 **7.11.J.D:** I mean Probably but Not in This Scenario

 **7.11.J.D:** What’s Going On

 **red:** i t ' l l  b e  v e r y

\--  


**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:46pm_

 **green:** im here give me money

 **red:** took you long enough, jesus christ, what are you, a fucking tortoise

 **yellow:** Slow and steady wins the race

 **red:** yeah but heather speeds like nascar’s paying her

 **green:** there was traffic get off my ass

 **yellow:** What about that time you maneuvered your way out from the middle of a traffic jam

 **green:** i was driving a mini cooper back then u cant rly do that with a jeep rip

 **red:** heather, heather is on her way to pick you up, me and jd will set up in the meantime

 **yellow:** Are you going to invite veronica

 **red:** duh

 **green:** u should probably tell her im picking her up then

\--  


**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:51pm_

 **red:** hey veronica, we’re having another party, you should come, it’ll be very

 **how.very.onica:** lol i would but it’s a sunday, i don't think it’s smart to go to school hungover

 **red:** relax, there’s no booze this time

 **how.very.onica:** how very are we talking???

 **red:** v e r y

 **yellow:** Me and duke know just about as much as you do, veronica

 **how.very.onica:** lmao, can you guys pick me up??

 **green:** sure

 **how.very.onica:** oh, and can betty and martha come too :0 if it’s as very as you say, i’d hate to leave them out

 **red:** sure, welcome the nerd brigade along

 **how.very.onica:** don’t [clapping emoji] be [clapping emoji] rude

 **red:** i mean it nicely this time

 **green:** it must be the end of days

 **yellow:**  Omg

 **red:** SHDUSJTFUSABXFDYSBTSG

 **how.very.onica:** omfgg, i’ll let them know

 **red:** OH don’t forget swimsuits unless you’re fine trashing whatever you’re wearing

 **green:** I WAS JUST AT WALMART Y DIDNT U MENTION THIS BEFORE

 **how.very.onica:** i thought heather didn’t have a pool though

 **yellow:** She doesn’t

 **how.very.onica:** the mystery… i like it… keeps us guessing [thumbs up emoji] i’ll pass on the info, does jd need some swim trunks

 **red:** shit

\--  


**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:55pm_

 **red:** you’re gonna need swim trunks unless you’re fine in boxers

 **7.11.J.D:** Can I Die instead

 **red:** no

 **7.11.J.D:** Damn It

 **red:** so do you want someone to pick up swim trunks, are you fine trashing what you’re wearing, or are you gonna strip

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ll Pass on All of the Above Thanks

 **red:** if you don't wanna ditch the trenchcoat you can still wear it, i don’t care

 **7.11.J.D:** I Don’t Swim

 **red:** we’re not swimming

 **7.11.J.D:** Then What’s with the Tarps and the Kiddie Pool are we giving Pufflesnoot an Intense Bath or Something

 **red:** have you ever been to a water park

 **7.11.J.D:** Is This an Actual Question

 **red:** okay i’ll take that as a no

 **red:** so no trunks

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **red:** kaaaayyyy

\--  


**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:02pm_

 **red:** nah he doesn’t want trunks

 **how.very.onica:** ok!

\--  


**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:04pm_

 **how.very.onica:** calling all subway justice™ fuckers!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ayy lmao

 **martha-dunnstock:** What’s up??

 **7.11.J.D:** I prefer Subway Justice™ Officer Thanks

 **how.very.onica:** heather chandler is throwing some sort of party at her place and we’re all invited

 **hucklebettyfinn:** does not compute

 **martha-dunnstock:** Huh?? I thought she didn’t like us

 **how.very.onica:** well ok you guys are my +2, and jd lives there so

 **7.11.J.D:** Bring Swimsuits

 **how.very,onica:** do you know what she’s up to jd????

 **7.11.J.D:** I have No Fucking Clue

 **7.11.J.D:** There are Tarps and a Kiddie Pool and I had to hook Up some Hoses Upstairs

 **martha-dunnstock:** That’s weird

 **hucklebettyfinn:** maybe she wants to drown us all

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why would anyone bring a bunch of people to their mansion to drown them

 **how.very.onica:** yeah it’d be pretty obvious who the culprit was, plus the logistics behind how much water she’d need would be insane

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’ve got nothing then

 **how.very.onica:** so do you guys wanna go?? heather duke is giving rides

 **7.11.J.D:** Please Do I don’t feel like Dying Alone

 **hucklebettyfinn:** tbh i’ll go just to have an excuse to be driven somewhere for once

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sure, I’d be glad to!!!

 **how.very.onica:** cool! i’d probably get your swimsuits and whatever right away, duke speeds so she’ll probably show up sooner than you’d expect

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wow she should really consider not doing that, speed is a serious drug

 **martha-dunnstock:** BEATRIZ!!!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[walter-get-the-bug.jpg](http://oi67.tinypic.com/34929g9.jpg)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** YOU BETTER BE ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR WHEN WE GET TO THE MANSION!!!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** I WON’T HAVE YOU CORRUPTING PUFFLESNOOT D: <

 **7.11.J.D:** Little Do you Know He’s been playing Blackjack with Drug Dealers this Whole Time

 **how.very.onica:** omggg the scandal

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WTF DUKE IS ALREADY HERE

 **how.very.onica:** i told you she speeds, betty!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** YEAH YOU DIDN’T TELL ME SHE’S LIKE TRYING FOR THE DAYTONA 500 JESUS CHRIST

 **7.11.J.D:** What the Fuck is a Daytona and Why are there 500 Of Them

 **martha-dunnstock:** The Daytona 500 is a Nascar race

 **martha-dunnstock:** You should probably brush up on that stuff before you apply for a job at an auto shop [smiling cold sweat emoji]

 **7.11.J.D:** I know Motorbikes not Cars don’t Bully Me

\--  


**heather cubed redux**  


_**Today** 1:10pm_

**green** : nerd 1 acquired im heading to dumptrucks next

 **yellow:** Which nerd

 **green:** traitor nerd

 **red:** okay

 **yellow:** I told you guys, me and betty are cool now, you can knock it off

 **green:** just because u forgive her doesnt mean we do too lmao

 **yellow:** You don’t have to hate her for /my/ sake anymore

 **red:** lol no

 **green:** she broke up with u over the phone and made u cry on the bus shes basically beelzebub as far as im concerned

 **red:** ooh, beelzebub finn, we can work with that

 **yellow:** We already got revenge from the prank call!!!!!!!

 **green:** yea but being petty is fun have u forgotten who ure friends with

 **yellow:** No, but have you????

 **green:** whats that supposed to mean

 **yellow:** You’re ignoring my actual feelings on this because you think I’m secretly still super hurt, so you want to white knight for me :/

 **green:** ok fine ill leave her alone but im still gonna call her beelzebub i think thats hilarious

 **green:** is that fair

 **yellow:** No, don’t call her that : /

 **green:** what if i dont do it to her face or in front of u

 **yellow:** My answer is still no

 **green:** what if i ask her if shes cool being called beelzebub

 **yellow:** WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT

 **green:** ITS RLY FUNNY AND NOW IM INVESTED IN THIS OK

 **red:** beelzebub finn 2k15

 **green:** LMAO I JUST ASKED AND SHE THINKS ITS FUNNY

 **red:** duke - 1, mac - 5,372,638,628

 **yellow:** Well, if she thinks it’s funny, I guess it’s fine…????

 **yellow:** Also true

\--  


**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:16pm_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** DUKE IS AN ASSHOLE BUT IN A WAY I CAN RESPECT

 **martha-dunnstock:** What did she do?????

 **how.very.onica:** explain :0

 **hucklebettyfinn:** SHE JUST STRAIGHT UP ASKED ME TO MY FACE IF SHE COULD CALL ME BEELZEBUB FINN

 **how.very.onica:** SGWISNTWISNDTAIXNSTDJ OMG

 **martha-dunnstock:** WHY????

 **7.11.J.D:** Should we Fight her

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk i think she’s still lowkey pissed at me for breaking up with mac??? and nah i think it’s funny, it’s fine

 **7.11.J.D:** Heather is Carefully Massacring the Tarps

 **how.very.onica:** what?? why

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Still not Entirely Sure

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, is she cutting them into thick strips??

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah

 **martha-dunnstock:** If she tapes the strips together end to end, she might be making a slip and slide

 **hucklebettyfinn:** her mansion is huge but isn’t the yard tiny

 **hucklebettyfinn:** like why is she making a slip and slide if there’s no room for it

 **how.very.onica:** wait o.MG

 **how.very.onica:** JD DIDN’T YOU SAY YOU HOOKED UP HOSES UPSTAIRS

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah on the Third Floor

 **how.very.onica:** DON’T QUOTE ME ON THIS BUT WHAT IF HEATHER’S MAKING A WATER SLIDE ON THE STAIRCASES

 **martha-dunnstock:** ?!?!?!?!?!? RICH PEOPLE ARE CRAZY

 **hucklebettyfinn:** I’M SCREAIMGN THAT SOUNDS LIKE EXACTKY THE KIND OF SHIT THE HEATHERS WOULD BE DOING ON A SUNDAY

 **7.11.J.D:** I T HINK IT WAS M EANT TO BE A S URPRISE THOUGH

 **how.very.onica:** IT’LL BE FINE WE’LL JUST ACT AS SURPRISED AND STOKED AS WE ARE RIGHT NOW WHEN WE GET THERE

\--  


**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:28pm_

 **red:** where the hell are you

 **yellow:** We stopped at a tattoo parlor, heather’s getting a duck on her ass

 **red:** w.HAT TEH F CUCK

 **yellow:** I’m kidding!!!! Lmao we’ll be there in a few minutes, we had to pick up some towels

 **red:** YOU’RE NOT FUNNY!!!!

 **green:** thats a lie heather is the guardian angel of humor fuck u

 **green:** oh that reminds me i have a thing i need to do

 **red:** you better not be skipping out on my party to have some girl from the volleyball team benchpress you again

 **green:** nah i’ll be there, i gotta text someone though, it’s important

 **yellow:** I wouldn’t be surprised if you were texting some contact at the elementary school still trying to find the weed

 **yellow:** If you are I wanna see screenshots

 **red:** ^^^^

\--  


**green and yellow dream team  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:32pm_

 **green:** can we talk

 **yellow:** Wait, is texting me is the important thing you had to do????

 **yellow:** And what’s with the dumb chat name

 **green:** u know it bb

 **green:** ?!? heck off its the first thing i came up with

 **yellow:** You know what else is green and yellow???? Corn

 **green:** im not gonna name the chat “corn”

 **yellow:** :(

 **green:** besides do u know what /else/ is green and yellow

 **yellow:** The color chartreuse

 **green:** ok i was gonna say money but i could actually get on board with chartreuse it sounds like something a white mom would name her daughter (no offense)

 **yellow:** If you were insulting my name you’d just be insulting your own so idc ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **green:** oh yea i forgot

 **yellow:** Really ??? How did you manage to forget your two best friends share your name [laugh-crying emoji x2]

 **green:** im nervous frick off u meanie

 **yellow:** Wait why are you nervous

 **yellow:** Oh god are you pregnant

 **green:** noooo chill its nothing serious i wouldnt be saying frick and heck if it were

 **yellow:** Then what’s there to be nervous about

 **green:** ok let me revise its nothing /life-changingly/ serious

 **green:** at least i dont think so

 **yellow:** Okay…???

 **green:** shit would u rather we talked later when im not driving

 **yellow:** Uhhh it depends…..?????? Now you’ve got me worried

 **green:** ok im just gonna text it and if u hate me afterwards u can delete it and block my number and never talk to me again

 **yellow:** ? ? ? ?

 **green:** so i bet ure wondering y i was being so nice to veronica the other day

 **yellow:** Do you have a crush on her

 **green:** no y does everyone think im secretly in love with her im not that lowkey

 **green:** when i like a girl i tell her and then provided she likes me back and is down with pda we make out in every hallway at school to annoy the public

 **yellow:** You've literally never done that in your entire life

 **green:** yea true i overcomplicate things and then i miss my chance like a loser

 **yellow:** You’re not a loser

 **yellow:** ……. Okay you’re /our/ loser, we’re all losers

 **green:** lol but uh anyway the reason i was being so nice was because

 **green:** ugh im so dumb let me brace myself for a moment

 **yellow:** Okay

 **green:** i was being nice because i thought it would make u like me

 **yellow:** W hat

 **yellow:** ?!?!?!

 **yellow:** W h a t

 **yellow:** Okay, in what way do you mean “like”

 **green:** aaaa i mean romantically

 **green:** like ellen and portia gay romance

 **green:** uhh like thelma and louise but with less misery and death

 **green:** idk it was stupid i figured itd make u realize im capable of being nice

 **green:** and by extension that im not just ur friend because ure popular and that attracts drama or whatever

 **green:** pls say something im just kinda rambling like a jackass

 **yellow:** Ahdiandgskd sorry I’m just surprised

 **green:** shit do u want me to back off like its cool i understand

 **yellow:** Noooo!!!

 **yellow:** Heather I really like you a lot!!!!!!

 **green:** WHAT RLY

 **yellow:** YES!!!!

 **yellow:** Even though I don't really understand why you were being nice to veronica instead of me

 **yellow:** Like, you could've saved yourself the trouble of heather getting jealous of you, wtf

 **green:** yeaaaa it seemed like the best idea at the time i didnt consider how heatherd take it

 **yellow:** :’) dork

 **yellow:** Be my girlfriend!!! Be gay with me!!!!!!

 **green:** RGEUSNXHSINDHSKJ THATS MY LINE U MEME

 **yellow:** [girls holding hands emoji x6]

 **green:** STOP TRYING TO UPSTAGE ME IM THE ALPHA GAY HERE

 **green:** also just to get this out of the way ure not just using me to make betty jealous right

 **yellow:** Betty wasn't as invested in the relationship as I was, so hell no, there’d be no point in trying to get her back

 **green:** ok good [green heart emoji x5]

 **yellow:** [yellow heart emoji x5]

 **green:** should we tell heather and veronica right away or nah

 **yellow:** Hmm, I think they’ll figure it out soon enough :3

 **green:** ure evil i love it lets make out

 **yellow:** >:3€

 **green:** furry

 **yellow:** Geek

\--  


**purple  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:03pm_

 **how.very.onica:**  [[confused-mr-krabs.jpg](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/020/001/krabs.jpg)]

 **red:** WHY ARE YOU ON YORU PHONE IT’S GONNA GET WET

 **red:** ARE YOU B ORED???? I CAN DRAG IN THE SPRINKELR IT’s NO BIG DEAL

 **how.very.onica:** noooooo this is already so awesome, i love it so much you don’t even know

 **how.very.onica:** plus you probably shouldn’t bring in the sprinkler, if there’s noticeable water damage your parents might freak

 **red:** okay true, good point

 **how.very.onica:** but anyway, i’m just letting you know that heather and heather are sucking face in the kitchen

 **red:** WHAT THEUFCK HAVE THEY BEEN A THING FOR LONG

 **how.very.onica:** lol idk but i’d probably keep people outta there so they can be gay in Peace

 **how.very.onica:** OMG BETTY JUST WENT DOWN THE WATERSLIDE WITH PUFFLESNOOT

 **how.very.onica:** SHIT THERE’S WATER EVERYWHERE

 **red:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

\--  


**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:29pm_

 **red:** FUCKING RUN MRS CHANDLER IS EHRE

 **how.very.onica:** HOLY YIKES

 **yellow:** I FEEL LIKE I’M MISSING OUT ON A CRYPTID SIGHTING??????

 **green:** SHOULD JD COME WITH

 **red:** YES GO THIRD FLOOR

_**Today** 3:54pm_

**how.very.onica:** ohhhh my god my life flashed before my eyes when heathers mom found us

 **green:** ikr were so lucky she ended up being so nice

 **yellow:** Yeah, I thought she was gonna kill us for sure, like if I were a mom I definitely would’ve been harsher on us???? It’s almost scary

 **red:** speak for yourself

 **how.very.onica:** ?

 **yellow:** Should I be sorry about something

 **red:** no, unsarcastic congrats on your new girlfriend though

 **green:** fuck i knew we shouldve made out quieter

 **red:** did jd end up leaving with you guys

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, he can hang out at mine tonight until he can sneak back into the mansion

 **red:** i’ll call you later

 **how.very.onica:** uhhhh ok!! how much later

 **red:** idk, eventually

 **how.very.onica** : ok!!!! also @heather and heather how long have you been a thing

 **green:** just since today actually

 **how.very.onica:** lol good!! i wish you all the gayness

 **yellow:** That’s the best message I’ve ever gotten except for every message duke has ever sent me

 **green:** even the shrek script

 **yellow:** You’re a disgusting memer but I like you in spite of it

 **green:** aw babe [green heart emoji]

 **yellow:** Baaaabeeeee [yellow heart emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** actually i take that back, your cuteness is Sickening

 **how.very.onica:** do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly into gay baby jail

 **green:** weve come full circle

\--  


**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:11pm_

 **martha-dunnstock:** When you realize you didn’t get any of your homework done yet :(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** FUCK

 **7.11.J.D:** FUCK

 **how.very.onica:** lol what a bunch of slackers

 **7.11.J.D** : Have you Forgotten my Spontaneous Homelessness

 **how.very.onica:** hey, i asked you if you wanted to copy my homework, /you/ ignored me and climbed out the window

 **7.11.J.D:** I needed a Quick and Stealthy Exit

 **how.very.onica:** it’s not stealthy in broad daylight you dweebasaurus

 **how.very.onica:** where’d you even go anyway????

 **7.11.J.D:** Where Else

 **hucklebettyfinn:** dude wtf 7/11 is like two miles away from her house, i could’ve driven you

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hey, sometimes a guy just has to be alone, that’s fine!!! Cut him some slack

 **martha-dunnstock:** Besides, it’s good to get fresh air

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh that’s Ironic

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ??? [eyes emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** not to be judgy, but if you bought cigarettes, you can’t smoke them in my room at least

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah No I wanna Die but not like That I have Asthma

 **7.11.J.D:** Plus Uh my Old Man was Hooked on the things So

 **how.very.onica:** ohhh ok

 **martha-dunnstock:** Can you explain why the fresh air thing was ironic, though???? I’m a little confused

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh there was Just some Prick Smoking by the Entrance so I Had to Wade Through

 **hucklebettyfinn:** ripppp

 **7.11.J.D:** Now I’m just Loitering by the Slushie Machine trying to Choose Between Cherry and Diet Coke

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i vote diet coke

 **martha-dunnstock:** I like cherry a bit better, but that’s just me ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **how.very.onica:** oh man i gotta be the tiebreaker, this is serious business

 **how.very.onica:** how about neither??? you could try something new or mix some flavors

 **7.11.J.D:** By God you’re a Genius this is why You’re the Brains of this Operation

 **7.11.J.D:** I should be Back in Half an Hour if I’m Not then Assume I got Shanked

_**Today** 6:45pm_

**7.11.J.D:** Little Pig Little Pig Let me In

 **how.very.onica:** just come through the front door, jackass, my parents know you're staying over

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m just imagining jd sitting in the tree outside veronica’s window texting her nursery rhymes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** instead of like, throwing a rock at the window, or going through the door like a regular person

 **how.very.onica:** that’s exactly what happened

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s true, I was there clapping

 **how.very.onica:** no literally

 **how.very.onica:** [bigbadwolf.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** OMG

 **7.11.J.D:** Stop calling me Out Like This

 **martha-dunnstock:** THAT’S IT, THAT’S MY NEW LOCKSCREEN

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i want that on a poster i’m crying

\--  


**Call Transcript  
**

**Heather Chandler → Veronica Sawyer**

_3:23am_

**VS:** Heather? What’s up? It’s three in the morning, I didn’t think “later” would mean this late.

 **HC:** Alright, I have to let you in on a few things if J.D.’s gonna keep crashing here. One: I’m making this call from the roof, so don’t make any sudden noises or I’ll literally die.

 **VS:** What? Why?

 **HC:** Two: if you think I’m a bitch, Mrs. Chandler’s like ten times worse. Take my word for it that she’s a demon and we can move on.

 **VS:** Why the fuck are you on the roof?

 **HC:** [sigh] OK, you want the gritty details? Fine. Have it your way, Ronnie. As soon as you and the idiot squad paraded out the door, she was in my face screaming like a psycho. She didn’t hit me, she never does, but I think calling me a-- what did she call me? A tramp? No, a skank, the family disappointment, how dare you ruin our home and reputation, blah blah… like, that’s bad enough already, right?

 **VS:** Holy shit. Heather, I… I’m so sorry--

 **HC:** [laughter] That isn’t even the worst of it. She brought in the maids to tear the place apart, looking for drugs and booze, so she can crucify me in front of the whole town. And I mean crucify. She goes to church, donates to save the starving orphan whales or whatever, and tries to scare me into being the poster child for the perfect family. Whenever I fuck up, she makes an example of it.

 **VS:** I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have put you in this position. It’s all my fault.

 **HC:** Hey, don’t start feeling bad for yourself, asshole, I offered to take J.D. in. I invited everyone, I set up the party. You didn’t do anything wrong.

 **VS:** I know, but… now that you’re in trouble, he’s homeless, Heather. He can’t crash on the air mattress on my floor forever, my parents said it’s a one-time thing.

 **HC:** I never said Mrs. Chandler found the booze.

 **VS:** What?

 **HC:** When we prank called Betty, I bribed Kurt and Ram with beer to do recon for us. Then we drank the rest at the housewarming. So she’s suspicious, she even took off my bedroom door-- that’s why I’m on the roof-- but she doesn’t have shit on me except the waterslide. So as long as J.D. keeps his mouth shut and stays out of sight, they’ll never know he’s here.

 **VS:** Well… OK, I think that should be fine. Do you want him to sneak back in yet tonight, or save it for tomorrow night?

 **HC:** Tomorrow night, I don’t feel like pushing my luck right now. … Oh, I never got around to getting a kennel and a bed for Pufflesnoot, so he hasn’t been discovered yet. I hid him out in the backyard while they were searching the place… I don’t think I can hide both J.D. and the dog long-term. Like, J.D. can ninja around all he wants, but dogs just kind of do what they want.

 **VS:** Damn it. I can’t take him in, and I know Betty and Martha can’t… Could you ask Duke and Mac?

 **HC:** Yeah, sure.

 **VS:** Thanks, Heather.

 **HC:** Don’t thank me.

 **VS:** You’re rehoming my dog, and you’re keeping one of my best friends from living in a shelter, even though it puts you in danger. I think that deserves at least a “thank you.”

 **HC:** I’m… not a good person, Veronica. I mean, I’m helping J.D. for his sake, which is new for me, but I…

 **VS:** I know.

 **HC:** \--wait, what? What do you mean, you know? I didn’t even say anything!

 **VS:** It’s OK, you don’t need to explain it to me. You have a cr--

 **HC:** No, Ronnie, you don’t understand. I’m not just an egomaniac!

 **VS:** Egomaniac? Wait, what is this conversation about?

 **HC:** I’m a liar. A selfish liar, and a horrible person, I… I act like I’m so full of myself, all the time, and I scare people into doing what I want. Constantly. [teary] I’m just like her, Veronica, I’m just like her--

 **VS:** Oh. Fuck, I’m sorry. Heather, you’re nothing like Mrs. Chandler, you’re really not. I know you can be a little mean sometimes, and take things a little too far, but you’re still a nice person overall. You care about people. She doesn’t have that. She acts nice but she’s… rotten, she’s rotten underneath.

 **HC:** You don’t know me, Veronica, the real me, nobody does. I’m just as bad as she is. I’m worse.

 **VS:** OK. Let’s just… step back for a minute. Let’s say I want to get to know the real Heather. Who is she?

 **HC:** [deep inhale, sniffle] It’s too late for this… playing psychotherapist shit. We have school in four hours. I should let you go to sleep.

 **VS:** I’m not gonna sit back and let you cry yourself to sleep, alright? Friends don’t let friends cry themselves to sleep. Please don’t hang up, we don’t even have to keep talking about this, we can talk about… movies? School? I don’t care, let’s talk about anything. First thing that pops into your head, whatever you want.

 **HC:** [sniffles] No, Ronnie. I should let you go. It’s late.

 **VS:** You’re not keeping me here! I’m staying on the line of my own free will, don’t worry, I’m not getting mind-controlled. Come on, first thing that pops into your head.

 **HC:** The first thing’s stupid.

 **VS:** I don’t care, let’s talk about it anyway. I talk about stupid things all the time.

 **HC:** No, it’s really stupid.

 **VS:** OK, second thing then.

 **HC:** … Have you ever had any pets? Before Pufflesnoot, I mean.

 **VS:** I used to have a cat, but he ran away when I was, like, fourteen. He was a tabby.

 **HC:** What was his name?

 **VS:** [laughter] I named him after J.F.K.

 **HC:** Jesus, really? You’ve always been this nerdy?

 **VS:** Hey, I take that personally! I’ll have you know that it took me years of preparation and training to get this nerdy.

 **HC:** And what a dork you are.

 **VS:** What about you, Heather? Ever had any pets? An ill-fated line of gerbils all named after Star Wars characters, maybe?

 **HC:** Don’t be ridiculous. … They were fish. Oh--[rustling] mother of SHIT--

 **VS:** Heather? Oh God, should I call 911? Don’t tell me you fell.

 **HC:** No, I’m fine, it would’ve been a lot louder if I’d hit the ground. I almost broke my ass though, holy shit. I was trying to get back into my room, it’s cold as balls up here.

 **VS:** Shit. I can hang up.

 **HC:** Talk tomorrow?

 **VS:** Duh.

 **HC:** Don’t tell anyone I cried or you’re actually dead to me.

 **VS:** Why would I do that?

 **HC:** I don’t know, to… embarrass me? To dethrone me, so you can take over the social scene at Westerberg?

 **VS:** [laughter] Don’t worry about it. Power’s overrated anyway.

 **HC:** As long as you’re sure. Bye, Ronnie.

 **VS:** Wait, wait, one last thing? Don’t let Mrs. Chandler touch your phone. Hide it in your pants, your bra, your dirty underwear if you have to, I’m serious. If she took your door, I wouldn’t put it past her to go through your texts, tap the thing, or even make a copy of your SIM card so she can see your texts as they come in, listen in on calls… Just be careful with it.

 **HC:** [sharp inhale] OK, I’ll do what I can… but no promises. I might get an extra phone to stash somewhere just in case.

 **VS:** That’d probably be a good idea. Bye, make sure you don’t fall off the roof. I’d like a chance to get to know the real Heather sometime.

 **HC:** … I’ll try not to. ‘Night.

**Call Ended**

_3:38am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, if any of my depictions of issues are inaccurate or offensive lmk and i'll try to fix it
> 
> jfk the cat isn't my invention; he was actually in a [draft of the heathers movie script](http://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/heathers_shooting.html). he was basically only there so veronica would think to try the ich lüge bullets on him. jd stopped her by saying they wouldn't work on small animals. (another fun fact because i like to brag: i'm the one who got this bit of trivia onto [imdb](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097493/trivia?item=tr2967044) (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞)
> 
> while writing this chapter i also learned that christian slater played the salty redheaded guy from ferngully. this has no bearing on the chapter, but the world needs to know this groundbreaking piece of information. also pump up the volume is a good movie and i think it's seriously underappreciated (but mind the r rating)
> 
> edit (1/23/17) - this fic has been on hiatus for a truly ridiculous amount of time, but i fully intend on finishing it. progress is slow but i'm working on it ;; in the meantime you can get shitposts, heathers headcanons, and the occasional preview @[heathercubedfic](http://heathercubedfic.tumblr.com) on tumblr. i'm always looking for ways to make up for the wait


	11. Oh Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heather chandler really gets put through the wringer in this one hoo boy. featuring courtney, a metric fuckton of phone calls, and special ops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i apologized last chapter for taking over a month to update??? .. lol. this chapter is dedicated to andrew, who has badgered me pretty much every day for the past eight months to get this thing posted, thanks fucker.
> 
> warnings for discussion of parental abuse and gaslighting, always feel free to lmk if anything is offensive and how i could potentially fix it

**heather cubed redux** **  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:06am_

**red:** i’m dead

**yellow:** Same, I’m exhausted

**green:** liste n i didnt make u livetweet the mad max movies all night that was ur idea

**yellow:** I knowwww

**yellow:** I’m still so tired though [sleeping emoji]

**red:** i’m not tired dead

**yellow:** Show me where I asked

**red:** dhsvtfjsngf shut up

**red:** i’m dead because i passed ronnie in the hall and she said she liked my skirt

**green:** ??? i thought u loved compliments

**green:** especially since its veronica ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**red:** get out of here with that dead meme you fucking muppet

**yellow:** Yeah, don’t you know by now that only ~*~verooooniiicaaaaa~*~ is allowed to use dead memes ?

**red:** i hate you both sbyfjsbgh

**red:** she said my skirt looks pretty and i ran into a locker

**yellow:** Omg

**green:** ok just make it to study hall on time

**red:** why, it’s just dunlap

**green:** yea well dunlap has a stick in his ass today

**red:** sucks to be him

**red:** it’s gonna take me twenty minutes to fix my eyeliner sooo

**yellow:** It’s just eyeliner though???

**red:** it’s winged

**yellow:** ??????

**yellow:** That still shouldn’t take very long

**green:** lol dude how much do u suck at eyeliner

**red:** whatever

**yellow:** Do you need help????

_**Today** 8:12am_

**yellow:** ;/

\--  
****

**Untitled Chatroom**

**_Today_ ** _8:13am_

**Courtn3y:** Hey, Monica?

**how.very.onica:** it’s veronica

**Courtn3y:** Same difference.

**how.very.onica:** it’s… literally in my username, it’s not hard to puzzle out

**Courtn3y:** It says Onica, not /Ver/onica.

**how.very.onica:** very.onica? like… veronica????

**Courtn3y:** It’s whatever. How’s your smelly trenchcoat man doing?

**how.very.onica:** wow you’re a dick

**Courtn3y:** The trenchcoat smells. You can’t deny the truth, Vanessa.

**how.very.onica:** it’s VERONICA

**Courtn3y:** LOL, chill out. I’m just fucking with you.

**how.very.onica:** … ok yeah i’ll tell him to wash it

**how.very.onica:** why are you asking about him tho

**Courtn3y:** Just an icebreaker. I got your username from your friend Dennis?

**how.very.onica:** damn you dennis

**how.very.onica:** so what do you actually want

**Courtn3y:** I saw Heather Chandler crying in the girls’ bathroom. Since she’s your friend now or whatever, I figured you’d want to know.

**how.very.onica:** are you actually shitting me

**Courtn3y:** Swear on my life! She was in the bathroom down by the science labs. She might still be there, if you want to check it out for yourself.

**how.very.onica:** i’m on the other side of the school

**how.very.onica:** are you telling the truth or are you just trying to fuck with me again

**Courtn3y:** Why would I lie?

**how.very.onica:** courtney your nickname in middle school was firepants

**Courtn3y:** Hey, times change, people change! I mean, just look at yourself. In middle school you thought you were straight.

**how.very.onica:** you make a fair point

**how.very.onica:** well, if you told anybody else about heather, you’re gonna have a serious shitstorm coming your way

**Courtn3y:** ?! There’s no need for threats, alright? I hate the bitch, but she hasn’t done anything to me in years. We’re even.

**how.very.onica:** it was actually more of a warning, the heathers are like a pack of wolves, hurt one and the rest will destroy you

**Courtn3y:** Uh, aren’t they your friends?

**how.very.onica:** a pack of very glittery and beautiful wolves

**how.very.onica:** who also aren’t afraid of tearing people to shreds

**Courtn3y:** [scared cold sweat emoji]

**how.very.onica:** do you have any idea why she was crying?

**Courtn3y:** No. I’d barely cracked open the bathroom door when I saw her standing at the sink with a bunch of makeup out. It took me a few seconds to realize she was crying, so then I left.

**how.very.onica:** why didn’t you say anything to her???

**Courtn3y:** Are you stupid? We hate each other, she would’ve ripped my head off!

**how.very.onica:** ok that’s true

**how.very.onica:** well uh, thanks for letting me know, i guess

**how.very.onica:** i’ll talk to her about it later

**Courtn3y:** Good luck.

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:07am_

**martha-dunnstock** : What’s that song that’s like “wake me up! Wake me up inside!”

**7.11.J.D:** Darude - Sandstorm

**hucklebettyfinn:** yup that sounds right to me

**martha-dunnstock:** Thanks!

_**Today** 9:11am_

**martha-dunnstock:** J.D. that wasn’t it at all

**hucklebettyfinn:** you’re right, maybe try “all star” by smash mouth

**martha-dunnstock:** Okay I’m not that gullible, I know that one  >:(

**hucklebettyfinn:** [[rihanna-wink.gif](http://oi61.tinypic.com/24pfj1z.jpg)]

**7.11.J.D:** Lol

**martha-dunnstock:** I think the band was something like My Chemical Evanescence?

**hucklebettyfinn:** BFUSJBFYAKNFTWIDTAODJXGJSJSY

**how.very.onica:** MARTHA

**hucklebettyfinn:** CRYIG

**martha-dunnstock:** What’d I do??

**7.11.J.D:** My Chemical Romance and Evanescence are Two different Bands

**martha-dunnstock:**  Oops

**martha-dunnstock:** Okay I found the song

**how.very.onica:** good job martha lmao

**7.11.J.D:** Next Time just Google it Though

**how.very.onica:** oh btw never trust dennis ever again

**hucklebettyfinn:** seconding that motion, but why

**how.very.onica:** he gave courtney my username

**martha-dunnstock:** What?? Why would he do that, that’s rude????

**7.11.J.D:** Who’s Dennis Again

**hucklebettyfinn:** my coworker at mattress hell, also used to be veronica’s friend in middle school, and he’s involved with the school paper

**martha-dunnstock:** He’s in your first hour class

**7.11.J.D:** Oh That kid

**how.very.onica:** anyway, she just wanted to let me know something about one of the heathers so i don’t mind that part

**how.very.onica:** i’m just annoyed that dennis gave out my username

**martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, that was rude of him

**hucklebettyfinn:** i bet you he just did it to get money for the newspaper lmao

**7.11.J.D:** Should we do a Revenge Thing Y/N

**how.very.onica:** no

**7.11.J.D:** I Hate this Fucking Family

**hucklebettyfinn:** MEEEE

**martha-dunnstock:** Wait I don’t get it

**7.11.J.D:** <https://vine.co/v/eXv6mVBriFI>

**martha-dunnstock:** Ohhhh

**martha-dunnstock:** Lol I need to watch vines more often

**how.very.onica:** at least you’re both self-aware lmfao

**hucklebettyfinn:** oh where’s heather chandler

**how.very.onica:** uhhh idk isn’t she supposed to be in your english class right now

**hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, she’s not though

**martha-dunnstock:**  Veronica, maybe you should text her?

**how.very.onica:** yeah, probably

\--  
****

**purple  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:22am_

**how.very.onica:** hey heather where are you?? betty said you aren’t in english, so i thought i’d see if everything was fine

**red:** i had to fix my makeup

**how.very.onica:** for over an hour????????

**red:** i had to pee too

**how.very.onica:** look, idc if you’re skipping class, i just wanna make sure you aren’t dying or anything

**red:** [[you-got-me-there.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/624/612/635.jpg)]

**red:** i’ve skipped class before though so what’s your damage

**how.very.onica:** ok don’t get mad at me

**red:** well i’m not mad but now i’m suspicious

**how.very.onica:** courtney messaged me and told me you were crying in the bathroom

**red:** me? crying? what a stupid lie

**red:** don’t believe a word she says. she’s literally courtney the liar

**red:** crying?

**red:** me?

**red:** never

**how.very.onica:** heather you cried on the phone with me last night

**red:** we don’t talk about that

**how.very.onica:** ok do you want me to skip class with you??

**red:** wHat no

**red:** you have to keep your grades up

**how.very.onica:** so do you!! but taking one day off for your mental and emotional health won’t hurt

**how.very.onica:** so, once i sneak out of here, what do you wanna do? we could go to the mall or something

**red:** mmmm let’s get the other heathers in on this

**red:** they’ll be pissed if we run off to shop without at least /offering/ to bring them

**red:** btw i don’t trust cuntney not to run her mouth so tell her i was on the rag or something

**red:** like, whatever shuts her up tbh

**how.very.onica:** ok!

\--  
****

**Untitled Chatroom  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:26am_

**how.very.onica:** turns out heather was just having cramps

**how.very.onica:** we’re gonna skip to get her some chocolate, thanks for letting me know [peace sign emoji]

**Courtn3y:** Ew, gross, TMI. Good to know she doesn’t have cancer or something though, I guess? This school would fall apart without her.

**how.very.onica:**  [eyes emoji] anyway though never message me again unless someone is literally dying kthanksbye

**Courtn3y:** Wait, what?

**how.very.onica:** n e v e r  a g a i n

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:27am_

**red:** ditch your classes, we’re going to the mall

**yellow:** Yessssss

**green:** sweet

**green:** am i driving or do u want to

**how.very.onica:** if you could drive that’d be great, duke [peace sign hand emoji]

**red:** should we bother with the vents or do you think the back door’ll be good enough

**yellow:** The back door should be fine

**green:** i parked out front tho and there are cameras

**how.very.onica:** we could sneak through the bushes around to the front and then run for it

**red:** so help me god, if i get twigs in my hair, it’s your head getting mounted on the wall

**how.very.onica:** so be it

**red:** i meant duke not you ronnie

**green:** um what kind of favoritism

**green:** im honestly so hurt

**red:** slap a bandaid on it bitch

**green:** yea yea ok red queen off with my head and all that

**yellow:** Red queen is basically a compliment

**green:** should i slap a bandaid on my neck too

**how.very.onica:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**red:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**green:** :(

**yellow:** Don't worry babe, I hear the nearly headless nick look is all the rage this season

**green:** !!! [blowing kiss emoji]

**yellow:** Last one to my girlfriend’s jeep buys us lunch

**green:** ure on motherfuckers

**how.very.onica:** me and my thighs are in this to WIN

**green:** ok good luck finding it sucker i parked it in the middle

**red:** THIS IS UNFAIR ND DISCIRMINATION???(

**red:** IMA WEARING H EELS

**yellow:** A tear for the fallen….. [crying cat emoji]

**green:** itsa me mario

**how.very.onica:** i misread that as fist me mario

**red:** HFJBSTFUNSGF

**green:** i do so much good in this world and all i get is suffering

**yellow:** VERONICA WHY

**how.very.onica:** um lady gaga said i was born this way???? this is biphobic???

_**Today** 9:35am_

**yellow:** [[victory-for-team-mcduke.jpg](https://www.instagram.com/p/sDElyNJ0SQ/)]

  **red:** HEY NOVDOY SAID ANYTHIKG ABOUT TEAMS FUCK YALL

**green:** yall

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:24am_

**7.11.J.D:** Where’s Veronica has Anybody Seen Her

**hucklebettyfinn:** not since this morning, sorry dude

**martha-dunnstock:** The Heathers aren’t here either, they must have left for lunch?

**hucklebettyfinn:** veronica if you’re reading this and you don’t bring back something for me our friendship is over

**7.11.J.D:** You have a Car Go get it Yourself

**hucklebettyfinn:** stop telling me how to live my life!!!!1111

**7.11.J.D:** Stop Telling me to Stop Telling You how to Live your Life when You're Irresponsible

**martha-dunnstock:** [[babyfights.gif](https://i.imgur.com/VNBDaCE.gif)]

**how.very.onica:** sorry for not responding guys my phone died!! it’s charged now, what’s up

**martha-dunnstock:** Thank God, please save me, they’re pretending to fight again

**hucklebettyfinn:** VERONICA SAWYER, LIGHT OF MY LIFE, WIND UNDERNEATH MY WINGS

**7.11.J.D:** Get her Nothing

**hucklebettyfinn:** PLEASE BUY ME FOOD

**hucklebettyfinn:** 1V1 ME SCRUB

**7.11.J.D:** The Real question here Is Where

**hucklebettyfinn:** SUBWAY PARKING LOT WHERE ELSE

**martha-dunnstock:** Betty, your life force is basically tied to Subway, you’d get an unfair advantage

**7.11.J.D:** See she’s a Cheater and Also Disqualified so I Win by Default

**hucklebettyfinn:** this is libel see you in court fuckre

**how.very.onica:** [[whoa-take-it-easy-man.jpg]](http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/4e/4e1659624581c1687ee9f2aa570a98eaae99fe6130f311b68a3cad1da8823398.jpg)

**martha-dunnstock:** Can we postpone the fake smackdown and comment on the fact that Veronica just sent a reaction image with a Facebook meme caption :/

**how.very.onica:** martha pulling out all the stops [dead emoji x2]

**hucklebettyfinn:** our little girl is growing up to be a total sav. i’m wiping away tears

**martha-dunnstock:** Betty, I'm older than you

**7.11.J.D:** Betty you're Not Crying

**hucklebettyfinn:** shhhhhh i’m doing it in spirit

**7.11.J.D:** [[man-on-phone.jpg](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/017/981/The_Real_Story_Behind_Black_Guy_On_The_Phone_Meme-500x500.jpg)]

**7.11.J.D:** Hello Ghostbusters there’s a Spirit Here can you come Catch her Please

**hucklebettyfinn:** THE GHOSTBUSTERS CAN CATCH THESE MOTHERFUCKING HANDS!!!!!

**how.very.onica:** DBSUDJSVDYSIDBDTSH S T O P

**how.very.onica:** I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW I’M SKIPPING SCHOOL TO GO SHOPPING LMAO CHILL

**martha-dunnstock:** … Just don’t get in trouble!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** but,,, can you,,,, buy me food,,,,,,

**how.very.onica:** ofc, what do you want

**hucklebettyfinn:** pizza sounds good

**how.very.onica:** ok! sausage and pepperoni like normal, right

**martha-dunnstock:** Oh, can you put pineapple on half of it for me??

**hucklebettyfinn:** [[gavin-meme.jpg](http://pixel.nymag.com/imgs/daily/selectall/2016/08/11/11-gavin.w710.h473.2x.jpg)]

**7.11.J.D:** Pineapple on Pizza is Good

**hucklebettyfinn:** [[same-gavin-meme-but-zoomed-in.jpg](http://oi67.tinypic.com/35m01lw.jpg)]

**martha-dunnstock:** Stop bullying us lol;; You don’t have to put the pineapple on there, it’s fine

**7.11.J.D:** Fuck Y’all I’m getting a Pineapple Pizza for Me and Martha And there’s Nothing You can Do To Stop me

**hucklebettyfinn:** how though… you’ve been de-wheeled…

**7.11.J.D:** Fuck it I’ll Walk

**how.very.onica:** jd no

**7.11.J.D:** J.D. Yes

**martha-dunnstock:** Fight the power!!! Vive la pineapple!!!!!

**martha-dunnstock:** Wait, how do you say “pineapple” in French

**how.very.onica:** ananas, but it’s masculine so it’d be “le,” /but/ since it starts with a vowel it’s l’ananas

**7.11.J.D:** Why is French so Complicated what the Fuck

**hucklebettyfinn:** german puts verbs at the end of sentences randomly, you don't get to talk

**7.11.J.D:** Ich kam zu viel Spaß haben und ich offen gesagt fühle mich so griffen an jetzt sofort

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:36am_

**how.very.onica:** duke what does “Ich kam zu viel Spaß haben und ich offen gesagt fühle mich so griffen an jetzt sofort” mean

**green:** jesus christ what kind of next level memeing fuck sent u that garbage

**how.very.onica:** jd

**green:** it all makes sense now

**green:** “i came out to have a good time and im honestly feeling so attacked right now”

**green:** tell jd i hate him for making me have to translate that

**yellow:** I hate him for making me read that

**red:** i hate that my friends keep TEXTING AND DRIVING INSTAED OF LOOKING AT THE FUCKIGN ROAD

**yellow:** [[gtgchicken.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/700728727919919106/zIGmXCk6.jpg)]

**green:** stop censoring me

**red:** i’ll stop censoring you when you stop doing dumb shit

**yellow:** Rude!!!

**how.very.onica:** heather works for the fcc and she's oppressing our right to be dumb teenagers who text and drive

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:40am_

**how.very.onica:** heather duke wanted me to tell you she hates you for making her have to translate that for me

**7.11.J.D:** Can’t Talk Jaywalking to Pizza Hut

**martha-dunnstock:** DON’T!!!!

**martha-dunnstock:** JAYWALK!!!!

**martha-dunnstock:** THAT’S!!!!!!

**martha-dunnstock:** DANGEROUS!!!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** i basically have to jaywalk with bubble wrap in my backpack or martha starts screaming soo, just use the crosswalks

**how.very.onica:** OH LMAO

**how.very.onica:** BETTY COME TO THE MALL

**hucklebettyfinn:** ????? lol why

**7.11.J.D:** Let’s All Go to the Mall

**martha-dunnstock:** Ehh, we shouldn’t /all/ skip classes today

**7.11.J.D:** Why Not

**martha-dunnstock:** Somebody needs to be there to collect the homework :/

**7.11.J.D:** Killjoy

**martha-dunnstock:** I don’t make the rules!!!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** it’s alright jd i’ll buy you something, veronica i’m omw

_**Today** 12:04pm_

**how.very.onica:** [h^3+v+b-selfie.jpg]

**martha-dunnstock:** Tell Heather McNamara that I think her hair looks pretty today!!

**7.11.J.D:** [[angry-chihuahua-meme.jpg](http://oi67.tinypic.com/2dsgvnq.jpg)]

**martha-dunnstock:** Your hair is pretty too J.D. :)

**martha-dunnstock:** It’s very curly!

**7.11.J.D:** [[happy-chihuahua-meme.jpg](http://oi68.tinypic.com/15p51sn.jpg)]

**how.very.onica:** ok we’re going to the food court now

_**Today** 12:16pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** MOTHERFUCK

**7.11.J.D:** ?????

**martha-dunnstock:** What’s going on???

**hucklebettyfinn:** VERONICA SHOVED ME INTO THE FOUNTAIN WTF

**7.11.J.D:** How is Your Phone not Wrecked

**hucklebettyfinn:** she pickpocketed it before she pushed me in

**7.11.J.D:** Chaotic Good

**martha-dunnstock:** Veronica why????????

**how.very.onica:** _how.very.onica: betty stop being a shit or i /will/ punt you into the fountain the next time we go to the mall_

**7.11.J.D:** And she Never Forgave

**7.11.J.D:** And she Never Forgot

**martha-dunnstock:** Why does that sound familiar to me :o

**hucklebettyfinn:** DON’T BE MAKING LOTR REFERENCES WHEN I’M SOAKING WET IN A MALL YOU C L O D

**martha-dunnstock:** Ohhh, I’m such a bad nerd haha

**how.very.onica:** will you stop yelling if i buy you new clothes

**hucklebettyfinn:** [[judge-judy-watch.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/Emg9qPKR5hquI/200.gif)]

**how.very.onica:** yeah yeah ok lmao

**how.very.onica:**  alas, my allowance and chore money, i knew you well

**hucklebettyfinn:** LESS HAMLET MORE OUTLET MALL

_**Today** 12:34pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** [betty-mirror-selfie.jpg]

**hucklebettyfinn:** this outfit is bomb as hell, consider us even now

**martha-dunnstock:** I love that top!!! Also how did you dry your hair :o

**hucklebettyfinn:** hand dryers in the bathroom, boi

**7.11.J.D:** Hm

**hucklebettyfinn:** you wanna talk shit?? [knife emoji x2]

**7.11.J.D:** [bomb emoji x5]

**martha-dunnstock:** Could you guys maybe go like, two seconds without pretending to fight???

**hucklebettyfinn:** nope

**7.11.J.D:** Afraid Not

**martha-dunnstock:** Sigh :(

**martha-dunnstock:** It was worth a try

**how.very.onica:** ok i said i’d buy stuff for you jd, is there anything you want ??

**how.very.onica:** did you manage to grab a toothbrush and stuff

**7.11.J.D:** Yeah as things Currently Stand I just need Clothes

**7.11.J.D:** Band T-shirts I guess

**how.very.onica:** does it matter which bands they are??

**7.11.J.D:** Of Course what kind of Poser Do you Take Me for

**7.11.J.D:** I mean Unless It’s a Hassle don’t Overspend

**how.very.onica:** nah i have coupons lol

**martha-dunnstock:** J.D., you like mostly indie rock, right?

**7.11.J.D:** Yeah but the Shirts will Probably be Covered By the Trenchcoat so you Can get Anything Veronica

**how.very.onica:** they only seem to have popularish ones

**how.very.onica:** how about a joy division shirt

**how.very.onica:** [[joy-division-unknown-pleasures-shirt.jpg](http://hottopic.scene7.com/is/image/HotTopic/995302_hi?%24pdp_hero_zoom%24)]

**7.11.J.D:** Sure

**hucklebettyfinn:** i’m buying candy, who wants some

**7.11.J.D:** I’m good Thanks

**martha-dunnstock:** I’d like Skittles or Sour Patch Kids, if you can find some ! :)

**hucklebettyfinn:** martha we’ve been friends for years, of course i know your favorite candies

**how.very.onica:** daww we’re all so cute

**7.11.J.D:** What are the Powerpuff Girls Up To

**how.very.onica:**  i actually don't know?

**martha-dunnstock:** Lol

**hucklebettyfinn:** you need to get them on those like child leashes

**martha-dunnstock:** I was a leash kid…

**hucklebettyfinn:** omg why

**martha-dunnstock:** I just wanted to see the otters at the zoo! I didn’t know I’d get lost!!!!

**7.11.J.D:** Rip

**how.very.onica:** ok false alarm, they were just in another aisle assaulting each other with jeans

**martha-dunnstock:** How does that even happen???

**martha-dunnstock:** Betty don’t answer that

**how.very.onica:** lolll, speaking of jeans, what kind of jeans do you want jd

**7.11.J.D:** I Actually wear them kind of Loose

**how.very.onica:** cool, cool [ok hand emoji x2] what size

**7.11.J.D:** Uhhh

**7.11.J.D:** 33x34

**7.11.J.D:** I’ll Pay you Back

**how.very.onica:** save your money for food, i’ve got you [peace sign hand emoji]

**martha-dunnstock:** So, are you guys skipping the rest of the school day??

**martha-dunnstock:** Or will it just be a few hours

**hucklebettyfinn:** idk, i’m staying out at least

**hucklebettyfinn:** i’ve had a taste of freedom and i’m never going back

**martha-dunnstock:** Poetic!! But impractical, and probably illegal

**hucklebettyfinn:** damn

**martha-dunnstock:** It’s alright Betty, we can watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off this week if you want

**martha-dunnstock:** When in doubt, live vicariously through fictional characters

**how.very.onica:** the real motto

**7.11.J.D:** Fuck Hakuna Matata

**hucklebettyfinn:** sounds good to me [sunglasses emoji]

**how.very.onica:** ohhhh shiiiiiiiitttt gtg

**martha-dunnstock** : What’s wrong? D:

**hucklebettyfinn:** i’ve never seen heather run before wow. weird

**7.11.J.D:** Don’t you have Gym With Them

**hucklebettyfinn:** lol jd thinks the heathers run in gym

**martha-dunnstock:** Which Heather ran off??? What’s going on :(

**martha-dunnstock:** I’m so confused

**hucklebettyfinn:** fuck, i spend /one/ day hanging out with them and now i’m forgetting the surnames too andgshdngdhn

**hucklebettyfinn:** chandler made a break for it, veronica went after her

**hucklebettyfinn:** i have veronica’s phone tho lolll

**7.11.J.D:** Uh

**how.very.onica:** beatriz betty lucila finn is my best friend, nay, /the/ best friend a girl could ever ask for

**how.very.onica:** shall i compare thee to a summer’s day, betty is hot as fucK DYSJDNDGJ

**hucklebettyfinn:** mac is a phone stealing whore

**martha-dunnstock** : :/

**hucklebettyfinn:** i’m jk it’s a reference to the lemon stealing whores, i’m not calling her an actual whore

**hucklebettyfinn:** get it, because yellow

**martha-dunnstock:** Yeah I understand

**7.11.J.D:** Well I better Not End up Homeless

**hucklebettyfinn:** what huh

**hucklebettyfinn:** OH

**hucklebettyfinn:** sorry jd i got carried away, i forgot you’re staying with chandler

**7.11.J.D:** It’s Fine just Be More Aware is all

**martha-dunnstock:** It’s alright J.D., it’s probably not that big of a deal :)

**martha-dunnstock:** Heather might have just seen something on sale?

**hucklebettyfinn:** i don’t think so, she looked at her phone and she got upset and ran away

**7.11.J.D:** Damn

**martha-dunnstock:** If it really comes down to it, I could look into homeless shelters in the area for you

**7.11.J.D:** Thanks Martha

**martha-dunnstock:** It’s the least I can do to help

**martha-dunnstock:** Have you looked into anything at an auto shop yet?

**7.11.J.D:** They want People with Real Job experience

**martha-dunnstock:** That’s too bad…

**hucklebettyfinn:** all else fails you could work at 7/11

**7.11.J.D:** Too Cliché

**hucklebettyfinn:** how about subway then?? decent wage, you could just make sandwiches and clean

**7.11.J.D:** I’ll look Into it

**martha-dunnstock:** You could probably get your teachers to put in a good word for you on the application !

**7.11.J.D:** Gross

**7.11.J.D:** I mean Great and Thanks You Guys

**martha-dunnstock:** It’s nothing!

**martha-dunnstock:** Betty, have Heather and Veronica come back yet?

**hucklebettyfinn:** nope, thinking of sending out a search party

**martha-dunnstock:** Text Heather?

**hucklebettyfinn:** lol you think i have heather’s username?

**7.11.J.D:** [[shut-up-it’s-fucking-red.gif](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/9b/c4/b3/9bc4b36b686da9695976779590f09654.jpg)]

**hucklebettyfinn:** HFRSINDFSUNCFSKF

**martha-dunnstock:** Omgg

**7.11.J.D:** Just Text her already

**hucklebettyfinn:** her username is actually just red?????

**7.11.J.D:** Yeah now Hurry Up

\--  
****

**Untitled Chatroom  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:48pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** hey roadrunner are you alright? where’d you take my best friend

**red:** roadrunner?????????????

**hucklebettyfinn:**  running

**red:** your joke is bad and you should feel bad

**hucklebettyfinn:** et tu, bitch?

**red:** anyway if you’re done sucking shakespeare’s dick

**hucklebettyfinn:** rude???

**red:** my mom called, the attendance office is full of snitches and fakes

**hucklebettyfinn:** [[kim-kardashian-tragic.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/BwRzjeqPnC6Dm/giphy.gif)]

**hucklebettyfinn:** at any rate hurry the fuck up, mama wants a new purse

**red:** lmfao never call yourself mama again

**red:** you /do/ realize they called your parents too, right

**hucklebettyfinn:** FCUK

**red:** rip beelzebub

**red:** i’ll bring back ronnie in a minute, i gotta freshen up my lipstick

**hucklebettyfinn:** saucy

**red:** wtf are you talking about

**hucklebettyfinn:** oh nothing

**hucklebettyfinn:** just make sure you treat our pure blueberry right. or martha will turn you into stew or something

**red:** wha

**red:** NO SHTI

**red:** nO IT ISN’t LKIE THAT IM sTRIAHGT

**hucklebettyfinn:** k, but you should really consider using autocorrect

**red:** never

**hucklebettyfinn:** wow i can’t believe heather chandler is actually amish

**red:** lmao die

**hucklebettyfinn:** that’s not very amish of you

**red:** will it be amish when i punch you in the solar plexus

**hucklebettyfinn:** wtf i thought you failed bio

**red:** nope just a rumor. fucking courtney

**hucklebettyfinn:** also yes have you ever seen amish mafia???

**red:** i didn’t know it was possible for a conversation to get this derailed ;/ anyway

**red:** we’re on our way back, don’t go anywhere

**hucklebettyfinn:** cant talk alredya runnign byeeeee

**red:**  seriously??

**hucklebettyfinn:**  [blurry-mall-photo.jpg]

**red:** WHAT HtEF UCK WHEN J FIND YOU WERE GONNA FIHGT!!!

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:57pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** veronica won’t talk to me

**7.11.J.D:** Why

**how.very.onica:** BECAUSE IM FUCKING P I S S E D

**hucklebettyfinn:** she speaks…

**hucklebettyfinn:** also IT WASN’T MY FAULT SHFVTAYF

**how.very.onica:** BETTY IS A PUNKASS LIAR

**martha-dunnstock:** What did Betty do this time???

**7.11.J.D:** Did she Try to like Rob a Subway

**hucklebettyfinn:** BITCH I WISH

**martha-dunnstock:** I DO NOT CONDONE ROBBERY BETTY!!!!!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** :^(

**7.11.J.D:** Betty is Whipped

**hucklebettyfinn:** joke’s on you, i’m not whipped, i just genuinely love and adore my friends

**martha-dunnstock:** Aw, thanks!!!! :)

**how.very.onica:** NOT ENOUGH TO NOT GET US KICKED OUT OF THE MALL, APPARENTLY!!!!!!

**martha-dunnstock:** WHAT??? WHY????????

**martha-dunnstock:** DO I NEED TO BREAK OPEN MY PIGGY BANK FOR BAIL MONEY OR WHAT???

**7.11.J.D:** Not Sure what’s Funnier: Martha still Using a Piggy bank or that She has Enough Money In it to Post Bail

**martha-dunnstock:** IT WAS FIGURATIVE, JERK!!!!!

**7.11.J.D:** JHFTSUBDFDG

**how.very.onica:** so basically chandler was texting betty and then all of a sudden she just

**how.very.onica:** yanks on my hand and starts sprinting?????? my poor wrist

**how.very.onica:** and i guess betty did the same with mac and duke because mall security cornered all of us and we got kicked out ahcvaugdgcn

**hucklebettyfinn:** my honor was on the line, you would’ve done the same thing

**how.very.onica:** ?????? doubtful

**hucklebettyfinn:** oW MARTHA VERONICA HIT ME PLEASE GROUND HER

**martha-dunnstock:** No

**7.11.J.D:** Martha “the absolute Savage” Dunnstock

**how.very.onica:** [[thenks-mather-for-my-life.jpg](http://www.index.hr/lajk/thumbnail.ashx?path=Images/UserImages/Original/Image_16092.jpg&width=618)]

**how.very.onica:** betty, apologize for getting us kicked out

**hucklebettyfinn:** lol i like how you assume it’s my fault

**how.very.onica:** but when isn’t it

**hucklebettyfinn:** ………….. lol, true, but you left me alone with my ex and her new gf. awkward

**how.very.onica:** say you’re sorry

**hucklebettyfinn:** *spits blood in your face* fuck you

**7.11.J.D:** Me Too

**martha-dunnstock:** Betty, if you don’t apologize I’m never going to loiter at Subway with you again

**hucklebettyfinn:** KDBDGNhgdshcj okay sorry

**7.11.J.D:** So What are You gonna Do Now

**how.very.onica:** well, we’ve missed enough of the school day that i don’t see any point in going back, so

**how.very.onica:** lemme consult the heathers

_**Today** 1:04pm_

**how.very.onica:** ok we’re going to duke’s place because her parents are at work until like six

**hucklebettyfinn:** if her house isn’t literally entirely green i’m gonna be disappointed

**martha-dunnstock:** It’s not

**martha-dunnstock** : Well, at least it wasn’t when I was there last? In like fifth grade?

**7.11.J.D:** Im Picturing the house from the Live Action Cat in the Hat

**how.very.onica:** why did you have to remind me that movie existed

**hucklebettyfinn:** imagine jim carrey’s grinch in heather’s greenest jacket

**hucklebettyfinn:** GAHD SG MURDER ATTEMPT #2

**martha-dunnstock:** I don’t wanna be mean, but… if Veronica tried to push you out of the car, you kind of had it coming

**hucklebettyfinn:** NO I TOOK MY OWN CAR, THEY TRIED TO RAM INTO ME SBSKKNHSJ

**martha-dunnstock:** STOP!!! TEXTING!!! AND DRIVING!!!!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** I COJLD HAVE DIED

**martha-dunnstock:** THAT TOO

**how.very.onica:** duke is a good driver, you’ll live

**how.very.onica:** and so will your car, if you were worried about that

**7.11.J.D:** The Heathers have Truly turned Veronica From a True Neutral to A Chaotic Good it's Official

**martha-dunnstock:** Actually, I think she was always a chaotic good

**how.very.onica:** pssshhhh nah

**martha-dunnstock:** Didn’t you try to cut holes in Kurt and Ram’s backpacks so their drugs would fall out sophomore year???

**how.very.onica:** …

**7.11.J.D:** Wild

**hucklebettyfinn:** jd you literally shot blanks at them

**7.11.J.D:** Blocked

**martha-dunnstock:** You also kissed Kurt solely to piss him off the other day :/

**7.11.J.D:** Also Blocked

**how.very.onica:** we stole ms fleming’s dog and you ninja'd into her house to replace him with a cat named reginald

**7.11.J.D:** Yeah and it Was Amazing

**how.very.onica:** conscience machine is broken

**hucklebettyfinn:** ME

**how.very.onica:** oh i think we’re here, talk later byeee

**martha-dunnstock:** I feel distinctly replaced

**7.11.J.D:** At least it took Three Whole People to Replace you

**martha-dunnstock:** J.D. that’s not helpful :(

**7.11.J.D:** It was a Joke

**martha-dunnstock:** Like my life :(

**7.11.J.D:** Martha Nooooo

**7.11.J.D:** Look, You have Study hall for Another like Half An Hour

**martha-dunnstock** : What does that have to do with anything..???

**7.11.J.D:** Just Video chat them, Minehan Won’t Care

**martha-dunnstock:** Oh!!! Very true, he’s a human honey badger

**7.11.J.D:** … Martha you need to Seriously Update your Meme Repertoire

**martha-dunnstock:** I know :(

**martha-dunnstock:** Well, I’ll call them now, I’ll tell them you said hi

**7.11.J.D:** I Didn’t though

**martha-dunnstock:** J.D., be nice

**7.11.J.D:** What’s a Nice I don’t Know her

**martha-dunnstock:** Sigh :/

\--  
****

**Video Call  
**

**Martha Dunnstock → Beatriz "Betty" Finn**

_1:12pm_

BETTY props her phone up on a table, fussing with it for a minute before leaning back in her chair. She seems to be at a dinner table, and her hair is pulled back into a ponytail. Unlike MARTHA, she isn’t wearing her glasses. MARTHA sits up straighter in her seat and grins, tucking a strand of hair back behind her ear.

**MARTHA:** Oh, Betty! I wasn’t sure if you would pick up. Hi!

BETTY furrows her brows and sighs, leaning forward on her elbows.

**BETTY:** Why are you calling /me/? Couldn’t you call Ronnie? You know her phone battery is better.

**MARTHA:** Veronica’s kinda lazy, she doesn’t always charge her phone. And lately she just doesn’t pick up because she’s busy Heather-taming. Anyway, could you give me a Duke house tour?

DUKE’s head peeks into frame and she glares at BETTY suspiciously.

**DUKE:** Hey Beelzebub, no phones in the party zone.

BETTY picks up her phone and holds it out to DUKE as evidence.

**BETTY:** It’s Martha. You want me to hang up on our Lord and savior? Not a chance.

DUKE shrugs and moves somewhere off-camera. VERONICA pops up behind BETTY suddenly, sporting the other girl’s glasses and a messy bun.

**VERONICA:** Oh, Martha! Hey, I’m really sorry we ditched you… again. Next time you can come along and we’ll leave Betty behind, yeah?

MARTHA laughs as BETTY sticks her tongue out at VERONICA.

**BETTY:** My glasses look ugly on you anyway. Gimme.

BETTY makes grabby hands. VERONICA rolls her eyes and readily hands them over.

**VERONICA:** That’s OK, they look ugly on you too.

BETTY makes an offended sound as she slips her glasses back on, and MARTHA giggles again.

**MARTHA:** So, what are the Heathers up to?

**VERONICA:** I don’t know, gaying? I’ll check on ‘em.

VERONICA hurries out of view and BETTY starts humming the Jeopardy theme.

**MARTHA:** Now I’m gonna have that stuck in my head in pre-calc next hour. I hope you’re happy, Betty.

BETTY stops humming and shrugs, giving MARTHA a look that says “ain’t I a stinker?” The answer is yes, BETTY certainly is.

**BETTY:** Oh, did you and J.D. get your trash pizza?

**MARTHA:** Hey, it was /not/ trash! It just had pineapples on it, and it was delicious.

BETTY laughs and VERONICA returns looking somewhat haggard.

**MARTHA:** Hey Veronica! Did the Heathers burn the place down yet?

VERONICA plops down next to BETTY and tilts the phone so she’s more in-frame.

**VERONICA:** Not yet. Right now they’re arguing over what channel to watch, but Duke keeps stealing the remote because--

VERONICA clears her throat and attempts a passable impression of DUKE.

**VERONICA:** “My house, my rules! Welcome to Heather’s Fuckdome, assholes! We watch Scrubs reruns like men!”

**MARTHA:** I think Heather Duke is actually just a walking meme.

BETTY chokes on her laughter and VERONICA nods in agreement.

**MARTHA:** So what are you guys up to?

**VERONICA:** We’re just gonna sit tight until Duke’s parents come home, her parents will probably want to yell at her for skipping.

**BETTY:** You and JD could join us after school if you want.

**MARTHA:** Are you sure you should be inviting people to someone else’s house?

BETTY shrugs.

**MARTHA:** Could we get a ride? You know, since JD lost his motorbike and all…

**BETTY:** You’re paying for the gas.

VERONICA stares at BETTY disappointedly, arms crossed.

**BETTY:** What did I do this time? I chauffeur everybody around all the time, this is the first time I’ve asked for money. I think that’s reasonable.

**VERONICA:** Be a little nicer though?

**BETTY:** How.

**MARTHA:** “Why yes, Martha, I’d be glad to give you two a ride. It sure sucks about J.D.’s bike. If you could pay me back for the gas, though, that would be nice!”

**BETTY:** How do you just… do that naturally?... New cryptid: Martha’s kindness.

**VERONICA:** Martha’s kindness is always a thing though. Your kindness is more of a cryptid than hers is.

**BETTY:** Oh shit, you’re right. I'm a fool.

MCNAMARA walks in behind them and peers at the phone curiously.

**MAC:** Hey traitor, who’re you talking to?

VERONICA turns around to face her.

**VERONICA:** Me traitor, or her traitor?

VERONICA points between herself and BETTY, who flips off VERONICA. MAC laughs.

**MAC:** Both.

**VERONICA:** We’ve got Mother Theresa on speed dial.

MARTHA rolls her eyes and speaks up.

**MARTHA:** It’s me, Martha. I’m just bored in study hall so I thought I’d check in with them.

**MAC:** OK. Chandler’s getting salty so I’m gonna have to steal them back, but you could come over later to hang out or something if you want.

**BETTY:** Ha! I was right, I told you that you could come over.

**MAC:** I mean, my wonderful girlfriend might mind a little, but she’ll get over it fast. She’s reasonable.

MAC stares at BETTY pointedly.

**BETTY:** Yeah, yeah, lesson learned, don’t break up over text, etcetera etcetera.

**VERONICA:** Sorry Martha, gotta motor. Chill with us if you can, OK?

**MARTHA:** I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Can J.D. tag along?

MAC raises her voice slightly so the other Heathers can hear from the other room.

**MAC:** Hey Heather, can Dunnstock and Neo come over?

**CHANDLER, somewhere offscreen:** WHO THE FUCK IS NEO?

**MAC** : Trenchcoat!

**CHANDLER, still offscreen:** TELL HIM TO GET CORN NUTS!

**VERONICA:** GO TELL HIM YOURSELF, PIPPI LONGSTOCKING, HE’S NOT ON CALL WITH US!

MARTHA and BETTY laugh so hard that they cry a little. MARTHA wipes a tear out of her eye and beams at her friends.

**MARTHA:** I’d better go. Thanks for talking to me, I’ll see what I can do about visiting!

**VERONICA:** Bye Martha!

**MARTHA:** Love you guys!

BETTY is still too breathless to respond, so she just puts up a hand, grins, and waves a little before she hangs up.

**Video Call Ended**

_1:23pm_

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:25pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Hey J.D., they invited us over after school! Do you want to come with?

**7.11.J.D:** I mean as Long as I’m not Intruding then I’d be Glad to

**martha-dunnstock:** Don’t worry, the invite is for both of us! :)

**martha-dunnstock:** Oh, but Heather Chandler wants us to pick up Corn Nuts on the way

**7.11.J.D:** How I don’t Have a Bike Anymore

**7.11.J.D:** It’s Probably been Dumped at a Scrap yard By now

**martha-dunnstock:** Oops! My bac, Betty’s picking us up. I should’ve mentioned that first :/

**7.11.J.D:** Apology Accepted

**7.11.J.D:** Let’s meet Up at the Back Parking lot After School Yeah

**martha-dunnstock:** Sounds good!!

**7.11.J.D:** Betty had better Check her Phone Before she Gets here though

**martha-dunnstock:** Lol

\--  
****

**Untitled Chatroom  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:57pm_

**red:** beelzebub holy shit how is ronnie so perfect?

**red:** GDJGSGDH

**red:** like the perfect friend. even while assaulting my other friends with pillows

**hucklebettyfinn:** smooth recovery

**red:** oh fuck /off/

**hucklebettyfinn:** lol. ronnie’s amazing, but she’s not perfect, tho, she's only human

**red:** well duh, but she’s still amazing

**hucklebettyfinn:** an amazing friend, yeah, but she’s not like, indestructable?

**red:** ik, why are you hammering that in

**red:** what does she do, eat kittens?

**red:** does ronnie eat kittens beelzebub

**hucklebettyfinn:** nah, nah, but like

**hucklebettyfinn:** ehhh idk i probably shouldn’t tell you, forget it

**red:** well congrats, now you’ve piqued my interest. you can't just say cryptic stuff and expect me to drop it

**hucklebettyfinn:** mistakes have been made

**hucklebettyfinn:** look, normally i’d tell you but i’m trying to be more mindful of other people’s feelings, so

**red:** fair. so it’s something personal?

**hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, the sort of thing veronica would want to tell you herself

**red:** got it. we better get off our phones before duke tries to rope us into world war iii

_hucklebettyfinn has named the conversation “[swiss flag emoji]”._

_**Today** 2:02pm_

**red:** why

**hucklebettyfinn:** neutral zone

**red:** okay dweebasaurus

**hucklebettyfinn:** aw you totally picked that up from ronnie, that’s so gay

**red:** not gay, but ronnie is hilarious, can you blame me

**hucklebettyfinn:** can’t say i do

**hucklebettyfinn:** okay phones down, popcorn out (for harambe)

**red:** god do you ever shut up

**hucklebettyfinn:** no

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:24pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DITCHED US AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

**7.11.J.D:** If I Still had my Bike we could Crash Their Party

**martha-dunnstock:** /FUCK!!!!!!/

**7.11.J.D:** JNFGSHDNDFSB

**7.11.J.D:** W E COULD H ITCHHIKE ?

**martha-dunnstock:** NO THAT’S DANGEROUS

**7.11.J.D:** Maybe We should just Wait

**martha-dunnstock:** NO FUCK THEM!!!!!! I’VE ALREADY BEEN WAITING FOR TWENTY MINUTES

**7.11.J.D:** Let’s Walk to Your Place then

**7.11.J.D:** I Probably shouldn’t be Alone at Casa del Chandler

_**Today** 5:31pm_

**how.very.onica:** why did we try to marathon lotr knowing we only had four hours to hang out….

**how.very.onica:** the extended version of the first movie is three and a half hours long…… morons, all of us

**hucklebettyfinn:** hey, at least we get to hang out while i’m driving you home

**how.very.onica:** betty, listening to you scream the words to fabulous isn’t hanging out. you're blasting it so loudi can't even hear myself speak

**how.very.onica:** in some countries that could be considered a form of torture

**hucklebettyfinn:** this is the peak of panphobia

**hucklebettyfinn:** if we weren’t literally best friends i would make you get out and walk

**how.very.onica:** wow i’m so grateful

**martha-dunnstock:** WHAT IN THE SHIT YOU GUYS???

**hucklebettyfinn:** ?????????

**how.very.onica:** why are you swearing? whose ass do i need to kick

**7.11.J.D:** Your own

**7.11.J.D:** Scroll Up

**martha-dunnstock:** I’M PISSED!!!!!!!! YOU FORGOT ABOUT US!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** /shit/

**how.very.onica:** betty this is your fault

**hucklebettyfinn:** UM HOW IS IT /MY/ FAULT?????

**how.very.onica:** DUDE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PICK THEM UP FROM SCHOOL

**hucklebettyfinn:** YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO REMIND ME

**7.11.J.D:** Set a Reminder On your Own Damn Phone

**martha-dunnstock:** SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTNG YOU /MASSIVE LOSERS!!!!!!!!/

**martha-dunnstock:** Look, all I want is an apology, and for both of you to promise that this won’t happen again

**hucklebettyfinn:** well it’s probably gonna happen again if RONNIE DOESN'T REMIND ME LIKE SHE’S SUPPOSED TO

**how.very.onica:** lol, stop trying to start shit, own up to your mistakes

**how.very.onica:** i’m beginning to notice a trend

**hucklebettyfinn:** hey, i owned up to breaking up with heather, it was a dick move

**martha-dunnstock:** NOT!!!! RELEVANT!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!! APOLOGIZE!!!!

**7.11.J.D:** Y’all Oh my God just Apologize Already

**martha-dunnstock:** Y………. I was going to yell at Betty and Veronica some more but we need to address the fact that J.D. just said “y’all”

**7.11.J.D:** I Already Said it Earlier Today

**7.11.J.D:** I’m from Texas What Did you Expect

**how.very.onica:** better things

**hucklebettyfinn:** lol, jd do you hide your Texan Accent™ by freezing your vocal cords with slushies

**martha-dunnstock:** I don’t think that’s how it works…

**hucklebettyfinn:** [[jokes.jpg](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/021/023/jokes.jpg)]

**7.11.J.D:** Anyway Apologize to the Best person Ever

**martha-dunnstock:** Aw, thanks J.D.!!!

**7.11.J.D:** I meant to Veronica but You’re cool Too

**7.11.J.D:** Betty must Atone for her Crimes

**hucklebettyfinn:**  wow

**how.very.onica:** sorry martha, i won’t let betty do this to you again

**hucklebettyfinn:** sgsjbcrsjdbcf and i thought martha was the babysitter

**hucklebettyfinn:** but yeah i’m sorry too, i’ll Set a Reminder On my Own Damn Phone or whatever

**martha-dunnstock:** :)

**7.11.J.D:** Stop Dragging me I’m only a Boy

**how.very.onica:** you’re the oldest out of everybody

**7.11.J.D:** Fuck

**7.11.J.D:** Wait even Chandler?

**how.very.onica:** yup

**7.11.J.D:** [[horse-playing-saxophone.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/zZGR1k4Sm6Tfi/giphy.gif)]

**how.very.onica:** the heathers are suspiciously silent, let’s hope they’re about to prank call betty again

**hucklebettyfinn:** you are being so mean to me today

**hucklebettyfinn:** it’s okay i love you too

**how.very.onica:** [blue heart emoji]

**how.very.onica:** i’d better check on them for real tho

**7.11.J.D:** Bye Have fun Herding Cats

**martha-dunnstock:** Good luck!! And Betty, please get off the phone!!

**hucklebettyfinn:** okay, last text i send while drivinGHhgf

**how.very.onica:** don’t worry i took her phone

**martha-dunnstock:** Tell her to drive safe!!!

**how.very.onica:** ok!

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:43pm_

**how.very.onica:** hey, what’s up stoplight

**yellow:** Stoplight??

**how.very.onica:** green, yellow, and red

**yellow:** Oh lol, we just dropped off chandler, now we’re on our way to my place

**how.very.onica:** how’s she doing??

**yellow:** Idk she’s probably getting reamed out by her parents, so not well??

**how.very.onica:** yikesss, how about you?

**yellow:** My dad’ll be home any minute but he won’t mind ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**how.very.onica:** [[god-i-wish-that-were-me.jpg](https://pics.me.me/bigjb21-oct-16-2012-god-i-wish-that-were-me-2989430.png)]

**green:** ten bucks says my parentsll ground me from my laptop

**how.very.onica:** lol why would you bet on that

**green:** i dont have one

**how.very.onica:** skdbysjdhcg what omg

**yellow:** She sold it to some robotics nerds back in may, her parents don’t know yet

**green:** #worthit

_**Today** 6:25pm_

**green:** LMAO THEY GROUNDED ME FROM MY TV

**green:** I HAVENT TURNED THAT THING ON IN LITERAL YEARS

**how.very.onica:** lmfOo

**yellow:** My dad just patted me on the shoulder and said “just don’t do it again sweetie”

**yellow:** And now we’re baking a cake

**how.very.onica:** WTF

**green:** macs dad tbh

**green:** [[youre-doing-amazing-sweetie.jpg](http://oi64.tinypic.com/2cwwqxh.jpg)]

**yellow:** Basically

**how.very.onica:** i think the only time i met papa mac was at a sixth grade dance

**green:** lol didnt he offer u his jacket when u spilled punch on urself heather

**yellow:** Yup that’s my dad

**how.very.onica:** not all heroes wear capes

**how.very.onica:** oh, have you guys heard from heather yet?? there’s a void in this chat that only her keyboard smashing can fill

**yellow:** Nope, she hasn’t sent anything to me

**green:** i have half a mind to start sending out signal flares

**yellow:** That might not be a bad idea actually

**how.very.onica:** assuming heather knows what flares mean

**yellow:** It’s in the official heathers membership manual

**green:** didnt we legit try to make one at some point

**yellow:** I don’t think so, just scrapbooks

**how.very.onica:** no mean girls burn book? smh what kind of clique are you

**yellow:** One that’s two-thirds gay

**green:** [green heart emoji]

**yellow:** [yellow heart emoji]

**how.very.onica:** ok fr tho, has anyone tried calling heather

**yellow:** Why not just ask the babadook

**how.very.onica:** the what now

**green:** slushiefucker69

**how.very.onica:** your nicknames don’t even make sense anymore

**yellow:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**how.very.onica:** betty forgot to give jd and martha a ride over to duke’s, so they walked to martha’s

**how.very.onica:** he’s probably still there

**green:** ok ill try calling her if ure worried

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Heather Duke → Heather Chandler**

_6:29pm_

**HC:** This is my answering machine. You can leave a message if you want, but I’ll just delete it. Don’t waste your time or mine. [long beep]

**HD:** Hey loser, it’s me. Call me back.

**Call Ended**

_6:29pm_

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:29pm_

**green:** just her answering machine

**yellow:** Damn :/ try calling again? You know heather, she’ll get annoyed with the ringing and pick up eventually

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Heather Duke → Heather Chandler**

_6:30pm_

**HC:** This is my answering machine. You can leave a message if you want, but I’ll just delete it. Don’t waste your time or mine. [long beep]

**HD:** [sing-song] I know you’re there…! Pick up already. I don’t wanna blow up your phone but you gotta call me.

**Call Ended**

_6:31pm_

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:31pm_

**green:** zilch

**yellow:** Call again!!! What are you doing!!!!

**how.very.onica:** nah i think we should stop calling

**yellow:** Wtf why would we stop calling!!!!!! I’m worried about her now!!!!

**how.very.onica:** i’m sure it’s nothing, chill

**yellow:** Veronica, you’re the one that wanted us to call in the first place, what gives

**green:** yea chill heather its fine

**green:** im sure shell call back eventually

**yellow:** ?????????? WTF HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU IM FREAKING OUT

**green:** hang on babe ill call you

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Heather Duke → Heather McNamara**

_6:33pm_

**HM:** WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!

**HD:** Babe holy shit calm down, you’re gonna have a panic attack.

**HM:** I’M ALREADY HALFWAY THERE SO WHY NOT!

**HD:** Shit. I’m really sorry Heather, just… breathe in really slow for me while I explain what’s going on. Or like, what me and Ronnie seem to think is going on.

**HM:** … OK. [inhales slowly]

**HD:** So I’m pretty sure Heather’s mom has her phone. Or her dad. It doesn’t really matter, either way things suck.

**HM:** [exhales] You don’t think they’re reading her texts, do you?

**HD:** I don’t know, but Veronica seems to, so I’m playing along.

**HM:** Oh fuck.

**HD:** What?

**HM:** What if they read through heather cubed redux?

**HD:** … Oh fuck. They better not, or else Heather is screwed.

**HM:** Do you think they’d let Slushies McGee in if we sent him over there to break her out?

**HD:** Not a chance. If they read her messages, they'll know he's been living there.

**HM:** Us?

**HD:** Probably not, if they saw all the gay shit. And that means no Veronica either, they know who she is from when Chandler Supreme caught us with the waterslide.

**HM:** … What about Dunnstock?

**HD:** [snorts] No way.

**HM:** But think about it. Nice, respectable, nerdy straight girl? She could bring over homework or something, say she’s helping Heather catch up on what she missed… It’s perfect.

**HD:** Well, if Dumptruck is getting involved, we’d better start a new chat with Veronica. And remember to add the dork circus.

**HM:** Let’s mission impossible this motherfucker. [blows kiss into receiver]

**Call Ended**

_6:37pm_

\--  
****

**Heather Chandler Liberation Front  
** ****

_**Today** 6:38pm_

_yellow has added green, how.very.onica, hucklebettyfinn, martha-dunnstock, and 7.11.J.D. to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 6:39pm_

**yellow:** Okay here’s what’s up: we think chandler’s parents have her phone, so we want martha to go check on her

**martha-dunnstock:** Would they let me in??

**green:** if theyve read heathers messages then they know me heather ronnie and betty werent at school so were out

**green:** and were kinda banking on u bringing homework to “help heather catch up”

**martha-dunnstock:** Okay, I’ll do it. Are you driving me?

**hucklebettyfinn:** i can drive, atone for my sins of forgetting martha and jd earlier

**how.very.onica:** then what?

**green:** thats where i was hoping ud come in i cant figure out how to get her phone back

**how.very.onica:** well, we don’t need to get it /back/, we can have martha slip her a new one that her parents won’t know about

**yellow:** Oh my god you’re a genius

**7.11.J.D:** Where are we Going to get a Phone

**how.very.onica:** the heathers are all loaded, they can just buy one

**yellow:** But how is the phone gonna get to martha if we’re doing this all at the same time??

**how.very.onica:** ok 1) duke will pick up martha and jd  
2) they’ll go to the store and buy the phone (since duke is the one with both a car and spending money, no offense betty)  
3) you guys and betty can meet up in the parking lot and she can drive j &m over. duke can go home, heather’s parents would recognize her jeep  
4) martha can text betty when she wants to get picked up

**hucklebettyfinn:** how are we gonna smuggle jd in with her parents on red alert tho

**7.11.J.D:** Drop me Off A Block Away and I’ll Figure it Out

**green:** doesnt exactly inspire confidence but ill trust u just this once trenchcoat boy

**green:** im already on my way i should be there soon

**yellow:** Keep me and veronica posted

_**Today** 7:06pm_

**how.very.onica:** uh, status update anyone??

**green:** we got the phone

**green:** loser squad are en route to heathers place

**7.11.J.D:** Betty just Tried to Dab while Driving my Life Flashed Before my eyes

**yellow:** Jesus christ

**how.very.onica:** don’t tell me you forgot the donut incident [eyes emoji]

**yellow:** Oh yeah, never mind

**martha-dunnstock:** So, when we get there, do I just go up to the door and knock??? Or do they have a doorbell??? What should I say???

**green:** yea theyve got a doorbell

**yellow:** “Hey, I’m Martha, I’m one of Heather’s classmates? I noticed she wasn’t at school today, so I thought I’d drop off some notes for her”

**7.11.J.D:** But That won’t get her Inside

**martha-dunnstock:** I could say my handwriting is really bad so she’ll need me to decode it??

**how.very.onica:** martha you’re a genius and ily

**martha-dunnstock:** Thank you!!! I just hope this will all work out alright for Heather

**hucklebettyfinn:** well it better, we’re dropping off jd now so we’ll be there in a minute

**7.11.J.D:** This is gonna be Terrifying

**green:** good luck guys

**yellow:** Thanks for doing this, we owe you one

_**Today** 7:13pm_

**martha-dunnstock:** Ugh, her parents seem like such nice people!!!! Why do they have to be secretly jerks!!!! Why can’t they just be ACTUALLY NICE!!!!!!

**how.very.onica:** have you seen heather yet

**martha-dunnstock:** I’m on my way to her room right now, they stalled me a little

**hucklebettyfinn:** is jd inside yet???

**7.11.J.D:** No

**yellow:** UM WHY NOT

**how.very.onica:** heather, chill

**7.11.J.D:** Her Parents are on red Alert I Can’t get In

**green:** martha was the distraction jackass u couldve snuck in while she was talking to them

**7.11.J.D:** … Shit

**7.11.J.D:** Ok I’ll Figure something Out

**hucklebettyfinn:** if all else fails, i could come pick you up when i get martha??

**7.11.J.D:** No I’m getting In One Way or Another

**yellow:** Well, as long as you don’t light anything on fire ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**martha-dunnstock:** Heather is alright!!!!

**how.very.onica:** thank GOD

**yellow:** Thanks martha

**green:** make sure she gets her new phone

**martha-dunnstock:** Yup, I did, she’s just setting up a new account and stuff. I’ll add her in when she’s done

**martha-dunnstock:** She’s just really, /really/ angry, so

**hucklebettyfinn:** is she gonna turn into the hulk’s red cousin

**martha-dunnstock:** I mean, no??? But she punched a hole in her wall

**green:** FHFBSTHDB

**yellow:** WHAT HOLY SHIT

**how.very.onica:** and her hand isn’t bleeding…??

**martha-dunnstock:** Nope, her hand was already patched up when I got here

**martha-dunnstock:** So how long should I stay here to make it believable??

**hucklebettyfinn:** i’d say two hours, i can get you again at like nine

**yellow:** Will heather will be okay on her own after that

**green:** well if trenchcunt had snuck in when he was supposed to wed have someone to make sure of that

**7.11.J.D:** I’m Working On It

_martha-dunnstock has added redqueen to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 7:16pm_

**green:** lol is that rly the name u went with

**redqueen:** shut up heather you can suck my whole ass

**yellow:** Are you okay????

**redqueen:** tbh? i’m about as well as i can be, i’m not hurt, but i never am

**redqueen:** how’s jd faring? i’m assuming he isn’t stupid enough to try to sneak in right now

**7.11.J.D:** Nope

**7.11.J.D:** I’m just Setting Up a Distraction

**green:** what do u mean

**redqueen:** for the love of fuck, do NOT

**redqueen:** sleeping on the street is probably safer than in this house right now

**martha-dunnstock:** Are we in danger?? What’s going on

**hucklebettyfinn:** why is martha typing

**redqueen:** my parents are probably listening in, we’re holding a fake convo about school out loud

**yellow:** Jeez

**how.very.onica:** if jd can’t stay at your place, could he sleep in betty's car?

**hucklebettyfinn:** it'd be a little risky, but he probably could

**7.11.J.D:** Trust Me I Know what I’m Doing

**redqueen:** jd, i’m way too tired for this shit

**redqueen:** just sleep in betty’s car and we can try to smuggle you in again tomorrow

**7.11.J.D:** But I Already Set up Firecrackers in the Lawn

**how.very.onica:** we said no fire

**7.11.J.D:** They’re just Firecrackers they’re Not gonna Light Anything on Fire

**7.11.J.D:** … Probably

**redqueen:** okay fuck it, just go for it, we have sprinklers anyway

**redqueen:** be ready to run like hell for the back door

**redqueen:** GIDNTSHF

**redqueen:** HOLY FUCK HOW MANY FIRECKARERS DID HEH AVE ON HIM?????????

**martha-dunnstock:** THAT WAS SO LOUD OH MY GOD JD RUN

**7.11.J.D:** IM IN

**how.very.onica:** /JD RUN!!!!!/

**7.11.J.D:** STAIRS

**hucklebettyfinn:** COME ON USAIN BOLT I BELIEVE IN YOU

**7.11.J.D:** HOUSE TOK FUCKIGN BIG SMHF iM DYING

**7.11.J.D:** OPENDOR I HEarTehm

**yellow:** JEUSS HCIRYS

**redqueen:** INTO THE WARDROBE

**martha-dunnstock:** OKAY WE’RE SAFE!!

**green:** i didnt think secondhand terror was a thing but ive just been proven wrong

**yellow:** MY ANDS ARE SHAHIJGN AND IM NOT EVEN THERE

**hucklebettyfinn:** i just started clapping. i can’t believe you made me do the white person clapping thing

**how.very.onica:** how did we actually pull that off, omg

**martha-dunnstock:** I!!!! Am so proud of us!!!!!

**redqueen:** jd did you remember to close the back door

**7.11.J.D:** Yeah

**7.11.J.D:** And Don’t Worry about Fingerprints on the Firecrackers I wore Gloves

**martha-dunnstock:** How did you get so many????????

**7.11.J.D:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**redqueen:** alright, time to hold up a fake convo about math or whatever until dunnstock can leave

**martha-dunnstock:** You can call me Martha!!

**redqueen:** … okay, i guess

**redqueen:** i don’t know how you managed this, but thanks

**green:** ill show u the chat history at school tomorrow lol

**how.very.onica:** stay safe guys, call me if you need anything

_**Today** 9:03pm_

**hucklebettyfinn:** okay i’ve retrieved martha, chandler and jd are on their own now

**green:** how are u doing

**redqueen:** imagine that scene in jurassic park where the kids are hiding from the raptors

**redqueen:** now replace the raptors with evil parents

**yellow:** Oh, where’s the dog been this whole time

**7.11.J.D:** He was in the Backyard when I ran By So I Got him

**redqueen:** that reminds me, could you take him, heather

**green:** me or my beautiful and perfect gf

**redqueen:** the other one

**yellow:** Aw [yellow heart emoji]

**green:** [green heart emoji]

**yellow:** I bet I could, let me ask my dad

_**Today** 9:07pm_

**yellow:** Okay yeah, he’s willing to stop by with me tomorrow and distract your parents while we get the dog  >:3€

**redqueen:** god i wish your dad were my dad instead of mr chandler

**yellow:** I’m sorry things suck, heather

**green:** ill fight ur parents

**7.11.J.D:** You’ll Lose

**green:** BITCH

**how.very.onica:** ok let’s save this chat for emergencies, yeah?

**hucklebettyfinn:** agreed, it feels weird to be interacting with everyone at once

_redqueen has named the conversation “emergency hell chat”.  
****_

_**Today** 9:09pm_

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Veronica Sawyer → Heather Chandler (New Phone)**

_2:46am_

**HC:** [yawn] What’s up?

**VS:** Oh fuck, were you asleep?

**HC:** It’s two in the morning, of course I was asleep. But who gives a shit? I’ve already hauled myself onto the roof, so. Spill.

**VS:** [laughter] Sorry, sorry, it’s just funny to me that we’re doing this late-night phone call thing again. Two nights in a row. Or is it mornings?

**HC:** Come on Ronnie, don’t stall, what’s going on? I thought I was the one who was gonna be calling you at ass o’clock for help.

**VS:** [snorts] Ass o’clock?

**HC:** Damn it, I have to stop being funny. What’s bugging you already? Seriously, I’m getting pissed off.

**VS:** [long pause] … I just… wanted to hear your voice? But not for what you might think, I was-- it’s stupid. I’m stupid.

**HC:** OK, Miss AP Classes.

**VS:** That was last year. And that’s not what I mean.

**HC:** Then what do you mean?

**VS:** … I’m sorry, I can’t tell you.

**HC:** … Well. I’m not gonna lie, it pisses me off that you can’t, but like, everyone has their secrets. It’s whatever.

**VS:** Thanks for understanding.

**HC:** Let me tell you something. Did Martha tell you about the hole in my wall?

**VS:** Yeah. You hurt your hand, right?

**HC:** No. My-- Mr. Chandler, he made the hole with a hammer. Like, to scare me, then wrapped up my hand so they could blame me for it.

**VS:** What the fuck? Why? That doesn’t make sense.

**HC:** Exactly. It’s their way of like, fucking with me? Trying to convince me that I did it and they didn’t.

**VS:** But you know you didn’t.

**HC:** Yeah, I know I didn’t. Like, I was there, I saw everything. … But even though I know that I know, I still doubt myself? Like, just a little. But it freaks me out.

**VS:** I know what you mean.

**HC:** Do your parents pull that shit too?

**VS:** No! [clears throat] God no. It’s just… related to why I was calling you, actually.

**HC:** Well, whenever you’re ready to let me in on it, I’ll be here. [pause] Like, preferably not at 3 AM, but I’m flexible.

**VS:** [teasing] Your schedule’s open?

**HC:** [laughter] My schedule’s mostly open. Now, I have an appointment with my bed.

**VS:** ‘Night Heather.

**HC:** [hums] ‘Night, cutie. [chokes] Ronnie! I meant Ronnie.

**Call Ended**

_2:49am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hold me at gunpoint to make me post chapter 12 faster [here](http://heathercubedfic.tumblr.com)


	12. All the Dark Magic of a 12am Denny's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some new plot threads, glee, ugly boots, an unholy alliance, and some truly good shit

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:32am_

 **green:** wow ok heather. do u think ure too cool to answer my phone calls

 **green:** my gf had a /panic attack/ bc she was worried sick for ur sorry ass and u cant even be bothered to call me back

 **green:** sooo u can consider this friendship over go fuck yourself [peace sign hand emoji]

_green has removed red from the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 6:35am_

_green has added redqueen to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 6:35am_

**green:** ok heather i just pretended i hated u so i could remove ur old account from the chat and add ur new one

 **redqueen:** wake me up this early again and i’ll knock out your teeth

 **yellow:** [smiling cat emoji] [knife emoji]

 **redqueen:** figure of speech

 **yellow:** If you’re sure ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **redqueen:** but that might have been dumb, how am i gonna explain you guys coming over now

 **yellow:** We could just say it blew over?? Teen Girl Argument™

 **redqueen:** ugh, whatever works tbh

 **how.very.onica:** heyy, still holding down the fort?

 **redqueen:** yeah, jd’s still asleep, we weren’t sure if we should risk him sneaking into the guest room so he stayed in here

 **redqueen:** i’m just thanking jesus he doesn’t snore

 **green:** heather u snore

 **redqueen:** i do NOT

 **yellow:** Yeah, that’s always been me actually lol

 **green:** my life is a lie

 **how.very.onica:** ok just caught up, 1) how are you gonna sneak jd out to school and 2) what are we gonna do about pufflesnoot during the day

 **how.very.onica:** like i know mac and her dad are gonna stop by to bring the pup home at some point, but until then

 **yellow:** Could you hide him in your room???

 **how.very.onica:** nah, her maids would probably find him

 **yellow:** Lmao, they’d have one hell of a story

 **redqueen:** yeah, i’ve been hiding dog food in empty bags of chips, which are hidden at the bottom of my drawers

 **redqueen:** but clearly i can’t do the same with a dog

 **yellow:** Is there anywhere else we could leave him for the day???

 **green:** what about doggy daycare

 **yellow:** !!!!! Good idea

 **how.very.onica:** wtf, why didn’t we think of that sooner

 **yellow:** Oh, and maybe you can get pufflesnoot out of the house by hiding him in your backpack

 **redqueen:** alright, me and jd will leave here soon to drop off the dog

 **green:** wait hold up im gonna do something funny trust me

 **yellow:** Even as your loving and supportive girlfriend, that phrase never fails to make me dubious

 **green:** just make sure jds phone isnt super loud ok

 **redqueen:** [eyes emoji] okay?

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Heather Duke → Jason “J.D.” Dean**

_6:41am_

**JD:** [whisper-yelling, slurring tiredly] How in fucking hell did you manage to change my ringtone to fucking-- to the fucking Good, Bad, and the Ugly theme? Why?

 **HD:** [a solid minute of laughter, broken up only by occasional deep inhales]

 **JD:** [whispers] Oh go fuck yourself.

**Call Ended**

_6:43am_

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:43am_

 **green:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 **yellow:** /?????????/

 **redqueen:** stdhbefdysndfv she changed his ringtone to this western movie thing

 **how.very.onica:** lolllll

 **yellow:** Oh, heather???

 **green:** wha

 **redqueen:** huh

 **yellow:** Sorry, charming and beautiful girlfriend heather

 **green:** [blushing emoji]

 **yellow:** Uhh, shouldn’t we get rid of the other chat

 **green:** oh yea im on it

 **how.very.onica:** should i get rid of the purple chat too

 **redqueen:** i would, idk what they’ve seen

 **green:** just delete all tainted chats im too lazy to remove and re-add heather to everything thats ever existed

 **redqueen:** i would be insulted but i’m too tired

 **how.very.onica:** lol sorry

 **yellow:** [eyes emoji]

 **green:** dont tell me u were doing some late night sexting with ur new top secret phone

 **redqueen:** N O IT WASN’T LIKE THAT DFSYDRSGSDGSHDN

 **yellow:** Texting late into the night is still pretty gay heather, you can’t escape this one

 **redqueen:** i miss the other chat bring it back

 **green:** no

 **how.very.onica:** so was the other chat just you guys bullying heather in private, because honestly same

 **yellow:** Yup, pretty much

 **how.very.onica:** lmao, but yeah we actually weren’t flirting, i just wanted to chat

 **yellow:** Whatever helps you sleep at night

 **how.very.onica:** seriously, get your minds out of the gutter

 **green:** never

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:49am_

 **7.11.J.D:** First Person that sees Duke This Morning must Kill Her On Sight

 **martha-dunnstock:** No murdering

 **7.11.J.D:** She Changed my Ringtone she Has To Pay

 **hucklebettyfinn:** your fault for still keeping your ringer on in this year of our lord 2015

 **hucklebettyfinn:** also fuck you it’s too early to be awake, i’m going back to bed

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty, you should drink less caffeine!! It’s not good for your sleep cycle, that’s probably why you’re so crabby in the mornings

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[mr-krabs-meme.jpg](https://ih0.redbubble.net/image.208514285.0690/flat,800x800,075,f.u1.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** ok but you know what's also bad for your sleep cycle?? being forced by the school system to wake up early in the morning when teenagers’ brains are most awake at night, ensuring that we never get the rest we need

 **hucklebettyfinn:** r…. rt…..

 **martha-dunnstock:** :( RT

 **7.11.J.D:** R Motherfucking T

 **how.very.onica:** anyway, everybody delete any chats you were in with chandler, we don’t know how much her parents have seen but we want to cover our tracks

 **hucklebettyfinn:** won’t they get suspicious if they see that their daughter has literally no chats

 **hucklebettyfinn:** and that all her friends cut off communication at the same time?? for apparently no reason??

 **7.11.J.D:** Besides if they’ve Seen the Roommate Chat then they Know I’ve been Staying Here

 **martha-dunnstock** : Wait, hear me out: what if they haven’t read anything? I mean, if they knew a strange boy (no offense) had been staying in their home, wouldn’t they be turning the place upside-down making sure he isn’t still there??

 **7.11.J.D:** … You Make a Good Point

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if i just deleted [swiss flag emoji] for no reason i’ll fistfight chandler's parents myself

 **hucklebettyfinn:** think of the opportunities for /receipts/

 **how.very.onica:** i have little to no idea what betty is talking about at any given time but

 **martha-dunnstock:** Me too

 **how.very.onica:** knowing the kind of people heather’s parents are, why /wouldn’t/ they read her shit?? do they just not know her passcode,

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’d probably ask Heather that yourself?

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m assuming she would know if they have her passcode or not

 **7.11.J.D:** She says They Don’t Have the Code

 **7.11.J.D:** And it’s Set to Erase Everything after 10 failed Passcode Attempts but she Doesn’t Think They’ve Tried it that Much

 **how.very.onica:** ok, how’s dog smuggling

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, what’s going on this time???

 **how.very.onica:** jd and heather are taking pufflesnoot to doggy daycare for the day, mac and her dad will pick him up later

 **7.11.J.D:** Well First We have to Worry about Me Smuggling

 **hucklebettyfinn:** climb out the window

 **martha-dunnstock:** Don’t do that

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do a flip

 **martha-dunnstock:** DON’T DO THt!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Sorry Martha I am Probably gonna go Out the Window

 **how.very.onica:** godspeed, don’t break any bones

_**Today** 6:53am_

**7.11.J.D:** En Route to Doggy Daycare now

 **hucklebettyfinn:** never say doggy again, it’s weird coming from you

 **martha-dunnstock:** Weren’t you going back to sleep??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** there are birds outside my window

 **7.11.J.D:** Rip

 **how.very.onica:** get a cat, jfk kills birds all the time

 **how.very.onica:** killed*

 **how.very.onica:** ugh so annoying

 **7.11.J.D:** Autocorrect or the Dead Birds

 **how.very.onica:** tbh? both

 **7.11.J.D:** I didn’t Know you Had a Cat

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, he was a cute little tabby but he ran away :(

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh that’s Too Bad

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jd are you excited to see dogs

 **7.11.J.D:** Dogs and Friendship are the Only Things worth Living for

 **how.very.onica:** mood

 **martha-dunnstock:** [scared emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** at ease lol

 **martha-dunnstock:** You guys really worry me when you talk like that :(

 **martha-dunnstock:** I can’t tell when it’s a joke or not!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s usually Both

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, if you ever need any help I’m here!!! I love you guys and I want you to be safe and happy [sparkly heart emoji]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[crying-cat.jpg](https://i.imgflip.com/v3261.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** martha ily

 **7.11.J.D:** You’re too Good To Us :”)

 **hucklebettyfinn:** um what did we say about you sending smiley faces??

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ve Elected to Ignore Your Opinion

 **hucklebettyfinn:** /THIS BITCH/

 **how.very.onica:** now that’s the subway justice™ i know…… feels good feels organic

_**Today** 6:59am_

**7.11.J.D:** DOGS

 **7.11.J.D:** [DOGS.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** :0!!!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** good content

 **how.very.onica:** say bye to pufflesnoot for me, tell him mommy loves him

 **7.11.J.D:** If anything Heather is His Mom she’s been Taking Care Of him longer

 **how.very.onica:** look at all these lies and slander in my own house?

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica this is a chatroom

 **how.very.onica:** IN MY OWN HOUSE????????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** my thrussy????????

 **martha-dunnstock:** No!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** GHFBTSINFGSUHFBSRCUBSFFKBSGFISN

 **7.11.J.D:** W HAT DOES T HAT EVEN M EAN

 **how.very.onica:** NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN

_hucklebettyfinn has named the conversation “MY THRUSSY?????”.  
****_

_**Today** 7:04am_

**martha-dunnstock:** NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO

_how.very.onica has named the conversation “Subway Justice™”.  
****_

_**Today** 7:04am_

_how.very.onica has changed restrictions on hucklebettyfinn._

_**Today** 7:04am_

**hucklebettyfinn:** I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE QUESTION MARKS YOU THOT

 **how.very.onica:** THIS IS A SACRED PLACE BETTY

 **7.11.J.D:** W HAT D ID THAT M EAN

 **martha-dunnstock:** :(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lol nobody tell him

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ll just Google It

 **7.11.J.D:** Heather looked Over my Shoulder she’s So Disappointed

 **martha-dunnstock:** So what are you two going to do until school starts??

 **7.11.J.D:** Shit Idk

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’d suggest picking up the stuff we got you at the mall, but parents

 **how.very.onica:** yeahh i would just deliver his stuff at lunch

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m sure it wouldn’t be That Bad if I Showed Up

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m grounded for skipping lmao, no friends for a week, and also you’re a boy

 **martha-dunnstock:** Aw man, does that include Princess Bride night??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nah we’re still good for friday, my parents aren’t monsters

 **how.very.onica:** yeet

 **7.11.J.D:** For Real what should we Do

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well shit, hold up, let me just check the heathers’ agenda for you

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [checkmark emoji] looking hot  
[checkmark emoji] buying stuff nobody else can afford  
__ drinking booze like it’s water  
__ maxing dad’s credit card

 **martha-dunnstock:** FJDBAFDHABDFB

 **how.very.onica:** as an honorary heather i can confirm?

 **7.11.J.D:** Take it to the Bank Boys that’s Another One for the Album

 **hucklebettyfinn:** looks like the next course of action is clear! get hammered and put it on mr chandler’s bill lads!!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** I can come up with about a thousand reasons /not/ to do that

 **7.11.J.D:** Straight Outta 7/11 by 2Slushiez feat. $carlett  & Betty

 **7.11.J.D:** Guest Song by Martha Killjoy

 **how.very.onica:** lol betty’s the only one without a cool stage name

 **martha-dunnstock:** When has Betty ever been the cool one??

 **how.very.onica:** rt

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt

 **hucklebettyfinn:** JDKHDUCNSJGCN MARTHA JUST MURDERED ME

 **martha-dunnstock:** But really, though, I would just drive around or get to school early

 **7.11.J.D:** A whole Hour Early? I’ll Pass

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hey, have it your way, doofus

 **7.11.J.D:** Damn It Heather wants Dairy Queen

 **how.very.onica:** lol wtf it’s so far away?? why???

 **7.11.J.D:** Help Me the Nearest Dairy Queen is an Hour Away

 **how.very.onica:** just tell her you can’t miss any more school

 **hucklebettyfinn:** but imagine how amazing a two-hour round trip to dairy queen would be???????

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty, stop being the cartoon devil on his shoulder

 **7.11.J.D:** She just called me a Pillowcase What does That Even Mean

 **how.very.onica:** weak-willed/cowardly

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m about to Weak-Will my Way to 7/11

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:09am_

 **redqueen:** thanks for the corn nuts, loser

 **7.11.J.D:** It was Your Money

 **redqueen:** yeah but i didn’t feel like getting out of the car

 **7.11.J.D:** Lazy

 **redqueen:** wrong, i work my ass off, i just don’t put in effort when i know i don’t have to

_**Today** 8:14am_

**7.11.J.D:** [[laziness.jpg](http://oi67.tinypic.com/347egee.jpg)]

 **redqueen:** CFKSNSTDJWBDTDJSNCKM

 **redqueen:** DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST SPEND SEVEN MINUTES MAKING THAT

 **7.11.J.D:** Well you See

 **7.11.J.D:** Some Of Us like to make an Effort

 **redqueen:** at least you made my name red

 **7.11.J.D:** What can I Say, I have an Eye for Detail

 **redqueen:** don’t get cocky or i’ll take one of them out

 **7.11.J.D:** [single eye emoji]

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v**  
****

_**Today** 10:43am_

**how.very.onica:** so it’s safe to assume we’re not going anywhere for lunch?

 **yellow:** Yeah, we could probably use a normal lunch period

 **how.very.onica:** cool! would it be alright if betty, martha, and jd sat with us

 **green:** im not feeling it but its ultimately up to heather

 **redqueen:** i meannnnn, i guess?????

 **redqueen:** but don’t let them get any wise ideas about moving up the social ladder

 **redqueen:** as far as i’m concerned, they’re cool, but they’re still just a couple rungs above the potheads

 **how.very.onica:** lol sure thing

 **how.very.onica:** i think they prefer it to the swatchdogs and diet cokeheads anyway

 **green:** i think i speak for me and my lovely gf both when i say

 **green:** [[donna-and-tom-parks-and-rec.gif](https://i2.wp.com/media0.giphy.com/media/NdmNCcbotW7K/giphy.gif)]

 **yellow:** Our little bluebird’s learning how to fly :”3

 **yellow:** And by “fly” I mean sass like the best of them wtf!!!!

 **redqueen:** as much as i’d like to take credit for the sass, i think it’s more of an innate sense than a learned skill

 **how.very.onica:** debating nature vs nurture in regard to sass?? honestly what a mood

 **how.very.onica:** but anyway, thanks guys!!

 **yellow:** No problem!!

 **green:** yea np

 **how.very.onica:** i figure if we didn’t invite them they’d just keep coming over to talk to me regardless ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **how.very.onica:** or even to talk to you!! i can tell betty and martha are really taking a liking to you guys, awkward ex and ex-friend stuff notwithstanding

 **how.very.onica:** and jd’s still kinda hard to read, but he doesn’t hate you lmao

 **yellow:** Lol, I’m flattered

 **green:** theyre not part of the clique tho dont get us wrong

 **redqueen:** yeah, i like them just fine but real life sucks losers dry

 **how.very.onica:** uhhh….. what’s that supposed to mean [eyes emoji]

 **redqueen:** like, not everybody’s cut out for popularity

 **yellow:** Being the center of attention can be hard if you’re not used to it

 **how.very.onica:** well, i’m managing just fine, aren’t i??? mostly???

 **redqueen:** wait, what do you mean “mostly”

 **redqueen:** has anyone been giving you shit?? i’ll put a heel up their ass

 **how.very.onica:** nah, nobody’s been giving me shit, i’ve just been a little tired lately

 **how.very.onica:** but that’s beside the point. what makes me any different from my friends??

 **how.very.onica:** is it because i look alright with a little makeup on?? because let me tell you, betty is a wizard with eyeliner and martha used to dabble in special effects makeup, she really knows her shit

 **yellow:** Well, think about it this way: if we give betty, martha, and jd a leg up, then every nerd in the school is gonna wonder what’s stopping /them/ from being popular too

 **green:** yup its basically about avoiding lowkey social anarchy

 **how.very.onica:** oh give me a break, this is high school, not soviet russia

 **redqueen:** we do share a certain affinity for red

 **green:** GJDBSRDUWBDRH

 **yellow:** Heather don’t compare yourself to stalin, veronica can and will school you to the gulags and back

 **redqueen:** /WHDTWJSNDTHSNDHCV/

 **how.very.onica:** for real tho all your reasons are dumb [information desk person emoji]

 **green:** wow i cant believe veronicas an anarchist

 **how.very.onica:** ok let me run with your joke for a second: if you guys are the communists in this analogy, then shouldn’t /you/ be the ones saying the people should rise

 **yellow:** [[gtgchicken.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/700728727919919106/zIGmXCk6.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** checkmate atheists

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:54am_

 **how.very.onica:** TONIGHT WE DINE WITH KINGS

 **martha-dunnstock:** ?

 **how.very.onica:** and by that i mean, you guys are eating lunch with me and the heathers today

 **hucklebettyfinn:** the novelty still hasn’t worn off lmao

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh Betty did you Bring my Stuff

 **hucklebettyfinn:** from the mall?? yup

 **7.11.J.D:**  Nice

 **how.very.onica:** also i dragged the heathers so if they seem angry it’s at me, not you guys

 **hucklebettyfinn:**  NICE

 **martha-dunnstock:** Omg what did you say????

 **how.very.onica:** they tried to say you guys weren’t cool enough to be honorary heathers too

 **7.11.J.D:** [gun emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** but it’s all cool bc they said they were keeping the order and compared chandler to stalin or something???? it was wild

 **how.very.onica:** so then i pointed out that their analogy sucked and won the argument, and all arguments til the end of time

 **7.11.J.D:** Lbr They’re probably Proud instead of Pissed

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah, I think they respect your gall

 **how.very.onica:**  true

 **hucklebettyfinn:** also jd, i picked out a pair of shoes i think you’ll really like

 **7.11.J.D:** That sounds Ominous

 **hucklebettyfinn:** nahh i’m serious! you’ll love them

 **7.11.J.D:** Let the Record Show that I’m Not Crying

 **martha-dunnstock:** Awww, we love you too J.D.

 **how.very.onica:** jd is a friend and boy

 **martha-dunnstock** : An accurate assessment!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well i’ll see you guys at lunch, phair is giving me the evil eye

 **7.11.J.D:** Rip

 **martha-dunnstock:** Alright!! Take good notes, we’re supposed to have a test later this week

 **how.very.onica:** mcfuck, forget the test, take good notes for /me/ lmao

 **martha-dunnstock:** Why???

 **how.very.onica:** i didn’t sleep well so i power napped through chem

 **martha-dunnstock:** Aw, Veronica I’m sorry, I’m sure things will get better soon

 **7.11.J.D:** ??????

 **how.very.onica:** depression™

 **how.very.onica:** don’t worry tho, journaling helps

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, if you’re sure!! I’m always here if you need anything

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah Same I’ve Been there

 **how.very.onica:** you guys are the best?? thanks

_**Today** 11:16am_

**hucklebettyfinn:** ronnie, remember what we talked about the last time your depression flared up?

 **how.very.onica:** ughhhhhhh ok

 **hucklebettyfinn:** not to pressure you tho

 **how.very.onica:** yeah i was thinking about it anyway

 **martha-dunnstock:** Huh??

 **how.very.onica:** i wanna let you in on this other thing, meet me in the bathroom at lunch?

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sure??

 **7.11.J.D:** I Assume this is either a Girl Thing or just a Best Friend Thing

 **how.very.onica:** yeah it’s a best friend thing, but you’re also one of my best friends so i’ll tell you some other time

 **how.very.onica:** i’d just rather explain one-on-one, it’s easier to manage

 **7.11.J.D:** Alright

 **hucklebettyfinn:** as long as we’re all on the same page i’m chill

 **martha-dunnstock:** Whatever makes Veronica most comfortable is good with me!

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:17am_

 **redqueen:** i don’t wanna talk shit out loud in case people think we’re having a squad fight or something, sooo

 **redqueen:** where the /hell/ are they???

 **green:** ur ability to hold two different conversations at once is terrifying

 **redqueen:** thanks xoxo

 **yellow:** I thought I saw veronica and martha go into the bathroom

 **redqueen:** what about beelzebub and loser roomie

 **yellow:** They’re probably in the lunch line, remember betty buys his food now??

 **green:** sweet, that means a little extra time to make out with my gf

 **redqueen:** UM DONT DITCH ME?

 **redqueen:** fuck all of you

 **redqueen:** kurt and ram are trying to say hi to me now i hate aLL TWO OF YOU????

 **redqueen:** RONNIE LIGHT OF MY LIFE IS RESUCING ME FROM FUCKBOYS!!!!! SUCK ON THAT YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHIgns

 **green:** lol resucing

 **yellow:** Succ? Chansaw confirmed

 **redqueen:** /CHANSAW/

 **redqueen:** NO, WE ARE NOT MAKING THAT A THING

 **green:** yes we are

 **yellow:** Can’t erase what’s already been done, heather

 **redqueen:** TWHATY SGDYTEUCJK

 **yellow:** What’s going oN OMG NOW I SEE

 **green:** /WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOSE/

 **yellow:** IS TRENCHCOAT ACTUALLY WEARING COWBOY BOOTS……..

 **green:** this is the best day of my life

 **redqueen:** they’re so UGLY

 **redqueen:** HE’S BROKE SO WHO WOULD DO THIS TO ME

 **green:** beelzebub traitor extraordinaire

 **redqueen:** FUCK SHE WOULD!!!

 **yellow:** She looks so smug I’m crying

\--  
****

**[sword emoji]  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:21am_

 **redqueen:** /YOU/

 **hucklebettyfinn:** /me/

 **redqueen:** i’m gonna punch you directly in the clit

 **hucklebettyfinn:** why

 **redqueen:** i know it was you

 **hucklebettyfinn:** me what?

 **redqueen:** YOU BOUGHT RTATTLENSAKE DICK FUCIKNG CWOBYO BOOTS AND HE WON’T TAKKETH M OFF

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lol i didn’t buy them ronnie did

 **redqueen:** YOU AKSKED HER TO

 **redqueen:** HE’S ALREADY A FAHSION DISTSATER YOU DIRTY ENABLER

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HE LOVES THEM?

 **redqueen:** LOOK AT THE RESLUT OF YOUR SIN AND REP NT

 **hucklebettyfinn:** reslut…

 **redqueen:** [imagine-the-ugliest-cowboy-boots-ever.png]

 **redqueen:** LOOK t WHAT YOU’vE DONE

 **hucklebettyfinn:** those are his hooves you bitch

 **redqueen:** this is WAR

 **hucklebettyfinn:** THIS!!! IS!!! /SPARTA!!!!!!/

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you see, this is where i would /like/ to start a food fight, but i know you would literally send me the dry cleaning bill

 **redqueen:** you’re damn right i would. get fucked geek

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:27am_

 **redqueen:** ronnie keeps taking pictures of her shoes, please tell me i didn’t fall for an artsy hipster

 **yellow:** Okay 1) I’m proud of you for saying that and not instantly following it up with keyboard smashing

 **redqueen:** yeah my parents don’t even know this phone exists so like… fuck it?

 **redqueen:** if i can’t be totally honest with everyone, i might as well be honest with my best friends, who i know accept me

 **yellow:** [smiling cat emoji] [yellow heart emoji]

 **green:** thats the spirit u big lesbian!!!!!

 **yellow:** Anyway, 2) what part of veronica /doesn’t/ scream “artsy hipster”

 **green:** rt who needs ten different photos of their shoes

 **green:** … to be fair i dont think its a hipster thing tho

 **yellow:** Yeah, she looks too annoyed to just be chilling and taking pics

 **redqueen:** plus who takes pictures under the table?? the lighting must be awful

 **redqueen:** i’ll ask her about it later, i don’t wanna embarrass her

 **green:** guess ure not made of pure teflon after all

 **redqueen:** bitch i’ll smite you

 **yellow:** SHIWBDTAISBCFSIDNVCN

 **green:** CHILL I WAS GONNA SAY URE A BLEND OF TEFLON AND GF MATERIAL,,,,

 **redqueen:** oh. smiting cancelled

\--  
****

**purple  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:06pm_

 **redqueen:** hey, i meant to ask you why you were taking pictures of your shoes in such garbage lighting

 **how.very.onica:** am i out of the clique for having weak photo game or something

 **redqueen:** ?? /hell/ no, just curious

 **how.very.onica:** lmao, that was like half a joke dw

 **how.very.onica:**  it’s a long story, i could tell you some other time

 **redqueen:** okay

 **how.very.onica:** so how are you gonna get jd into your house tonight

 **redqueen:** honest? i’m not sure, do you have any bright ideas

 **how.very.onica:** idk either, but regarding his clothes, you could have him wash them at the laundromat and hide them under your mattress or something

 **redqueen:** yeah he’s washing that shit at the laundromat, i can give him cash

 **redqueen:** wouldn’t it be better to hide them in plain sight?? mix them in with my clothes

 **how.very.onica:** mmm, i’d give it a shot

 **redqueen:** so enough about jd… how are you doing

 **how.very.onica:** oh man, i’m so tired?? like i took a nap earlier but /jesus/

 **redqueen:** there’s probably some drug dealer who’d be willing to lend you sleeping pills if you wave my name around

 **how.very.onica:** nah, i don’t wanna get mixed up in that

 **redqueen:** smart choice. next thing you know you could be involved in some walter white meth scheme

 **how.very.onica:** lol i couldn’t cook meth, i slept through chem, remember

 **redqueen:** lol

 **redqueen:** but for real though, call me if you can’t sleep, i’ve been told i sing like a siren [woman in red dress emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** sirens lured men to their watery deaths, heather

 **redqueen:** i know, i’m saying my voice could kill a man

 **how.very.onica:** lol

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:11pm_

 **redqueen:** /WHAT THE FUCK IS FLIRTING/

 **green:** [magnifying glass emoji] [eyes emoji] whats up idiot

 **redqueen:** i tried to flirt by saying i’d sing her to sleep but i made it weird and now we're somehow talking about murder!!!!!!

 **yellow:** The foundation of any healthy relationship

 **redqueen:** I DON’T WANT TO BE LADY MCABTHE

 **green:** find ur chill

 **redqueen:** THERE IS NOEN [fire emoji x3] MY LIVELIHOOD IS GOING UP IN FLAMES

 **yellow:** Heather chandler: keyboard smashes “macbeth” and “none” but manages to type “livelihood” correctly

 **redqueen:** FUCK YALL

 **green:** this is like the second time uve said yall i blame jd

 **yellow:** Sweetie, you’ve said “y’all” before

 **green:** ironically

 **yellow:** [[surejan.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/38fblIIrHLMPe/giphy.gif)]

 **redqueen:** USELESS, THE loT OF YOU

 **redqueen:** BRB BURYING MYSELF ALIVE

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:12pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** About to Parkour into Heather’s Mansion again Wish me Luck

 **how.very.onica:** i would say “break a leg” buuuuuut….

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i will: break both of your legs

 **7.11.J.D:** I Hope I Die

 **how.very.onica:** #relatable

 **martha-dunnstock:** You’re all going to put me in an early grave :(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** sorry momtha

 **martha-dunnstock:** Don’t be sorry!!!! Be nice to each other, and to yourselves!!!!  >:(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[treat-yourself.gif](https://i.imgur.com/Prd9vwA)]

 **how.very.onica:** lmao

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m In

 **how.very.onica:** *hacker voice* i’m in

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[soy-gay.gif](https://i.imgur.com/gs9n387?r)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Lol

 **how.very.onica:** i don’t speak spanish but i’m gonna go out on a limb and guess the lizard is gay

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah that’s exactly what’s going on

 **martha-dunnstock:** I mean, it could be

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt if You Are a Gay Lizard or Support Gay Lizards

 **hucklebettyfinn:** RTRTRTRT

 **how.very.onica:** rt!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Rt :D

 **how.very.onica:** but really, betty is pulling out all the stops with the good reaction images today???

 **hucklebettyfinn:** thanks [sunglasses emoji]

 **7.11.J.D:** Speaking of Stops when will you Stop Being so Secretive

 **how.very.onica:** oh yeah

 **how.very.onica:** this is something i’d rather talk about over the phone or in person, are mr and mrs chandler home??

 **7.11.J.D:** Mrs Chandler Is and There are some Lingering Maids

 **7.11.J.D:** It Seems like it’s Been All Hands on Deck after the Waterslide Incident

 **how.very.onica:** damn :/

 **hucklebettyfinn:** could you guys could meet up early at school tomorrow and discuss it then?

 **7.11.J.D:** Probably

 **martha-dunnstock:** Are you sure you can’t just tell him in this chat?? Me and Betty already know, so

 **how.very.onica:** ehhhhhhhhhh, i’d really rather not

 **martha-dunnstock:** What about a private message?

 **how.very.onica:** too impersonal

 **martha-dunnstock:** I can understand that :( sorry if I’m being pushy! You know where I stand on all this

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, i’m not rehashing that argument

 **martha-dunnstock:** Are you /sure/ I can’t convince you????

 **how.very.onica:** martha, drop it

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, this is serious, I’m worried about you

 **how.very.onica:** i know, this is why i didn’t want to tell you

 **7.11.J.D:** I am Very Lost

 **hucklebettyfinn:** for now, all you really need to know is that martha is overstepping

 **martha-dunnstock:** So you’re really just going to let Veronica sit on this without talking to a professional???

 **hucklebettyfinn:** she can go to one when she’s ready, you really don’t need to force her

 **hucklebettyfinn:** honestly, it’s weird as fuck to me that i’m the one being most empathetic right now

 **martha-dunnstock** : Veronica needs help!!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** /we’re/ her help right now, she’ll see a professional if she needs one

 **how.very.onica:** thanks betty

 **how.very.onica:** seriously, martha, i can manage this with all of your help

 **martha-dunnstock:** Alright, as long as you get a professional involved when you need it

 **how.very.onica:** ok, truce

 **how.very.onica:** sorry you’re still in the dark on this jd

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Ok I Get it

 **7.11.J.D:** I Have some Guesses but I’ll Keep Them to Myself

 **hucklebettyfinn:** on a lighter note, do you know if heather mcnamara picked up pufflesnoot yet

 **how.very.onica:** i’ll ask

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:29pm_

 **how.very.onica:** hey mac, have you acquired pufflesnoot yet??

 **yellow:** Me and my dad are on our way to get him now!!

 **redqueen:** thank fuck, i was worried you forgot

 **green:** heather chandler human after all: sherwood teen has soft spot for puppies

 **green:** anyway does anyone understand the math homework im dying over here

 **redqueen:** stinson put the answer key online

 **yellow:** YEET I WAS SO LOST

 **green:** thanks heather ure a lifesaver

 **redqueen:** it’s what i do

 **yellow:** I thought your job description was more like “must be good at scaring freshmen, uniform must be designer”

 **redqueen:** that too

 **redqueen:** oh, don’t forget, girls, homecoming is coming up soon

 **green:** isnt it like a month from now

 **yellow:** No, they’re doing it a little earlier this year, the game is the 2nd and the dance is the 3rd

 **redqueen:** that being said, i want you all looking HOT

 **redqueen:** like you’re all beautiful but we need to be knockouts for our senior year

 **how.very.onica:** but not too hot, right

 **green:** what do u mean

 **how.very.onica:** like, you don’t want to reach peak hotness before prom??

 **yellow:** Oh, that’s a good point

 **redqueen:** yeah definitely not

 **redqueen:** i was thinking of having you all over at noon that saturday to prep for the dance

 **green:** its a little early to commit to that imo

 **yellow:** Yeah, we should worry about more pressing dates first

 **how.very.onica:** oh are you and duke gonna go on a date later?? have fun lol

 **green:** lol were not going on a date

 **green:** … are we

 **yellow:** It’s september…

 **green:** so

 **yellow:** What day is it tomorrow, heather

 **green:** wednesday

 **redqueen:** jesus h, heather, don’t tell me you forgot your own birthday

 **green:** OH ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW

 **how.very.onica:** omg?

 **yellow:** YEAH

 **green:** DID U WANNA GO ON A DATE FOR IT OR

 **yellow:** YEAH!

 **green:** sweet where are we going

 **yellow:** I was thinking we could get coffee at this new café downtown after school, then walk around and window shop

 **green:** [[my-longest-yea-boy-ever.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/001/149/255/54d.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** young love :”)

 **redqueen:** yeah, between two filthy memers

 **yellow:** Guilty as charged :3c

 **green:** what about my jeep

 **yellow:** We can drive to the café, then walk around, and then we can drive home

 **green:** sounds like a plan

 **how.very.onica:** oh, heather, are you still mega grounded

 **redqueen:** me?? yeah, otherwise i’d invite you over, me and jd are dying of boredom

 **how.very.onica:** rip, do you still have wifi??

 **redqueen:** yeah i’m quickly learning that my parents are tech morons, which is fortunate

 **redqueen:** the thing is that i can’t watch anything that jd would want to watch because it would be out of character

 **yellow:** Find something you both like

 **redqueen:** we have about as much in common as björk and marilyn manson

 **green:** theyre both musicians

 **redqueen:** fuck. i’m a fool

 **how.very.onica:** now, this is an idea, i’m just throwing it out there

 **how.very.onica:** watch glee

 **redqueen:** NO

 **yellow:** It’s our trash, heather

 **green:** one of us one of us

 **redqueen:** absolutely not

 **how.very.onica:** hear me out: you’ll both hate it, so you can bond over mocking it

 **redqueen:** …….. alright, but only because you suggested it

\--  
****

**Call Transcript  
**

**Dennis Marion → Beatriz “Betty” Finn**

_3:44pm_

**BF:** Dennis? Um, why are you calling me? I hate you?

 **DM:** I crave a boon.

 **BF:** OK, weirdo, what’s up?

 **DM:** I need you to cover for me at work today.

 **BF:** Wow, thanks for the notice. A whole fifteen minutes before your shift?

 **DM:** I know, but my boyfriend surprised me with a date.

 **BF:** Tell Peter it’s date night between him and his right hand for all I care.

 **DM:** … I'll ignore that. I mean, it’s not like you’re doing anything anyway. Come on, Betty, I know you need the hours.

 **BF:** Maybe the next time you want to call in a favor, you can bother to Toy Story 3 incinerator scene with me while I drink and pray for death.

 **DM:** Wha-- I’m not even going to bother trying to decipher that. But no children came that day, right?

 **BF:** It’s the principle of the thing, dick. No deal.

 **DM:** OK. Then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if I told your friends you asked your French teacher, “ _Puis-je manger aux toilettes?_ ”

 **BF:** What the-- how do you even know about that? You take German.

 **DM:** Courtney told me. So, is it a deal?

 **BF:** I don’t think blackmail’s a very ethical journalistic practice.

 **DM:** It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. I get to go on my date with Peter, you get more hours, and your secret stays with me.

 **BF:** And Courtney.

 **DM:** But you know that nobody would believe Firepants Courtney if she ran her mouth.

 **BF:** … Touché. Fine, I’ll take your shift, but I have one more question.

 **DM:** Shoot.

 **BF:** Why did YOU believe Courtney?

 **DM:** It’s about a fifty/fifty chance that she’s lying. This time, I got lucky.

 **BF:** Cool. [pause] You know I’m gonna tell the Heathers about this, right? Your weird alliance with Courtney?

 **DM:** Oh, of course. I’d expect nothing less.

 **BF:** Just for the record, I think social chess is stupid, though. It’s just that I trust the Heathers with power more than I’d trust you or Courtney.

 **DM:** What am I, a Bond villain? [laughter] Don’t worry, I’m not out for Heather’s crown. I’m just sick of being treated like trash, and Courtney’s a little higher on the ladder.

 **BF:** You and me both. Have fun on your date or whatever?

 **DM:** I will. Don’t drink on the job again.

 **BF:** I thought there were NINETY-EIGHT SNOTTY CHILDREN--

**Call Ended**

_3:50pm_

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:08pm_

 **redqueen:** veronica i hate you. you did this to us

 **how.very.onica:** are you bonding yet

 **redqueen:** we’re on suicide pact levels of realness

 **yellow:** HEY GUYS I’M DEPRESSED

 **how.very.onica:** bitch me too

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:10pm_

 **redqueen:** STOP HIJACKING MY CONVERSATIONS WITH VERONICA YOU INTERRUPTING CUNTS

 **green:** go message her directly then u coward

 **yellow:** Besides, your flirting has so far involved murder and suicide talk, you /might/ wanna step up your game

 **redqueen:** the only thing i want to step on is your face, hard, with a six-inch stiletto heel

 **green:** thats the kind of stuff u should be saying to veronica and not my gf

 **redqueen:** FKSLAMSGDISNDHDHV

 **yellow:** COME ON AND FKSLAMSGDISNDHDHV

 **yellow:** AND WELCOME TO THE FKJAMSGDISNDHDHV

 **redqueen:** i hate you so much

 **green:** seriously tho stop its so awkward

 **redqueen:** fiiiine

 **redqueen:** she’s the one who brought up murder though

 **yellow:** Lol, watch your back caesar

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:16pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Veronica I Hate Glee

 **7.11.J.D:** So Much

 **how.very.onica:** i didn’t suggest it because i thought you’d /like/ it, i suggested it so you and heather can bash it together

 **7.11.J.D:** Well we Can’t Talk out Loud So

 **hucklebettyfinn:** have you guys just been seething in silence watching glee for four hours

 **7.11.J.D:** …………….

 **martha-dunnstock:** Can’t you text each other??

 **7.11.J.D:** We’re Watching on Heather’s Phone so No

 **hucklebettyfinn:** type back and forth on a notes page on yours

 **7.11.J.D:** Wow I’m Stupid

 **how.very.onica:** nah, the idea just didn’t occur to you

 **martha-dunnstock** : Wait, Heather doesn’t have a tv in her room, and her parents still have her old phone, right??

 **martha-dunnstock:** Can’t they hear you watching it in there?? Why haven’t they busted you yet???

 **7.11.J.D:** Headphones, we're Pros At This

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well, have fun

 **how.very.onica:**  as much fun as they can lol

 **hucklebettyfinn:** btw i’m at work because dennis called me in, he has a dumb date to go on

 **martha-dunnstock:** No prank calls this time??

 **how.very.onica:** wtf dennis has a girlfriend?????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** boyfriend, and nope no prank calls

 **7.11.J.D:** Everyone We Know is Gay

 **how.very.onica:** ^^^

 **martha-dunnstock:** Next, you’re gonna tell me that like, Peter Dawson is gay

 **hucklebettyfinn:** peter is pan actually, fantastic pun opportunities

 **7.11.J.D:** How do You Know All Of This

 **hucklebettyfinn:** peter was in robotics with me last year

 **how.very.onica:** oh, why did you quit robotics anyway

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well, i did it in the hopes of getting more hours at work, but that didn’t take

 **martha-dunnstock:** Aw, that’s too bad :( at least you’re getting in some time now!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** thank god i get paid by the hour and not by how many customers i serve

 **7.11.J.D:** Business is Slow?

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, don’t you only need to buy a new mattress every like eight years

 **martha-dunnstock:** Something like that

 **hucklebettyfinn:** oh, but that’s not the important part

 **hucklebettyfinn:** apparently dennis is buddy-buddy with courtney now

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, nice!! Good for them

 **how.very.onica:** martha no, that’s an alliance forged in hell

 **7.11.J.D:** Wait Who’s Courtney

 **how.very.onica:** just some bitch tbh

 **how.very.onica:** i probably should’ve been able to tell that there was something fishy going on when he gave courtney my username

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lol we’ve been so blind

 **how.very.onica:** i guess i gotta tell the heathers… top ten anime deaths

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wouldn’t they be glad to know??

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, but like… now we live in a post-dennisney world

 **7.11.J.D:** Dennisney

 **hucklebettyfinn:** just call them denny’s, it combines their names and they give off the same vibe as a denny’s late at night

 **how.very.onica:** gsjsbdgsh that’s so specific but so true? denny’s hell duo

 **martha-dunnstock:** So are we still allowed to eat at Denny’s, or

 **7.11.J.D:** No That’s where they Channel their Dark Magicks

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:23pm_

 **how.very.onica:** dennis and courtney are friends now

 **green:** gross

 **yellow:** Can I block them but like in real life

 **redqueen:** i wish

 **how.very.onica:** i have a feeling that we’re gonna be hearing a lot from them soon, so

 **how.very.onica:** me and the subway justice™ chat have dubbed them denny’s for convenience

 **green:** wtf is subway justice

 **yellow:** I assume betty’s in it??

 **how.very.onica:** and because the thought of them teaming up has all the dark magic of a 12am denny’s

 **how.very.onica:** also yeah lol, it’s me, martha, betty, and jd

 **redqueen:** i keep forgetting you have, like, a life outside of school and us

 **how.very.onica:** omg.. me too tbh? you guys are great but also overwhelming

 **green:** overwhelmingly great

 **how.very.onica:** yeah!

 **yellow:** Oh, heather, how is glee going

 **redqueen:** i want to DIE

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:27pm_

 **yellow:** Remember what we talked about

 **redqueen:** SUCK MY CORN NUTS

 **green:** were right tho

 **redqueen:** MMMMM I KNWO AND I HATE IT

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:29pm_

 **how.very.onica:** big mood

 **green:** how is jd coping

 **redqueen:** he’s staring out the window like he hopes a meteor is gonna fall out of the sky and crush us

 **how.very.onica:** we do the hokey pokey and we beg the lord for death, that’s what it’s all about [clapping emoji x2]

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:32pm_

 **yellow:** This is one fucked up seduction

 **redqueen:** ZFYSMSBDTBSN ITS NOT MY FAULT

 **green:**  [[it-keeps-happening.jpg](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/878/658/d5e.jpg)]

 **redqueen:** LEAVE

 **green:** no ure stuck with my memeing ass forever

 **redqueen:** i’m gonna die alone

 **yellow:** Again with the death!!!!!!! Even I don’t talk about it that much, CHILL

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:35pm_

 **how.very.onica:** sorry if i made that awkward rip

 **redqueen:** NO YOU’RE FINE

 **how.very.onica:** THANKS WHY ARE WE TALKING IN CAPS

 **redqueen:** I AGGRESLVEY SUPPORT YOU

 **yellow:** Aggressive support is what this friendship was built on

 **green:** a long and illustrious history of loving the shit out of each other

 **how.very.onica:** you guys are just one big pile of makeup and affection and i kinda love it

_**Today** 7:12am_

**redqueen:** jd drools and honestly? i'm disgusted

 **yellow:** Lol, did you actually sleep last night

 **redqueen:** not really, we watched glee until four

 **yellow:** I thought you hated it,

 **redqueen:** it’s like a trainwreck you can’t look away from

 **redqueen:** … also jd cried, he still hates it but he’s invested

 **how.very.onica:**  omg poor guy.......

 **how.very.onica:** i didn’t sleep well, looks like i’m napping during school again

 **yellow:** Oh, my dad has insomnia and exercise helps him, maybe you’ll wanna try that??

 **yellow:** We have more cheerleading tryouts this weekend

 **yellow:** If you go, I can pretty much guarantee you a spot on the squad

 **how.very.onica:** lol nah, i don’t want to take part in cheerleading nepotism

 **redqueen:** how can you come up with the word “nepotism” on no sleep

 **how.very.onica:** practice

 **green:** ill cover u im gonna take super good notes

 **how.very.onica:** blessed

 **how.very.onica:** oH ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 **yellow:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER

 **redqueen:** happy birthday you colossal garbage can

 **green:** ty ty

 **redqueen:** jd’s about to climb out the window on three hours of sleep, send a prayer our way [praying hands emoji x3]

 **how.very.onica:** 1 rt = 1 prayer

 **green:** rt

 **yellow:** Rt

 **redqueen:** okay the eagle has flown the nest

 **redqueen:** well not an eagle. more of a raccoon, really

 **green:** oh my god

 **green:** did u demote him from eagle to raccoon bc of ur stupid proverb

 **redqueen:** ………… it’s not stupid

 **green:** ok ill give u that but its pretentious

 **yellow:** Okay, heather “if you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn how to fly” chandler

 **how.very.onica:** wait omg, so you teach people how to spread their wings and fly??

 **redqueen:** you know it

 **how.very.onica:** you’re beautiful

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:17am_

 **yellow:** YOURE WELCOME YOURE WELCOME YOURE WELCOME YOURE WLEOCME YOURE W

 **green:** YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSS

 **redqueen:** NOW WE ARE IN /BUSINESS/ LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **yellow:** Does this make us your

 **yellow:** Wingmen

 **redqueen:** i’m kicking you out of this fucking nest and i hope you break something

 **green:** i cant believe im getting chansaw for my birthday

 **green:** all i do is give and now i finally get to receive

 **yellow:** And don’t forget about our date after school!! [yellow heart emoji]

 **green:** SWEET [green heart emoji]

 **redqueen:** oh shit i forgot to respond

 **green:** keep it simple

 **yellow:** But won’t it look silly for her to wait, like, three minutes to just send something simple

 **redqueen:** i got this

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:21am_

 **redqueen:** [red heart emoji]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> duke's birthday is september 16th!
> 
> "This is one fucked up seduction" is a reference to next to normal bc courtney is relevant again and [looks like jennifer damiano](http://heathercubedfic.tumblr.com/post/162835980022) in this fic
> 
> "BRB BURYING MYSELF ALIVE" is veeery lowkey a reference to this [american gods au](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11297940) by [heatherchandler](http://archiveofourown.org/users/heathermylove/pseuds/heatherchandler) because i love and highly recommend it


	13. Peter's Harem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heather cubed is just like the movie: school shenanigans. veronica is just getting by. everyone has problems. peter dawson is there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was intended to be much longer, but if i end up having to revise things i'd rather it be on the short side
> 
> tw for some references to jd's abuse. no descriptions of specific instances, just speaking of it generally. also some mental health issues, but it's only in the last squad = h^3 + v section. if you think it could be triggering for you, skip to the end notes from that point, where i clarify what's up, and what my plans are for this in the future.

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:22am_

 **how.very.onica:** [screenshot.jpg]

 **how.very.onica:** is heather chandler flirting back, or????

 **hucklebettyfinn:** she’s flirting back, when’s the wedding

 **how.very.onica:** lol, sick

 **martha-dunnstock:** Aw nice!!!!!! I’m happy for you :)

 **7.11.J.D:** Do I Have to be Nice to Heather Now

 **how.very.onica:** only as nice as you want to be brah

 **hucklebettyfinn:** b……. brah

 **hucklebettyfinn:** is your first date gonna be to surf some gnarly waves brah [sunglasses emoji]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Lol

 **7.11.J.D:** Veronica would Win a Surfing competition Though let’s not Kid Ourselves

 **how.very.onica:**  [woman surfing emoji] ohio state surfing champ

 **how.very.onica:** [[yup-thats-me.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B87h7MpIcAAwXdd.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** also i should probably say something??? help me i’m dying scoobert

 **7.11.J.D:** Make it Cool

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica’s always cool

 **7.11.J.D:** True

 **how.very.onica:** nvm i got it

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:25am_

 **how.very.onica:** sick

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:25am_

 **redqueen:** SICK????????????

 **redqueen:** WHt does THAT MEAN “SICK”

 **green:** like cool probably

 **yellow:** Um it’s clearly a reference to Hozier 0:39

 **redqueen:** if that’s a timestamp from a hozier song i swear to god

yellow: “I was born sick / but I love it”

 **redqueen:** THSBSTXHSBXFXG SFDG D i’m gonna fight you

 **yellow:** I’ll win :3€

 **green:** cheerleader thighs end lives

 **redqueen:** actually never mind

 **green:** lmao

 **redqueen:** anyway WHAT DO I SAY NOW

 **green:** if u wanna date her u should probably be able to hold a convo with her without our help…….

 **green:** [[but-thats-none-of-my-business.jpg](https://imgflip.com/s/meme/But-Thats-None-Of-My-Business.jpg)]

 **redqueen:** i hate when you’re right so goddamn much

 **yellow:** We’re always right

 **redqueen:** that’s why i always hate you

 **yellow:** No you don’t

 **redqueen:** [[you-got-me-there.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/624/612/635.jpg)]

 **redqueen:** whatever, i’m gonna play hard to get and not say anything back

 **green:** u mean u havent been playing hard to get already

 **redqueen:** fUCK OFF

 **yellow:** Just make sure to really lay on the flirting when you see her in person ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **yellow:** We’ve proven before that veronica likes talking and hanging out in person, so

 **redqueen:** fuck that’s brilliant.. thanks i guess

 **green:** does that mean u owe us one

 **redqueen:** no

 **green:** damn

 **yellow:** Why not

 **redqueen:** i’m rich, i don’t do the whole debt thing

 **yellow:** What about betting money on, say, a certain green heather doing car donuts in the road

 **redqueen:** STOP BUSTING MY BALLS

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:53am_

 **how.very.onica:** hey jd, are we still meeting up this morning??

 **7.11.J.D:** Oh Yeah

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m in the Cafeteria

 **how.very.onica:** ok i’ll be there in a sec

_**Today** 9:09am_

**hucklebettyfinn:** ms phlegming vs the janitor: fight

 **how.very.onica:** why would they fight, they’re in love

 **martha-dunnstock:** Ms. Fleming would win because she’d talk the janitor’s ear off

 **7.11.J.D:** But The Janitor would Have More Weapons at her Disposal

 **how.very.onica:** they’re. in. love

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha wins for most creative answer and jd gets a lifetime ban from cleaning supplies

 **7.11.J.D:** :(

 **how.very.onica:** most creative my ASS

 **hucklebettyfinn:** /martha/ didn’t try to subvert the prompt. you fool

 **martha-dunnstock:** I think Veronica is projecting her feelings for Heather onto Ms. Fleming and the janitor

 **7.11.J.D:** ASHFKLSNDHSNKBS

 **hucklebettyfinn:** *walks up to a straight couple* so… who’s the bitchy english teacher and who’s the hot janitor

 **how.very.onica:** mood

 **how.very.onica:** anyway yeah i’m not in /love/ with heather

 **how.very.onica:** but like……… i have a feeling i could be, you know? like right now i’m just crushing, but there’s the potential for more. if this flirting goes anywhere

 **martha-dunnstock:** :”) That’s really sweet! I hope it all works out between you two, you’d be a very cute couple

 **hucklebettyfinn:** stop being so pure, it’s ruining this chat’s aesthetic

 **7.11.J.D:** Whomst Here in this Thread Smokes Weed

 **how.very.onica:** kurt and ram

 **how.very.onica:** oh speaking of, have the douchejocks been giving you any trouble in gym jd??

 **7.11.J.D:** Nah it’s All Quiet on the Weed-Smoking Front

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’ve been looking out for him :)

 **hucklebettyfinn:** the purity. the love and support. when will it end

 **how.very.onica:** i’m gonna kick your ass

 **hucklebettyfinn:** there we go

_**Today** 10:54am_

**martha-dunnstock:** Hey, are we eating lunch with the Heathers again?

 **how.very.onica:** spoiled,,,

 **martha-dunnstock:** :(

 **how.very.onica:** haha i’m just fucking with you, of course we are

 **hucklebettyfinn:** /YEET/

 **7.11.J.D:** Do we Have To

 **7.11.J.D:** Having to spend Too Much Time with Heather Chandler is Emotionally and Spiritually draining

\--  
****

**[sword emoji]  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:57am_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** _7.11.J.D: Having to spend Too Much Time with Heather Chandler is Emotionally and Spiritually draining_

 **redqueen:** well he’d better get those chakras aligned, bitch, because he’s stuck with me

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HFKSBYFJSBHFN that is exactly the response i was looking for, thanks

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:59am_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** _redqueen: well he’d better get those chakras aligned, bitch, because he’s stuck with me_

 **how.very.onica:** MOOD

 **7.11.J.D:** You are All Welcome to Fight Me

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[it’s-always-sunny.jpg](http://oi65.tinypic.com/2mgmw68.jpg)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** We’d lose, though

 **hucklebettyfinn:** well, idk about you but i did taekwondo as a kid soooo

 **how.very.onica:** betty is a liar, she's never done anything athletic in her entire life

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it wasn’t a complete lie

 **7.11.J.D:** Doubtful

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i went to a birthday party at a taekwondo place once

 **hucklebettyfinn:** checkmate, athletics

 **how.very.onica:** i’d like to think we could beat him if we teamed up, but like

 **how.very.onica** : he did make it out of an altercation with kurt and ram fairly unscathed

 **martha-dunnstock:** Altercation

 **how.very.onica:** ok he avoided getting the shit kicked out of him

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s a Talent

 **hucklebettyfinn:** how did you even manage it anyway, lol

 **7.11.J.D:** They Punch Hard but they’re Shit At Dodging

 **7.11.J.D:** Also They Don’t expect You to Actually Dodge

 **martha-dunnstock:** Can we talk about something other than violence?? Like how our days are going??

 **how.very.onica:** i hate study hall, there’s nothing to do

 **martha-dunnstock:** Homework??

 **how.very.onica:** i did it all already

 **hucklebettyfinn:**  oooo dunlap's room got a new coat of paint, so you could literally watch paint dry

 **how.very.onica:** as thrilling as that sounds, i have minehan, not dunlap

 **7.11.J.D:** Tragic

 **martha-dunnstock** : Do you have any scrap paper?? You could make paper airplanes

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh!! Or origami!!!!

 **martha-dunnstock:** Or you could doodle, or write in your journal

 **how.very.onica:** i don’t really have the energy for any of that tbh

 **how.very.onica:** sorry martha

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s okay!! They’re just suggestions :) I understand

 **hucklebettyfinn:** all else fails, you could watch something on netflix

 **7.11.J.D:** I might be Biased but Documentaries Are Good

 **how.very.onica:** ok yeah i’ll check out some documentaries, thanks guys

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:58am_

 **green:** hey quick question

 **redqueen:** what is it

 **green:** Y DID NOBODY WARN ME AND VERONICA ABOUT FLEMINGS IMPROMPTU ESSAY

 **yellow:** Oops, sorry sweetie

 **green:** i wouldve hooked u up with the prompt and everything if our places were switched smh

 **how.very.onica:** heather omg stop wasting your prep time

 **green:** im coping with this treachery and deceit on the date of my birth

 **redqueen:** seriously, you can nag us later

 **redqueen:** this prompt is a monster

 **yellow:** Yeah you’re reeeeeaally gonna need the time to plan, or else you’re not gonna finish

 **green:** essays r easy ill live

 **yellow:** Then why complain [thinking face emoji]

 **yellow:** Lol, got ‘em

 **green:** ure lucky im such a fucking dweeb for u

_**Today** 12:47pm_

**how.very.onica:** so anyway, now that that’s over, who else wants to die

 **yellow:** Normally I’d say yes, but it’s my girlfriend’s birthday

 **green:** hi im the girlfriend

 **redqueen:** i used the essay as an excuse to call ms fleming a bad teacher for three paragraphs straight

 **how.very.onica:** i mean… what else were you supposed to do with that prompt

 **green:** ure weak i used it as an excuse to drag the entirety of westerberg

 **yellow:** Explain

 **green:** admin teachers and students

 **how.very.onica:** i dragged the government

 **yellow:** Our little anarchist living up to expectations as always :3

 **redqueen:** um??? false, veronica exceeds every expectation

 **how.very.onica:** wow high praise,,,

 **yellow:** In the last five minutes I just drew a furry and gave up

 **redqueen:** GHdbagsjcb

 **green:** HEATHER

 **yellow:** What??? I was gonna get an F anyway for turning it in unfinished

 **how.very.onica:** WHY A FURRY

 **yellow:** I thought it would freak her out the most

 **redqueen:** IT FREAKS /ME/ OUT

 **green:** i thought kurt was the furry but it turns out the real furry was my gf all along

 **yellow:** Lol, I’m not a furry, I did it as a joke

 **how.very.onica:** heather you say :3 on the regular

 **yellow:** Yeah but I’m no “*glomps you* owo what’s this???”

 **redqueen:** i don’t even want to know what a glomp is

 **green:** its a tackle hug

 **redqueen:** [[i-rebuke-it.gif](https://media.tenor.com/images/2745c4d1be968782ab0c883a5b366a9a/tenor.gif)]

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:03pm_

 **how.very.onica:** dude we need to talk to peter dawson more

 **7.11.J.D:** Why

 **hucklebettyfinn:** what amazing thing did he say today

 **how.very.onica:** look at what he’s wearing

 **how.very.onica:** [peter-posing-like-he’s-on-the-cover-of-vogue.jpg]

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, I didn’t know he was in your French class!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** that is a Lük™ but why is his hoodie around his shoulders

 **7.11.J.D:** He Looks like a Golfing Father of Four

 **how.very.onica:** ikr?? lol i asked him about it like “peter, what’re you doing man, only douchebags tie their jacket around their shoulders. real gays tie it around their waist”

 **how.very.onica:** and he responds like a damn legend “i’m stealing country club culture from the straights”

 **7.11.J.D:** Holy Shit what a Mood

 **martha-dunnstock:** Not to be rude, but I just don’t see how he and Dennis are compatible

 **hucklebettyfinn:** dennis is a snake and peter is a bunny rabbit with gucci sunglasses

 **how.very.onica:** lmao can i add peter in

 **7.11.J.D:** Fuck Yes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i appreciate peter

 **martha-dunnstock:** Yeah sure thing!!!

_how.very.onica has added peterpan.the.scienceman to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:06pm_

**peterpan.the.scienceman:** whats up party peoplllllllllle?!?!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** peter you’re the best

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** hahaha thanks

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** so is it just you and betty in here, very-onica?

 **how.very.onica:** nope

 **martha-dunnstock** : Nope, I’m in here too!!

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** heyyyyy martha, my favorite dm! what ever happened to that tabletop campaign you were planning?

 **martha-dunnstock:** Not everyone interested could get their hands on materials :(

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** ahh, bad luck!

 **how.very.onica:** jd is in here too but he might be busy

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** i cant say ive heard of him, is he new?

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** well welcome to westerberg! its a hellhole but we like it that way. my names peter dawson

 **7.11.J.D:** Jason Dean but Call me Jd

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** so where are you from, jd?

 **7.11.J.D:** A Lot of Places but I Hail from Texas

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** ooh nice, a traveler

 **hucklebettyfinn:** peter how do you do it omg…..

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** do what?

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you have something nice to say about EVERYBODY

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** oh is this about dennis? i know you dont like him lmao

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, it’s not that we don’t like him! We just have a hard time seeing the chemistry, you know??

 **7.11.J.D:** Well I just Don’t Like him

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** haha, understandable, i guess

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** well, dennis is clever, and hes very kind

 **how.very.onica:** dennis, kind???

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** yeah! if you saw him with his sisters youd understand

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sisters???

 **hucklebettyfinn:** did he tell you about ditching me when we thought 98 kids were going to ransack the mattress emporium

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** LOL WHATTT

 **how.very.onica:** the heathers prank called her at work, pretending to want to throw a birthday party there for a bunch of kids

 **how.very.onica:** betty was about ready to throw herself her own viking funeral when dennis skipped out

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** omg… sorry he did that betty, thats his self-preservation instinct kicking in

 **7.11.J.D:** In all Fairness I Probably would’ve Left Too

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i hate jd too

 **martha-dunnstock:** Friendship ended with J.D., now Peter is my best friend

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** youre all so mean to each other omg

 **how.very.onica:** it’s how we bond

 **how.very.onica:** martha used to love us but we ruined her

 **martha-dunnstock:** NOOOOOOOooooo

 **martha-dunnstock:** I still love you guys [pink sparkly heart emoji x3] I was only joking!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Friendship Ended with Martha now Peter is my Best Friend

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:**  wow im such a homewrecker?

 **how.very.onica:** this is where i’d change the chat name to “peter’s harem”, but subway justice™ is a staple at this point

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** lol, i was gonna leave this chat buuuut

 **hucklebettyfinn:** don’t leave us, we love you,

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** well i probably wouldnt be active if i stay anyway, im always volunteering or studying

 **7.11.J.D:** Peter I Don’t Know You but I Trust you

 **how.very.onica:**  me

 **martha-dunnstock:** If you want to leave, I respect your boundaries!

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** hmmm… yeah i think im just gonna go! you can add me back in if you ever want to chat though, i just dont know when ill answer

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** and i dont want my notifications getting clogged haha

 **peterpan.the.scienceman:** see you around!

_peterpan.the.scienceman has left the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:18pm_

**7.11.J.D:** There Goes the Only Good Man I’ve Ever Known

 **how.very.onica:** … i’m sorry your dad is such a raging asshole, jd

 **7.11.J.D:** I Know

 **how.very.onica:** jd i’m your sister now

 **7.11.J.D:** What

 **how.very.onica:** your family sucks and i can’t actually take you in so i’m unofficially adopting you

 **how.very.onica:** what’s up bro

 **7.11.J.D:** The………. Sky

 **hucklebettyfinn:** veronica your brother is stupid

 **7.11.J.D:** HFDUSJSGSHSN

 **martha-dunnstock:** Lol

 **how.very.onica:** jd, noted dumb and smelly boy,

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Not Smelly :(

 **how.very.onica:** when was the last time you washed the trenchcoat

 **7.11.J.D:** When was the Last Time you Washed your Hair

 **how.very.onica:** … ok we’re both smelly and tired

 **martha-dunnstock:** Take better care of yourselves!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** [[it’s-not-realistic.gif](https://media.tenor.com/images/a57a9bb02618092317925593873dbc35/tenor.gif)]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** for once i’m with martha, if you make an effort to stay clean you might feel a little better??? idk

 **how.very.onica:** i’m gonna need that in the form of a hypothesis, miss finn [teacher emoji]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** IF my smelly depressed friends take their respective, badly needed showers, THEN they will feel better BECAUSE they will not be dirt goblins anymore

 **7.11.J.D:** I Give It a B Minus

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you’re not my teacher bitch you're the student aide

 **how.very.onica:** C- [teacher emoji]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** for real

 **martha-dunnstock:** Self-care isn’t a luxury!! If you can muster up the energy, I think it would be beneficial :)

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Not Sure if I’m Up for the Terror that is Showering at Heather Chandler’s Mansion Again

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, what happened last time???

 **7.11.J.D:** [[caveman-spongebob.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/736589204696772608/iIPa_ArU_400x400.jpg)]

 **7.11.J.D:** This but Ass Naked

 **martha-dunnstock:** That… explains extremely little and I’m still confused

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m just imagining J.D. in the shower scene from that one horror movie, the black and white one with the lady??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do we really want a detailed account, though

 **how.very.onica:** n o

 **martha-dunnstock:** No

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **martha-dunnstock:** Well, would you be able to use the locker room showers??

 **7.11.J.D:** We have Showers?

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, i know in the girls’ locker room they’re hidden way at the back

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m pretty sure the layouts are mirrored, so we can assume it’s the same for the boys’

 **how.very.onica:** the issue is more his trenchcoat tho

 **7.11.J.D:** [gun emoji]

 **martha-dunnstock:** That sounds like it could just be washed at Heather’s

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah Jokes Aside I can Wash My Clothes there but Showering? It’s Harrowing

 **how.very.onica:** one prayer = one coupon for shampoo

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:26pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** Can we Stay Late after School Today

 **redqueen:** um… we already got up early, what more do you want from me he-demon

 **7.11.J.D:** I Need to Shower

 **redqueen:** shower at home loser

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **redqueen:** why not?????? the water pressure here is shit anyway

 **7.11.J.D:** How Have you Forgotten my Extremely Stressful Naked and Afraid Moment

 **redqueen:** whatever, are we gonna make this a regular thing? daily?

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah

 **redqueen:** alright

 **redqueen:** as long as you remember that there are actual sports teams that might be in there

 **7.11.J.D:** Ugh I’ll Live

 **redqueen:** sports teams that include kurt and ram

 **7.11.J.D:** G OD N O

 **7.11.J.D:** Fuck but I Have to

 **redqueen:** i’d suggest showering right after your eighth hour gym, but kurt and ram are in there too

 **7.11.J.D:** Either Way I’m Cursed

_**Today** 3:11pm_

**7.11.J.D:** Ok I Don’t have Soap Anyway so I’ll just Shower Tomorrow

 **redqueen:** okay

 **redqueen:** wait, did you use mr chandler’s shampoo?? the one time you showered

 **7.11.J.D:** Ew No

 **7.11.J.D:** Men’s Products Smell like Trash

 **redqueen:** somehow i doubt you’d choose mrs chandler’s $70 color-safe shampoo, so that means you used mine……

 **7.11.J.D:** Yeah I Guess

 **redqueen:** i’m cocking an imaginary shotgun at you

 **7.11.J.D:** Cock

 **redqueen:** shut the fuck up, you’re like five years old. you’re literally a toddler. shut your whore mouth. stop talking. leave. go hitch on your cowboy boots and ride into the sunset. get out of my face. you dipshit

 **7.11.J.D:** You're my Ride Home and I’m Halfway Across the School

 **redqueen:** i hate you

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Mutual

 **redqueen:** well, if you’re not here in two minutes i’m leaving without you

 **7.11.J.D:** R UDE

 **redqueen:** WE DON’T SKIP LEG DAY BITCH!!!! HAUL ASS

 **7.11.J.D:** [gun emoji x2]

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:16pm_

 **yellow:** DATE TIME DATE TIME DATE TIME DATE TIME DATE T

 **green:** BITCH IM SO EXCITED

 **how.very.onica:** have fun on your date you big memes

 **redqueen:** i love my salty gay friends

 **green:** we love u too were gonna have so much fun

 **yellow:** [yellow heart emoji x11]

 **green:** ONWARD [green heart emoji x11]

 **how.very.onica:** wow did you count so you could send the exact same amount

 **redqueen:** lmao, probably. happy birthday, have fun but not too much fun

 **yellow:** It’s our first date, I’m not about to order chicken fingers and then finger her

 **green:** ur nails are long so its a bad idea regardless

 **redqueen:** AKSGAIAHDFUANAFDNABDYSUSN

 **how.very.onica:** i think you guys just killed heather

 **green:** good riddance

 **redqueen:** WOW

 **yellow:** Hey heather, can I wear your little black dress to the funeral

 **redqueen:** i was gonna say “over my dead body,” but

 **how.very.onica:** i’m crying omg

 **redqueen:** you better be crying, it's my fucking funeral!!

 **green:** if heather actually died id be crying like a little bitch

 **redqueen:** that’s the spirit

 **yellow:** SPIRIT LOL

 **redqueen:** [blowing kiss emoji] [skull emoji]

 **redqueen:** now stop talking to us and go enjoy your date, you fucking losers

 **yellow:** I’m gonna livetweet our date

 **how.very.onica:** omg nooo

 **green:** shut the fuck up me and my gf are gonna end up in a buzzfeed article and end up meeting ellen degeneres

 **redqueen:** okay whatever, go complete your lesbian pilgrimage to the ellen show

 **how.very.onica:** i hope she gives you a lifetime supply of chicken tenders

 **yellow:** Me too

_**Today** 3:45pm_

**how.very.onica:** uhhh i’d hate to interrupt your date but i think peter, dennis, and courtney are jogging past my house

 **redqueen:** what the fuck

 **green:** pics or it didnt happen

 **how.very.onica:** [blurry-pic-but-its-definitely-them-in-dorky-workout-clothes.jpg]

 **yellow:** I know courtney has been hanging with dennis lately, but his boyfriend too?? What’s going on

 **green:** i thought peter was cool but if hes a friend of courtneys wtf

 **how.very.onica:** well, peter’s always been friendly with everybody but it is a little weird

 **green:** holy shit what if theyre actually training to overthrow us

 **how.very.onica:** idk about that

 **yellow:** It’s /really/ weird though

 **green:** im a fucking prophet

 **redqueen:** not really

 **green:** _green: maybe there are courtneys at other schools teaming up with her to make a rival gang of courtneys to boot us from the top of the food chain_

 **yellow:** I hate to contradict you sweetie but… you didn't really call it, they're not all courtneys

 **how.very.onica:** guys they’re /not/ trying to overthrow you omg..

 **redqueen:** i’m with veronica, this is courtney we’re talking about, she’s so incompetent

 **yellow:** Think about it, though

 **green:** yea we all know courtney is a notorious liar

 **green:** dennis is president of the newspaper club

 **yellow:** Wait, are you saying they could print rumors about us

 **green:** thats exactly what im saying

 **yellow:** Oh my god, and peter is there to boost their credibility, everybody likes peter

 **yellow:** It all makes sense

 **how.very.onica:** you guys are forgetting one major thing

 **yellow:** Huh

 **redqueen:** nobody reads the fucking newspaper

 **how.very.onica:** ok two major things

 **yellow:** Lol

 **how.very.onica:** they can’t just put whatever they want in there, it has to be approved

 **how.very.onica:** so there’s /very/ little chance of anything fake making its way into the paper

 **green:** … social media slander campaign then

 **how.very.onica:** guys………… it’s not that deep!!!!!!!!!

 **redqueen:** i’m with you ronnie, but in all fairness power makes you [eyes emoji] at anything that moves

 **yellow:** Well, I’m gonna be watching twitter like a damn hawk in case they try to start something

 **how.very.onica:** i’m telling you, they’re not gonna do anything like that

 **redqueen:** trust her, we’ll be fine

 **yellow:** If you say so [eyes emoji] you better not be jinxing us

 **green:** im still gonna err on the side of caution

 **how.very.onica:** ok, do what you want ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:34pm_

 **how.very.onica:** me after my almost four-hour long depression nap, desperately ignoring my problems and aggressively not telling the heathers

 **how.very.onica:** [[avoiding-lasers.gif](http://pa1.narvii.com/6249/c2a3d464c592f28c3371415bc30a2fe4572ed499_hq.gif)]

 **martha-dunnstock:** I don’t think it’s really ignoring if you mention them to us…

 **martha-dunnstock:** Not that I want you to ignore them though!!!! Definitely not D: /Always/ feel free to talk to us

 **how.very.onica:** oh shit u rite

 **hucklebettyfinn:** honestly, i would just stop waiting for the right time and place and just tell the heathers what’s up already

 **how.very.onica:**  i'm not feeling it

 **7.11.J.D:** I Agree with Betty

 **hucklebettyfinn:** hell has frozen over, jd agrees with me

 **martha-dunnstock:** I actually think it might be a good idea too!! Like, you haven’t known them long, I know, but widening your support network could help you cope better

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s ultimately your decision, I’ll understand either way :) I don’t want to pressure you again

 **how.very.onica:** thanks martha theresa

 **7.11.J.D:** If it’s Honesty Hour, My Dad is an Asshole

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, i mean kicking you out on your ass is a dick move

 **7.11.J.D:** Actually I Uh

 **7.11.J.D:** Ran Away On my Own

 **7.11.J.D:** Idk if I’m Ready to Say this yet But I’ll Do it Anyway

 **7.11.J.D:** Big Bud Dean is an Abusive Prick

 **martha-dunnstock:** Oh, I’m so sorry

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wtf, at least you’re out i guess??? shit

 **7.11.J.D:** I Really didn’t Plan Out my Escape so it was Dumb

 **martha-dunnstock:** If you felt leaving was best for your immediate safety, it was worth it

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Broke Though

 **how.very.onica:** i can ask about applying a job at the mall again? so you can transfer your phone into your own name and shit

 **7.11.J.D** : I should Get a Job for Myself Tbh you’ve Already Helped So Much

 **hucklebettyfinn:** okay, let us know if you change your mind

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m proud of you all

 **7.11.J.D:** Thank You

 **how.very.onica:** martha,,,,,,, bless you

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[dog.jpg](https://www.what-dog.net/Images/faces2/scroll000.jpg)]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** thanks martha, here’s a good dog i found on google

 **how.very.onica:** wow that’s a good boy

 **7.11.J.D:** Premium Canine

 **martha-dunnstock:** Excellent!

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _7:42pm_

 **how.very.onica:** hey how’s pufflesnoot? are duke and mac back from their date yet?

 **yellow:** Yup! Pufflesnoot, like my gf, is well-loved and very soft

 **green:** i dont know why im crying in the club right now

 **redqueen:** pure tbh. how was the date

 **green:** i was gonna say it was the best birthday ever… but then i remembered that year u skinned ur knee at the trampoline place

 **redqueen:** IT WAS LIKE SEVENTH GRADE LET IT GO

 **green:** BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY

 **yellow:** I can still hear the echoes…….

 **yellow:** “ALL EYES ON ME, HOES, YOUR GIRL'S GONNA DO A FLiPp” and then an empathic ”FUCK”, but no tears

 **redqueen:** and then duke’s parents called me out for swearing

 **how.very.onica:** that sounds /extremely/ good

 **green:** it wasnt just good it was the /best/

_**Today** 9:21pm_

**how.very.onica:** what’s the consensus on cats

 **yellow:** I give them five :3s out of five

 **green:** i like dogs better but cats are chill

 **redqueen:** cats are like me, salty and selective, so they’re pretty fantastic

 **yellow:** Furry

 **redqueen:** no

 **how.very.onica:** cool, cool

 **how.very.onica:** i used to have a cat but he ran away, it really fucked me up for a while

 **yellow:** Aw that sucks, what was his name??

 **how.very.onica:** i named him after jfk

 **green:** thats incredible

 **how.very.onica:** it was between that and meow-ssile crisis, but i thought jfk was in better taste

 **redqueen:** AKSLJAGDLAJGDNAGJ

 **yellow:** Why though,

 **how.very.onica:** we were learning about jfk when i got him, i thought it would be funny, and it was

 **green:** big mood

 **how.very.onica:** anyway uh, how to say this

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:23pm_

 **yellow:** /????????/

 **green:** whats going on

 **redqueen:** i’m just as lost as you are

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _9:28pm_

 **how.very.onica:** ok i’m just gonna.. get on with it

 **how.very.onica:** after jfk ran away i got depressed because i’ve always assumed he died out there, so i felt guilty and i started seeing him everywhere, like literally, then he went away for a long time and now he’s back

 **how.very.onica:** please don’t think of me differently, but that’s why i’ve been acting… a little off

 **yellow:** Do you have any idea why it might be coming back???

 **how.very.onica:** not really, i’ve been feeling shitty about my grades but idk if that's enough

 **green:** yea idk it sounds like it could be

 **redqueen:** does this have anything to do with the pictures you’ve been taking??

 **how.very.onica:** oh, yeah, i do that so i can send them to betty, so she can confirm there’s nothing there

 **yellow:** Who all knows?

 **how.very.onica:** you guys, betty, martha, and jd. betty’s known since middle school and helped me through it the first time, everyone else i’ve only told in the past few days

 **green:** is it just the cat staring at u or does it like talk

 **green:** sorry if thats dumb or rude to ask btw

 **how.very.onica:** nah it’s fine, i’d rather help you understand right away

 **how.very.onica:** he doesn’t talk, thank god, but the real question is if he did, would he call me a pussy

 **redqueen:** AKSLAHDLAHDGKAGSHD

 **yellow:** I feel bad for laughing omg

 **how.very.onica:** lol don’t be!! humor is how i Cope™

 **how.very.onica:** anyway, he’ll meow at me, brush against me, weave around my legs when i’m trying to walk and stuff so it’s. really distracting

 **redqueen:** is there anything we can do to help you out?

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, google says distracting me from him is good, so if you see me staring at nothing or stumbling because my dead fake cat's being a dick, just like, call my attention away somehow

 **how.very.onica:** talking to me, showing me stuff on your phones, shit like that

 **green:** u better be ready ronnie im gonna show u so many goddamn goat pics

 **yellow:** Why goats,,,,

 **green:** have u seen goats theyre hilarious

 **yellow:** Fair point

 **redqueen:** tbh? goats are the michael cera of animals

 **how.very.onica:** that’s… so specific but so true

 **how.very.onica:** but thanks so much for the support you guys, i’m so emo

 **yellow:** We’re here for you, girl!!

 **redqueen:** yeah, if that bitch cat is giving you trouble you can always count on us

 **green:** were the most ride or die clique this side of remington

 **how.very.onica:** [blue heart emoji x3]

 **how.very.onica:** thank youuuuuu

 **yellow:** Next time we see you, I think a group hug is in order :3c

 **redqueen:** oh fuck yes

 **green:** im dabbing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> veronica has psychotic depression, she doesn't experience delusions, and her hallucinations are triggered by stress, though she may understate the severity of that stress. her hallucinations will likely be discussed more in future chapters, but are not intended to be a catalyst for angst or a driving force of the plot. it's just a part of veronica's life that she has to deal with, and i intend to portray it as faithfully and fairly as i can.
> 
> if any part of my portrayal is inaccurate, offensive, or generally poorly received, i'd be happy to revise it, or write it out of this chapter and 12 entirely, though this would set back progress on new chapters.


	14. Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ms fleming gets dragged, the return of kurt and ram, and duke puts the wheels in motion for the heathers' most elaborate plan yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo! it didn't take me eight months this time! enjoy the penultimate chapter of heathens quadrupled

**squad = h^3 + v**

_**Today** 6:47am_

**redqueen:** "Homework: read and annotate" FFFUFCUGEDYJWGFYSHWBDFSG F L E M I N G

 **redqueen:** WHY DOES THIS HOE EMAIK US OUR HMOEWRK THE MORNIGN ITS DUE

 **green:** lol at least we all have a study hall before her class

 **yellow:** I don’t

 **how.very.onica:** aw shit martha and jd don’t either

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:49am_

 **how.very.onica:** hey guys heads up, fleming gave us an article to annotate this morning before class

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Not Doing It

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i could do it but i’m not going to out of stubbornness and solidarity

 **martha-dunnstock:** Usually I would say we should do our homework, because it’s important even if we don’t like the teacher, but…

 **martha-dunnstock:** I think it’s really unfair to assign us something when not everyone has the opportunity to do it before her class :(

 **how.very.onica:** boycott ms phlegm’s bullshit, people!! fight the power

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:53am_

 **how.very.onica:** alright don’t do phlegm’s assignment, we’re boycotting this trash

 **yellow:** I’ll send out a mass text to all the other seniors

 **green:** this is veronicas bastille

 **redqueen:** the band?????

 **how.very.onica:** GFUNAFDYSB you /are/ taking french, right

 **redqueen:** yeah???

 **how.very.onica:** what english word does bastille look like

 **redqueen:**  bastard.

 **how.very.onica:** it looks like battle ahajsbgd it was this dramatic french battle/protest

 **yellow:** Heather, she means the storming of the bastille

 **redqueen:** let me google this shit

_**Today** 6:56am_

**redqueen:** oh

 **redqueen:** well the walls start tumbling down in this city that we love

 **green:** u dont even have the right lyrics lmfao

 **how.very.onica:** do any of us actually know the words

 **yellow:** Probably not

 **green:** … u win this round

 **redqueen:** i always win, cunty [blowing kiss emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** isn’t it supposed to be “hunty”

 **yellow:** [[i-don’t-know-enough.jpg](http://oi68.tinypic.com/m8jrtj.jpg)]

 **yellow:** Anyway the mass text is out, if they all play along then ms fleming will have to give us our assignments when she’s supposed to

 **green:** no more essays assigned at four am

 **how.very.onica:** maybe now i’ll be able to get to bed at decent times

 **green:** i was gonna say that now i can video call my gf to watch shrek instead of doing flemings bs but ur ideas good too

 **redqueen:** honestly, if you’re not watching b-list animated movies at 4am with loved ones, then what are you doing with your life

 **yellow:** Idk, what are you doing?

 **redqueen:** OUCH

 **how.very.onica:** what about /bee/-list films

 **redqueen:** no

 **how.very.onica:** ouch oof ouch my sense of humor

 **green:** what a mood

 **redqueen:** i’ll be sure to update you all next hour, fleming is going to flip the fuck out

 **yellow:** Make sure to have your phone at the ready to record it

 **green:** p l e a s e

 **how.very.onica:** make phlegm youtube famous for being a bitch 2k15

_**Today** 9:09am_

**redqueen:** i am so disappointed

 **redqueen:** she’s just like, sighhhh

 **yellow:** Damn :/

 **green:** shell probably get angrier as the day goes on and her seniors keep turning in nothing

 **how.very.onica:** in that case i guess i’ll be recording lmao, i have her class the latest out of all of us

 **how.very.onica:** speaking of recording, cat or no cat

 **how.very.onica:** [just-some-shoes.jpg]

 **yellow:** No cat!

 **how.very.onica:** ok!

 **green:** why is it always ur shoes

 **how.very.onica:** well he is a cat, so he messes with my shoelaces or lays on my feet

 **redqueen:** sounds annoying

 **how.very.onica:** it’s the worst when i have to stand up and remember i don’t have to shake him off, because like, he’s not really there

 **redqueen:** people would probably just think your foot fell asleep or something, if you forgot not to

 **how.very.onica:** eh, if i get in the habit of acknowledging him then things will suck more. it’s better if i ignore him

 **yellow:**  Yeah, that makes sense

 **green:** so hes basically an internet troll he thrives on ur negative attention

 **redqueen:** HJDBSGSHSVDF

 **how.very.onica:** self-care is imagining your fake dead cat as a bitter youtube commenter

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:09am_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** [[inhaling-seagull-meme-blank.jpg](http://oi66.tinypic.com/1htqgy.jpg)]

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HEY THERE DELILAH WHATS IT LIKE IN NEW YORK CITY YOURE A THOUSAND MILES AWAY BUT GIRL TONIGHT YOU LOOK SO PRETTY YES YOU DOOO TIMES SQUARE CANT SHINE AS BRIGHT AS YOUUUU I SWEAR ITS TRUUEEE

 **martha-dunnstock:** I love that song!!

 **7.11.J.D:** How does he Know She Looks Pretty if he’s a Thousand Miles Away

 **hucklebettyfinn:** idk, video calls???

 **how.very.onica:** >:0

 **how.very.onica:** all women are QUEENS anakin!

 **7.11.J.D:** I never Said they Weren’t but Even Queens have Ugly days

 **hucklebettyfinn:** jiminy cricket dean you take that back right now

 **7.11.J.D:** I have Done Nothing Wrong in my Entire Life Ever

 **martha-dunnstock:** Everybody makes mistakes

 **hucklebettyfinn:** EVERYBODY HAS THOSE DAYS

 **how.very.onica:** fuck. martha you’ve done it

 **hucklebettyfinn:** EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT, WHAT IM TALKIN GBOUT EVERYBODY GETS THAT WAY

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty is very musical today!!!

 **how.very.onica:** please, make it stop, i beg of you,

 **hucklebettyfinn:** I CANT STOP THE, I CSNT STOP THE FEEELIIIINNGG

 **7.11.J.D:** Remember when Betty had a Personality Outside Of Subway and Song Lyrics

 **hucklebettyfinn:** <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYH4fvZXvWU>

**martha-dunntock:** #Roasted

 **how.very.onica:** i’m getting the impression that betty is bored in… betty what class are you in

 **hucklebettyfinn:** gym

 **how.very.onica:** right, you have gym with the heathers

 **7.11.J.D:** Do they even Sweat I’m Not Sure they’re Entirely Human

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m gonna start squirting you with a water bottle when you say something mean

 **7.11.J.D:** :(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** hahahahaaaa, sucker

 **martha-dunnstock:** I can start squirting water at you, too

 **7.11.J.D:** Ha!

 **how.very.onica:** welcome to martha dunnstock’s obedience school, fuckers

 **martha-dunnstock:** Bad and naughty puppers get splashed with water for their crimes!!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** AKSHAKHAGSIABSFSH

 **7.11.J.D:** PUPPERS

 **how.very.onica:** idk what’s funnier: “puppers” or the concept of dog crime

 **hucklebettyfinn:** haven’t you ever seen all dogs go to heaven

 **7.11.J.D:** I Can’t Say I Have

 **martha-dunnstock:** Isn’t that the one with Scarface as a dog and gambling or something??

 **how.very.onica:** how have i not seen this, it sounds right up my alley

 **hucklebettyfinn:** we should watch it this friday

 **martha-dunnstock:** It was a little dark for my taste, but the animation was pretty good, so I wouldn’t mind!

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s time For Dog crime Bitches

 **martha-dunnstock:**  Excuse me??

 **7.11.J.D:** Pun

 **martha-dunnstock:**  OH, lol

 **7.11.J.D:** Fleming is Seething Btw

 **how.very.onica:** oh she’s definitely gonna flip by the time i get there

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i can just imagine her like. sniffing the air and she’s like “i know veronica did this”

 **martha-dunnstock:** It’s the logical assumption, considering how much Veronica talks back to her

 **7.11.J.D:** I Aspire toward Her Courage Lmao

 **martha-dunnstock:** No you don’t understand

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica once pulled receipts on Fleming’s claims of being 39 and also being at Woodstock, which was like, 45 years ago?

 **how.very.onica:** 46, now

 **7.11.J.D:** I CONIC

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wait, so was she at woodstock and lying to us about her age? i forget

 **how.very.onica:** even better: she wasn’t lying about her age, but she was lying about being at woodstock for hippie street cred even though she wasn’t born yet

 **martha-dunnstock:** Exposed!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Veronica Sawyer is my Favorite Superhero

 **how.very.onica:** [[bitch-me-too-the-fuck.gif](https://media1.tenor.com/images/216b7b934e81eca2d73ca2d19b512a8f/tenor.gif)]

 **how.very.onica:** i wouldn't be surprised if she sent me to the office before i even set foot inside the door

 **martha-dunnstock:** I hope not!!

 **hucklebettyfinn:** no but imagine if she did, ronnie would be a martyr for the cause

 **7.11.J.D:** So what I’m Hearing is that Veronica should Try To Get Sent to the Office

 **how.very.onica:** nah, i don’t want that on record for colleges to see

 **martha-dunnstock:** Just keep your head down and try not to look too smug if she gets mad

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if??? lmao, more like when

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:22am_

 **redqueen:** je suis…lesbienne

 **green:** i dont speak pretentious what does that say

 **redqueen:** ALSJAKSKHSJJJDNSH

 **redqueen:** it means i’m GAY you CUNT

 **yellow:** Heather bangs her scrunchie on the table and demands a veronica pussy indulgence

 **green:** FKCJDJSJDBGJ

 **redqueen:**  .........anyway

 **redqueen:** veronica has no business looking that hot

 **yellow:** It’s not fair that she’s hot without trying

 **green:** isnt that y we became friends with her in the first place

 **redqueen:** ……..girls

 **yellow:** Lol

 **redqueen:** no you dONT UNDERSTAND G I R LS

 **green:** were all lesbians here

 **redqueen:** THATS NOT WHAT I MEan LOOK AT HTE FCKGIN WALL

 **green:** WHAT THE HELL

 **yellow:** [[aaron-paul-screaming.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/211/045/d84.jpg)]

 **redqueen:** THEY CANT DO THIS TO US. NO.

 **green:** this is bullshit

 **yellow:** I guess heather wasn’t wrong to be thinking about homecoming this early

 **redqueen:** YEAH BECAUSE ITS NOT EARLY ANYMORE!!!!!! THE DANCE IS SATURDAY

 **yellow:** My cheer squad has just barely started, what are we even gonna do at the game

 **green:** oh we should probably explain to veronica and her geeks why were freaking out

 **redqueen:** damn she looks so cute when she’s confused

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _11:49am_

 **7.11.J.D:** I don’t Want to Go to the Stupid Dance

 **hucklebettyfinn:** then don’t

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty…!!!!  >:(

 **hucklebettyfinn:** why jd of course i understand your feelings, which are Valid™, and while we all want to go you should… do whatever you want i don’t care

 **martha-dunnstock:** I give you a C-  >:(

 **how.very.onica:** what we mean to say is, we really wanna go to the dance, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to come just to spend time with us

 **martha-dunnstock:** We can always hang out afterwards!!

 **7.11.J.D:** I’ll Consider Going but the Afterparty Will Likely Be more Fun

 **hucklebettyfinn:** do what you want, stinky

 **hucklebettyfinn:**  hey ronnie, how is our favorite english teacher

 **how.very.onica:** hmmmm

\--

_how.very.onica is streaming live!  
_

_11:52am_

{Watch now!}

The screen is black, with only the sounds of miscellaneous chatter of a class settling in for the period.

**English Class feat. Phlegm**

 

_6 watching_

**how.very.onica:** bet you didn’t know this existed

 **martha-dunnstock:** !!!!!!!! I did not!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Wtf

 **hucklebettyfinn:** this app is so lit

 **redqueen:** color me surprised, i thought it was only good for group chats

 **green:** this is gonna be good

 **yellow:** Mind if I share this, veronica??

 **how.very.onica:** I probably wouldn’t, I don’t wanna get busted

 **hucklebettyfinn:** yeah, having the entire senior class watching would be sure to grab admin’s attention

 **martha-dunnstock:** Better play it safe!!

MS. FLEMING clears her throat loudly, but the class ignores it and continues to talk over her. She clears it again, then bangs something against her desk and they finally quiet down.

 **MS. FLEMING:** Good afternoon, class!

 **VERONICA:** Actually, it’s still morning.

 **martha-dunnstock:** I thought she was gonna keep her head down!!!

 **green:** but do we rly want her to

 **yellow:** No

 **7.11.J.D:** No

 **hucklebettyfinn:** absolutely not

 **redqueen:** tear the bitch apart ronnie

When FLEMING replies, she sounds strained.

 **FLEMING:** Yes, well. At any rate, let’s begin by collecting your homework from last night.

 **VERONICA:** Don’t you mean this morning, again? I seem to recall waking up to an email sent at almost 7AM telling us the homework.

 **FLEMING:** No matter when the email was sent, I expect to see some homework, people!

After a brief pause, FLEMING becomes audibly desperate.

 **FLEMING:** Senioritis shouldn‘t be kicking in this early, come on, now!

 **VERONICA:** Oh, give it up, girl. No one did it.

FLEMING sighs.

 **FLEMING:** I was hoping your class would be the one, but I guess none of my senior classes were up to the task, today. All feeling a bit lazy? Are we still shaking off the summer lethargy?

 **VERONICA:** It’s not that we can’t handle the work, and we’re not lazy. Not everyone has a study hall in the morning, Phlegm. You have to stop assigning sh-- stuff the morning it’s due!

 **FLEMING:** Oh. So this wasn't laziness, but an… organized protest?

 **VERONICA:** Yup.

There is a long, tense pause.

 **FLEMING:** Oh, I knew there was a reason you were my favorite student!

The class bursts out laughing. VERONICA laughs nervously, not having expected a favorable response. Then, the stream cuts out.

 **yellow:** LMAO

 **hucklebettyfinn:** PLOT TIWST OF THE CENTURY

 **how.very.onica:** IM PSISING GUYS HOLY FUCK

 **martha-dunnstock:** OH THANK GOODNESS!!!! I WAS SO SCARED

 **7.11.J.D:** VERONICA THE M YTH THE L EGEND

 **redqueen:** RONNIE YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE

 **how.very.onica:** THANKS I HATE HER

 **green:** god that was so iconic

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:03pm_

 **how.very.onica:** now that’s dealt with, we can focus on what’s really important: what are we doing for homecoming

 **yellow:** Oh no

 **green** : incoming wall of text

 **how.very.onica:** ?

 **redqueen:** our dresses will be color-coded, but as darker shades of our signature colors, to save the most vibrant shades for prom. this is non-negotiable. betty, martha and jd can wear whatever they want, but sticking to our theme is preferred. no bags are allowed inside the gym, so don’t bother using a purse as an accessory. everyone takes their shoes off anyway, so the comfort of your shoes is unimportant, so long as they look good for pictures.

 **redqueen:** you can either shop on your own, or with me saturday from noon to 5. i can pay. at around 5 on saturday we’ll get together to do hair, makeup, and pictures. location is pending due to recent waterslide events.

 **redqueen:** while at the dance, give off your most inaccessible lesbian vibes so boys won’t bother you. (in the case of ronnie, bi vibes, though if she ditches us for a boy i won’t mind as long as he’s nice. if he’s a prick to her, i'll break his jaw.) afterparty location is pending due to recent waterslide events. no matter where it is, i will provide booze, unless we would rather stay sober.

 **how.very.onica:** holy shit, how did you type that fast

 **redqueen:** copy-paste, it’s been sitting in my notes for ages

 **how.very.onica:** wowww

 **yellow:** Heather really likes dances, can you tell

 **green:** its the power trip more than anything

 **redqueen:** … yeah

 **how.very.onica:** i’ll let everybody know, thanks! me, betty, and martha will probably be joining you to shop on saturday. jd might wanna come just so he won’t be stuck hiding in the mansion, i would ask him about that directly

 **redqueen:** i love when a plan comes together

 **green:** speaking of plans

 **yellow:** Oh no

 **green:** who wants in on operation homecoming crashers

 **how.very.onica:** lol what

 **yellow:** You’re my gf and I usually support you, but you’re not stealing a golf cart

 **green:** but it would go down in westerberg history

 **yellow:** And you’re not stealing all that other stuff either

 **green:** try me

 **redqueen:** … once lawyers get involved, i was never part of this conversation

 **yellow:**  Rt

 **how.very.onica:** you should get jd in on this, he’s like a ninja and he’s down for anything

 **green:** noted ure the real mvp

 **yellow:** Enabler,,

 **redqueen:** /anyway/ who would be willing and able to have us over to do makeup, and whose house would be available for a sleepover

 **yellow:** My dad probably wouldn’t mind, and if we go in my room he won’t bother us, I could do both

 **how.very.onica:** would he mind if jd is there?

 **yellow:** Probably not

 **green:** bless ur dad tbh

 **redqueen:** now, to booze or not to booze

 **how.very.onica:** i’d feel bad taking advantage of mac’s dad trusting us, so i vote no booze

 **green:** i second that motion itd just be a dick move

 **yellow:** Yeah we shouldn’t drink this time

 **redqueen:** mmkay, works for me

 **redqueen:** trying to sneak out jd /and/ alcohol would just be hubris

 **green:** me and mac will meet u at the mall on saturday then

 **how.very.onica:** oh chandler, will you pick up me, betty, and martha too?

 **redqueen:** yeah

 **how.very.onica:** ok cool lol, betty will be thrilled to not be the chauffeur this time

 **green:** … can i wear red

 **redqueen:** why would you ask that, knowing that i’m always red?

 **green:** ok ok u rite

 **yellow:** Does that apply to makeup too? Like, no red lipstick??

 **redqueen:** i’ll make an exception for makeup, but in moderation

 **yellow:** So like, if I use red lipstick I shouldn’t use red eyeshadow?

 **redqueen:** yeah, you might look better in gold eyeshadow anyway

 **green:** oh fuck i love ur gold eyeshadow pls let me use it

 **redqueen:** lmao i don’t want to micromanage your makeup, the outfits are enough for me. use whatever you want, just go easy on the red

 **how.very.onica:** you guys plan for homecoming like it’s a black ops mission, i love it

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:11pm_

 **yellow:** “Veronica do you know what I love ;3”

 **green:** MMMM VEROCINA I LOVE UuuuUUUuu [moaning emoji x3] [water emoji x2] [ok emoji x2]

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _12:12pm_

 **redqueen:** die

 **how.very.onica:** ? i’m tryin

 **redqueen:** GFHSGDGSHGDTDHDB NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WRONGCHTABAGABSX

 **redqueen:** HEATHER IM GONNA KILL YUO

 **green:** [[gtgchicken.jpg](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/700728727919919106/zIGmXCk6.jpg)]

 **how.very.onica:** oh did you reinstate the bully heather chat

 **yellow:** Yup, we have to preserve her dignity in some small way

 **green:** what dignity i just destroyed it

 **redqueen:** [[unfollow-me-now.jpg](http://oi65.tinypic.com/33112yv.jpg)]

 **yellow:** Wow, no delay?

 **redqueen:** i like to be prepared in case of emergencies

 **yellow:** Emergency: heather questioning your authority

 **yellow:** .. She always does that, though

 **redqueen:** but it breaks my heart every time… [broken heart emoji]

 **green:** it would if u had one

 **how.very.onica:** OUCH

\--  
****

**operation homecoming crashers  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:22pm_

_green has added ramsweeneytodd and kurtkellyclarkson to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:23pm_

**kurtkellyclarkson:** Whats up dyke

 **green:** ****duke

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Oh it was actualy a typo that time lol

 **green:** god ure so fucking lucky i need ur help

 **ramsweeneytodd:** whats in it 4 us

 **green:** booze and glory

 **ramsweeneytodd:** ok hell yea, were in

 **green:** alright no take backs

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** What’s that supost too mean

_green has added 7.11.J.D to the conversation.  
****_

_**Today** 1:25pm_

**ramsweeneytodd:** ffs

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** I’ll help u out but I’m not working with that fuckin fag

 **7.11.J.D:** Shut Up you Kiss Like a Fish

 **ramsweeneytodd:** u should be glad all i did was tell my dad, jackass, i couldve beat ur ass

 **7.11.J.D:** ………… Heather I Don’t know What you Want From Me but I Can’t Deal with them

 **green:** all of u will just have to suck it up bc this is in pursuit of a greater goal

 **7.11.J.D:** Which Is…?

 **green:** pranking the pep rally

 **7.11.J.D:** How Much has Veronica Told You of uhhh Recent Events

 **green:** not much but its not my business so

 **green:** anyway u guys barely have to see each other to help me pull this off so like i said

 **green:**  u just gotta deal

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Whatever

 **ramsweeneytodd:** if kurts fine with it, im fine

 **7.11.J.D:** … I’m In

 **green:** ok meet me in the caf after school so i can give u more info

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Me n ram have a long practice bc the game is tmrw

 **ramsweeneytodd:** yea i dont think we can make it

 **7.11.J.D:** The Locker Room is an Option

 **green:** ew

 **ramsweeneytodd:** rt heather

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** U just wanna see us naked fuckin perv

 **7.11.J.D:** It’s Practical we just have to Sneak Heather In

 **green:** ughhh i dont wanna but bo diddley is right

 **green:** if i throw on some football gear i could blend in as u come in from practice

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** U would look like a twink

 **green:** half the team are twinks

 **ramsweeneytodd:** …. tru

 **7.11.J.D:** So How Long should I Loiter After School

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Idk like 4 hours

 **7.11.J.D:** F OUR?????

 **ramsweeneytodd:** we said itd be a long practice dipshit

 **7.11.J.D:** Hmmm

 **green:** im not sure u could sneak back out of heathers mansion if u went to chill there until practice ends

 **7.11.J.D:** There is No Such Thing as Chilling at Heather’s Mansion

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Wait wtf dose bo diddley have to do at Heather’s mansion

 **7.11.J.D:** Squatting

 **ramsweeneytodd:** i didnt know she had a workout room wtf shes a liar

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** I new her place was to big not too have a workout room

 **7.11.J.D:** Not what I Meant But I'll Roll with it

 **green:** ANYWAY lets meet up in the locker room at 7

 **green:** jd if u dont go with chandler come find me in the parking lot and we can go to veronicas or something while we wait for 7 to come around

 **7.11.J.D:** That Works for Me

 **green:** after i drop off my gf ofc

 **kurtkellyclarkson:** Oh ur finally banging Mac??

 **green:** my sex life isnt ur business but im dating her

 **ramsweeneytodd:** congrats lesbo

 **green:** locker room. 7. be there or be square

\--  
****

**Roommate Chat  
**

**_Today_ ** _2:56pm_

 **7.11.J.D:** I’m Not Riding with You Today I’m Helping Duke with Something

 **redqueen:** okay, try not to do anything too illegal i guess

 **7.11.J.D:** It will Probably be Very Illegal knowing Me

 **redqueen:** idk why i even asked

 **7.11.J.D:** Lol

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:00pm_

 **green:** hey veronica u should ride with me jd and mac today

 **how.very.onica:** lol why’s jd coming with you

 **green:** hes gonna help me with operation homecoming crashers and doesnt feel like sneaking out of heathers mansion

 **redqueen:** oh god that’s what you’re doing?? smh

 **how.very.onica:** … eh, fine, maybe i’ll help you with your prank too lol

 **yellow:** Don’t encourage her;;;;

 **green:** ure gonna wish u got involved babe its gonna be amazing

 **yellow:** You’re gonna get in so much trouble lmao

 **green:** the risk is part of what makes it great

 **green:** also ik marthad never go for illegal activities™ but what about betty

 **how.very.onica:** well, underaged drinking is one thing, theft is another entirely

 **yellow:** Knowing betty, she’d probably want to be involved for the experience, though

 **green:** veronica if u could extend her my offer to join operation homecoming crashers

 **redqueen:** how much manpower do you even need

 **green:** i think were good if betty helps [sunglasses emoji] but everyones welcome to pitch in

 **how.very.onica:** i’ll ask her, but i don’t wanna leave martha out, can i invite her to help too?

 **green:** ill have to think of something legal for her to do lol but sure

 **green:** OH yea ive got an idea

 **green:** mac u can share marthas job ure a professional

 **yellow:** ??? Lol what

 **green:** u two dont have to do anything today ull just be my hype women tomorrow

 **yellow:** What does that mean

 **redqueen:** cheerlead

 **yellow:** Ohh, yeah I guess I can do that lol

 **yellow:** I’ll be at the jeep in a sec honey

 **green:** veronica u too or nah

 **how.very.onica:** yeah!! what are we doing

 **green:** me and jd have an appointment with the douchejocks at 7 to give them marching orders

 **how.very.onica:** so until then we’re open…… we could hang out at mine?? my mom would be delighted to make dinner for more than three for once

 **redqueen:** fuck i am NOT being left out, we’re all going to veronica’s

 **yellow:** :3

 **redqueen:** i’ll drive whoever doesn’t fit in the jeep

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:08pm_

 **how.very.onica** : everybody come to my house for spaghetti and chill

 **hucklebettyfinn:** veronimom’s spaghetti? count me in

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’d love to!!! Betty, can you drive us??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** if i gotta

 **how.very.onica:** duke is taking me, mac, and jd, so there’s room for one more in the jeep if you hurry

 **how.very.onica:** otherwise chandler could take you guys

 **martha-dunnstock:** Hmmm

 **martha-dunnstock:** Veronica, I think you should go with Heather!!

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, that’s what i was planning on already

 **martha-dunnstock:** No, I mean Heather Chandler!! Get in some flirty bonding time with your crush

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha dunnstock, mother theresa, and cupid all in one

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m a package deal! :)

 **how.very.onica:** aaaaaa i think i will, then you guys can all fit in the jeep

 **7.11.J.D:** Hurry Up y’all are So Slow

 **hucklebettyfinn:** just for that i’m gonna walk slower

 **how.very.onica:** betty we can literally see you at the front doors

 **hucklebettyfinn:** don’t wave at me you fuck

 **7.11.J.D:** :(

 **martha-dunnstock:** I’m almost there!!

_**Today** 3:15pm_

**how.very.onica:** heather is just blaring fools by troye sivan and not looking at me or talking, what do i do

 **how.very.onica:** it's so awkward

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lol she can’t look at you, she’s driving

 **martha-dunnstock** : Don’t crash!!!!!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** Let Jesus take the Wheel

 **how.very.onica:** you guys give the worst advice

 **hucklebettyfinn:** where have we ever indicated that we make sound decisions of our own

 **how.very.onica:** touché

 **martha-dunnstock:** I think I make pretty sound decisions!!!

 **7.11.J.D:** You thought Ram was Boyfriend Material

 **martha-dunnstock:** Correct, but ouch

 **how.very.onica:** wait, jd wasn’t in the chat yet when that happened, how do you know about that trenchcoat boy [eyes emoji]

 **7.11.J.D:** Being the Weird Loner means I Overhear Just About Every rumor in The School

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lmao

 **how.very.onica:** ok fuck i’m totally blowing my chance to talk to heather alone. way to go distracting me, you assholes

 **martha-dunntock:** You could always play 20 questions??

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _3:32pm_

 **redqueen:** hey pricks i think i might be late

 **redqueen:** i KNOW we’re in the same room, that's why it’s fucking funny

 **redqueen:** LAUGH YOU CLOWNS

_**Today** 3:54pm_

**green:** veronica can we be gay in front of ur parents

 **how.very.onica:** yeah, go wild

 **yellow:** YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO SHOUT “I’M A LESBIAN” HDKSBDGDB

 **green:** SHE SAID GO WILD

 **redqueen:** i like how your parents just… immediately accepted that we’re gonna be shouting until we leave

 **how.very.onica:** they know they’re outnumbered

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _4:46pm_

 **redqueen:** veronica, in an apron, with her hair up, is the cutest thing i’ve ever seen in my goddamn life

 **yellow:** Then tell her, you coward!!!!

 **redqueen:** HER MOM IS RIGHT THERE

 **green:** hasnt stopped me from macking on mac u could honestly do so much worse than a compliment

 **yellow:** “Buenos dias ronnie” *smacks her ass*

 **redqueen:** STOP AKJSJSJSGDHD

 **green:** are u gonna ask her to homecoming

 **redqueen:** i wasn’t planning on it, but i totally should

 **yellow:** Well, now’s a good time, go for it!!!!

 **redqueen:** i have a better idea

 **yellow:** ?? Tell us tell us tell us!!!

 **redqueen:** heather, what were you planning on betty doing for your prank

 **green:** break into the announcers booth and play some inspirational music

 **redqueen:** fuck that’s perfect. i have a song rec

 **green:** cool what is it ill tell her

 **redqueen:** i’ll tell her myself, i think it’s more fun if it’s a surprise for everyone else

 **yellow:** Make sure there isn’t any swearing

 **yellow:** We don’t want to get in trouble with the school for that, on top of everything else we’re doing

 **green:** smart cookie

 **yellow:** That should be a buzzfeed quiz, what kind of girl scout cookie you are

 **redqueen:** they probably have one already

 **yellow:** Let’s find out!!

_**Today** 5:03pm_

**redqueen:** holy shit....... get yourself a girl who can cook……

 **green:** rt

 **yellow:** Hey, I can bake!!!

 **green:** ok u do make the best muffins and i appreciate u

 **yellow:** [yellow heart x5]

 **redqueen:** this spaghetti is incredible. how do you make /spaghetti/ incredible

 **yellow:** Veronica is wife material, don’t you dare lose her heather

 **redqueen:** we aren’t even dating yet but i’ll do my best, lol

 **redqueen:** .. i don’t wanna mess this up

 **green:** do u see the way shes looking a u right now?? u couldnt mess it up even if u tried

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _5:27pm_

 **hucklebettyfinn:** hey jd, how salty are you that we have to leave the door open because of you

 **7.11.J.D:** Thoroughly

 **martha-dunnstock:** My parents would do the same thing if they knew you came over

 **hucklebettyfinn:** … yeah same

 **7.11.J.D:** Well at Least it could be Worse

 **how.very.onica:** they probably would’ve invited us to play monopoly if the heathers weren’t here

 **martha-dunnstock:** Wait, what?? I would’veloved to play a board game

 **how.very.onica:** the heathers have that weird ban on monopoly

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wild

\--  
****

**squad = h^3 + v  
**

**_Today_ ** _6:41pm_

 **redqueen:** martha keeps trying to make small talk with me, why aren't you dOING ANYTHING

 **yellow:** She’s harmless, don’t sweat it

 **redqueen:** she’s being way too nice, it burns

 **how.very.onica:** lol i was about to lecture you about being mean to her but you’re just being edgy and melodramatic, got it

 **redqueen:** wow, i just got dragged within an inch of my life

 **green:** u dont get to complain heather betty has commandeered my radio shes playing the high school musical soundtrack

 **yellow:** Yeah, she does that

 **how.very.onica:** it’s extremely cursed, but also really funny at the same time??

 **how.very.onica:** she’s trying to get jd to sing along but he doesn't know the words

 **redqueen:** god, why am i stuck in the pure car

 **yellow:** Because you don’t trust anyone else to drive your car

 **redqueen:** oh yeah

_**Today** 6:57pm_

**green:** ok betty picked up her car and shes driving home now

 **green:** me and ronnie are twink-ifying ourselves

 **yellow:** What

 **how.very.onica:** throwing on football gear to blend in with the jocks when they come in from practice, get into the locker room, boss kurt and ram around

 **redqueen:** lmao what about jd

 **how.very.onica:** People Expect Me to Lurk in Dark corners so I Won’t Stand Out any More than Usual - Jd

 **redqueen:** and i should meet you guys at school soon to get veronica and jd, right?

 **green:** bingo

 **yellow:** Part of me regrets missing out on the wildest parts of this scheme

 **yellow:** The other part of me wants to use pufflesnoot as a pillow and go to sleep early

 **how.very.onica:** depression naps ftw

 **redqueen:** f… ftw

 **how.very.onica:** is this what the dirty capitalists on undercover boss feel like

 **green:** i mean they probably see considerably less shirtless guys than were seeing right now

 **green:** oh we found the jocks

\--  
****

**purple**  
****

_**Today** 7:12pm_

**how.very.onica:** so how are we playing off our “argument” to your parents

 **how.very.onica:** **the chandlers

 **redqueen:** i already told them it was just a dumb teen fight, remember

 **how.very.onica:** ahh right, right

 **redqueen:** they love to hear that i was being dumb

 **how.very.onica:** i’m sorry, you don’t deserve that

 **redqueen:** thanks, veronica

 **how.very.onica:** it’s no problem!

 **how.very.onica:** jd wants to know how he should sneak in

 **redqueen:** tell him to go through the back door while we’re talking to the demons

 **how.very.onica:** sure thing!

 **redqueen:** then hide in the cupboard under the first flight of stairs. the chandlers might hear his footsteps if he goes upstairs, so it's safer to stay there until we come through, he can go up the stairs with us

 **how.very.onica:** very stealthy, i’ll let him know

 **redqueen:** if he has to pull dumb shit with firecrackers again, i’m gonna flay him alive

 **how.very.onica:** part of duke’s plan is for him to use sparklers tomorrow, so

 **redqueen:** where the hell is he gonna get those

 **how.very.onica** : midnight shopping spree?? idk, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it

 **redqueen:** okay, i see you, i’m right at the curb

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _8:34pm_

 **yellow:** So what are you guys getting up to while you wait for the chandlers to go to sleep??

 **redqueen:** pining

 **green:** awwww

 **redqueen:** i’d make a move but jd is thirdwheeling, and ferris bueller’s day off isn’t the most romantic movie anyway

 **yellow:** You should braid each other’s hair or something, lol

 **redqueen:** we already braided jd’s like an hour ago

 **yellow:** His hair isn’t long enough to braid well though????

 **redqueen:** we tried

 **redqueen:** [grumpy-roomie.jpg]

 **green:** lol

 **green:** u should get black clothes ready for later

 **yellow:** Oh, and don’t forget gloves

 **redqueen:** jd’s always dressed for a break-in so i’m not concerned about him

 **redqueen:** … oh son of a cunt, i’m gonna die

 **yellow:** Why

 **redqueen:** veronica will have to wear my clothes

 **green:** rip heather

 **yellow:** You should have her wear that black leather jacket you never wear ;3

 **redqueen:** she’s taller than me so nothing will fit properly alsjsjwjdskjsh

 **yellow:** Even better!!! Veronica in tight leather!!!!

 **redqueen:** are you TRYING to kill me??????

 **green:** ive prayed for ur death many times

 **redqueen:** oh, blow me

_**Today** 10:45pm_

**redqueen:** i’m GAY

 **green:** id ask for photos but it might not be the best idea

 **yellow:**  I’d totally be with you, but come onnnn honey

 **green:** no photographic evidence of ur burglary tyvm

 **redqueen:** b l o w m e

 **redqueen:** [ronnie-in-black-leather-jacket-and-gray-hoodie.jpg]

 **redqueen:** her hair is in a bun and everything, i’m not going to survive the night

 **yellow:** Wait, are you going with them

 **redqueen:** they need a ride

 **yellow:** Idk heather, three people to steal a golf cart and get some sparklers seems like a little much

 **green:** i think its fine just no more pictures

 **redqueen:** besides, if we get caught then i can talk us out of trouble, wave money under some noses, etc

 **yellow:** Be safe, guys!! Good luck

 **redqueen:** i'll need it, veronica is bending over to climb out the window

\--  
****

**Subway Justice™  
**

**_Today_ ** _10:49pm_

 **how.very.onica:** heather looks incredible in black??

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wow, that’s gay

 **martha-dunnstock:** What are you guys doing?!?!?!?!

 **7.11.J.D:** Borrowing Something

 **how.very.onica:** stealing from the rich

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i’m both of those answers simultaneously

 **martha-dunnstock:** Sigh :( It should probably concern me how much illegal activity I’m willing to allow

 **how.very.onica:** it’s ok martha, it’s called cognitive dissonance and it’s perfectly normal

 **hucklebettyfinn:** or we’re just bad influences

 **7.11.J.D:** Rt

 **how.very.onica:** ok rt

 **martha-dunnstock:** So what are you stealing?????

 **7.11.J.D:** Probably Shouldn’t Say or it’s Incriminating

 **how.very.onica:** golf cart!! jd wants to hotwire it, but i think we should just steal the keys

 **7.11.J.D:** Just Let me Hotwire it you Coward

 **how.very.onica:** i /really/ don’t think we should damage it

 **7.11.J.D:** Heather can Pay For It

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i vote to take the keys

 **martha-dunnstock:** Take the keys, it’s much safer!

 **how.very.onica:** you’re outnumbered, we can hotwire it if we can’t find the keys

 **7.11.J.D:** Ok

_**Today** 11:08pm_

**how.very.onica:** fyi we bought the sparklers first, on our way to nab a golf cart now

 **hucklebettyfinn:** lol, a bunch of teens went into a store to get sparklers while dressed all in black?

 **hucklebettyfinn:** isn’t that a little obviously shady

 **how.very.onica:** i took off the leather jacket, heather and jd waited in the car

 **7.11.J.D:** Hi I’m the Jd

 **hucklebettyfinn:** wait a minute

 **hucklebettyfinn:** you don’t own a leather jacket [eyes emoji]

 **how.very.onica:** oh, yeah, it’s heather’s

 **martha-dunnstock** : WHAT

 **martha-dunnstock:** I was about to go to sleep but OMG

 **martha-dunnstock:** THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!!!

 **how.very.onica:** it was more practical than stopping at my house!!!!!!!

 **how.very.onica:** .. but yeah, it smells like her perfume and i’m internally screaming AAAAAAAA

 **7.11.J.D:** You Two are the Perfect Couple Tbh and I’m Honored to Be your Third Wheel

 **hucklebettyfinn:** i can’t wait until you actually start dating her and i don’t have to listen to you pining anymore

 **martha-dunnstock:** Betty, that was rude

 **hucklebettyfinn:** it’s true tho

 **how.very.onica:** lol

_**Today** 11:26pm_

**how.very.onica:** HDJSGDUSBDFDH

 **hucklebettyfinn:** are you guys going to jail? because i’m not the one to come to for bail money

 **how.very.onica:** NO I CAN’t BELEIEV I JUSTD DID THAT

 **7.11.J.D:** Step Aside Reagan

 **7.11.J.D:** Make Way For the Real Great Communicator

 **hucklebettyfinn:** martha went to bed already but omg what did you do

 **how.very.onica:** the owner was awake and caught us picking the lock on his front door to look for keys

 **how.very.onica:** so before he could call the cops i started blabbing about how we need his golf cart for our senior prank, please don't arrest us we’re seventeen and have so much to live for, etc

 **how.very.onica:** then he squinted at me real hard and was like. “are you veronica sawyer”

 **how.very.onica:** so i’m like “yeah” even though i’m scared shitless, then he’s like “oh, you’re a friend of MY SON DENNIS! you should have just asked, of course you can have the golf cart, just get it back to me by tomorrow night”

 **hucklebettyfinn:** WHAT THE FKCU HSJSBDGYEBDFFB WHY IS DENNIS’ S DAD SO CHILL

 **7.11.J.D:** N O I DEA

 **hucklebettyfinn:** HOW DID SUCH A CHILL MAN RAISE DENNIS THE NARC

 **how.very.onica:** IM CRYINGH

 **how.very.onica:** SO THEN HEATHER TOLD KURT AND RAM TO COME OVER AND THEY TOOK THE GOLF CART TO ONE OF THEIRS FOR THE NIGHT AND NO WWE’RE GOING BACK TO THE MANSION

 **hucklebettyfinn:** F U C K thATS SO GOOD

 **7.11.J.D:** God How Is This My life this is Amazing

\--  
****

**heather cubed redux  
**

**_Today_ ** _1:57am_

 **redqueen:** i know you’re both probably asleep but holy fuck

 **green:** im awake im too hype for tomorrow to even try

 **green:** the gf passed out hours ago

 **redqueen:** okay long story short, the owner of the golf cart was dennis’s dad and he let us take it because veronica knows dennis

 **green:** holy shit

 **redqueen:** and like a minute ago veronica kissed me on the cheek and rolled over to sleep

 **green:** HOLY SHIT U GO GIRL

 **redqueen:** i’m,,......... gay!

 **green:** try to sleep we have a big day tomorrow

 **redqueen:** hypocrite

 **green:** im making sure everything will go perfectly

 **redqueen:** i know i give you a lot of shit, but

 **redqueen:** thanks for letting me hijack your prank to be gay

 **green:** what else are friends for

 **green:** now go get some beauty rest lovebird


End file.
